Chapter Four
Ryder
What the fuck just happened?
My cock is rock hard, pressing against the zipper of my jeans, and my heart is slamming against my chest with more force than it ever has.
Did she just come? Did I just listen to that sweet girl masturbate? What the fuck universe am I in and how do I get permanent residency?
I pinch myself a few dozen times, checking that I’m awake before rewinding the sounds she made over and over again. The rise and fall of her voice, soft, then ragged and desperate. The moans, the sighs, the crying out for relief.
Fuck!
I readjust my cock in my jeans and make my way down the hall toward the bedroom door. I’ve gotta beat this out of myself or I’m going to be dead to the world all day. Hell, I might be anyway.
How the hell do I focus now, knowing that the woman I’ve been in love with for years might be thinking about me, too? How do I come to thoughts of her, then walk out of this room and look my son in the eye, knowing what I’ve done?
There’s no good answer to any of this. I’m playing with fire.
Leaning back on the bed, I tug my cock from my jeans and rub, fast and hard, trying to think of anything but Sasha… but it’s useless. Nothing can erase the sounds I just heard coming from my son’s ex-girlfriend.
Her long brown hair. Her sweet honey eyes. Her soft, subtle skin. Her pink lips. Her round breasts. Her thick hips and those thighs. Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to be tangled up with those thick, juicy thighs.
I stroke my cock faster and harder, replaying her sounds over and over in my head as I conjure up images of what her pretty face must look like as she comes.
The phone rings, and I glance toward it, praying it’s Sasha. She hung up on me after she came. I tried calling back, but I didn’t want to bombard her. Plus, I needed to get this out of my system before I did something dumb, but here I am, the phone ringing and I can’t ignore it.
“Hey.” My tone is ragged and though I’m stroking, I wonder if I should stop.
“I’m sorry about that.” Her voice is soft and frayed. “I, ugh, was working out, and I tripped and fell. It, ugh, sounded weird so… I’m not sure what you meant by all the things you said, but if you want to come over and help with the window, I’m here.”
I stroke my cock faster. Her cute little excuses and lies. Fuck! She’s into me too. How and why, I don’t understand, but it’s there. I hear it in her voice.
“Yeah? So can I ask you somethin’ straight forward?”
Don’t fucking do it! My inner voice is loud, but the blood rushing to my cock is louder.
“Sure,” she says, her tone low and soft.
“Are you lying to me?”
“About what?”
“Well, I had this suspicion that you were just touchin’ yourself, and that the things I was saying seemed to get you off. I mean, I’m touchin’ myself right now, just thinkin’ about it.”
She sucks in a few deep breaths. “What? Oh God… what?”
“Should I stop?”
Silence rings over the line, and for a second, I wonder if I’ve gotten this entire thing wrong.
“No. I mean, yeah, you should. You should stop and come over.”
My mouth hangs open and I’m not sure if I can make it from the bed all the way to her house before I explode. I’ve waited so long to touch her, to hold her, to sink into her and make her mine. Maybe that’s not what she’s asking for. “I’m sorry?”
“It’s so stupid, but I’ve… had this crush on you forever, right? Like, I mean for years, since long before I should’ve had a crush on you, and it’s gotten out of control lately.” Her voice is fast and frantic.
“How so?” I sit up and grab my jacket off the chair beside the door. There’s no way in hell I’m not going over there now.
“I went and did the dating thing, and it went to hell. I can’t think about anyone else without comparing them to you. I don’t know. It’s sick. I mean, if Mason ever found out, he’d… it would be bad. I know that. And maybe you think I’m a total weirdo now, but you said stuff to me that made me think maybe you’d be into me too. And my friend, she told me that maybe we should fuck if we were going to see where this could go and I’m all like ‘no, that’s weird’ and then I came home, laid down, took a nap, and now all the sudden I’m jerking off to thoughts of you, I’m dreaming about you, and we’re on the phone and I’m listening to your voice, and it’s so deep. I can’t stop thinking about what you’d feel like inside of me and so, maybe, I should fuck you and see if it takes away the urges, ya know?” She’s rambling and it’s quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. “But that’s probably dumb, and the cold shower didn’t work.”
“You’re not dumb. I… you’re perfect. Trust me, there’s no one like you.” I blow out a heavy breath. “We need to talk in person. I’m on my way. Sit tight.” I disconnect the line quickly, giving myself a second to process everything before I confess my undying love. I want to. I want to tell her every fucking thought I’ve had for the past seven years, but what then? I have to think this through.
I whip open the door with intention… just to see Mason staring back at me.
Fucking hell! How much as he heard?
“Hey.” I feel like the roles are reversed and I’m the teenage kid sneaking out of the house after curfew. My heart is pounding and I’m pretty sure there’s a bead of sweat threatening to drop. “You need somethin’?”
“No. I heard you on the phone earlier, so I was checking to see if everything was okay. You sounded stressed and you’ve been acting weird since I got home.”
Fuck, he does know something! “I’m not weird. What makes you think I’m weird?”
His eyes widen. “Well, that response for one.”
He knows! He knows I’m fantasizing about his ex, the girl he wants to go after again. Damn it! What the fuck is wrong with me? I can’t go do this, even if the secret never leaves her cabin. I’ll know I did it. I’ll always know. I couldn’t live with myself.
“Sorry. I’ve been distracted lately.”
He slaps his hand against my back. “I think you should put some serious thought into the dating thing. I know you say you don’t need anyone, but it’s clear you do. Life is about layers. Everything is too one note right now. Besides, this house could use a feminine touch. Maybe I could ask Sasha to come over to spruce it up a little in the meantime—”
“No!” My shoulders straighten, and my heart rate picks up. Maybe he doesn’t know. That said, I’m not sure I could look more guilty if I tried. “No, sorry. The house looks the way I want it to.” I glance down at my phone. There’s an incoming call from my buddy Clyde. It’s the escape I need to get out of the conversation and maybe make sense of my head for a bit before I go and do something stupid. “I gotta take this, bud. We’ll catch up in the morning. Breakfast? I’ll grab a box of donuts from Josie’s on the way home later.”
He nods and I see his mind reeling, but I can’t slow down to make sense of it at the moment. Right now, I need to answer this call from Clyde and listen to all his bullshit so mine won’t sound as bad.
“Hey, man.” I tug on my boots and slide out into the fresh air in a hurry, desperate to get as far away from Mason and the truth as I can.
“Hey.” Clyde’s tone is more frustrated than usual. I like the guy because I’m accustomed to his jackassery, but to most, he’s annoying as fuck. “You seen this article in the Gazette?”
“No, what about?”
“There’s a vote going on to shut down Mail Order Ranch. Apparently, a few locals were upset about Buck Dalton drawing attention.”
“I think the guy was trying to do it all quietly.”
“He’s registered under a false name and he’s not on the website. The matchmaker is working with him privately, but since the media got ahold of the story, there’s been tons of press lurking around, disturbing the peace. The old folks are turned up about it.”
“Shit. Well, I doubt it’ll go anywhere. They got approval to build, and for the most part, people seem to like the place. That woman that’s runnin’ the whole thing, ya know her well?”
“Yeah, she’s a piece of work. Young, city type, thinks she knows it all. I’ve got a meeting with her tomorrow morning. We’ll see how that goes. We’re brainstorming ways to build a more secure perimeter to protect the privacy of everyone involved. I’m thinking we need a stone wall and some thick pricker bush, but that isn’t gonna stop all the people working for her from running their mouths.”
I laugh, trying to stay focused on what he’s saying, but I’m doing a shit job. “Well, if anyone can convince people of anythin’, it’s you.”
“We’ll see, won’t we? How’s everything with you?”
“A fuckin’ wreck, really. Don’t much want to talk about it, though.”
“This about Mason coming home? He tell you about the cabin he bought?”
“Told me today. That was nice of ya to help him out.”
“Would’ve told you but he wanted to keep things a surprise. He’s grown up a lot. Had a full cash offer. Kid’s been working on something.”
I know he was doing a lot of overtime before he abruptly came back. Now I know why, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still not right for Sasha. No one is right for her. No one but me.
Unfortunately, none of that matters. I’m going over there to fix a window, and that’s all. Fix the window, have a rational conversation about our feelings, lock them all in a box, and come home. That’s it.
I blow out a heavy breath and turn left up the half-paved road that leads to her place. This conversation has been mildly calming, but I’m no closer to knowing what to do than I was when I left the house.
“Well, I better finish this beer and get dinner started. If you figure you need a beer of your own, give me a holler.” He disconnects the line as I pull into the snowy driveway in front of Sasha’s tiny cabin. I’m not sure how long this place has been here, but it’s looking its age with worn pine logs and a crooked deck. She could use an overhaul of the whole place, but I’m not sure hanging around that long is good for anyone. Then again, fixing up things would give me an excuse to see her, which I’m sure I’ll need to get me through the lonely months moving forward.
I grab my toolbox from the passenger seat and crunch through the snow toward the front door. It’s nearly dusk and the lights from inside the cabin shine a soft yellow through the windows and door frame. I focus on that glow as I try to figure what the hell I should say, and how I should say it. Rationally speaking, I know what I need to do. That said, my body is boiling over with something I’ve never felt before. A feeling I’ve never had to express.
Stepping up onto the creaky porch, I reach out for the door and knock twice, blowing out a foggy breath as I wait. It’s been a while since I’ve been over here… for good reason.
Less than a second later, the door swings open, and she stands in front of me, short and cute, with big round eyes and her nipples speared hard against the cotton t-shirt that hangs off her shoulder. She stares up at me, her lips parted, her shiny hair tucked to one side of her shoulder.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Not touching her was a much better idea when she wasn’t staring up at me with hard tits and fuck me eyes.
My palms ache to reach out for her as my mouth salivates, every bit of reasoning quickly leaving my brain.
Her gaze never leaves mine as she steps over the threshold and angles in for a kiss.
Who the hell am I to say no?