Certified Pressure 4

Chapter 1

Heaven Ain’t What I Thought…

When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t make out where the fuck I was…

Everything around me was too quiet, like the world had turned the volume down low. The ground under me felt soft, but I couldn’t tell if it was grass or dirt. It didn’t feel like anything I had ever touched before. The air wasn’t cold or hot. It didn’t even move. It just sat there, heavy and still.

For a second, I thought maybe I was dreamin’, but I ain’t feel asleep.

My body ain’t feel right, like I was inside it but not all the way there.

I looked around, tryna figure out what the hell was goin’ on.

The last thing I could remember was the flash of streetlights bouncin’ off Kashmere’s dress, then the gunshots hittin’ me one after another.

I remembered the burn in my chest, the pain, and everything goin’ dark.

Now I was here. Wherever “here” was.

The sky above me looked strange, almost like the sun and the moon was mixed together, with gold light pourin’ through thin clouds that never stopped movin’.

It was beautiful, but it ain’t feel real.

I pressed my hand against my chest, expectin’ to feel blood or pain, but there was nothin’ there.

I ain’t have no wounds or scars. It was just smooth skin and the weight of confusion sittin’ in my stomach.

Then I saw a lil’ boy. He was sittin’ a few feet away from me in the grass, his small hands twistin’ a bunch of white flowers together like he was makin’ a crown.

He had a head full of soft curls, skin the same brown as mine, and when he turned his head toward me, I kinda gasped.

He looked just like me. Same eyes, same nose, even the same expression I make when I’m deep in thought.

He stared for a second before his lips curled into a smile.

“Hey, Daddy.”

My heart dropped. I froze, my eyes locked on him as everything inside me twisted. My throat felt tight as I tried to speak. “Kamir?”

The lil’ boy nodded and smiled wider, like he been waitin’ for me all this time.

I couldn’t stand up. My knees gave out and I dropped to the ground, starin’ at him like I was lookin’ at a ghost. That name hadn’t left my mouth in a minute.

Every time I tried to say it, it felt like I was pullin’ a knife out of my chest. I used to pray for a sign, just somethin’ to let me know he was okay.

And now, here he was; about four years old now, grown into a big boy with curls all over his head and a smile that looked like it could light up a whole sky. Somehow, he been growin’ up here while I was still down there, tryin’ to figure out how to live without him.

He got up and walked toward me, his curls bouncin’ with each step. He had this peace about him, like the world couldn’t touch him. My eyes started burnin’ before I even realized I was cryin’.

He stopped in front of me and tilted his head. “Don’t cry, Daddy.”

That was all it took. I broke down.

I reached for him, pullin’ him into my arms, my hands shakin’ so bad I could barely hold on.

He was warm, and to me, he was real. I buried my face against his shoulder and held him tight, sobbin’ like I hadn’t cried in years.

“I’m sorry, lil’ man,” I whispered. “I’m so damn sorry I ain’t protect you. I was supposed to be there.”

He wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and patted my head, his voice calm and sweet. “It’s okay, Daddy. You didn’t do nothin’ bad. You don’t gotta be sad no more.”

I held him tighter, not wantin’ to let go. “I think about you every single day,” I said, my voice shakin’. “I never stopped. I thought God was punishin’ me for what happened. I thought losin’ you was payback for somethin’ I did wrong.”

Kamir leaned back just enough to look at me, his small face serious but peaceful. “But I’m okay up here, Daddy.”

My tears kept fallin’. He reached up and wiped one from my cheek with his thumb. His touch was light, but it felt like it healed somethin’ deep inside me.

“I love you, Daddy,” he said softly. “Tell my baby brother I said hi.”

The words hit me right in my chest. I swallowed hard. “You mean Prestyn?”

He nodded proudly. “Uh-huh. I don’t want him to be sad without you.”

The way he said it made my stomach twist. His voice was small, but the message was loud.

All of a sudden, I started hearin’ somethin’ faint in the distance, like echoes comin’ from another world. Voices callin’ out that was muffled but desperate.

“He’s got a pulse!”

The sound faded just as quick as it came. I looked around, confused, then back at Kamir. “You hear that?”

He nodded slowly. “They callin’ you, Daddy.”

“I can’t leave you,” I said, my throat tight. “I just got here. I can’t go through losin’ you again.”

He smiled, a calm smile that broke me even more. “You didn’t lose me, Daddy. I’m right here.” He pointed to my chest. “You keep me right there.”

Before I could speak, the sky around us flickered, the gold light brightenin’ and dimmin’ like a heartbeat. I heard the voices again, louder this time.

“He’s coming back! We got him!”

My hands started slippin’ through Kamir’s little shoulders like smoke. Panic shot through me. I tried to grab him, but my fingers couldn’t hold on. “Kamir! Wait! Don’t go, son!”

He laughed a soft, innocent laugh that sounded like sunshine. “It’s okay, Daddy. Go see my brother. He waiting for you.”

The light burst white all around me, and suddenly my chest burned. Pain ripped through me like fire, and I could hear the rush of people shouting.

“He’s got a pulse!”

But I could still see Kamir’s smile through the light. He was standin’ there, calm and peaceful, like he was protectin’ me. Half of me wanted to stay here with him where it was quiet and warm, but I could hear voices on the other end cryin’ out to me. The shit was wild.

The world kept pullin’ me two ways. Every time I tried to move toward Kamir, I felt the pull of familiarity. My body was tryna fight, but my soul ain’t know which way to go.

Kamir took a small step toward me, his figure glowin’ in the light. “Don’t be scared, Daddy,” he said gently. “You gonna be okay.”

“I don’t wanna leave you,” I said, my chest heavin’.

He smiled again, his curls glowin’ like fire under the golden sky. “You not leavin’ me, Daddy. You just gotta grow up. Then you can come see me later.”

That was all it took. The tears came back hard. I nodded, whisperin’, “I love you, Kamir. Always.”

“I love you more,” he said, grinnin’ that same little-boy grin. Then he turned and ran off into the light until I couldn’t see him anymore.

The next thing I knew, the light faded into hospital white. I could hear the machines beepin’, doctors shoutin’, and someone sayin’ my name. My eyes opened just enough to see blurry faces leanin’ over me. My body was heavy, but I could feel my chest movin’.

Then I heard somebody shout, “FLATLINE!”

Everything went silent again.

The white turned back into gold, and I was on my knees in that same field, lookin’ up at the sky. My arms was empty, but I could still feel Kamir’s warmth against my chest. I looked toward the light and whispered, “I’m tryin’, lil’ man. I’m tryin’.”

And then, somewhere far away, a voice cracked through the silence—it was Pluto’s voice, cryin’ out my name like she was callin’ me home.