Chase: A Devil & his Birdie: Havenwood University Book Two

Chapter 3

I PARK on the street and take a moment to glance over at the hockey house. Is he home now? I can’t tell by scanning over his bedroom window. Jake’s SUV isn’t in the driveway so I assume they’re at practice or something. Besides his official game schedule, I was never sure of his whereabouts last semester except the times I caught him staring or the times I felt eyes on me but couldn’t place him.

That feeling always warmed my body versus sending it into a panic that someone was out there lurking in the shadows. I didn’t realize how much I had missed that feeling until his stare warmed me up like the summer sun on my walk to and from class this morning. And here I am seeking it out a few hours later. It’s our version of hide and seek.

I get out of my car, noting the time and my punctuality as I grab the grocery bags from the back seat. Another errand to check off my list for today. This side of the street is lined with football houses and I walk towards the blue-shingled home Davis will be living in with Drew and five other players.

The football team houses are the biggest on the street and are known for their parties. They’re throwing one tonight and I promised Evie I would go with her. She’s also got a list going. New years resolutions to tackle with “going to a college party,” at the very top.

I ring the doorbell and have barely stepped back when the door swings open and I’m caught in a big brother bear hug. He spins me around and my feet dangle in the air.

“Alright now, put me down, ya big lug!” I swat at him lovingly and he gently places me on my feet and takes the three bags from me.

“I missed ya, Sloaney,” he says as he puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me into his new room which has a worn QB1 plaque hanging from the door.

“Ya alright? You look like you ain’t gettin’ your eight hours in,” he says giving me a once-over. It makes me more aware of the shadows under my eyes that even the best concealers aren’t masking.

“Davis Higgins! Are ya sayin’ I’m not gettin’ my beauty sleep?” I gasp while placing my hands on my hips.

“Nah, you”re as beautiful as ever but ya look tired. Everythin’ alright?” He asks, taking inventory of me. I was expecting this and kept my gloves on intentionally because of this exact moment. We’re thick as thieves so I’m not surprised his alarm bells are going off. He can read me better than anyone.

“Just pre-semester jitters along with the anticipation of your arrival today. I bet tonight I’ll sleep better knowin’ you”re all settled in.” It’s not a lie. I really have been a big ball of nerves anticipating being back on the same side of the world as the handsome and equally infuriating Chase Wilton.

I remove my gloves, stuff them in my jacket pocket, and get to work on making his bed while he goes through the snacks I brought him.

We work through his luggage, putting his clothes away, setting up his desk, and adding essentials to a Target order. Two hours later and he’s in tip-top shape. If I hadn’t come to do this he would have lived out of a suitcase all semester. I smooth out my brother’s comforter before taking a seat, pleased with keeping up my promise to put this all together for him.

“You gonna tell me what that”s all about?” he asks with a popped eyebrow and his eyes and chin gesturing towards my thumb while pulling out his desk chair to sit across from me. I was certain he wouldn’t notice if I took the bandaid off and kept my hands busy. I was sure the bags of snacks I brought him would be enough of a distraction.

But then again, I should’ve known better. He’s the only one who has ever seen this side of me. He’s been able to spot my triggers and is all too aware of what happens when the pressure builds and the emotional pain bubbles beneath my skin. He’s got a sixth sense for when it’s too much for me to bear and I start slicing through it.

“Everything’s fine, really. There’s nothin’ for ya to worry about, I promise.” I assure him and myself, attempting a smile to lighten the mood. He’s not having it and rolls his chair towards me. He leans forward, reaches for my left hand, and turns it over as he examines the pads of my fingers.

“What happened here?” He asks and I go on to tell him all about the latest conversation I had with our Mama. Our phone call had me balled up in bed, while she ridiculed every little thing she could think of.

One of our mother’s superpowers is propping Davis up towards the sun, to only turn around cut me down at the knees, and that’s exactly what she did the other night.

Cutting is how I cope. It’s how I’ve managed my father’s disappointment, my mother’s discontent, and how I try to fix my mistakes. I always cut my fingers first. I need to see it. And if anyone else does, they just assume it’s a paper cut or something. Well, almost anyone.

“We’re not talkin’ about it right now, Davis. It’s your first night here, there’s a party happenin’ tonight, and I’m okay right now, really I am,” I plead, taking my hand back and place it in my lap, staring at my healing fingers. The silence between us is loud. I knew it as soon as I woke up this morning that he would do this.

“Remember what I said to you when I gave ya that?” He asks, and I automatically grab the silver feather pendant hanging from a delicate chain around my neck. He gave me this for our birthday last year. I rub the silver feather between my fingers. I had promised to try harder. AndI’ve let him down.

“That ya thought I was brave and strong all on my own, that I didn’t need the crutch of my cuts,” my voice trembles when I repeat back to him the words he said when I held the necklace for the first time. He once again reaches for my hands and gives them each a gentle reassuring squeeze. He’s always grounded me and been my rock when I felt like I was aimlessly floating away.

“And the feather?” The necklace came with a card explaining the pendant’s symbolism and I immediately took to it. I loved it. It spoke to me and it’s why I haven’t taken it off since. Deep in my heart I want to believe I’m all these things too.

“That it symbolized trust, honor, strength, wisdom, power, and freedom,” I place the feather against my skin in an attempt for the words to seep in, reminding me of all the things I need to do. Of all the things I can be. I need to trust myself to make good choices, ones that don’t include all the cutting.

I need to honor myself and my heart. I need to be strong and keep away from what I desperately want to grab in my makeup bag, in my desk drawer, in the shower, and stashed away in other hidden places when things become too much for me to bear. I need to use the wisdom I’ve gotten from therapy instead of turning to old habits…no matter how good it feels when I cut into my skin.

“You’re strong as a Mack truck Sloaney, I just want ya to believe it as much as I do.” I need to harness my own girl power and dig deep to be good to myself and to believe what my brother says and sees. I had promised him that I would try harder but I’m still hurting myself. I just don’t know how else to handle it all.

“You know you and Mama are like oil and vinegar. Anything I can do to help?” he asks and I agree with him, but the truth is there isn’t anything he can do. As awful as our mother has been to me, she’s still our Mama. I’ll still dutifully pick up when she calls regardless of the ear full I know I’ll get. I can’t change her, I can only change how I react to her. It would be best for me to be mindful of that, too. She’s my biggest trigger.

“Alright, now for the good stuff. Anyone you’re sweet on?” I laugh before I can stop it from escaping, earning a look on my brother’s face that lets me know he thinks I’ve lost my mind. I’ve lost more than just my head. My heart’s been long gone, too.

“Well there is this one guy…” I pause not knowing what to really say since the truth will definitely lead him to believe I’m crazy.

“Who is he? He play ball?” he asks and throws a football up in the air.

“He’s a hockey player here at Havenwood.” The statement lingers and Davis knits his eyebrows together, disapproving already.

“He likes to skate around chasing after a little disk?” He says in a mocking tone and I roll my eyes. Football is king in our house with baseball a close second. Hockey is unheard of. “He any good? What’s his name?” I see the wheels turning in his head as he fishes for information.

“His name is Chase Wilton and last I heard he’s one of the leading scorers,” I offer, reaching across and snatching the spinning football before it lands effortlessly in his hands.

“Yeah, I bet he is,” he mumbles, rolling his eyes and making sure I know he doesn’t approve. “Wilton as in your friend’s…?”

“Brother, he’s one of Evie’s brothers,” I add, filling in the blanks.

“He your boyfriend?” Davis huffs out.

“No, it’s complicated. Nothin’ ya need to worry about.” It is complicated but it doesn’t have to be.

“Feel like there’s a story there, Sis. Why don’t we grab some dinner and ya fill me in?” It takes me less time to bring my twin up to speed about Chase than it does for us to get to the cafeteria. I start with last semester and up to my most recent spotting.

Hearing myself reiterate our non-story, our non-romance, makes me feel momentarily pathetic for being hung up on this guy. Davis must read my thoughts as he shakes his head.

“Sounds like a real piece of work, you don’t deserve to be strung along,” he says, adding water to the seeds of doubt already planted in my head.

“I know, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Something in my heart is tellin’ me to hang on just a little bit longer; that he’ll be worth the wait, ya know?” I tell him and his fork falls into his dish. My brother leans back and folds his arms over his chest, staring me down with an angry look on his face.

“Sounds like this hockey player is blind if he can’t see what’s right in front of him. He playin’ games with you?” His words sting and leave a mark after hitting me square in the chest. Is that what this is to Chase? Just a game?

I immediately start analyzing our interactions, our limited conversations, and the handful of times I’ve found him in my vicinity when he thought I hadn’t seen him duck behind a building, slink through a group of students, or lean against a tree.

Is this all in my head? Have I made this out to be something it’s not? No, that can’t be right. I have to believe he feels this too, that the liquid heat in his eyes and the pounding heart in my chest are real, that it all means something. If not, I”ve really been a fool. Those little seedlings of doubt might as well be in full bloom now.

“The only game he plays is hockey,” I tell my brother, clinging to that reassurance for an extra painful moment, trying to convince myself it’s true.

“He comin’ tonight?” He asks. He’s never liked any of the guys I’ve been interested in and I’m already on high alert anticipatin’ their meeting.

“I’m not sure. You gonna play nice if he does?” I answer with a smile and he rolls his eyes at me.

“No promises, Sloaney. Maybe he needs me to set him straight,” he offers and I wouldn’t put it past him to give Chase a piece of his mind if the opportunity was there for the taking. The thought makes my hackles rise right up.

“No need for you to intervene on my behalf, you know I can handle myself,” I assure him. The last thing I need is these two getting nose to nose and exchanging words about me.

“I know ya can handle anything that comes your way, but as your twin, it’s always gonna be my job to fight your battles by your side.” My brother’s heart’s in the right place and his choice of words give me pause. Is Chase Wilton a battle for me? My thoughts about him are all over the place today.

I can rattle off all the reasons why this boy”s got me strung up. That wave this morning, his fixed stare, and him staying close by only tighten up the knots he’s got me in. But even rope can fray, and he also holds himself back, gives me enough thread to weave together what could be, and has me second-guessing every string I’ve held onto since last semester.

“I lose ya there? Your staring at your tray like it holds all the answers,” I snap my head up and blink away my thoughts. I smile, desperate to change the course of the conversation and turn the tables on him. I need to shift the focus before my head runs off the rails.

“And you? You lookin’ to finally settle down with a nice girl here at Havenwood?” He smiles and his honey-colored eyes dance with mischief.

“Ya never know, maybe I’ll meet the love of my life or ya know, several.” He has a wide grin and I shake my head.

“Alright, cheers to new beginnings and being back together,” I’ve truly missed him and am happy he’s here even if he can be a thorn in my side. We clink our plastic water bottles together and he adds,

“The Higgins twins are together again.”