Chapter 5
THE PARTY IS jam-packed with swaying bodies, loud music blasting, a bar in the kitchen, and a makeshift dance floor. Even though it’s January, the cold temperatures do nothing to deter the girls from showing some serious skin, but none hold my attention for more than the second it takes to scan over the crowds.
I hold my breath while I automatically seek her out. The air trapped in my lungs feels heavy with anticipation over overseeing her. She must not be here and my shoulders slump as I exhale. I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed.
It’s like I pressed the autopilot button before walking into the house tonight. I feel myself just going through the motions as I return fist bumps and high-fives from people as I shoulder through the crowd toward the kitchen. I lift my chin to say a wordless hello to people who are looking at me. I attempt a fake smile, but my face won’t cooperate. Guess I’m done smiling forever.
When I finally make it to the kitchen, I eye the keg sitting in a storage container of ice. I need another beer. I need to numb the constant pain I’ve been feeling and just momentarily turn it off. I’ll settle back into it when I leave here. I’ve already had two beers, I’m good for a few more. Fuck it.
Some freshman with a Havenwood Football Devils polo that has “Equipment Team,” stitched on the chest hands me a red solo cup and it takes me all of thirty seconds to chug it down. This kid beams at me as if I just scored a game-winning goal and he’s impressed beyond belief with the finesse and skill I possess to swallow a cup of beer in a few gulps. He hands me two more before I thank him. The pure joy on his face has me shaking my head. I don’t want him or anyone else looking up to me. If anything I’m a cautionary tale.
I hear shrieking and I turn my head to see A being sucked into a group of girls who make up one of the sororities here at Havenwood. No doubt he’ll be enjoying two or more of their company tonight.
He’s been even more of a dick since everything went down in the fall and to deal with his shit, he’s been hooking up like crazy. More than before. He’s also hyper-focused on me when he needs to check his own emotions regardless if he thinks he has them or not, they’re showing.
I get it, we”re all pretty raw and gutted from what happened with B, but he seeks no support from anyone. I know I’m not in the best headspace right now but if my brother needed me, I’d be first in line. Even B has tried to make headway with him, and he just doesn’t fucking allow it.
I’ve been wondering if his constant rant and rage against the feelings he obviously has for Edison are starting to ramp up. Does he know she was recently released from a nursing facility? B told me earlier in the week that Edison was back here and that she was going to see her. Maybe she told A too and he’s being more of an ass than usual because he knows he’s gonna have to face her soon. She seems to be the only one who holds his feet to the fire and he can’t decide if he loves or hates that.
He re-emerges from the harem of women and I meet his eyes and lift my eyebrows to him. He scowls as he lifts his chin. Defiant fucker. I shake my head and turn to the freshman and chin-point towards a fresh cup. He eagerly fills one and hands it to me and gives one to Jake who’s standing next to me. I finish mine and am immediately given another. This kid’s easily earning the twenty in my wallet if he keeps this up.
“You’re going to be fucking feeling it tomorrow,” Jake points out, and I roll my eyes. No matter what I do, I feel everything all day anyway. Maybe this will help me block shit for a while.
“As long as I don’t feel anything tonight then I don’t give a shit,” I offer back. I just want to turn it off for a while. I know that damn chest ache is my penance for my role in the pain that B has had to suffer, and it serves as a reminder to be a better man. Make better choices. Not right now though. Now my choice is to be numb to it all. To turn my brain and heart off. The angel and devil both need to take the night off and leave me the fuck alone.
A sorority girl breaks away from A and approaches us. She’s got a golden plastic bottle of some cheap tequila and slightly tips it forward, offering a shot. I hold out my empty cup and she pours some in. I don’t care if it tastes like lighter fluid, what matters is how fast it’ll get to my fucked up head.
I wince after swallowing a mouthful of the liquid garbage and I grab Jake’s beer to chase it down. Sorority girl beams up at me and wraps her tan hand around my bicep. I instantly tense and she must think I’m flexing for her when I’m really trying to shake off her neon fingers from my body. I don’t like her touching me one fucking bit. She stands up on her tiptoes and leans toward my ear,
“You look stressed, I can make it all go away if you want.” Her big brown eyes are full of dirty promises. I have zero desire to find out what any of them are. I take a step away and her arm falls away before she can cling tighter to me. I shake my head so she gets the message that I’m not interested. She’s pretty, but not Sloane pretty. No one’s as pretty as Sloane.
She pouts and I shrug my shoulders, pointing to Monroe who will most likely take her up on whatever she’s offering. She smiles and presses the bottle into my chest before turning her slim body towards him. She looks back at me and says while looking me up and down, “Your loss, hockey player, I could’ve rocked your world.” Unlikely, sweetheart.
I’ve had my fair share of hookups since landing here, and jersey chasers like tequila girl don’t hold a damn candle to Sloane Higgins. No one ever does or ever will. She’s right about one thing though, I am losing. Every damn day I feel like I lose a little more of myself.
I try to push those thoughts out of my head while unscrewing the plastic cap on my newly acquired tequila and take a swig. This shit is disgusting but I have zero fucks to give. I’m getting fucked up tonight. I turn to grab another beer when I hear her name.
“Have you g-g-guys seen S-S-Sloane? She’s not answering her p-p-phone and I thought she’d b-b-be here already,” I hear my sister ask Drew. She sounds nervous but I’m proud of her for being here. It’s a big fucking deal for her. They do some secret handshake thing and she smiles. He’s always had a sweet spot for her and they’ve become good friends. She deserves good people in her corner.
She looks around the room for Sloane while leaning into Max. He’s right behind and rubs his hands up and down her arms trying to soothe her nerves. My best friend has her back no matter what. Whether it’s supporting her while she makes social strides or taking her hands in his while she deep breaths to get through a tough moment. He’s there. He gets to have it all; hockey, his girl, all of it. I get nothing. I deserve nothing.
“Haven’t seen her, She was getting Davis settled in earlier, but I haven’t seen them since,” Drew explains. I knew her twin brother was starting up at Havenwood this semester. She had mentioned that he was walking onto the football team as the new quarterback. At least she’s hanging out with him and not some asshole.
The thought of her with some dickhead has me taking another swig from my tequila bottle, as I swallow down the shitty thoughts swirling in my head. I don’t get to have it all like Max does. I don’t get the girl and if I keep playing like shit, who knows how much longer I’ll have hockey.
“She’s not here yet,” I mumble over the foam of a freshly poured beer that was handed to me. Drew doesn’t say anything, it’s like he’s waiting for me to explain myself. I roll my eyes, “I already checked…plus I would have heard her,” I add before I can stop myself. Fucking tequila.
“You always have your eyes on her,” Max says and takes a sip from his beer. It’s an accurate observation and innocent comment but it rubs me the wrong way leaving me feeling irritated and defensive.
“What’s that mean, man? Something you want to say?” I bite back. Does he know I watch her? That I follow her around like a lost fucking dog?
“Calm yourself, I wasn’t saying anything that isn’t true. It’s not like you’ve been fucking subtle about it. You literally just said you’d hear her if she was here,” he says, shaking his head and taking another sip.
Fuck. He’s not wrong and I was about to rip his head off. Over what? Him stating the obvious? I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for my anger to calm the fuck down. I need to get my shit together.
“You’re right, sorry man, I’ve been off lately.” I’ve been ready to lash out and feel like any patience I have, is running really fucking thin.
“I don’t know who’s worse, you or Hunt, but you both have had shitty attitudes lately and I’m getting sick of it,” he grits out and I can see his own irritation increase the longer he stares at me. “As for Red, you have a sixth sense for her, that’s all I meant but you’re so damn sensitive, I can’t say anything to you without you looking for a fight,” he says and shakes his head again.
“Let him be, babe, he’s okay.” My sister’s voice snaps us out of our bickering and Max instantly diffuses when she hugs him.
“I don’t want to fight with you, we cool?” I ask him and hold out my hand. I really don’t want any beef with him.
“Yeah, man, we’re cool. You’re not yourself and you won’t talk to any of us about it. I’m ready when you are, brother. We all are.” My eyebrows hit my hairline, his words surprising me. I didn’t think any of them noticed to be honest. “And newsflash, asshole, drinking that whole bottle isn’t gonna help you.” I frown at him.
“What’s up man, you never drink that shit,” Drew points to the tequila bottle. He’s been watching Max and I with hawk eyes while we exchanged words. It wouldn’t go beyond that, I’m pissed at myself, not him.
“A few beers is one thing, but a whole bottle of that crap is going to have you playing even worse tomorrow than you did today,” Max adds.
“I just feel like it tonight,” I take a large gulp of my drink and stick the tequila bottle in my armpit to free up my hand. I’m done with this conversation. If I want to drink, I’ll fucking drink. I’m twenty-one years old and in college at a damn party. A party that I didn’t even want to be at and now that I’m here they have a problem with me trying to relax. Max is the one who handed me a beer before we even got here. Assholes.
I take my phone out and check socials. Sloane usually posts to her story and I want to see if she has anything new posted. I need to see her gorgeous face since these dickheads are annoying the shit out of me. Damn, there’s nothing.
“And tomorrow? You gonna be able to stand up on your skates?” Jake asks and I glare at him. I hear what he’s not saying, that I’m the reason we even are having practice tomorrow.
I take another shot of tequila just to piss him off. That shot burns more than the four others and I nearly choke on it as it slides down my throat. He just crosses his arms and shakes his head when I fucking cough my head off.
It’s no secret that Jake’s being groomed to be our team captain next year, but until then, he doesn’t get to give me more shit than everyone else. Today sucked but every player, no matter the sport, has shit days, why are they ganging up on me right now? It was practice, not the goddamn Final Four championship game.
“You know what, I don’t need to take any of your shit,” I say and hold their stares. Fuck this. I didn’t want to leave my room tonight. I only came because my sister asked me to, and even though she’s still a little nervous, she has Max, and Drew and Sloane will be here soon enough. She doesn’t need me.
I turn around to leave when I run right into a brick wall of muscle. A big ass someone who”s got his back to me.
“What the fuck? Watch where the hell you”re going,” I spit out as he turns around. I’m aware that it was my fuck up, but I’m now five shots in, buzzed and pissed at my boys. And I didn’t get to see her.
“Now I know you ain’t talkin’ to me like that.” He has a southern drawl, a red faded haircut sticking out under a Havenwood Football Devils black hat, and a bigger build than mine. He looks and sounds like her. It must be her brother.
He stares me down and I have no doubt this scowl has scared off football teams across the country. I don’t give a shit. I scowl right back. This guy, who I’m assuming is Davis Higgins, steps right up to me.
“Jesus fuck, Chase, talk about a shitty first impression,” Drew mutters from my right and gently pushes me to the side and out of the line of Davis’ fiery glare.
“Let’s try this again, guys. Davis Higgins, meet Chase Wilton. Chase, this is our new QB1 and Sloane’s brother,” Drew offers introductions and neither of us extends hands to shake.
“Chase, huh? You the hockey player?” He grits out as if he’s heard of me. He’s been here for all of five minutes which means his pretty sister must have mentioned me to him. The thought makes me smile, a real shit-eating grin that makes Mr. Hot Shot QB1 nostril’s flare. My dimples pop and I swear there’s steam coming from his ears.
“Why you asking?” I spit back still smiling. She was talking about me.What did you tell your brother, gorgeous girl? Did you tell him how I’m basically obsessed with you? That I think you’re the only star in my otherwise pitch-black sky? That you’re the only color I see in my gray-looking world?
“I’m not askin’, I’m tellin’ you to stay the fuck away from my sister. Stop your goddamn games, go play with someone else,” he snarls out. He’s all puffed up and making his presence known. He can fuck right off with that.
He grabs the brim of his hat, tips his head towards B, and says “Evie,” as if he’s some gentleman all of a sudden. He gives Drew a stiff chin lift and then bumps into my shoulder and walks away. What a dick. I didn’t screw the top back on my bottle and take a longer shot this time.
“Now that”s no way to get on your future brother-in-law”s good side, man,” Max says and smacks me on the back and I nearly spit out my shot from how hard his hand hits.
“Are you okay?” B asks and places her hand on my arm. “He’s usually nicer than that.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I tell her and her phone screen illuminates in her hand. She holds it up and I see Sloane’s name on the screen with a message notification. Just seeing her name makes going toe-to-toe with her chump brother worth it.
“Sloane’s here, I’m going to go say hi if you’re sure you’re okay,” she says. “Want to come with me?” she adds with a steady voice with no signs of any nerves. My immediate answer is yes but I shake it off. I can’t have what I want. What I want doesn’t matter.
“I’m gonna head out, I’ve had enough of all this for one night.” I don’t bother saying goodbye to anyone else. I’m still pissed. They can suck it. If I stick around, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep myself in line.
It takes me a minute to get out of the crowded kitchen and I swallow down another mouthful of tequila before walking into the congested living room. I weave through dancing bodies and find my brother where he always is.
He’s sitting on a couch with girls on either side of him and has one perched on each knee. He still looks mad as hell and is still staring at his damn phone. I don’t know who he’s texting but he looks murderous even as one of the girls is draped over him and kissing up and down his neck.
“I’m going home,” I tell him and swallow another gulp of tequila. I step away to get the hell out of here and two girls reach out and try to pull me down. I’m tipsy, wobbly, and nearly fall forward onto a couch full of sorority sisters.
“What the fuck man, you drunk?” A asks and taps two girls on their knees. The look of pure joy on their faces is hard to miss. They must think they’re the ones he’s taking upstairs. That’s all he usually has to do to have them running after him. “Not tonight, move over,” he tells them, and just as fast as he makes them smile, he disappoints them.
“I’m fine, I’m leaving,” I tell him and he tugs me onto the couch. Another girl squeals and three of them move for me to sit next to A. If I’m going to sit then I might as well drink the rest of this crap. I nearly gag on the next shot.
“Why are you so fucked up? You never drink like this during the season, it’s like your golden rule. What the hell is going on?” He says and swipes the bottle from my hand just as I was about to take another shot. My golden rule. He’s right. It is.
I don’t like how slow and sluggish alcohol makes me on the ice so I only have a beer when we party. My golden rule has changed though. Now it’s “stay the fuck away from Sloane and give Evie space to heal and thrive without fucking it up.”
He starts to shake his knees and the two sorority girls fall right off. He doesn”t even bother looking at them. No, my brother keeps staring at me, willing our triplet-speak to give him all the answers inside my fucked up head.
“Bro, this shit can melt metal pipes, why are you drinking this?” He asks after sniffing the mouth of the bottle.
“What’s that saying? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor? It’s my goal for the night,” I tell him with a fake-as-fuck smile. His stone-like face doesn’t crack in the slightest. I guess he doesn’t think my joke is funny.
Instead, he shoves his water bottle into my hand, “Drink fucking water, you’re gonna be hungover as shit tomorrow, Coach is gonna string your balls up by your skate laces.”
My head starts to slightly spin as I lean back on the couch and finish off A’s water. I really want to get the hell out of here. Lay in my bed and fucking wallow. Drown in my own self-pity. Tonight sucks donkey dick. I’m drunk, and aggravated, and I want to see her even though I shouldn’t want to see her. My brain and my heart are battling again and I feel literal pain in both parts of my body.
The pain can’t compete with the guilt that”s built up inside of me. It weighs me down and feels like cement is coating my goddamn skin.
The angel might as well be shoveling more of my past mistakes down my throat and it burns more than the alcohol I’ve been drinking when I try to swallow it all down. The guilt I have for what I did to B and for wanting a girl I shouldn’t but can’t stay the hell away from, churns in my stomach. The deep throb in my head begins to pulse and an ache in my chest pangs over my heart making it hard to breathe comfortably. It hurts so fucking bad.
I place one hand over my forehead and the other over my sternum in an effort to make all the hurt go away; there are physical, emotional, and mental pains that live inside me all the fucking time.
The feelings I didn’t want to feel tonight are pulsing under the surface of my skin. I think they’re trying to break out of my body. I feel my brother’s hand grip my knee and squeeze.
I take a deep breath and try to get my bearings. I try to stop the room from spinning, my head from pounding, and my heart from bleeding. I scan the room for her perfect face. I try to listen for her soulful voice. I need a hit. Just a little taste. I know you’re here, where are you, gorgeous?
I don’t have to wait long before my ears pick up one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. She’s laughing. I wish I could be the one to make her laugh like that. To make her smile. To make her come. I hear her before I see her and when I do, fuck, am I not prepared for the second time today.
“What the hell, man?” I rub my head where my brother’s mammoth hand smacks me on the back of my head. I swear he knocked my brain into my skull. He transitions from being a good big brother to an annoying asshole in seconds. It’s like his superpower or something.
“You”re literally staring into the room with your tongue hanging out of your head. You look fucked up. I’ll ask you the same question; what the hell, man?”
Doesn’t he see her? I don’t see anything else. She’s ten feet away swaying to the music. She’s a goddamn goddess. An oasis in the desert. I swear there’s no one else in this crowded room. Just her.
Long red hair that curls at the tips, pretty locks laying over dark green lace covering her feminine shoulders that lead my eyes down her exposed spine. There is a deep V opening down her back with only the tops of her shoulders, bottom half of her long torso, and her arms covered in a see-through lace. The stark contrast of her snow-white skin, red hair, and delicate material has my eyes glued to her.
She must feel my stare and when she turns her body around, I feel fucking dizzy. Lust courses through me at an alarming rate. I see teasing swells of perfect tits showing their impressive cleavage exposed by another fucking V slit down her front.
Her signature silver necklace with the feather pendant hangs from her kissable neck. The dark green lace is molded to her body, and I want to rip it off her and cover her up at the same time. Her lips are painted a deep red. I want to kiss them, claim them. Smear her lipstick. Fuck it all up with my kiss. Her eyes are sultry with a seductive smoke on her lids. Fuck. Me.
She stares right back at me like she’s challenging me. I don’t move a muscle under her gaze. She crosses her arms under her chest, pushing her tits up even higher.
My eyebrows hit the brim of my hat as she shifts her weight from one hip to the other. My mind jumps to images of licking, fucking, and coming all over them. Now is not the time to pop a boner while sitting next to my stupid brother.
She’s standing with a group of girls and breaks her attention from me to turn towards her friend who urges her to start dancing again. She has on those ass-hugging mom jeans that all the girls now wear. I can’t turn away when she starts swaying those sexy as fuck hips and shaking that round ass of hers.
I am in a trance. I have no idea what else is happening in the room or on the planet. She’s stunning. She’s the most beautiful girl in the world. Aliens could be landing on the damn roof and it wouldn’t fucking matter.
My eyes narrow when some asshole approaches her from behind. He’s got a look on his face that I don’t fucking like. He looks smug as shit, like he’s already figured out all the ways to get her into his bed tonight. I feel my blood boil as jealousy bubbles up in my gut. My teeth are in danger of shattering as I clench my jaw tight when he gets too close to her.
My hands ball into fists when he grabs her hips and starts to dance with her. I stand when he runs his grimy ass hands up her hourglass-indented waist, I see fucking red when his hands move over her flat stomach and he pulls her back into him. I hate how his fingers are splayed over her body in a possessive way. I don’t fucking like that one bit.
She’s not mine but she’s sure as fuck not his. My devil rolls his neck to get loose for what’s about to go down and even the angel rolls up her sleeves and flexes her hands. My pulse is drumming loudly in my ears and giving the Havenwood marching band a run for its money with how loud it is.
There’s no stopping me with what happens next. All my teammates would have to hold me back and even then I’d do everything I could to fight my way through to get this fucker away from her.
My whole body reacts when I see her try to put space between them and this asshole tightens his hold on her body. He’s trapping her against him and I let out a strangled noise, warning him and every motherfucker in here to stay the fuck away from Sloane Higgins.
I’m on him in three seconds. He’s bigger than me but I don’t give a shit. I’d fight a fucking gorilla for her. I pull him away and he finally lets go of her delicate frame. I punch this dickhead square in his jaw and send him into a group of guys. Not so smug now, are you asshole? Don’t fucking touch her.
I lightly grip her arm and put her behind me. I don’t want this motherfucker to ever look at her again. I’m not fucking done when he gets himself straight with his boys behind him. I get right up in his face. I don’t give a shit if he’s got an army with him, all I want to do is make his brain explode for thinking he could take her home.
What I wouldn’t do to be on the ice with this punk. I’d smash his skull against the boards and then use the blade of my skate to cut his eyes out for looking at her. I knew what he was after the second he came up to dance with her. He was looking at her like she was a goddamn trophy. Like he just won a fucking prize.
“You fucking touch her or go near her again and I’ll fucking end you,” I spit out while pointing in his direction. He looks like some douchey frat guy. He smirks and his eyes shoot over my shoulder before he winks.
He. Fucking. Winks. At. Her. He’s a dead man.
“This your girl? She’s got a great pair of tits.” Him and his friends laugh and I lunge. I slam into him with the same intensity I’d use if we were down to the last seconds of a tied game and he was about to take a shot on goal.
I ram my shoulder into his stomach and send him into his friends who struggle to keep him from falling onto the floor. They hold him up by his beefy arms while he gets his bearings and catches his breath. I don’t care if it’s a cheap fucking shot, I’m taking it, and don’t hesitate to punch him right in that fucking winking eye.
I need to make sure she’s okay, that this asshole didn’t do anything else that I couldn’t see like rub his pencil dick all over her ass.
When I turn around, I see my boys and Davis standing behind me. Davis has her behind him and lifts his chin to me. I could give a shit if he’s trying to play nice right now, I need to see her and he’s in my way.
“Sloane,” I say her name to draw her out from behind him. I’m so fucking pissed and full of goddamn jealousy that this asshole was dancing with her that I surprise myself when my voice comes out gentle. Firm, but gentle all the same. She steps to the side and away from her brother. I scan her over, looking for any marks he may have left on her.
“You okay? He do anything else?” My whole body vibrates and it’s not from the adrenaline of getting a couple of hits in. It’s from being this close to her. She always sends surges of energy through my body. She’s electric. I’m also swaying on my feet from the alcohol burning through my veins.
Before she can answer me, this dickhead pulls me back by my arm, turns me around into his space and we’re face-to-face. The cheap tequila and cheaper beer feed the rage I feel gurgling in my gut. His hands were on her. He fucking touched her.
I come across as a sweet, nice, humble guy. And I am. Well I was. I don’t pick fights, I don”t get drunk off my ass during the season, and I don’t cause trouble. Usually. Everyone assumes that I’m level-headed, smart, and cool as a fucking cucumber. They assume wrong as I take another swing that connects with this asshole’s face. I turn to face her, my eyes lock on hers and the seconds that I’m distracted is all it takes.
“Chase!” I hear her voice crack on my name under her sharp intake of breath that she inhales.
His fist lands hard and pain bursts through the side of my face. I feel myself going down but can’t stop the fall. I’d fight the world for you, Sloane. The last thing I see is the floor I was desperately trying to find before when I was downing tequila.