Chapter 7
I’M WALKING behind my brother and I’ve got a choice to make as I follow Davis deeper into the house. The party swallows us up when we hit the living room and I can either make a run for the door or I can stay and try to salvage what I can of this Saturday.
If I head home, I know I won’t be able to stop myself from cutting. I’ll reach for my razor before I even kick off my shoes if I go home right now. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. My emotions have been riding a rollercoaster all night and the noise in my head is louder than the bass vibrating through the house. My brother did a bang-up job of poking holes in my feelings tonight. He shed light on some hard-hitting facts that I’ve been making every effort to ignore.
I don’t make a habit of admitting this freely, but Davis has the uncanny ability to be right a lot of the time. He’s now in my head and the self-doubt seeds continue to be in full bloom. When I’m this bent outta shape, I end up making mistakes. I end up cutting too deep and press the blade into swatches of skin that scar and are noticeable and harder to explain. I’ll go for thin skin that bleeds too much. I could do some damage and I really don’t want to hurt hurt myself.
It’s probably best for me to stay here and find Evie. She makes me happy and I need a dose of sunshine right about now. I bet if I dance and sing I’ll feel better and can salvage some of the night. It’ll keep me from replaying every god-awful moment of the day on repeat. At least for a while.
I roll my shoulders back, silently telling myself to get it together and split off from my brother. I’m gonna make it my mission to shake off the rocky start to my second college party at Havenwood. It’s been an awful hour and I want to have a better night. I need to turn this around. I need to dance out the tension, get lost in a song, and sing my heart out. My best friend and brother are here, there’s a new semester starting, and the showcase is next weekend. These are good things. Best for me to remember that.
I pull out my buzzing phone and Evie’s name flashes across my screen letting me know that she’s headed this way in a few minutes with Max. I continue to roll my hips to the beat of a pop song, throwing my hands over my head and singing as loud as I can.
One of the showcase girls hands me a hard seltzer and it goes down easy, too easy, and I’m given another as soon as I shake the can indicating its empty contents. If I drink, I never have more than two, but tonight may call for three or four under the circumstances.
Evie taps me on the shoulder and I wrap her up in a hug before stepping back to take a good look at her. She looks great, less anxious than I thought she would be. She squeezes my hands and I’m instantly reminded of my nail digging. It’s less intrusive than cutting but still not something I want her to know about.
Especially not tonight, she did it, she checked off going to a college party off her New Year”s resolution list and I’m so proud of her for it. She’s brave and tries hard every day to heal and to be strong. I can’t even manage to go a few hours without breaking my promise to not be so self-destructive.
I keep a happy smile on my face and hug Max as well. Another hockey girlfriend snags Evie’s attention and whisks them over to where some of his teammates are standing. She gives me a wide-eyed and sympathetic look over her shoulder and I wave her off, encouraging her to go. She can do this. She doesn’t need me to hold her hand, mine aren’t as strong as she thinks they are anyway.
The girls and I start moving towards the edges of the room and away from the heart of dancing bodies when I feel eyes on me. It’s a familiar warmth that’s running through me and I know if I turn around, I’ll find the heat source. It’s always him. The minute our eyes collide I feel the butterflies in my belly take flight like they always do when we first connect. I can’t help it. The physical reaction I have towards him is instant and it’s the exact opposite of the swirling thoughts in my head. I need to get myself one of those nets to capture those butterflies to keep them…and my heart… under control.
He’s not helping the situation and is causing my whole body to tingle when I get a good look at him. He’s got a black Havenwood Devils sweatshirt with his name and number on the back. Red hockey sticks adorn his left sleeve which fit nicely over his toned body. He’s got his hat on backwards and his brown hair sticks out underneath. He’s been wearing it longer than usual and I love it like that.
He’s got on black joggers that hug that bubble butt of his and sneakers that are at least a size twelve. He’s absolutely delicious tonight and I can’t help but run my tongue over my lips wondering what his kiss would taste like. Not that he’s given me any reason to think he wants to kiss me, but still, I bet it would be ground-shakin’.
The longer I look at him, the more flush I feel. It’s hotter than the noon sun and the hard seltzer can feels cool against my skin when I run it across my heated neck. I fan myself while talking to the girls and notice they aren’t nearly as sweaty as I am. It must be him.
I catch him staring like I’m all he sees. It”s just him and I and the electrical current running along the wire that’s pulled tight between us. I feel him in every cell of my body as I stand straight as an arrow and perfectly still. His effect on me is immediate and infuriating.
It’s all-consuming regardless of the tiny bits he throws me. It’s like he’s in control of these moments and I’m unable to break free. He’d just follow me if I ever managed to do just that…and I’d want him to.
The riot of fluttering wings in my belly usually makes me giddy with anticipation, but now I’m wondering if they really are just making me feel woozy. This push, pull, push, pull between us used to lead to anticipation of ending in us giving into it.
Maybe I need to just see it for what it really is, which is just plain ole’ exhausting. As devouring as he looks, he frustrates me to no end. I cross my arms over my chest in annoyance at the games we play, and I do take on some of the burden in this situation as I push my boobs up.
The showcase girls pull me in to dance and I start to sway my hips still feeling warm from his burning stare. Having his eyes on me makes me scorching hot. I’ve never felt like this with another set of eyes on me before. It’s our chemistry. It’s combustible and unfortunately, a big focus has been on the bust.
He could easily walk over and dance with me but he won’t. And as much as I say that I’m done with the games, I’m not done with him. I say I am and then he looks at me like he does, he looks as handsome as he does, and I’m back in his game, our game, push, pull, push, pull. What’s the definition of insanity again? If you looked it up, you’d see a pic of me. That’s what he does to me.
If he would show me the man I know he can be and made his move I’d meet him halfway. But he won’t. And that’s what makes me feel so foolish. I feel conflicted and that everything is jammed up. My brain tells me to stop messing with his immaturity, my heart tells me to stop allowing us to be strung along, my body tells me it likes the burn marks he leaves, and my soul tells me that Chase Wilton will be worth the wait. All of my rational logic might as well be thrown out the window when it comes to him.
He’s sitting on a couch that’s pushed up against a wall and looks hauntingly handsome with sad eyes that are clearly glazed over with the drinking he’s done tonight. I watch as he tips a golden bottle to his pouty lips when Hunter whisks it away and shoves water into his hands.
This man has always worn his heart on his sleeve, his emotions strewn across his face, with his expressive eyes giving everything away. Now is no different as I look back at him although his usual carefree demeanor from last semester is gone and in its place is something else entirely. He looks defeated and depleted. It’s a look I recognize, feelings I know well.
His gaze stays strong as he relocks his eyes on me. It’s like he’s demanding my attention. I cross my arms across my chest and I swear goosebumps break out over the skin exposed by the deep V-neck shirt I’m wearing. I watch those rich brown eyes drop to my breasts and don’t miss the way he reacts.
When his tongue swipes across his full bottom lip it makes me squirm. The way he licks his lips is downright sinful. I bet he’d be the best kiss of my life. There I go again thinkin’ about kissing this man. I can’t look away from him. The current between us is crackling under the pressure of our locked and loaded stare.
There are collective squeals of delight when a new song plays and blasts through the sound system of the house. The girls encourage me to dance, to move, to do anything but continue to stand and stare in the middle of the makeshift dance floor.
I roll my body wanting to keep his attention and our connection. If it’s all I ever get from him I want it whenever I can get it even if it makes me look pathetic. I’d absolutely die if he came over to dance with me. God, what I would do to have him that close. To feel him pressed up against me. To have him hold me. I don’t think I’d ever let him go.
A guy makes his way over, I watch his eyes as they skim me up and down from head to toe. I don’t feel anything from having his eyes on me and turn away to focus on Chase. I feel the heat of the stranger’s body when he starts dancing behind me. I focus on the showcase girls in front of me and continue to dance. It’s tame enough until his hands are on my waist and then travel over my belly. I go stiff at his touch.
He pulls me back into his body and I feel frozen. He’s not touching me for long though, because Chase has yanked him away and added a punch. He’s stubborn and refuses to dance with me but won’t let anyone else. Has he lost his damn mind?
I instinctively take a step back as Chase lands another swinging fist right in his face. I tighten my arms and ball my hands again, feeling not only tears well in my eyes but the bite of my nails pressing into my skin for the fifth time tonight.
I’m filled with rage and anxiety, a combination that always ends in cut skin. This whole night is nothing but a disaster and I doubt it’s gonna get any better now that there’s a full-blown fight happening.
The impact of Chase’s powerful hit sends him stumbling into a group of gathered guys who are watching this with the same interest as the Super Bowl.
Chase’s fingers lightly grip my upper arm and he guides me behind him. He’s protecting and defending me. Evie shoulders through and stands next to me. Max and my brother stand in front of us and push us away from the fight. Jake, Monroe, and Hunter are on either side of Chase.
“What the fuck is going on?” Drew yells and the answer falls flat on my tongue. I can’t even get the words out. Because the explanation doesn’t match the man fighting on my behalf. He’s kept his distance, he’s stayed away, but here he is throwing punches because another guy dared to dance with me. The emotional whiplash tonight is enough to make me nauseous.
“You fucking touch her or go near her again and I’ll fucking end you,” Chase says in a menacing voice with his finger pointed in his opponent”s face. He’s threatening, intimidating, and guarding me with promises to hurt this guy if he so much as looks at me again.
It’s confusing and the mixed messages he’s sending me only ramps up the frustration I was feeling earlier. But part of me is also seriously swooning and his declaration is enough to make my knees weak and my heart gallop faster than race horses running the Kentucky Derby.
This guy has a smug look on his face and Chase’s sinister threats fall on his deaf ears as he tips his head to the side to wink at me. To taunt me. To let me know that he isn’t deterred. That he’s just getting started.
“This your girl? She’s got a great pair of tits,” he says loud enough that his friends laugh. I inhale a breath and it stays lodged in my throat when Chase jumps forward with a loud battle cry and throws himself into him.
Davis moves me back and extends his arms out to keep me securely behind him. Max moves Evie farther away when I see her move towards her lunging brother.
Their bodies colliding is loud even with the music still droning on throughout the room. Chase cocks his arm back and again sends his fist into this guy”s face… right into that offensive winking eye. I’m assuming it’s his friends who are hanging on the sidelines and they struggle to hold him up after he staggers back into them. Chase turns around and walks back towards us.
He’s breathing hard and his hands are still clenched into fists. He’s vibrating with anger and tension and I can smell the tequila and sweat that’s dripping down his face as he stares down at me from behind Davis’s shoulder. He looks like a fire-breathing demon that just went to battle and when he says my name with a firm yet gentle caress, I can’t help but oblige him and step away from Davis’ shadow.
His whole body softens when I step to the side into his space and I exhale for the first time since he threw that first punch. His rage-filled eyes are now brewing with concern as they scan me up and down. His breathing becomes ragged the longer we stare at one another, blocking out the rest of this horrible night.
I’m surprised to hear the tenderness in his voice when he asks me if I’m okay considering how angry he looks. He also looks like he’s had more to drink than I thought he did as he starts to rock back and forth.
I’m ready to give him a piece of my mind, even if he’s in this state, he needs to know he can’t toy with me like this. He doesn’t get to decide that he’s gonna fight over me but not claim me as his. Either he wants me or he doesn’t.
Before I can tell him as much, he’s being pulled back into the commotion and I can’t help but yell for him.
“Chase!” I shout and Davis shoves me back behind him, keeping me away from them crashing their fists into each other’s faces. Chase looks right at me, hearing me through the commotion and chaos. I hate this, every second of it. His chocolate brown eyes connect with mine before he’s hit again. He falls unconsciously to the floor, and I swear my heart lands with a thud next to him.
I hear Drew yelling, kicking those guys out of the house while watching Jake, Monroe, and Hunter try to get Chase up off the floor while Max keeps people back.
I’m gripping my feather necklace with one hand and Evie’s hand with the other. I’m shaking like a leaf. My nerves are as high as the sky and I hold my breath when the boys manage to drag a limp-looking Chase into Drew’s room.
I can’t look away from the door. I can’t help myself and start walking towards them. Davis pulls me back to him and my hand falls from Evie’s. She follows Max into Drew’s room and looks back at me before the boys shut the door.
“Sloaney, we just had a whole conversation about this. About you deservin’ more than what he’s givin’ you. You go in there and now you are the one playin’ games, it won’t be just him. You need to decide what you really want here.” I nod in understanding at Davis, but he knows. Not even his solid brotherly advice is gonna stop me from going in that room.
I steady myself in front of the door and give a knock. I’m not sure what my plan is but I know I want to be there with him. And also for Evie.
No one answers and I’m debating knocking again when the door opens. I’ve got a bird’s eye view of Monroe checking Chase out on the bed. He’s laying flat on his back while Monroe checks his pulse.
I’ve heard he was a volunteer firefighter back home which makes loads of sense. He always seems to know what to do when situations get outta hand. He may be a total party boy but he’s also smart as a whip. And right now, I need him to tell me this silly and stupid man is okay.
“He’s just knocked out. If you guys have some smelling salts, that should wake his ass right up,” he tells Drew who automatically lifts his phone to make a call.
“Someone will bring them right over, anything else you need?” Drew asks while still on the phone. I sneak a peek at Chase who already has bruises blooming on both sides of his handsome face. Nana was right, boys are dumb.
“He’s gonna need something for the fucking headache he’ll wake up. Get some ice packs and water.” Monroe rattles off some other items while Drew gets it all sorted.
Hunter removes his brother’s sneakers and tries to make him more comfortable. He’s being sweet in his own way even if he’s cursing up a storm while doing it.
“He’s a fucking idiot, I knew he was doing this shit again,” Hunter mumbles to himself while looking at Chase’s white socks. The cotton covering his toes have faded red stains that look like blood. He lifts one foot and inspects his heel, and sure enough, there”s more stains. He lets his foot drop to the bed and picks up the other one.
“He’s running again, I knew he was back to doing it every day but I didn’t know he was doing it to this extent,” he says to Evie who leans over to take a closer look. They both look worried. I’m not sure what’s going on but the concerned look on their faces is enough to have me reaching for her when she steps away from her brothers.
“You okay?” I quietly ask while looping my arm with hers.
“I f-f-feel bad, until t-t-t-oday, I d-d-didn’t realize how m-m-much he’s been h-h-hurting. I think h-h-he’s in a really d-d-dark place,” she says, looking frustrated with herself while wringing her hands together. I want to ask more, I want to know why he’s hurting and what she means. I’ve noticed a change in him, but it’s never been my place to ask. I’m not sure it really is now, either.
She takes a deep breath and her voice is steadier this time when she adds, “I also h-hate when they f-fight like that,” she quietly adds while referencing her brothers.
Her voice may be a hair louder than a whisper, but it’s loud enough for Max to hear from his stance behind her. It’s safe to assume that parts of tonight are bringing her right back to her own trauma and that horrific night last fall. It’s not the same but similar enough to hit close to home for her. I slip my hand into hers and give her a squeeze.
Max is all over it, sensing her nerves, he pulls her back into his chest and I hear him soothe her, “You’re safe and so is Red, I won’t let anything happen to you, or her. I love you, I’m right here, pretty girl.”
He’s always dialed into her needs and doesn’t hesitate to kiss the top of her head. “We’ll figure out what to do with Chase, this isn’t your fault, I don’t think any of us knew the extent of what was going on with him until we saw his room today.”
“I think he’s depressed,” she says with a sigh, and my heart breaks for him. I know how that feels. I know how the lasting effects of depression can linger, how it makes everything seem so hard and bleak, how everything is out of reach and feels so unattainable.
“What about you? Are you okay?” Evie asks me and holds up our joined hands while wincing. “You”re squeezing the life outta me,” she adds and I release her hand.
“Sorry, honey bunny. I’m not sure what I am right now, and if I’m being honest with ya, I’m far from okay.” Standing here, I’m not sure what I was expecting to happen. Chase is on the bed while we all stand around him. Monroe said he was okay, that he’s more drunk than anything else, and he looks like he’s just sleeping it off.
“He didn’t hesitate to punch that guy for dancing with you. I think he was trying to show you what you mean to him,” she says but I’m not sure I buy it. I may mean something to him but it’s not enough.
“If that’s his idea of some grand gesture, he went about it all wrong, he can’t go from doing nothin’ to fightin’ over me. He missed a bunch of steps in between.” I eye her and she nods her head in agreement. Max snorts and holds out his fist for me to bump. He knows I’m right.
“He just doesn’t know how to get out of his own way right now, but he really does care for you,” she’s trying to assure me that he likes me but I’m starting to think I really need to stick to one side of the street here, either I’m in or I’m out.
There’s a knock on the door and a lanky guy wearing a Havenwood Football polo shirt hands Hunter a baggy with white capsules inside.
“Got the smelling salts, that should do it,” I hear him say before Hunter grabs a bag of supplies and slams the door in the guy”s face. He rummages through the bag before pulling out some white capsules, before shoving one under his brother’s nose.
“Fucking, finally. Time to wake up, asshole,” he says, and sure enough, Chase lets out a groan and throws his forearm over his face. I take a step back, out of his line of sight and Evie steps forward with Max still behind her.
“Welcome back, brother, you okay?” Max asks and squeezes his shoulder. Chase grunts in response and lets out another groan when Hunter slaps an icepack on his bruised cheek. I hate that he’s hurt, relieved that he’s okay, and angry that he’s here yet so far away.
“Your boy drank too much and is angry at the world lately, he needs to sleep it off,” Drew says and I just shake my head.
“Sugar, he isn’t my anythin’,” I drawl out thicker than usual from the spiked seltzers.
Jake’s eyes are full of sympathy as he looks over at me. He and I spent some time together when he joined the showcase lineup and he knows all too well how I feel about his friend.
“You’re not allowed to do that again,” Evie says and playfully places his hockey hat over his face. He grabs it with his other hand and pushes it down to his chest and I can’t stop staring at the slivers of flat, toned abs that creep out from underneath his bunched-up sweatshirt.
“Chase Wilton, you didn’t have to do all of that back there. I appreciate it, but it was nothing that I couldn’t have handled,” I tell him with an angry bite. My words sound ungrateful as they filter through the room. It’s not that I’m not appreciative of him defending me, but I also would have handled it myself.
He opens those chocolate-brown eyes and attempts to sit up. The ice pack falls from his face onto the bed. Hunter pushes him back down and he tries to shake him off. After the second attempt, Hunter lets him up. Without me even as much as breathing he finds my eyes amongst the group surrounding his bedside.
“I know you could’ve handled it, you can handle anything, gorgeous girl. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be able to take it all on for you, anyway,” his words are still slurred but are clear as day. He lays back and shuts his eyes before adding, “Plus, anyone who touches you automatically gets punched in the goddamn face.” He’s already asleep as his head hits Drew’s pillow. Oh, my sweet soul.
I’m stunned silent and a quiet beat lingers in the room. His statement rang loud in my ears.
“You sure he isn’t your anything, Red?” Drew eyes me curiously. If I really am something to Chase Wilton, then I wish he’d figure out what that is already.