Chase: A Devil & his Birdie: Havenwood University Book Two

Chapter 11

I SLEPT until my alarm went off for my 4AM run. The euphoric feeling I went to sleep with has lifted and I’m back to my damn bleak reality. I stretch out my sore arms and stiff legs and shake them out to get some blood flowing after laying down for hours.

I’m still wearing the same sweatshirt I was when I met with Coach, but the musty stench isn’t enough for me to change my clothes. I stuff my phone into my hoodie pocket and grab my keys before leaving my room. I’ve stopped bringing ear buds, it doesn’t matter if I’m listening to anything anyway. The fucked up thoughts in my head drown out any music. They’re also louder than a live Metallica concert.

I don’t want to disturb anyone and try to be as quiet as I can while navigating my way down the stairs. The last thing I need is someone waking up and questioning me about my meeting.

I ignored everyone yesterday. They sent texts, called, and even Jake slipped a note under my door. What would I tell them? That Coach thinks I need to see a shrink to get my head on straight? At this level, I’m supposed to be able to check my personal life at the locker room door, and give it all on the ice. I have no idea how a therapist is gonna help me do that.

I make it to the front door undetected and jam my dirty socks into my worn out sneakers and lace them up nice and tight. I flip the lock before gently closing the door behind me and nearly scream my fucking head off when Jake, Monroe, Max, and A are standing on our front steps and walkway.

“What the actual fuck?” I screech out.

“Figured we’d join you this morning,” Jake says while rolling out his neck.

“It’s not a group run,” I tell him and push through their big bodies to get to the sidewalk. I bet I can outrun them.

“It is today, sunshine,” Monroe singsongs. He looks ridiculous with a neon reflective headband holding his long hair off his face and a blinking light around his neck.

“Like hell it is,” I take off and they scramble to catch up as I dart down Jock Row. I don’t want to fucking run with them and I definitely don’t feel like talking.

I just want to run for a while, go to morning skate, and then report to my volunteer hours. We have a game today but I doubt I’m playing after my meeting yesterday. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do therapy. Just thinking about it makes my head fucking hurt. I just want to fast forward through this fucking day so I can go see her later. Standing outside of her building with a direct view of her room has become the only few hours of the day I give a shit about.

“I love tag!” Monroe yells while blinking, reflecting, and laughing like a fucking idiot. Jesus, who thought it was a good idea to let this lunatic out of the house?

“Slow the fuck down,” I hear my brother shout from behind me.

“I don’t want company,” I shout over my shoulder picking up speed.

“Too fucking bad,” Max yells back. “I can’t believe you dragged me out of bed for this. I thought you said we were gonna walk and talk, not run a goddamn marathon before the sun is even up.” I hear him say with a huff.

“He’s being stubborn per usual, he’ll slow down eventually,” Jake tells him.

“Awwww, you missing your cuddle time?” Monroe teases in between making dumb kissing noises.

“You have no fucking idea,” Max grumbles out. I can already tell this conversation is gonna end up with Monroe getting smacked in the head and me getting pissed off.

“Dude, the walls are thin, we all know why you love cuddle time so much.” I don’t have to turn around to hear Jake smack Monroe in the head and for Max to growl at him. “At least while your ass is out here, poor Evie can get some rest for once,” he says while laughing his ass off. I try not to puke in my mouth.

“Go away, you’re all pissing me off,” I yell and try to get that image outta my head. The last thing I want to hear about is my sister’s sex life. I’m glad she’s happy and in love and all that, but no. Just no.

“Not until we talk, we’re out here at 4 AM because we’re worried about you,” Jake shouts back. Great, a fucking intervention. It makes my blood boil to think of them all sitting around, talking shit, and planning this. I abruptly stop before turning around and watch them all nearly topple over one another. Good. Fuckers.

“Can we go back home and talk? We’ve got some time before morning skate and this seems to be the only time of the day that you’re not locked away in your room and we’re not on the ice. It’s also fucking cold out here,” Max asks and it hits me right in the heart. Damn.

“We’re all concerned, man. We wouldn’t be out here if we weren’t. Come on, let’s go home and talk this out.” Monroe seems genuinely concerned for someone who usually avoids serious conversations. “I’ll make a pot of coffee and a cup of that hot chocolate you like.”

“Fuck, sorry I’m late, I slept through my alarm and then had to track Max’s location to catch up to you guys.” Drew’s voice booms over the guys heads and he shoulders through. He’s taking in gulps of air while folded over with his hands on his knees. “You okay, man?” He asks when he catches his breath. His words are wrapped up with so much sincerity it nearly has me walking back to the house.

“Come on, C, let’s go figure shit out,” it’s my big brother’s cracking voice that has me caving. He takes a tentative step toward me and holds out his hand and I eye it with apprehension churning in my gut.

It’s hard for me to admit what’s been going on and talk about the guilt that’s eating me alive. It’s not fucking easy to wake up every day and face who I’ve become. I hate myself and I’m nervous they are gonna hate me too. I swear I hear him whisper, please in my head. Damn triplet-speak.

I smack his palm and he pulls me into a hug. “I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore,” he whispers in my ear before releasing me.

These guys are my closest friends on the planet. I love them all and don’t want to let them down even though I really don’t want to talk about the shit I’ve been dealing with. I feel so damn small with them all watching me while they wait for me to make a move.

“What’s it gonna be? You ready to face whatever this is with us by your side or you gonna keep trying to go at it alone? I don’t think that’s working out too well for you though,” Drew says.

“I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need it; I go for a run every morning to clear my head,” I tell him and the rest of them frown. I mean A is always frowning so that’s nothing new.

“What? I’m fucking fine. Why are you guys looking at me like that?” I ask and stomp down the sidewalk to lead us back home. I don’t want to fucking see anymore of their pity stares.

“Thank fuck, I’m freezing my balls out here, how the fuck does he do this everyday?” Max says from behind me. Because I feel nothing but guilt and shame over my sister who happens to be your girlfriend. Oh, and a longing that will end up killing me over her best friend who happens to be off limits.

I could take off but they’ll just end up right behind me. I roll my eyes knowing that they will just ambush me at home if I don’t hear them out now. Once they get an idea in their heads it’s game over. Persistent, caring, jerks.

I don’t have the energy to fight them on this anyway. They’ll give up when they see that there’s no point to any of this. No point in trying to get me back to who I was. He might as well be dead. This is me now.

We make it up our walkway and I stick the key in the lock. A is jammed up close behind me and I look over my shoulder at him. He hasn’t been this close to me since we were in utero. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m not taking any fucking chances of you escaping. If you try to run up to your hell hole I’m gonna yank you back so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Also, you smell like a shitty asshole.” I swear my brother is so fucking dramatic.

“Thanks for noticing,” I say and open the door.

“That’s exactly what’s happening C, I’m noticing. We all are. Now sit your smelly ass down on the couch. See what happens if you try to get up.” He shoves me towards the sofa and I take a seat.

“I’m gonna go wake up Evie, she’ll want to be here for this,” Max says but A holds out his arm and stops him.

“Let her sleep. I don’t want her to hear some of this shit,” A says and Max pushes his arm away while a deep frown etches across his face. My brother might not know how to deal with his own shit when it comes to our sister but I can tell he still wants to protect her from anything remotely unpleasant. Including me at the moment.

“We’re not keeping shit from her so you can fuck right off with that,” Max says while taking the stairs two at a time and leaving an annoyed A behind to stew.

“I’ll get the coffee and your hot chocolate,” Monroe offers while walking by. A looks like he’s gonna smash his fist into the wall as his hands extend and flex into tight fists. He throws himself into the recliner chair, lets out a frustrated sigh, and starts picking at his pinky nail which has faded black sharpie colored over it. He’s dramatic as fuck.

“I don’t want to hide shit from her but I don’t want to see her upset either. And this conversation is not gonna make her happy that’s for fucking sure,” he says while gnashing his teeth together. He’s gonna give himself lockjaw one of these days with all the grinding he does.

“It may not make me happy but seeing him like this sucks too, so,” B’s voice startles both of us as she comes down the stairs with Max. He drapes a blanket over her shoulders and she wraps herself up before plopping down next to me. She loops her arm with mine and lays her head on my shoulder. I stiffen under her affection seeing her brown haired head leaning against my nasty ass sweatshirt that I’ve been wearing for literal days.

“What’s wrong?” she asks and lifts her face to mine. She’s chewing her lip and looks like she’s bracing herself for impact while she waits to hear my answer.

“It’s not you B, it’s literally me. I haven’t changed this shirt in days and you”re leaning against it. I don’t want you to catch my cooties is all.” I try to lighten the mood but her face hardens up into a scowl mirroring A’s.

“Your old sweatshirt, your quote end quote cooties and whatever else is going on with you, won’t scare me away. I’m not going anywhere, Chase,” she says with a serious voice, air quotes and emphasizes my full name.

My sister means business which means I have no choice but to sit here and listen to whatever it is they all want to say. Thank fuck Monroe approaches with my travel cup and what I assume is hot chocolate. I wrap my hands around the stainless steel to give them something to do. I’m antsy and my knee starts to bounce up and down.

She places her hand over it and gives me a reassuring squeeze as Max sits down with two mugs of hot coffee. B’s is basically white with the amount of hazelnut creamer she likes with her side of coffee.

“We have about an hour before we have to go so let’s get this shit out in the open.” If we weren’t already awake, A’s commanding voice would’ve done it.

He raises his chin to Max who laces his fingers with my sister”s other hand that’s folded in her lap. She moves her dark purple chipped nail polished thumb back and forth over his skin and he lets out a breath before starting.

“I’m worried about you, brother, you’re not yourself and you haven’t been for a while now.” Fuck that punches me right in the feels. That’s the second time since I’ve been up that Max has gut punched me. Dammit. I don’t want him spending another minute thinking about me, all his attention needs to be on my sister. Not me, her.

“You don’t have to be worried, it’s all good. I’m fine, man,” I try to sound convincing to reassure him but my voice sounds as lifeless as I feel.

“You’re not fucking fine. You’ve been on this self-destructive path for a while now and lately, it’s been kicked up a notch. Your room’s a disaster, you stay the hell away from us, your attitude is shit, and the running is out of control. I hear you leave every morning at 4 AM and sometimes it’s even earlier than that,” Monroe throws in between gulps of his black coffee. How he drinks that sludge is beyond me.

“Then Saturday you drank your ass off and don’t even get me started on hockey. The only good thing about classes starting is that it’s gonna force you to get out of that disgusting room of yours and maybe back into a solid routine,” Jake adds while my sister, Monroe, and Max all nod their heads in agreement. Drew and my brother are quiet… too quiet. “Drink your hot chocolate, you haven’t touched it yet,” he adds with a pointed look that has me taking a sip and burning my tongue. Fuck that’s hot.

“You also forget to wash your ass,” my brother mumbles from the recliner. I spoke too soon.

“I showered Saturday and Sunday,” I tell him throwing my hands up in defense.

“You also missed your first class of the semester,” my sister sprinkles on top of this shit sundae.

“This gonna be a problem? Are you gonna start missing classes and end up needing a tutor like Hunt?” Monroe says and takes his life into his own hands when referencing A. The stoney glare he gives Monroe has the opposite effect though. Monroe just smiles back and blows him a kiss to piss him off.

“Stop looking for shit, everything’s fine. Seriously guys.” This is fucking exhausting and I want to go back to my bed before I’m forced out on the ice. It’s game day and we’ll have a light skate to get us loose for tonight but I really don’t feel like doing much else. I was already planning on skipping today’s classes and laying low until the last possible second. Even if Coach doesn’t play me tonight, I still need to show up.

“What part of me forcing you into the fucking shower translates to everything being fine to you?” A spits out. “Our sister’s nose was about to fall off her fucking face because of your rank ass,” A adds because he’s an asshole like that. Breathe outta your mouth if you don’t like how I smell then, dickhead.

“I think what Hunt is trying to ask…” Drew pauses and gives my brother a steely glare, which has A rolling his eyes and letting out a huff. “... is why you think all the things we’re concerned about are okay?” His words are dripping with empathy and I have to remind myself that he means well. He always does, they all do, but having this discussion won’t change anything. Why can’t they see that?

“What do you want me to say here? You want me to admit that I’m depressed, fine, I’m fucking depressed. There I said it. You guys happy now?” I pull my hood over my head and crouch down into the sofa. I stare at my outstretched feet and just like in Coach’s office, they fucking hurt like hell. All of this hurts like hell. Just let me be. Let the pain be. It’s my burden to carry.

“Concerned? Yes. Happy? No. You’re right, you are depressed and we want to try to help. Coach wants to help,” Jake says and I feel like I’m stuck underwater when he mentions Coach. His version of help is therapy but I’m not sure that will do any good. I’m broken into tiny shards and even if there was a chance I could be put back together, I’m not a good person. I’m not worth the effort.

It’s only a matter of time before I fuck up again. If someone else gets hurt because of my dumbass, I’ll never survive it. Sloane floats into my head and if anything happened to this gorgeous girl because of me, I’d never leave my room again. I’d stay locked behind that door for fucking ever. It would devastate my sister. The thought of me doing anything to cause Sloane any type of harm is so disturbing.

I fly off the couch like my ass is on fire. My sudden movement is unexpected and startles my sister who jumps into Max’s lap with a yelp. Thank fuck Monroe put my hot chocolate in a cup with a lid. Smart thinking, He knew I wouldn’t even be able to handle a goddamn mug.

“What good is any of that gonna do? You know what Coach said to me? That if I wanna keep playing and keep my scholarship then I have to go to therapy. He’s making me do it. How the fuck is that gonna make any of this better?” I shout my words and see my sister wince in Max’s arm which makes me feel like an epic asshole and earns me a death glare from my best friend. I take a deep breath before continuing. My brother looks like he wants to jump in but I level him with a look and he stays quiet for once in his life.

“I’m glad it’s working for you B, but I don’t think it’ll help me. This is just how it’s gonna be from now on,” I tell them with a softer voice while looking at my sister.

“Coach isn’t making you do anything, man. He’s giving you an opportunity to get some help and to feel better. Look, I did therapy after my mom passed. I was depressed too and it fucking sucks. I know it does. I also know you need some help after all the shit that happened last semester,” Jake empathetically offers and I watch his eyes briefly dart to B. This is what A was concerned about but she doesn’t look shocked by his words. If anything, her shaking her head in agreement lets us all know she’s come to the same conclusion.

I don’t like all of them looking at me. I don’t like being under that goddamn spotlight and microscope again, especially after yesterday in Coach’s office. I sit back down and wish this damn sofa would swallow me up. I could disappear and spare them all from thinking about me again.

“Why aren’t you up his ass about this too?” I snap out.

“We’re talking about you right now. You’re fucking shit up for yourself with hockey, your body, and with Red.” A says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You should do therapy,” he adds and it’s like he smacked me across the face. He knew I tried a few years ago and that it wasn’t for me. Now he’s acting like all I need to do is pour my heart out to some professional and everything will miraculously be better.

“Yeah, you’re one to fucking talk,” I grind out and know I’m striking a match. A has a short fuse on a good day, but when he’s like this, it won’t take long for him to blow.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He raises from his seat and I do the fucking same. You wanna get into it, fine we’ll get into it.

“It means you’re fucking shit up for yourself too. You’ve let your relationship with B go, you disappear for nights at a time, you’re fucking anything in front of you, and you think a tattoo needle is therapeutic. When was the last time you spoke to Mom or Dad? Did you know Edison was released from that nursing facility? I bet you don’t because you have your head so far up your ass you don’t notice what the hell is going on around you. Don’t talk to me about fucking up my life when your life choices are fucking garbage, Hunter.” I’m so fucking pissed at him, I’m so goddamn upset that they all think I need help, all I want to do is run out of here.

He’s vibrating with anger and I could give a shit how he feels after coming at me with this bullshit. He’s just as fucking guilty as I am.

“Guys, take a fucking breath,” Drew says from the other side of the couch. We don’t spare him a glance. He may sound calm, cool and collected, but he’ll pull us apart if it comes down to it. It’s the exact opposite of the white hot flames flaring between my brother and me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Max maneuver B so she’s no longer on his lap and in the line of our fire, but safely wedged between him and the couch. Blocked from us. Her brothers who continue to put her in the middle of our shit.

“I see everything! I see you’re in so much goddamn pain and insist on hurting yourself every fucking day and pretend it’s working out. It’s not, your feet are bloody, you”re exhausted, and you”re punishing yourself. I see you barricade yourself in your filthy as fuck room because you think that’s what you deserve.

I see you letting your NHL dream slip away everytime you fuck up on the ice. I see you overcompensating for your relationship with Evie because you think if you kiss her ass things will be better between the two of you and that she won’t fucking leave. I see you calling Mom and Dad all the time because you’re convinced if you don’t they will fucking forget about you and abandon you like that birth vessel did.

You have a fucking hot girl in front of you and you’re so fucking scared of loving her that you push her away. Newsflash, asshole, you being with her isn’t going to fuck shit up for Evie. Or you. Or Red. It’s going to be the best fucking thing that ever happened to you.” He’s breathing heavily and looks like he’s about to punch something or put someone through a wall.

“Get your shit straight, Chase. I miss my fucking brother.” His final words ram into my chest harder than his finger does with each word he spits out.

I feel like him and the boys ripped me wide open and my guts are spilling out on the coffee table. I want, no I need, to get the hell out of here before I completely bleed out.

No one moves and all you can hear is the heavy inhale and exhale of A breathing as he recovers from unleashing all his pent up frustration with me. The sound of five alarms go off at the same time, indicating that it’s 5:30 A.M. and time to wrap this shit up and head to morning skate.

Without another word, he tears his eyes away from me, shifts his stare to our sister and slightly lifts his chin to her.

“I know she’s back,” he says softly to B.

“I may have heard a thing or two about that,” she says with a smile and the tips of his ears turn pink. That’s one of his tells. If I wasn’t so pissed, I’d be on his ass about whatever that’s about. But fuck him.

“You guys have five minutes and then we’re leaving,” Jake says from the door while slipping on his coat. He holds up his keys, “don’t make me beep the horn.”

“You know Daddy will leave your asses,” Monroe adds from behind him. He turns around with a smirking smile before winking at my sister who can’t hold back her laughter.

“You’re a dumbass, now get in the car,” Jake says while smacking Monroe in the back of the head.

“Jake definitely has Daddy vibes,” B says while giving Max a hug goodbye.

“I’ll show you Daddy vibes, pretty girl. Go back to bed, I’ll come wake you up before breakfast,” he says and I wish I had eyeball bleach to unsee the kiss and ass grab he gives her. No brother should have to see most of the shit they do.

“Dude, she’s still my fucking sister,” A yells while hopping on one foot trying to get his sneaker on.

“And your sister’s hot,” Max says between kissing B like he’s headed to the other side of the planet instead of the other side of campus.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” A grits between clenched teeth when Max releases B.

“That’d make your sister mad,” Max kisses the tip of her nose and I swear these two are so in love it makes the romance books she reads seem real. Like happily ever afters do exist. Like you can get the girl and have it all. Everyone but me.

“Get your coat on before he starts beeping the horn and waking up the whole damn street,” Drew jumps in and pulls my sister in for a hug before heading to the door. A, Max and I are gathering our shit when the horn blares. “Now you’re fucked,” Drew adds while laughing his head off. This fucking morning.