Chase: A Devil & his Birdie: Havenwood University Book Two

Chapter 21

I’M white-knuckling the armrests of my red velvet auditorium seat while the next act tries to follow the most beautiful girl in the world. She sang to me.

She got up on stage in front of a packed crowd and while everyone was looking at her, she was looking at me. Holy shit, she sang to me.

“Chase, what’s wrong?” my sister whispers, frowning. It’s like the devil pressed repeat on some imaginary playlist as the pretty birdie’s song replays over and over in my head. And with every lyric, more air is sucked outta the room. ?? I just wanted you to know, this is me trying.??

My throat feels tight. I can’t fucking breathe. Everything feels like it’s way too close but also far away. The room is starting to spin. Fuck, I don’t feel good.

My sister’s eyes bug outta her head and she tries to shake my shoulder and shouts in my face, “Chase, breathe!” This must get A’s attention because the next thing I know, he’s hauling me outta my seat by my bicep and dragging me outta the packed room with B leading the way up the carpeted inclined aisle.

“You need fucking air and a goddamn reality check. Get your ass outside.” He tightly grips my arm and walks me to a bench that B sits on. He throws me down next to her and takes the seat next to me. It’s a tight fit, but I need it. I need them.

“What the fuck! This is the second time you’ve almost crashed. You can’t keep doing this. You need to get your shit together and it’s starting now,” A sternly shouts in my face. He’s right. He’s so fucking right.

“What just happened in there?” B softly asks and loops her arm with mine. It’s grounding and comforting and so Evie.

“I know today was a big fucking day with therapy and shit. You obviously need it if you’re having goddamn panic attacks and holding your breath again,” he says while shaking his head. “I fucking hate when you do that shit.” Believe me, I fucking hate it too.

“What happened? You were fine… you were better than fine… at one point, you looked mesmerized by her even. How do you go from that to this?” My sister asks and motions toward me with her outstretched hands. My knee starts bouncing, and my anxiety starts to claw back up.

“I was,” I tell them and snap up to stand. I immediately start pacing

“Then what the fuck happened because last I checked, Red got up on that fucking stage and sang you a goddamn love song,” he twists his mouth when he says the word love as if it’s a goddamn curse. And it very well might be.

“What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? Did you hear her? Did you see her?” Were you not paying attention? Um, how about my dream girl got up and let me know how she feels, sealed it with a fucking kiss, and nothing can happen except me letting her down. “I never wanted to hurt her, and I’m going to end up doing exactly fucking that, and I gave myself a goddamn panic attack.”

“Why?!” B asks and crosses her arms over her chest and tilts her head to the side while looking me over. Like she’s checking to see if I’ve lost my goddamn mind. Fact check… I have.

“Because the thought of hurting her in any goddamn way has me struggling to fucking breathe.” They both watch me shift my weight as I bounce on the balls of my feet. I want to feel that gnawing pain in my feet. I need it. I dig my sneakers into the path and add as much pressure as I can. They both narrow their eyes on me and the urge to run is so fucking strong.

“So don’t hurt her, there”s an easy fix,” B says and I automatically click my teeth and scoff at the ridiculousness of what she’s suggesting. She rolls her eyes, and it’s as if she waved a fucking red flag in front of me. Doesn’t she get it?

“Nothing about this has been fucking easy, Evie. Not one thing. And staying away from Sloane has been the fucking hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my goddamn life. You know this.”

The second she jumps up and gets in my space, I know I’m fucked. A knows it too, and the bastard leans back onto the now empty bench and stretches his arms out, getting himself nice and fucking comfortable.

“I know that you’re a fucking idiot.” My sister only swears when she’s pissed, and for her to drop an F-bomb means she’s about to go nuclear.

“I’m trying to do the right –,” before I can finish my thought she explodes. Thank fuck no one else is out right now because we’ve got the potential to draw more of a crowd than the goddamn packed auditorium we’re sitting in front of.

“If you’re trying to say you’re trying to do the right thing, so help me God, I’ll kick your ass. Clearly that’s where your fucking head is if you think anything about this is right. No one told you not to go after her. No one told you to stay away. Martyring yourself isn’t going to take away the shit that happened to me.”

“I thought–,” I barely get the words out before she’s on me again.

“You know what I THOUGHT?! I thought you’d finally do something about how YOU feel because the only person standing in your way is YOU! Not me! Not my trauma! Not your misplaced guilt! Just you, you fucking dumbass.” Ok we’re up to three f-bombs and name calling.

Her hands are flying all over the place and Max must’ve sensed her being upset because he’s busting out the double doors and charging toward us now. .

“Whatever you thought, it was fucking wrong. Like everything else you’ve been thinking and hiding behind.” She crosses her arms over her chest and Max silently stands behind her glaring at me.

“And what happens when I fuck everything up? Because that’s all I fucking seem to do when it comes to you and I just want you to be happy after everything I’ve put you through.” I suck in a breath of air after spitting all that out in one shot.

A clicks his tongue at me. Max shakes his head behind my sister. And my sister lays down the fucking law.

“How can you say you want me to be happy, but not want the same for yourself? Stop using what I’ve lived through as an excuse for you to stop living. I’m fucking over it.” She sees right through me, even when she’s rolling her eyes at me. Like she is now.

She takes a deep breath and settles herself for a moment, her exasperation with me lifting as she pleads, “Fight for yourself, I know just how hard it can be, but you have to try. I’m begging you.”

“That’s just it though, you shouldn’t have to be in a position to survive or fight. I’ve done shit that put you in harm”s way… and not once, twice. Twice, Evie. Both times are on me. You shouldn’t want to fight my demons when I brought them on myself after fucking up so badly that you’ll forever have your own.”

“Stop using my trauma as a reason to treat yourself like shit. Stop feeling guilty about something you never had the power to stop from happening. They put their hands on me. Not you. You’re not the bad guy you keep telling yourself you are.” The sincerity in her words hit me like a goddamn tidal wave and I can’t hold back my tears any longer.

Any barricade I’ve put up since last fall is no match for the tsunami of feelings that crash into me as tears stream down my face. I can’t stand up on my own and reach for my sister. Her hug is like an anchor and I hold on for dear life.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, Evie,” I sob into the top of her brown-haired head.

“I forgive you, Chase, do you hear me? I forgive you. I’ve forgiven you a long time ago,” her face is buried in my chest and her words hit me right in my heart. My sister may be pint-sized but she just knocked me the fuck out.

I’ve heard her say these words before, we’ve had different versions of this conversation in the past, but this right here is sending splintering cracks through the walls I’ve put up. Her smaller arms squeeze me in a tight embrace and pulverize the guilt I’ve been carrying since her first attack.

I’m barely able to stand up straight as her words of forgiveness smash the weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders to smithereens. It shakes me to my damn core.

My sister locks herself up tight and does her best to keep me upright but it’s Max who reaches over to steady me. He steers me back to the bench and I take a seat next to A who throws his outstretched arm around me for support.

B’s words sink in and set free the shackles I’ve been carrying around. My goddamn eyes are wet and I bury my face in my palms. My head is spinning. Can I really forgive myself for everything I’ve put her through? Can I take my sister’s forgiveness and start fresh? Can I really let myself be with Sloane? Can I get my game back into check?

B takes a seat on the other side of me on the bench and places her head on my shoulder. I lean mine against hers. I can feel A reach behind me as far as he can to place his hand on B. The three of us are quiet, there aren’t any words left to say right now. Max gives us some room and I can feel parts of our triplethood fuse back into place.

I wipe my face while people pour out of the auditorium. The show must be over. I can’t believe she sang me a goddamn song. ??This is me trying.??I need to try too. I want to fucking try.

“Don’t let a piece of your past dictate your whole future. Go be happy, Chase. You too, Hunter, you also deserve to be happy.” My sister’s final words might as well be the key to the cage I have my heart in because I feel it beat through my goddamn chest.

I get my ass up as the devil chants for me to find our pretty songbird. I don’t need to look back at my siblings. They know I’m on a goddamn mission now.

I push through the throngs of students, going against foot traffic. I don’t give a shit that I’m annoying the crap out of people while I shoulder my way back in the building, I need to get to her and I need to get to her right the fuck now.

I find a way backstage and ask a few of the production staff who smile at me where I can find her. I nearly run down the hallway toward the direction they point in. When I round a corner, I know two things: one, I’m in the right fucking place, and two, I know I’m fucked.

Leaning against the opposite wall in front of the door to Sloane’s dressing room is one angry-looking Davis. He looks pissed as hell while he stares me down with steely eyes.

He pushes himself off the wall with his foot that he has propped up like a flamingo. He turns his body to face me and crosses his arms over his chest, squaring me up and down. I guess we’re really doing this.

“What the fuck do you want?” He belts out. There isn’t a goddamn thing that’s gonna run me off now. He can try all he wants but I’m not going anywhere. I don’t give a shit. I need to talk to her.

“I need to talk to Sloane,” I demand and he steps right up to me, getting in my face and blocking my way down the narrow hall.

“Like fuck you do,” he grits his teeth at me while I push toward the door, “Turn your ass around, skates.” I’m not asking for his fucking blessing and flip him off before knocking on her door. “Sloane, we need to talk, I–,” she raises her hand and closes her red-rimmed eyes for a moment while she inhales a breath. Her lips are full and slightly parted. She’s so close I can see the tear tracks down her cheeks. She’s been crying. Fuck! I fucked it all up, didn’t I?

“I beg your pardon, but we’ll be doin’ no such thing. I’ve got nothing left to say to you.” The second I hear her sweet voice, I think of her up on that stage singing to me and get lost in her all over again.

“She’s asking you to leave, dickhead. Get a move on,” Davis says with a snarl and a lip curl.

“Sloane, give me five minutes to talk, I–.” Her hand rising has me swallowing down the rest of my words when she interrupts me again. I also try to breathe around my heart that’s lodged in my goddamn throat. This can’t be good…

“I think you should go,” she says softly while clutching her feather necklace. She looks so goddamn sad it breaks my fucking heart.

“I heard your song, I want you to know that I–,” she shakes her head back and forth to block out the rest of my words before shutting me out all together when she closes the door in my stupid face.

“And I thought you should know that I’m now done trying,” I hear her say through the dressing room door just as my heart splatters all over the floor.