Choosing You (Gravity Hill #3)

1. Before

“ L et’s go!” Toby shouts in excitement. I don’t entirely blame him, we’re going camping in the mountains for the first time on our own. Usually, our dads accompany us on these trips, Creed even comes too. He’s like our uncle, basically. I’ve known him my whole life.

My dad, Luca, was lost when my mama died giving birth to me. So, like the good friend Creed is, he pulled us into his home and allowed us to make space for ourselves. He saved us, even though he’ll never admit it.

“Come on, before Toby gets his panties in a twist,” Talon grumble-shouts from the passenger seat. The oldest out of our friend group–we’re more like brothers, really–Talon and Toby, the twins, joined us around my sixth birthday. Creed brought them in with their dad, Nile, just like he did us.

By then, the room in the house was stretched thin, but we didn’t mind. It was an unorthodox way to grow up, with two fathers who had different parenting styles, but I wouldn’t change it for anything though. I love these people, and the fact that I haven’t been honest with them kills me. I feel like my heart will burst every time it pumps blood through my veins, the longer I hide from them.

“Henry!” Banks shouts from where he’s standing, one foot hiked up into the truck and the other still firmly on the gravel. “You coming, or what?”

I nod, turning back to where Dad is standing with my bag at his feet. Rushing toward him, I wrap my arms around him, and he chuckles and ruffles my curls, “Call me if you boys find yourselves in trouble.”

I look at him, only having to look up slightly since my growth spurt over the summer. “Ha-ha, we’ll be fine for two days, Dad.”

He makes a non-committal noise and bends to pick up my bag, handing it to me. I smile and wave at Nile and Creed, who have walked back up to the house. Diego, Banks's dad, is left on the gravel, sending us off with a hard pat on the truck before he walks over to stand with the others.

“Go on,” Dad nudges me. “Have fun, and be safe.”

“Love you!” I shout over my shoulder before throwing my bag onto the seat and jumping into the back of Toby’s truck.

Toby and Talon hoot and holler out of the windows as Toby drives down the gravel road that leads to the main highway, where he turns left, heading to the mountains we’ve been to every summer for the past six years.

I can’t remember whose idea it was to spend the end of our fall break camping, but as the rolling green hills turn into heavily tree-lined highways, I feel my breathing even out and the tension in my chest easing.

The mountains feel safe, away from expectations and secrets. The drive isn’t terribly long, but still, I close my eyes and enjoy a nap.

“Is someone going to wake the sleeping prince, or what?” Talon asks from somewhere in the truck, and I groan.

“I can hear you,” I say around a yawn, “and y’all wanted to drive, so napping doesn’t make me spoiled, it makes me smarter than you.”

He laughs while I pop the door open and step out onto the barely paved parking lot that serves as a home base for the trails. Stretching my body to work out the kinks of car sleeping, I catch Banks looking at my exposed stomach where my t-shirt rode up.

Heat rushes to my cheeks, and I quickly turn away.

God, if he only knew.

I’ve known him my whole life. He’s the only one of us who doesn’t live at Creed’s house, instead living with his father and mother like he should. All our dads work for Creed, so Banks tends to be around a lot.

I’ve had a crush on him for a while now, ever since I discovered that I like guys. As in, like guys , and not just in an objective ‘he’s handsome’ kind of way, but in the ‘I immediately need to find a place to sit down’ kind of way. At first, I thought it was simply admiration, and I do admire them far more than I ever have girls. But I figured out the difference pretty quickly when I found myself admiring my best friend way more than I should. And sometimes when he looks at me or talks to me, I think… maybe he might like me too.

Part of me thinks my mind is playing cruel tricks on me, telling me to go for it. When, in reality, if I told him and he didn’t feel the same way, could we move past it?

Would he tell Toby and Talon?

My Dad?

Creed?

Everyone I love could shut me out or worse, and I don’t think I can handle that. They’re all I have, and we have one rule in the house.

No lies.

Omissive lies, like the giant one I’ve been holding onto, definitely count.

My heart starts pumping at an alarming rate, and I double over on the other side of the truck, away from where my friends have started to walk, to the beginning of the trail.

Breathe, Henry, one in, two hold. One out, two hold.

I repeat the same mantra over again until my chest doesn’t feel like I’ve been buried alive, and my mouth starts to fill again with spit.

Grabbing my bag, I sling it over my shoulder and steel my nerves.

You can do this, Henry. It's just camping with your best friends.

Shutting the passenger door, I jog over to where they’re standing. Talon and Toby are identical, save for their hair. It’s wild, really, how two people can look the exact same and yet still be polar opposites.

I’m the tallest of the group since my growth spurt hit earlier than them. I imagine that won’t be the case for long, Toby’s shoulders have started to fill out, making him and Banks the biggest in the group. His sandy brown hair hangs in his sea blue eyes, unlike Talon, whose blond hair is clipped into a mohawk.

Banks’s dark copper hair is tied up on top of his head, and a few of the lighter strands have fallen loose against his neck. His gray eyes slide my way as I step up to the group, and I almost forget to breathe.

He’s always been so striking, even when he was all angles and bones.

He’s almost as tall as me, but this summer, he and Toby spent a lot of time with our fathers in the gym. Where I’m still lanky with noodle arms and legs, Banks has spent his time gaining muscles. It’s been a slow process, and being able to see the progress has been amazing–even for Toby.

“Y’all ready?” Toby asks, bouncing back on the heels of his boots.

“Lead the way,” Banks says with a smirk. His lips are like the perfect shade of sunset, like when the sky mixes between pink and orange. His freckles have only gotten more pronounced since we’ve spent so much time outdoors, and I hate myself a little for wishing I knew exactly how many he has.

Toby starts up the path, Talon right beside him, breaking my gaze away from Banks’s profile. Banks follows after. Looking back over his shoulder, he shouts, “You just gonna stand there, or what?”

Licking my lips, I shake my head to clear my thoughts and step onto the trail. The walk isn’t bad, nor is it long. The hard-packed dirt makes for an easy hike, and the trees, turning shades of orange and red, make it that much more enjoyable.

There’s something awfully peaceful, even exhilarating, about being surrounded by trees and light. The sun breaks through the branches, casting the guys in golden colors as we walk, and the air is fresh with the scent of earth since it rained last night.

Small animals scurry away from us as we walk, sifting the leaves that have fallen. Twigs crunch under our boots, and birds sing to each other in the canopy overhead.

It’s like magic.

Soon, a clearing opens up. It’s patched with grass that’s lasted the season and an old fire ring that’s been used many times. Charred wood remains in a black and gray skeleton of what once was brown and living.

The area has a small picnic table over to one side where we sit our bags so we can set up our tents. Talon carried his and Toby’s tent while Banks carried the one he and I will be sharing. We unpack the things we need to set up our nylon tents and set about finding the perfect spots.

Talon and Banks bicker, each of them thinking they know what’s best. “No, the tent goes here, dumbass.”

“It’s flatter over here, prick.” Banks responds and throws down our tent for the night, effectively choosing the spot. “When you can’t sleep tonight because you picked the wrong spot, I don’t want to hear your bitching.” Talon gripes across the space, starting to unfold the material that will act as their shelter for tonight.

I swallow down my anxiety and help Banks secure the ties into the ground so our tent stays upright while we sleep. However, with the space being so small, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at all, knowing he’s so close.

Once our tents are set up, Toby saunters out of the woods with a stack of wood to burn. I was so focused on helping Banks–and internally freaking out over sleeping arrangements–I hadn’t realized he’d left.

“I’ll set up my bag later,” Toby’s face splits into a grin. “I wanna crack open the cooler and sit by the fire before the sun goes down.”

Talon throws their bags into their tent, so I follow suit, picking up Banks’s bag and my own and tossing them into our tent. Looking at the lack of space between them makes my stomach sink a bit. We’re far enough away, so I don’t think the twins would be able to hear us snore, which means I’ll be alone with Banks.

Truly alone with him, without anyone around.

The thought sends panic through my system. I don’t think I can do this–a whole night, alone in a tent with my best friend, who I just so happen to be crushing on so hard that I have daydreams about the two of us… together.

God help me.

“You brought a fan?” Banks’s voice startles me out of my head. Spinning around, I find him knelt down in our tent, holding my battery-operated fan.

“Why are you going through my bag?” I ask, but it comes out a little accusatory. “Sorry, I just–I thought we weren’t doing that until later.”

“You brought a fan?” Talon mocks.

“I like the noise,” I shrug.

Banks turns the dial, and immediately cool air flows from inside the tent. It’s noisy but not terrible.

“Damn, Henry,” Banks laughs as he continues to unpack my bag, “a comforter too?”

“Ohhhh, he’s glamping!” Toby shouts as he connects flint and steel against the bark of a fallen tree limb he broke apart for a fire.

“Fancy,” Banks says, as all three join in on the laugh.

“I like to be comfortable!” Rolling my eyes I continue, “Is that a crime?”

“ Fancy ,” Talon chuckles, “I think I like that.”

“No,” I grumble even though I know that’s not going to deter Talon from calling me the ridiculous nickname.

“I like it!” Toby hollers, finally getting the fire to catch. “Ta-da!”

“Well, I don’t,” I mutter, though the three of them continue their ribbing. Despite my attempts to defend myself.

“Come on, Fancy,” Banks says crawling out of the tent. “Let's make some s’mores, and you can tell us what other ridiculous items you packed.” He drapes his arm over my shoulder and jostles me.

I couldn’t help my smile even if I tried. With Banks’s side pressed against mine… his eyes focused on me… I’m surprised I haven’t melted into the earth with as hot as my skin heats.

He cocks a brow and turns his head to whisper in my ear, “I think I like the nickname.” He pulls back to look me in the eyes and adds, “It suits you.”

Walking away as if he didn’t just make my boxers tighter, he sits along the side of the fire with Toby and Talon digging through the cooler. I’m absurdly hot, my face feels like it’s on fire, and the worst part is he doesn’t even know that he’s doing it.

I might just sleep under the stars tonight. The forecast isn’t calling for rain, and I think I’d have better chances of not embarrassing myself with the threat of bears than inside a tent with him.

It feels unfair to feel like this about him, especially since none of the most important people in my life know that I’m gay. Just saying it in my head is scary enough, but out loud? I’m a coward, plain and simple. I’m not afraid they’ll be upset because I’m gay. No, I’m afraid they’ll be upset that I’ve been lying by omission for… ever.

Shaking off those thoughts, I join my friends. We talk and eat all the junk food we snuck out here with us until we’re full enough to puke and the smell of burnt marshmallows fills the air. My stomach riots against what I know is coming, yet I know it has nothing to do with the amount of sugar and grease I put into it tonight.

Toby’s the first to leave, rubbing his stomach. “Why did y’all let me eat that much? I’m going to be playing hell in the gym tomorrow.”

“Pussy,” Talon calls after him. To which his twin flips him the bird and disappears into their tent. The rustling of sleeping bags and other stuff being shifted around is the only sound in the otherwise quiet night. The crickets are out, singing their songs, lightning bugs flare sporadically as the three of us sit in silence.

I close my eyes and lay back onto the blanket I brought out earlier. It gets cold here in the mountains when the sun goes down. Opening my eyes and looking up at the star-lit sky, I imagine a perfect world where everyone knows exactly who I am.

It looks a lot like my current life, except Banks steals kisses instead of looks. His hand would brush mine anytime we passed each other, and everyone would be happy for us.

“Well, I guess I’ll turn in too,” Talon says after he yawns for the third time since his brother went to their tent. “We’ll get started on our hike bright and early tomorrow. Night assholes.”

“Good night,” I whisper into the cool air.

I can hear Banks scoot and see how the fire dances toward him. He’s like a magnetic force, everything wants to be near him. The flames dance until they’re almost extinguished, leaving the night the only thing between us.

Banks moves closer, the dirt beneath him shifts with his weight, small pebbles roll by my head.

“It’s quiet here,” Banks speaks into the night.

“Not when you’re talking,” I laugh at my own stupid joke, and he joins in. It bursts out of him in a joyful noise. One of the twins must already be asleep now because once our laughing wears thin, we hear one of them snoring.

Tilting my head to glance at Banks, we burst into laughter once again. Even upside down I marvel at his beauty. When our laughter subsides, his gray irises latch onto mine and it’s like I’m suspended in air.

Moonlight highlights his brow, casting him in a glow I didn’t think humans could achieve. Or maybe that’s just my brain's chemistry making him look angelic. My eyes dart to his lips, where his tongue breaks them apart and wets them before he raises his hand and claps it to the back of his neck in a sigh.

“I think I’m gonna head to bed too, Fancy,” his eyes follow his hand as it meets his lap.

“Okay,” I whisper, looking back up at the stars.

He leans over me, his hair hangs down from where he must have pulled the tie out. “Are you coming?”

My breath stalls in my lungs.

It feels like whatever lies between the two of us isn’t one-sided– my sided –and the way he’s asking has butterflies erupting in my stomach because it feels possible. Like all I have to do is reach out and take it.

I nod, not trusting my voice not to betray just how nervous I am. With a grunt, he gets to his feet while I sit up. He offers me his hand, and I can’t look at him as I latch my palm in his and get to my feet.

When he doesn’t immediately let go, my knees feel wobbly, and my throat tightens. As I swallow my nerves, I watch in fascination as his eyes track the movement of my throat. I have to tilt my head down to catch his eyes, and when I do, he drops my hand and heads for the tent.

Exhaling, I shake my head and fold up the blanket I brought out. Maybe it is all in my head.