Choosing You (Gravity Hill #3)

35. Chapter 32

I wanted to talk to him so damn bad. I wanted him to beg for my forgiveness. I wanted a lot of things from Banks when he walked into the cafe. Instead, I fled, like a coward. Hiding in the back of the kitchen eating a fresh plate of gingerbread cookies probably isn’t the most efficient way to achieve the resilient life I’m trying to build.

Koda giving me that out helped and hurt me. I wanted to see what Banks was going to say. However, I knew it wouldn’t be what I wanted to hear. He’s promised to marry Charlie, and that’s exactly what he’ll do.

He won’t go back on that.

No matter how much I love him.

“He’s gone,” Koda smiles and reaches for a cookie. “These are amazing and are totally going to sell out. How long have you been into baking?”

“I’ve always been interested,” my cheeks heat at the praise. “It wasn’t until Fern and Flourished opened that I really found a love for the kitchen.”

“Well, thank you, Fern and Flourished. You’re gonna have to teach me how to bake before I graduate.”

Is he asking me on a date?

Flirting with me again?

Why am I so bad at this?

“Koda,” I shake my head, willing my thoughts to stop so I can tell him what I need to.

“It’s okay,” Koda grips my hand, not currently occupied by a cookie, and looks into my eyes. “You aren’t ready for anything serious. I can respect that, it’s okay.”

A deep breath leaves my body before I can stop it.

“It’s not,” I laugh, I’m fucking this up. “I think in another life, if we’d met at another time, I could build something with you. You’ve got your shit together. You’re kind, and… well, look at you, God. It’s not that I don’t want to try with you, Koda, I’m just all messed up, and you deserve better. I want you but my heart is just…”

“Not ready?” He supplies, and I nod. I’m not ready to jump two feet into another relationship that may break what’s left of my heart. I need to heal that on my own.

“I’m sorry,” I begin.

“Don’t be,” he chuckles, “it’s okay, I understand.”

He doesn’t, not really. No one does.

What I have–no, what I had with Banks was toxic, but it's the kind of toxic I still want to drown in. I realize that’s not healthy, and I’m trying to work past it. I just wish it was easy to forget everything before that was amazing… Before everything fell apart. Before he started treating me like a dirty fuck, or the easy option. Back when he loved me, out in the open, in front of everyone…

“But if you ever want to mess around, I’d be down. No strings.” Koda winks, “I also don’t mind seeing Red pissed off.” With that, he gets up and walks to the front, where he disappears.

His comment makes me want to burst out in laughter. I doubt the kitchen staff would appreciate that, though. So I chuckle to myself and clock out. I need to talk to my baking basics professor about the final. I passed the midterm with an almost perfect score.

If I can take the final and pass, I wonder if he will let me test out way earlier than planned. It would be weeks in advance–almost six, actually, but that would be one class I could mark off this semester. One less stressful thing to worry over.

By the time night falls, I’ve submitted almost every assignment needed for the baking basics class. It was the only requirement my professor said had to be met before he would open the exam for me. The clock says it’s ten-fifteen. So he probably won’t open my exam tonight, but that’s fine.

With that bummer of a thought, I close out the tab on my computer and pause. I never changed my background. Banks’s gray eyes stare into mine. He’s smiling a cheesy smile that I caught when he thought I wasn’t paying attention.

My heart aches with the memory of a happier time, but I can’t bring myself to change it. Shutting the computer, I turn off the lamp on my nightstand and turn on the TV. Reality shows always help me take my mind off everything.