44. Chapter 41
W orking at Gator Coffee Co. has kept me busy the past month, along with my classes. It’s almost comical how much free time I have without Toby, Talon, and even Banks around. They’re usually the ones that keep me busy unless I get time with Fern, which is next to impossible while school’s in.
Opal and Hannah invite me and Koda to different parties, lunch, and pretty much any social event they’re going to. I’ve said yes to a few lunches but never a party. I haven’t seen or spoken to Banks since the night we were together, and it’s been a much needed few weeks of space.
I felt bad for missing Toby and Talon’s birthday dinner and the after-party on Halloween, but they understood. I wasn’t ready to see him. To see them together again. It hurts like it would if Banks were mine and he was cheating, which I know is unfair, given what happened between us that night. It’s just how I feel.
Talon’s been surprisingly neutral about the Banks situation. He doesn’t have a negative word to say, which I’ve been suspicious of but haven’t had the guts to ask what’s up. I’m not sure I’m capable of hearing his name out loud, and I don’t think I want to hear how he’s doing.
Without me.
Dad called last night to remind me of our annual camping trip we all take every Thanksgiving. It’s something I haven’t given much thought to, but he made it crystal clear that my attendance was mandatory.
I’ve been mentally preparing to see him since. I’ve got two more projects to turn in this week, and now I’ve got all of the shit with Banks on my brain. Stress and me, we’re not friends.
One of my professors said everyone had finished the assigned work so she scheduled the exam early. Problem is she won’t allow us an online forum, so I have to go into the lecture hall. I’ve gained some more weight since all this started, so all I can really wear are sweats. It’s not a big deal, but I haven’t had time to go anywhere to shop, and it’s not like I have much of a social life anyway. At least, not one where it would matter that I only wear sweats or joggers.
Koda’s sitting on the couch when I leave my room, watching something on TV and eating popcorn.
“Mrs. Dods rescheduled the exam to today, right?” He raises one brow and smirks.
“Yeah,” I reply, but it sounds like a question. I’m confused by his expression, then I wonder if he’s taken her class.
“Well, you better get going,” he urges, sweeping his arm toward the door.
Shaking my head, I walk to the door and slip on my Crocs. I’ve got no one to impress, and they’re comfortable.
The walk is short, thank God, too, because the winter chill is here. I’m ready for Thanksgiving next week, thinking about seeing my family and all the food we’ll prepare makes me homesick.
Heading into campus, I almost wish I had enough time to stop by the cafe for a coffee before this exam, but looking at the time on my phone, it might be pushing it. The brick building where Mrs. Dods’s lecture hall is has two stories, and her class is on the bottom floor.
I’ve only had to be in here once on the first day for introductions, every other class was recorded and uploaded to our server. I’ve held an average of ninety-nine in this class all semester, and I’m not about to lose that score because I have to come in.
Mrs. Dods sits behind her desk, looking down at something I assume must be a test because there’s no one here. Panic sets in, did I forget the time? Have I missed the exam? My GPA is going to tank.
“Mr. Forbes, good to see you.” She says, bringing me out of my spiral.
“You as well, Mrs. Dods,” I automatically respond. “Did I miss the exam?”
She laughs at my panicked tone, “Actually, you’re right on time. And you passed.”
“Excuse me?” I ask, not entirely sure I understand what’s happening. “I haven’t taken the exam yet.”
“You just did,” her laugh continues at my confused expression. “Thank you for showing up.”
“That was the exam? Showing up?”
“You have a ninety-nine in my class. I think it’s fair to say you would ace any test I gave you. Now, go enjoy your holiday.” She winks and returns to whatever it is she’s doing as I stand there stupefied.
When it’s clear she’s not going to offer me any more of an explanation I head to the coffee shop where Opal’s beaming smile greets me as I walk in. Her blonde hair is tied back into a sleek ponytail, and her cheeks are pink.
“Hey, sugar!” She yells as my feet hit the wooden floor of the cafe.
“Hi, Opsies,” I’ve grown accustomed to calling her by her nickname, every time I do, she blushes and smiles brighter.
“What’ll it be today?” She grabs our largest cup and waits for me to tell her what I want. I like to try new things, so I order a peppermint lavender tea this time. I haven’t tried those two together. Maybe it’ll be exactly what I need.
Something calming to take back to the apartment while I log on and finish up a few more assignments.
“Here you go!” Coming around the counter she wraps her arms around my middle, and squeezes me tight. “I’m gonna miss you over the long weekend.”
“I’ll miss you too,” I tell her. She’s been a good friend, and I enjoy her antics. “I’ll see you before Christmas, you know that.”
“I know, but my last two weeks before Christmas break are going to be insane. I’ll barely have time to eat, let alone see my friends.”
She returns to work with a sigh, and I head for the apartment, ready to psych myself up and get this long weekend over with.
The apartment’s nice, but it’s so quiet. I miss the noise of a loud house. Talon bickering with anyone who will entertain him, Fern and I in the kitchen baking new things for Fern and Flourished. I want that back–the noise, the laughs, the everything.
“Back so soon?” Koda laughs when I enter the apartment.
“She gave me full credit just for showing up,” I tell him, still confused about it. His smile gets wider, and it hits me. “You knew that was her ‘exam,’ didn’t you?”
“Confused the hell out of me too,” he nods.
“I thought I was losing my mind!” I whine, playfully knocking his shoulder.
He shrugs and asks about lunch, which I decline so I can relax in the tub for a bit before I have to pack.
Nerves explode in my stomach when Dad pulls up to my apartment. I watch from my window as he gets out of his car and walks into the building. It doesn’t take long for the elevator to ding, signaling his arrival.
Bolting from my door, I catch him right off the elevator. He laughs and wraps his arms around me.
“I missed you,” I murmur into his button-up, then release him so we can walk to the apartment. I left it propped open with my bag so we could get back in without me needing my key. His brows shoot up in surprise.
“I thought I’d have to pack your bag myself,” he chuckles.
“I’m ready,” I nod. Or at least as ready as I can be.
He winks and picks my bag up from the floor, shouldering it so I can grab the other. Koda left earlier when I was in my room packing. He didn’t offer me any parting words, only gave me a look that made me feel like maybe he wasn’t so okay with my choice not to hook up anymore. Shaking off the thought, I make sure the door lock latches behind us and follow after Dad to the elevator.
When we’re in the SUV, he cranks the heat and asks me about school. His features beam when I tell him about my 4.0 grade point average and how much I’m enjoying my classes. He tells me how proud he is. The rest of the ride is silent because I’m afraid to ask about Banks, even though I want to know if he’s brought Charlie to the house for this trip.
I decide not to risk it, one question will lead to more, and I’m not sure he can answer them. We roll through as the gates open, and when Dad parks the SUV, he turns and looks at me.
“Everyone is here,” he says, eyes bouncing around my face, trying to get a read on what I’m feeling. “Talon, Cin, Toby, Banks, and Charlie.”
I nod, sucking my bottom lip into my teeth, letting it slowly release.
“If you aren’t ready, no one would blame you for sneaking in and heading straight to your room,” he offers. “But, I’m going to ask you not to.”
“Dad,” I sigh.
“Henry, we’ve all missed you. We know what happened with Banks was excruciating. No one expects you to have gotten past that pain, but I think when you hear some of the things that have happened, you’ll understand a little more.”
He’s not pressuring me, but the look on his face is hopeful. I’ve always been the one with a level head out of our group. I can do this.
The moment I step foot into the mudroom, I have the overwhelming urge to run to my bedroom and hide. Suppressing my nerves, I take a deep breath and walk into the kitchen. Fern looks up and squeals, launching herself across the kitchen to throw her arms around me.
“I’m so glad you’re home!” She all but screams in my ear and I laugh. There’s nothing quite like the enthusiasm of Fern. “It’s been too long!”
“I know,” I reply, returning her hug and squeezing her into my body. Cin waves from where she and Fern had been standing, and I wave back, releasing Fern.
Toby waltzes into the kitchen and slaps my back, bringing me in for a hug. “We didn’t think you’d come.”
“But we’re glad to see you,” Cin chimes in.
“Yeah!” Talon agrees, shoving his brother out of the way so he can hook his arm around my neck. Pulling my head down like he’s going to run his knuckles through my hair.
Pushing him off me, I look up, and my heart stops, my throat runs dry, and my palms sweat. Banks is standing in the doorway, looking like he hasn’t slept.
For weeks.
The room’s deathly quiet. I can’t hear anyone take a breath, or maybe that’s just me because my pulse has sped up so much that I can hear my own heart beating.
“Hey,” he says, and once again, I’m hopeful. Hopeful that he’ll get on his knees and beg for me back. That he’s finally realized that he can’t live without me, just like I can’t live without him. “Can I talk to you alone?”
“You broke my heart in front of them, I’m sure whatever you have to say now can’t top that humiliation.”
Fuck.
I thought I was past it, but I guess at this point, I’m not sure I want to hear anything he has to say, even if it is begging.
“I’m sorry,” he says, cutting off my thoughts.
That’s… Not what I was expecting.
“I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you… in the most vile way.”
I roll my eyes. Was I hoping this exact thing would come out of his mouth? Yes.
Do I believe him for even a second? No.
Fool me once…and all that, so I cross my arms and wait for the rest of his bullshit.
His eyes dart around the room, and he bites his lip, “I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I realize that I have a lot to atone for–”
I scoff, cutting him off.
“I’m trying here, Henry.” He sounds exhausted, looks even worse, and I shouldn’t fucking care. I really, really shouldn’t, but his hair is longer as if he hasn’t shaved it since the last time I helped him. His eyes are bloodshot and rimmed in dark circles.
Taking a step forward, I pound on his chest with my fists, pushing him backward. “For years, I waited, hoping you’d come to terms with who you really are. Who you used to be. I hoped, foolishly, for weeks after your birthday, you’d realize the savior complex you’d developed was all a shield used to cover your grief, but you never did.”
I didn’t think my heart could take this, but I was wrong. I’m not sad and broken from more of his games. I’m fucking livid. Does he think saying sorry will fix everything he put me through? “I wanted you to choose me!” I shout, anger making my voice louder than I think it’s ever been before.
“Choose you?” He scoffs as if it’s the most ridiculous option in the world. “Choosing you was never an option, Henry.”
He says it so softly I almost don’t hear him, and I’m mildly aware that our family is starring, but goddamn him , it’s been too long, and I’ve waited years for him to love me back.
Tears fall down my face as his words truly sink in, and I know that this will be the moment my heart finally hardens, and I’ll forever be lonely. “It’s always been an option. When are you going to be honest with yourself, Banksie?”
His eyes shine with unshed tears, and his jaw is clenched so tight that his lips are smashed into a firm line. Knowing I shouldn’t, I want them pressed against mine even now. I want him to beg for my forgiveness, not simply say he’s sorry.
I want him to choose me over everything and everyone, but it’s clear that he won’t. Turning around, I start toward the door, but his hand envelopes my elbow, and he spins me back around.