Chapter 4
4
A ustin leaned against the wall by Cinnamon’s bedroom door. The guttural sobs that filtered through the air cut his soul in half. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists. He’d gotten out of bed to get a glass of water. He’d been restless and unable to sleep. He thought he’d heard something and took a walk down the hallway.
Part of him wished he hadn’t.
The other part wanted to go in and comfort her, but he had no idea if she’d even welcome it.
Shit. He couldn’t stand it a second longer. He tapped at the door. “Cinnamon?” He pushed open the door a crack. “I’m coming in.”
“You don’t have to.” She sniffled. “I’m fine.”
“No. You’re not. I can hear you halfway down the hall.” He stepped in, leaving the door ajar, allowing the light to filter in.
She was curled up in the bed, hugging a pillow. She pulled the covers over her head. “I’m just having a moment.”
Flashes to his childhood filled his mind. His mom used to cry herself to sleep. He couldn’t stand that there was nothing he could do to comfort her or make things better. Same for his sister. He’d be damned if he’d let Cinnamon go through this alone.
He strolled to the other side of the bed and pulled back the sheets.
“What are you doing?” She popped her head up.
Wrapping his arms around her, he shifted her body, tucking her head into his chest. “Let it all out.”
She tilted her head. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying. “I don’t need your pity.”
He swiped the dampness from her cheeks and pressed his lips against her forehead. “That’s not what this is.” He cupped her face. “I feel your pain as deeply as I felt my mom’s and Tina’s. I watched my mother suffer in silence. You know how much the cruelty of her isolation affected me. I won’t stand on the other side of that door and let you go through this alone.”
“You don’t understand.” She bolted upright, clutching the covers to her chin. “A year after Rosy died, I knew I needed to leave Pete, yet I stayed. I knew better, but for some ridiculous reason, I thought he’d change. Or maybe I thought I could change him.”
“Babe. Don’t do this to yourself.” He fluffed a pillow and leaned against the headboard, knowing she needed a little space. This wasn’t his first rodeo. “My sister didn’t leave her ex at first because she was afraid of what people would think and the fact that she, of all people, should know better because of our dad. Abusers never start out in a relationship with fists.”
“Don’t tell me shit I know.” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I don’t need you to be condescending or to remind me of all the pitfalls of what happens to battered women. All I need is to cry it out.”
“I’m not stopping you from doing that. But there’s no point in being alone when there’s someone who cares about you and is willing to hold you until you’re done or fall asleep.”
“Why do you care? I mean, you hated me for years.”
He arched both brows. “What the hell are you talking about?” This was not a response he expected, nor was he sure how to deal with it. “I’ve never hated you.”
“Come on. I cheated on you. Got pregnant. Married someone else, and then you didn’t speak to me for fifteen years until I accidentally called you. And now you all of a sudden give a shit?”
He blew out a puff of air and raked a hand through his unruly hair, which desperately needed a cut.
Her ramble was deflection at its best and he contemplated if he should even give it life. However, they did have their own unresolved issues that he did want to discuss. He figured they’d do it after Pete was back behind bars and her divorce was more than just a filing. But hell, if she wanted to get her mind off the current problem, he’d go there—for her.
“First, you didn’t cheat on me. We’d broken up.”
“That’s a technicality.”
“Maybe so, but let’s not forget that two months before that I was the one who stepped out on you.” He lowered his chin. “I don’t know why you’ve always given me a pass on that.”
She poked him dead center in the chest. “I was pissed as hell and hurt when you did that. But you told me and I forgave you. We did our best to get past it. And let’s not forget, we were also broken up or on a break or whatever when it happened. Not to mention, she was some nameless, faceless girl you met at some party at school. Not someone we both knew. And she didn’t end up pregnant.”
Closing his eyes, he counted to ten.
“I hate it when you do that. It means you’re contemplating saying something I won’t like.”
“I don’t think this is the right time to rehash this.” He blinked.
“Just say it.”
“Fine.” He folded his arms. “The only difference between the two situations outside of you having a child was that you married Pete.” He pressed his finger over her mouth when she opened it. “After I told you I still loved you. That I didn’t care about what happened and that I’d raise that baby with you. I would have done whatever it took to make us work. But you didn’t believe me.”
“You think Pete was ever going to let that happen?” She fell back on the bed. “I thought about having an abortion, but it was too late.”
He rolled to his side, running his finger up and down her arm. “I’m sorry that I abandoned you. I should have fought harder for us.”
“I’m being an asshole,” she mumbled. “I hurt so I want everyone around me to be in as much pain as I’m in.”
“I get it.”
“Sometimes I hate when you’re this understanding. A part of me thinks I married Pete out of spite.”
“I know I moved to Montana and cut off all communication with anyone associated with Whiskey Ranch out of anger and frustration. I thought if I spoke to anyone, I’d ask about you or want to see you, and I was always afraid of what I’d do to Pete.”
“You can be jealous.” She laughed. “Remember Henry McGraw?”
“He was hitting on my girl right in front of me. What did you expect me to do?”
“Not throw your beer in his face.” She rested her cheek on her hands and smiled. “I’m just glad you didn’t hit him.”
“I thought about it.”
“I know.”
Being with her like this brought back so many good memories. He wanted to relish in every single one. “I’m not the only one who could be possessive. I recall one time when you threw horse manure at someone because you thought they were flirting with me.”
“That bitch Susie was absolutely giving you google eyes. And she made fun of the fact she had big boobs and I was in a training bra. She used to tell me that if she flashed you her nice round tits, you’d drop me like a hot potato.”
“That was never going to happen. But I got so much shit for having a twelve-year-old girlfriend when I was fourteen and a freshman in high school,” he said. “You’d come watch practice with all the other girlfriends and my teammates would call me a cradle robber, among other things. It eased up eventually. Two years isn’t a big age gap. But I had been in love with you since the fifth grade.”
“I used to tell JD I was going to marry you when I was like three.”
“He has pictures of you in a little wedding dress and cowboy boots.”
She groaned. “That’s so embarrassing.”
“I think it’s cute.” He reached out and brushed some of her hair from her face. The bruising around her eyes had turned a deep black and purple. It hurt his heart. “Everyone thought we were the most disgusting couple.”
“My dad thought you were a cornball, but he adored you.”
“I miss your dad. He was a good man.”
“I wish he were here,” she whispered. “I wish I could remember my mom.”
Austin hadn’t meant to bring up a painful memory such as her father's death. He tugged her closer. “You’re not alone.”
“I know that, but sometimes it feels like I am. Not only did Pete isolate me from friends and family, but I’ve been so ashamed of what my life has become.”
Leaning in, he brushed his lips over her mouth. A fire ignited deep in his gut. He cut the kiss short. This was not the time. They may never get the chance to rekindle their love and he had to be okay with that. His role right now was to offer her comfort, a shoulder to cry on, and to be a good friend. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’re still young. You have time to rebuild and start fresh. And you have an entire family of crazy people to love you.”
She smiled. “Thank you for invading my personal space tonight.”
“Anytime.” He sat up.
“Austin?”
“Yes?” He glanced over his shoulder.
“Will you stay with me?”
“Of course, but can we go to my bed? It’s bigger and more comfortable. As a matter of fact, I’m going to order a new mattress tomorrow. This one sucks.”
“Thank God. I wasn’t going to say anything, but it’s killing my back.”
He jumped to his feet and offered a hand. “Come on. I promise to stay on my side of the bed.”
She burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
“You said those exact words to me the first night we had sex.”
“The difference between that night and tonight is I had no intention of keeping that promise and I had a box full of condoms,” he said. “What you need is a good night’s sleep and maybe a nice long hot bath in the morning.”
“That’s sounds wonderful.”
He tugged her down the hall and into his room. “I’m also being a little selfish.”
“What do you mean?” She climbed into his bed, curling up on her side.
He turned out the light and joined her. “I won’t be able to sleep if I’m worried that you’re having another moment.”
Playfully, she slapped his shoulder. “I can’t tell if you’re pulling my leg or not.”
“I’m dead serious. I hate that you’re in so much emotional pain and that I can’t fix it.” He cupped the back of her neck and kissed her tenderly. “I’ve never stopped thinking or caring about you. I know the timing is all fucked up and your situation is difficult, but I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere and you can count on me.”
“Please don’t make me cry.” She snuggled into his body. She was warm and soft and he didn’t want to ever let her go again.
“I don’t want to ever be the reason you shed a tear. However, I’m here to hold you if you need to let it out.”
Her hot lips landed on the center of his chest. She sighed. “Good night, Austin.”
“Sleep well,” he managed.