CHAPTER TWO
FLUMPH
Mortal Realm
“Flumph! More wine!” Anona yells. Then she lean back in her wooden chair, all casual-like, an’ plops her feet up on the table in front o’ her like she think her shit don’t stink. She stretch her arms out an’ laughs. I can’t stand the ugly bitch but she’s in a good mood, which is good for me.
“Comin’ right up, mistress!” I say as I fly up to the counter an’ grip the bottle o’ wine, my arms barely circlin’ it. My little wings beat like crazy an’ I’m airborne for a few seconds while I get near Anona’s table. Then, I’m all strugglin’ to get the damn bottle (which be the same size as me) up in the air agin, but I does an’ I get to refillin’ the ugly bitch’s glass without spillin’ a drop.
“You see that?” I say with a big-ass smile as I put the bottle on the tabletop an’ cross my arms ‘gainst my chest, real proud-like. “Didn’t spill a drop!”
“Refill me too, winged pig,” Dravon say, slammin’ his fist into the table while he face me.
Dick.
I glare at him, ‘cause he know I hate bein’ called a “winged pig.” I ain’t no pig. Maybe I’m a little chubby, but still… I ain’t no pig. An’ definitely no winged pig. I’m a sprite, an’ a damned good tavern-keep, too.
Dravon, the ugly bastard, is gonna pay for that one. Maybe I’ll take a ripe piss into his wine—or maybe I’ll ask Godwin to take a ripe piss into it, ‘cause everyone knows there ain’t nothin’ ranker than ogre piss…
‘Course, I’m not sure how I’m gonna get my todger anywheres near Dravon’s wine when I’m floatin’ right in front o’ him an’ he’s askin’ for a refill. Really, the only place you can piss in someone’s drink be behind the counter.
“Winged pig!” Dravon shout. All the ugly bastard has to do is reach ‘cross the table, lift up the bottle, an’ refill his glass hisself. But nooooo. He doin’ this on purpose.
Anus face.
I lift the bottle an’ float over to the fucker. Then I refills his glass but I ain’t careful ‘bout it an’ end up spillin’ some on his lap.
“You little shit!” Dravon rail, but I’m already flyin’ back ‘cross the main room o’ the tavern an’ Dravon is so damn slow, there ain’t no way he gonna keep up with me. I land safely on my counter with a big ol’ smile. Dravon look at me real angry-like, an’ I stick my tongue out an’ then flip him the bird.
That’s what you get, dick.
Anona reach out an’ put her hand on Dravon’s arm, like she tryin’ to calm him. But calmin’ a demon ain’t no easy feat. Especially one as stupid as Dravon.
“No time for yelling,” Anona say with a laugh. “Not when our luck has turned so much for the better.”
Dravon grunt an’ turn away from me toward his mistress. He down the glass o’ wine in one gulp an’ slam it into the table with a thunderin’ echo. He be the ugliest of all Anona’s men: scaly red skin, little black eyes, an’ shitloads of horns coverin’ his head an’ face. An’ he smell like a fresh goblin shit.
“Dravon, do you realize what this angel will mean for business?” Anona continues while Dravon shake his head real slow-like. “An angel beneath this roof, Dravon. Do you understand the money she’ll command?” She take a breath. “And she’s the most beautiful angel I’ve ever seen.”
Not that she seen many angels. None o’ us have. Angels be rare ‘round these parts. An’ for good reason—they been rounded up ever since Variant took control o’ things. Rumor got it that all them girl angels are bein’ purposely put on the extinct list. Same thing happened to the boy angels a long-ass time ago, an’ there ain’t none o’ them left.
“Then you ain’t gonna turn her over to Variant?” Dravon ask in his big, dumb voice that matches his dumb expression. I hope he chokes on his tongue.
Anona laughs, but it’s a cold sound. “Turn her over to Variant?” she repeat an’ shake her head like Dravon gotta be the biggest idiot she ever met. He definitely the biggest idiot I ever met.
“And forego the fortune I’ll make on her? Why would I even consider such a foolish thing?”
Hmm, not turnin’ the angel over to Variant would be considered an even foolisher thing. Variant ain’t someone you want on your bad side. An’ he don’t exactly like Anona as it is. For reasons jist like this one. Anona’s always tryin’ to ride the line ‘tween doin’ what Variant orders an’ doin’ whate’er she want.
“Ain’t it the law, mistress?” Dravon ask.
“She’s legal,” Anona tells him as she downs another gulp o’ wine an’ then belches real loud. She ain’t much o’ a lady. “She has the markings on her back. That’s all I care about.”
“But, mistress, Variant’s edict says all angels gotta be turned over to him, markings or not.” He pause for another second before he open his big, ugly mouth agin. “An’ ain’t you worried that once our customers realize what she is, word gonna spread and get back to Variant anyways? Or maybe someone goes to him direct to tell him we keepin’ an angel?”
“It would be in every one of my customers’ best interests to keep their mouths shut if they want to continue enjoying her, right, Dravon?”
“Yeah, but gossip still gossip, mistress. An’ gossip get out.”
Anona shrug. “Even if Variant were to find out I had an angel, I doubt he’d do much. We have a long history, Dravon. Perhaps he’d even allow me to keep the girl, if he knew she was no threat to him.”
Dravon look like he don’t believe a word she sayin’ which show he’s smarter than he look ‘cause Anona talkin’ all kinds o’ shit. “Seem like a risk ta me, mistress.”
Anona wave her hand in Dravon’s face like she tryin’ ta say Variant can go fuck his edict. “Your conversation bores me, Dravon.” She downs her wine an’ pounds the glass on the table. That’s my cue to refill it, which I do. While I float past Dravon, I let out a rippin’ fart which, owin’ to my size, sounds more like a zipper openin’. But the smell ain’t gonna be good; I spent my mornin’ eatin’ farringer mushrooms.
Hahaha, the twat.
“But what ‘bout all that ramblin’ the angel was sayin’ ‘bout someone or somethin’ followin’ her? It coulda been Variant’s soldiers after her?” Dravon ask, turnin’ his head to the right an’ then to the left, sniffin’ real hard an’ suckin’ my fart up through his nose.
Got you, ugly prick!
Then I think ‘bout what the dickhead just said. Someone was followin’ the angel? Interestin’. Maybe Variant’s emissaries were after her, or maybe the bounty hunters? Or maybe just some hungry-ass creature wantin’ a little meat?
“You told me you saw no one and nothing following her,” Anona answer him with a shrug. “Those were the ramblings of an addict, Dravon. You saw how bad her Atacomite withdrawals were.”
“Bad,” Dravon confirm with a heavy nod. “And now?”
Anona smile real broad like an’ motions to the top of the stairs. “Now, she sleeps like a babe. And sleep, she’ll need, because her vacation here ends tomorrow.”
“Vacation?”
“Tomorrow, she goes to work,” Anona say. “Tomorrow, she starts making me my fortune.” She take a deep breath an’ stands. “And on that note, I’ll check on her.” She take a step forward an’ face me. “Flumph, prepare our guest a plate of food.”
“Yes, mistress,” I answer.
***
FLUMPH
I float behind Anona while she take the stairs. I’m busy balancin’ the plate o’ radishes an’ stewed beef she got me carryin’ ‘tween my small hands. When Anona reach the hallway, she stride forward an’ pull out a skeleton key from her pocket. Then, she rattles with the lock ‘til I feels like I’m ready to drop that heavy-ass plate! Finally, the stupid bitch unlock the door an’ walk inside, me flyin’ jist behind her.
I heard Anona’s got a great ass but far’s I can tell, it look like anybody else’s. I ain’t exactly an ass connoisseur though ‘cause as a sprite, I’m asexual. It’s a damned good thing too, ‘cause I seen plenty o’ males with female problems an’ I want none o’ that shit.
I put the plate down on the rickety-lookin’ chair next to the cot where the girl be. That’s when I look at her. She’s passed the fuck out, but now I get why Anona be in such a good mood. The girl real beautiful. Easily the most beautiful girl I ever seen. An’ that be sayin’ a lot since I’m asexual, ‘member?
“Rise and shine, gorgeous,” Anona say, but the girl don’t move. Her veins are thrummin’ with the bold, green lines of Atacomite . That mean it probly gonna take a while to wake her up.
Anona lean over the girl an’ put her hands ‘neath the girl’s armpits, liftin’ her into a seated position. The girl’s head flops forward like she ain’t conscious.
“We need to get you cleaned up for your busy day tomorrow,” Anona goes on, mostly to herself. “Once word gets out about you, you’ll have a long wait list.”
The angel don’t open her eyes. Anona frown an’ inhale real deep—it’s what she do when she feelin’ impatient. She shake the girl ‘til the girl open her eyes. An’ her eyes are like two crazy blue jewels glowin’ in her face.
“Flumph, order her a bath,” Anona bark at me, an’ I dutifully fly out the room an’ stall over the railin’.
“Godwin!” I yell, but ‘cause I be so damn small, my voice don’t carry over the noise o’ the tavern. I float a few feet forward an’ yell for Godwin agin. The bastard’s hard o’ hearin’.
Someone on the floor tells the ogre I’m hollerin’ for him an’ the enormous creature appear a few seconds later. He look up at me with a dumb expression. His body be so big, it take up the whole door frame, but he also got this ridiculous little pin-head on top. He look like a giant tick.
“Fill a tub an’ carry it up to the middle room,” I command. “An’ don’t go sloshin’ none o’ the water out.”
“Yessir,” Godwin say in his dopey voice.
I turn ‘round an’ flap back into the angel’s room. By this time, Anona got the girl standin’, though she don’t seem too stable on her feet. Anona’s holdin’ her upright with a hand on each o’ the girl’s hips. They both facin’ a mirror on the far side o’ the room. The girl’s eyes are barely open, an’ she swayin’ from one side to the other like she’s tryin’ to get her footin’.
Poor thing’s so high, she probly thinks she’s on a ship somewheres.
“Yes, you’re quite the sight to see, aren’t you?” Anona ask as she release one o’ the girl’s hips in order to brush her matted an’ filthy white hair away from her face. It one o’ them faces you don’t forget. Her skin’s pale an’ the shape o’ her facial bones is a perfect heart. Her eyes be large, fringed with black lashes that match her arched eyebrows. Her nose be real small, an’ her cheekbones look like they’d stick out when she smile. I ain’t seen an angel before soze I can’t comment on what the others look like, but this one kinda reminds me o’ a faerie. Her mouth’s the color o’ a rose an’ she got some plump lips. Even with the dark circles ‘neath her eyes, she be stunnin’.
“We’ll get you fixed up in no time,” Anona prattle as Godwin appear at the doorway, carryin’ the metal tub o’ warm water. “In the middle of the room,” Anona say to him an’ he obediently place the tub to her specifications. Then, he look from Anona to the angel an’ it like his brain just stop workin’.
He standin’ there, lookin’ like a bigger fool than I already given him credit for.
“You can leave, Godwin,” I tell him as I push ‘gainst the back o’ his tiny, dumb head, an’ he finally remembers hisself an’ trudges toward the door.
Meanwhile, Anona busyin’ herself with removin’ the girl’s ripped an’ dirty clothin’. Once the girl is nekked, Anona jist look at her in the mirror, a small smile turnin’ up the corners o’ her mouth. It’s a smile, sure, but it real ugly-like. She cup each o’ the girl’s big titties an’ nods.
“These will make your clients very happy,” she say. “ My clients very happy. How lucky I am.” Anona’s eyes follow the shape o’ the girl’s stomach ‘til they rest on the thatch o’ white hair ‘tween her thighs. Anona bite her bottom lip an’ look like she thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’ real hard. “I wonder just how far my luck extends,” she say as she move her hand from the girl’s titty down to her thighs.
The girl, meanwhile, is comin’ in an’ out o’ awareness. Just now, her eyelashes drift down an’ her head slouches forward, like she be asleep. Or dead. Hopefully not dead.
“If you’re intact,” Anona continue. “We’ll have an auction for your virginity.”
Usin’ her index finger, Anona parts the girl’s lips an’ inserts her finger inside. The girl don’t even flinch. The smile on Anona’s face drop a little when she pull her finger back out.
“Seems someone has already gotten to you.” She look put-out. “Oh, well, you’ll still command a mighty sum.”
She lead the girl to the bath an’ help her settle into the water. Then, Anona turn to me. “Flumph, bathe her and do something about that hair. I want her stunning for tomorrow morning. Trim the hair over her mound, as well. Feed her by hand if you must, but see to it that she eats every last bite on that plate. Then, she needs her beauty sleep.”
“Yes, mistress,” I say as Anona start for the doorway. I flutter ‘round to watch her leave an’ notice she shut an’ lock the door behind her. I ain’t worried ‘bout bein’ locked in, my hands’re small enough to fit inside the lock an’ I be a master locksmith.
When I’m alone with the girl, I take a deep breath an’ begin washin’ her, feelin’ sorry for her all the while. Yeah, Anona saved her from whatever the hells was followin’ her but now, her life will be this—bein’ whored out to whoever bids the highest. Day in an’ day out. I wonder if, once she be coherent, she’ll wish she was dead. If she ever get coherent...
What happen next shock the livin’, lovin’ hell outta me, an’ I still can’t really believe it happened. I dunno if I hit a magic button or what, but no sooner do I think ‘bout the misery o’ this girl’s new life than fuckin’ wings sprout out her back!
White, feathered wings twelve feet long! An’ they sprout right where the markings are! Markings that supposedly reveal she had her wings burned off. But burned off they ain’t! ‘Cause they be flappin’ right in front o’ me, sure as mine are flappin’ right back!
“Thunder butterfuck!” I say as my heart start poundin’, an’ I look back at the door to make sure no one comin’ in. Anyone see this angel with wings an’ it’s an immediate death sentence for her, right here an’ right now!
“You gotta put them things away, girl!” I whisper right into her ear. Her wings jist beat back an’ forth like a dumb dog excited to meet me. “Girl!” I insist. “You gotta hide them things or you gonna get killed!”
I dunno if she hear me or if it jist be coincidence, but as soon’s the last word is out my mouth, the girl’s wings fold up an’ disappear into her back, leavin’ jist the dark black tattooed markings.
When I float back ‘round to the front o’ her, I notice her head’s slouched forward an’, by her breathin’, it seem like she sound asleep. I just hover in the air for a minute whiles I try to figure out what the fuck shit I should do.
If I tell Anona ‘bout the girl’s wings, she’ll kill her ‘cause she knows that edict ain’t something she can mess with. Or maybe she’ll try to burn the wings off herself, which’ll jist mean a longer an’ worser death for the poor thing.
I sigh when the answer come to me like one o’ them nasty burps that remind ya o’ what ya ate for lunch.
I gotta go to the Shadow King an’ tell him we got ourselves a real angel down at the tavern in Precinct Five.
Fuck me.