Chapter 52
I spent the entire trip to New Orleans thinking about how to start telling her everything I needed to reveal.
In my mind, I’d have to beg Jackie to listen to me. And I would. I’d send my pride straight to hell and get on my knees before her, because even knowing the chances of her forgiving me were slim, I couldn’t stand to live with the hatred of the woman who is my world.
Her contempt, yes. Losing her love . . . I’d have to accept that too. But her hate . . . not that.
I’m hated by most people. In the regular world, the role of villain fits me like a glove. But to be hated by Jackie—the reason I breathe and get out of bed every morning—that would turn my existence into nothing.
I never expected, not even in my most optimistic dreams, that she’d receive me the way she did.
After what she told me, she pushed me onto the bed.
I didn’t want to go. I’m a methodical, organized, clean man, at least on the outside.
Today, more than ever, I felt filthy inside and out in her presence, and still, I obeyed.
She lay on top of me, arms locked around my neck, and for a long time, maybe hours, we just felt each other.
And then she asked me to tell her everything.
I tried to recount only the dark parts, the ones where I killed her father and her brother.
She didn’t allow it. She demanded from the very beginning of my childhood. Anything I could remember.
Jackie wanted to see my soul, though I doubted I even had one. Now, though, I know I have a heart, and as she once told me, it belongs to her.
I did what she asked and told her my whole life story, excluding only the contracted killings, so that if one day she’s ever questioned, she won’t be considered an accomplice.
I spent a long time digging up memories that made me bleed inside.
I don’t like the role of victim, but I had to tell her that until I came to live with her family, I didn’t know what it was to eat more than once a day or to have clean clothes to wear. I told her that from as far back as I could remember, around the age of three, I had to take care of myself.
Fighting those stronger than me, learning to strike back, to retaliate, to face evil.
And then, I became it. I absorbed the evil around me by choice, a conscious decision.
Finally, I got to the part where I was kidnapped. I didn’t go into detail, but I told her how lucky I felt to have escaped and made it back to her family’s house.
I revealed how, years later, I was devastated when I discovered her father had sold me, or at least tried to sell me.
And I told Jackie something no one else knows, not even Beau: her father confessed to me, the day I killed him, that he needed to “replace” me with a child after I escaped captivity.
Someone else was trafficked so I could live a lie in the family of child traffickers.
Of all the deaths I’ve caused, that’s the only one I feel guilty for, assuming the child didn’t survive.
Finally, I finished just minutes ago, and I feel drained.
“I love you,” I say. “I told you once we shouldn’t bring feelings into our relationship, but they were always there. I know I don’t deserve your love, Jackie, but I want it anyway.”
She lifts her head from my chest. “I couldn’t take it back even if I wanted to, Lucifer. But there’s something you need to know.”
“You’re pregnant,” I say, sliding my hand over her abdomen.
“Beau told you?”
“No. He only confirmed what I already suspected.”
“Suspected?”
“Yes. I noticed your nausea. I wanted to tell you our child is welcome, but I waited for you to decide to tell me. I thought . . .”
“What?”
“I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to have my child.”
“You thought I’d have an abortion?”
“I don’t know, to be honest. Who would want to be the mother of a monster’s child?”
“I love you, Lucifer. I want our child. I want everything that comes from being with you. I’m still trying to process what happened. It was too much information at once. Suddenly, two people who mattered to me, my own blood, were revealed as monsters.”
I also told her the details Martin confessed to me just hours before, even knowing I was ripping her heart open by telling her it was her brother who, out of hatred for me, suggested to their father that I be sold.
“I’m not going anywhere, Jackie. I’ll stay by your side as long as it takes, until we can put ourselves back together again.
You are the love of my life, my wife, and you’ll be the mother of my child.
My mission has always been to make sure you’re happy.
Nothing has changed. I’ll keep loving you, and I’ll honor your love. ”