23. Lilian
Chapter 23
Lilian
Opening up about my nightmares is like ripping open an old wound that refuses to heal. I close my eyes. It’s like a non-stop movie in my head. Trapped in the closet. Trapped in my memories. Trapped in my own mind.
And I don’t know how to get out.
“It’s… always the same,” I whisper. “A red room. My mother. A sewing machine and blood-soaked fabrics. Monsters trying to get in. Hammering against the door.”
His fingers stroke my back. “Since when?”
“Ever since the accident.”
“Accident?”
“My parents died in a car accident. My father was picking up my mother while I was asleep. They thought it would be fine. But…”
His arms tighten around me. “What happened then? ”
“I don’t remember. It’s all blank. Like my mind erased it all. My uncle told me that they found me the next day outside on the stairs. Levi was there. I remember him vaguely.”
“Hmm.”
“I grew up with him and Lan. They’re like brothers to me.”
Sebastian’s thumb brushes my cheek, wiping away a stray tear. “How often do you have them? The nightmares?”
I exhale. “I had them almost every day.”
“Had? Or still have?”
“Still have… It started on my 16th birthday. I got a sewing machine. I had been asking for it for months after finding out that my mother loved sewing. Uncle Marc had been so excited as he handed me the large, carefully wrapped box. The sewing machine was, still is, beautiful, with intricate dials and engravings, but somehow, the sight of it made my stomach twist.” I take a deep breath. “Later, alone in my room, I sat down at the machine to give it a try. But the moment I pressed down on the pedal and the machine started, a wave of panic crashed over me. Everything blurred before my eyes…” And I could have sworn I saw blood, dark and thick, oozing from the fabric. I stumbled back, knocking over the chair. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. All I knew was that I had to hide. “Landon, my brother, found me hours later, curled up in the corner of my closet, shaking and—”
Sebastian takes my hand and places another kiss on my palm. Tender and loving.
A faint laugh bubbles up. “Maybe one day, I’ll be able to use it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” His tone isn’t accusatory, just curious.
I give a small shrug, averting my gaze. “I don’t like talking about it. The nightmares, my parents, any of it. It’s… easier to just avoid it all.”
“But that doesn’t make the pain go away.”
“I know but…” I trail off with a sigh. How can I explain the constant ache that sits like a stone in my chest without unravelling completely? The gnawing emptiness left behind when half my world disappeared in one tragic instant?
His hand cups my cheek, turning my face back towards him. His eyes are soft but serious. “You don’t have to hide anything from me, princess. I’m here for you.”
My lip quivers. No one’s ever made me feel safe enough to be this vulnerable before. I don’t know if it’s wise to let my guard down, but maybe just this once, it would be okay.
“I’m scared,” I whisper.
“Of what?”
“That if I let myself remember, it’ll destroy me.”
“You’re stronger than you know.” His fingertips rub along my spine, sending tingles through my body.
“Can we talk about something else, please?”
“Okay. What is on your bucket list?” His voice is a low rumble against my ear. “Something wild, adventurous, forbidden… ”
My bucket list? I’ve spent so long just surviving, getting through each day. “I…” My voice cracks. “I don’t know.”
“C’mon, princess. There must be something.”
I huff out a breath. “Fine. Skinny dipping?”
His eyebrows shoot up. “Oh really?”
“Mhmm.” I hold his stare, chin jutting out. “You asked.”
“I did.” Sebastian’s hands drop to my hips, thumbs rubbing circles that make my pulse jump. “Skinny dipping. I could arrange that.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Oh, but I want to.” He leans in closer, lips brushing my ear as he murmurs, “I want to see you. All of you.”
The images his words conjure send heat rushing through my veins. Sebastian, me, naked in the moonlight. Nothing between us but water and skin and—
“Car theater,” I blurt out.
He chuckles, the sound low and rich against my skin. “Car theater? Trying to change the subject on me, princess?”
I shrug, trying to play it cool despite the heat rising in my cheeks. “Maybe. Is it working?”
“Not even close.” His fingers graze the curve of my breasts. “But I’ll bite. What about the car theater?”
I lean into his touch, craving more even as my nerves jangle. “I’ve just always wanted to go. Sneak in the back of a pick-up truck, watch an old movie under the stars…”
“Sounds romantic.” Sebastian’s lips find my neck .
I tilt my head to give him better access, my pulse hammering. “Mmm.”
“I like it.” He kisses the top of my head. “Get some rest now.”
“Will you be here when I wake up?”
“I’ll always be there, princess.”
I nestle into his embrace, breathing in his scent. For the first time in years, I hope that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to face my demons alone anymore.
I blink awake, my mind fuzzy with the remnants of sleep and a warm heaviness pressing down on me. His arms are wrapped around me, with one hand splayed possessively over my ass. Our legs are intertwined, one of mine draped over his waist and his muscular thigh wedged between mine.
Did I spend the night wrapped around Sebastian Barron like a koala?
He looks more peaceful and unguarded than I’ve ever seen him. His long lashes flutter slightly against his cheekbones in his slumber, and his lips are parted ever so slightly, soft breaths escaping them. He looks younger like this, the usual teasing smirk nowhere to be found.
My fingers float over his stubbled jaw, and I marvel at the thrill of being able to admire him so openly like this. He doesn’t stir at my touch, lost in deep sleep. The morning sun filters in through the blinds, catching in his messy hair and making it shine golden.
He’s beautiful. And not just on the outside.
He listened to me last night, really listened. Didn’t judge me or pity me when I told him about my nightmares. Just held me tighter, like he could shield me from all the darkness in the world.
And he did.
Now, waking up in his embrace, I’m more rested than in years. No nightmares. No jolting awake in a cold sweat. Just peace.
Because of him. Because he makes me feel safe in a way I haven’t since… well, ever.
I snuggle in closer, nuzzling my head into the crook of his shoulder and neck. My eyelids grow heavy again, and I let them drift shut. I’ve never felt safer or more at peace than I do right here in this moment with him. Maybe just five more minutes like this before the day starts.
His fingertips flex against my skin, and I pray he hasn’t woken up yet. Not before I can at least freshen up a bit.
Slowly, I try to shift my leg off his. But he grumbles and hitches me closer. Oh god. I’m trapped here in his octopus grip. Panic flutters through my body. What if he wakes up? Will he try to kiss me before I can brush my teeth?
Okay, calm down, Lil. Gently move his arm and—
Sebastian’s voice is low and gravelly with sleep. “Where do you think you’re going? ”
I tense. “I, uh… bathroom?”
“Mm, I don’t think so.” He nuzzles into my hair, and I cringe, knowing how greasy it must be.
“Sebastian, I really need—”
“Need me. I know.” His eyes open, green and intense, as they lock onto mine. A slow, lazy smile spreads across his face. “Mornin’, princess.”
“Hi.”
He nuzzles into the crook of my neck, placing a lazy kiss on my bare shoulder. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yep.”
“Mhmm.” His fingers trace my spine. “I could get used to this.”
Get used to this? I shift, hyperaware of how close we are, and a hard and insistent something—I bite my lip, trying to rein in my racing thoughts.
His hand glides down to my hip, and he uses the leverage to rock against me. I inhale sharply at the contact, my body instantly responsive despite my reservations.
“So, where’s my promised breakfast?” he asks.
“I never promised you breakfast.” Do cupcakes count as breakfast?
“You invited me to spend the night.” The scrape of his teeth against my skin makes me whimper. “Breakfast is implied.”
“It’s not.” It’s a weak protest and we both know it, my body already arching into his .
“Are you sure I won’t find that sweet pussy of yours soaking wet?”
His hand slides further down between my thighs, cupping my center through the fabric.
“Well, look at that.” He strokes me, and I whimper.
I should push him away, tell him to stop. But god, it feels so good. His touch ignites a fire in my veins, and I rock against his hand, seeking more friction.
“Sebastian.” It comes out breathy and needy, not at all the stern tone I was going for.
“Yes, princess?” He grins at me, all lazy arrogance. His fingers slip beneath the edge. “Tell me what you want.”
What I want? I want him to stop teasing and touch me for real. I want him to kiss me until I can’t breathe. I want him to make me forget about everything outside this room.
“I want…” I lick my dry lips. His eyes track the movement hungrily. “I probably have morning breath, and my hair’s a mess and—”
“So? I don’t care.” To prove his point, he captures my lips in a kiss. I’m too stunned to resist at first, my mouth falling open under his. His tongue delves inside, tangling with mine. He tastes like sleep and desire, and I moan into the kiss despite myself.
By the time he pulls back, I’m breathless and dizzy. He looks entirely too pleased with himself.
“See? Morning breath isn’t so bad.” His thumb strokes my bottom lip. “In fact, I’d love to wake up like this every day. ”
I swallow hard, trying to gather my scrambled thoughts. “Sebastian, I don’t think—”
A loud, insistent knocking at the door cuts me off. We both freeze, staring at each other with wide eyes.
“Lil? You awake?” Jason’s voice filters through the door. “Wanna grab breakfast? Ju’s in.”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
Sebastian’s grin turns wicked, and he opens his mouth, no doubt to announce his presence. I slap my hand over his lips, shaking my head frantically.
“Um, I can’t!” My voice is high and thready with panic. “Not feeling well.”
The door handle rattles. “Do you need anything?”
Sebastian’s hand starts wandering south again. I swat at him, but he grins, completely unrepentant.
“No! I want to sleep.”
“Lil? You sure you’re okay?” Jason asks.
“Y-yeah, I’m fine! Just, uh, cramps. Really bad cramps.” I’m bad at this. It’s the first thing that popped into my head. I should really get that book about lying.
Sebastian’s brows raise, and he mouths ‘cramps?’ at me with an amused smirk. I elbow him in the ribs.
“Oh, okay. Well, let me know if you need anything,” Jason says.
“Mhmm, thanks!” I hold my breath .
But of course, Sebastian chooses that moment to start kissing my neck, his teeth grazing my pulse point. I press my lips together, my nails digging into his shoulders.
Jason, please just go away.
Sebastian sucks on my skin, and I know it will leave a mark. His fingers stroke me through my underwear, and my hips buck up.
“I could make you feel better than any pill, princess.” He chuckles lowly against my throat. “Just say the word.”
God, he’s incorrigible. And I’m incorrigible for wanting him so badly despite the situation.
“Lil?” Jason calls again, and I tense. “Ju asks if you have seen her key?”
I tense up, and Sebastian pauses his delicious torture, lifting his head to meet my gaze.
“Did you steal Ju’s key?” I hiss at him, trying to keep my voice low.
He shrugs. “Maybe.”
He totally did. Caught red-handed. I gape at him.
Before I can properly berate him, Jason’s voice filters through again. “Ju says she’ll use the spare key. Feel better soon!”
“Bye, have fun.” I hold my breath, listening. After a few agonizing seconds, I hear the blessed sound of the front door closing. I slump back against the pillows, exhaling.
“That was too close.” I glare at Sebastian. “You can’t just—”
His lips crash into mine, swallowing my words. I make a muffled sound of protest, but it turns into a moan as his tongue sweeps into my mouth. His hand cups my breast, thumb flicking over my nipple through the thin fabric of my tank top. I arch into his touch, my irritation melting away under the onslaught of sensation.
“You’re going to get me in so much trouble,” I say.
“Trouble’s my middle name, princess.” His voice is a low rumble that I feel all the way to my toes. “Now, where were we?”
“Pancakes,” I say.
Confusion furrows his brow. “What?”
“You wanted breakfast, didn’t you? I’ll make you pancakes.”
A deep chuckle vibrates through his chest, and in one swift motion, he flips us over, pinning me under the solid weight of his body. A surprised squeal escapes me, but it dissolves into laughter, joy bubbling up inside as I beam up at him.
“I think you’re confusing something.” He nips and sucks the skin of my neck as his hands push up my tank top. I lift my arms to help him remove it, desperate to have his skin on mine.
“So fucking gorgeous.” His eyes drink me in hungrily.
I flush under the heat of his gaze, fighting the urge to cover myself. But the way he’s looking at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen makes me feel at ease.
“You’re the first thing I’m devouring today. After that, we can have pancakes.” His head dips, and then his mouth is on my breast, hot and wet.
Breathy gasps escape my lips while his tongue swirls around my nipple, and his hand kneads my other breast .
Pleasure courses through me, hot and electric. I’m drowning in him, in the exquisite way he’s making me feel. Powerful. Desired. My hips grind against his, seeking more. Always more.