15. Alice
15
ALICE
“ S ounds like Bryar is here,” said Pershing. Pershing. The name didn’t seem to fit him. Neither did Admiral, at least not to me.
“I need to find something else to call you.”
His brow furrowed.
“Uh, sorry, that came out harsher than I intended. Please remember my people skills don’t get utilized very often.”
He chuckled. “I wasn’t offended.”
“While others may see you as Admiral, you’re someone different to me.”
His expression turned serious, but not in a bad way. “I hope I am. So, got anything in mind?”
“To call you? Not yet, but I’ll think of something.”
“Uh-oh.” He laughed again and took my hand. “Come meet Bryar.”
After meeting Diesel, I wasn’t sure what to expect from his wife. And after meeting her, I couldn’t help but see similarities between her and Pershing. While she smiled and laughed easily, there was an underlying seriousness I hadn’t expected. It didn’t make me like her less. In fact, maybe it endeared her to me even more.
“I don’t think she knows yet,” I heard Pershing say, realizing I’d missed what he was responding to. That he was smiling when he said it, relieved me, given how angry I was with him when I learned he hadn’t told me Sarah was with the FBI.
“Knows what?” I asked, folding my arms but smirking.
“Your code name,” Diesel answered before Pershing could respond.
“Sage?” I blurted. “Wait. That really isn’t a code name.”
“Sage?” Pershing repeated.
“It’s what I told Lark, the barista at the coffeehouse, my name was. So, is there another one you’re referring to?”
“Cheshire.”
I raised a brow. “The completely mad cat? Does whoever came up with it—and it better not be you—think I’m crazy?” My eyes bored into Pershing’s.
“First, no, I didn’t come up with it. Second, the Cheshire cat is threatened by no one, maintains a cool, grinning outsider status, and is a cunning and intelligent provocateur who disappears in the blink of an eye.”
I laughed heartily. “Disappears in the blink of an eye,” I said under my breath. “That’s a good one.”
I had to admit, at least to myself, that the other things Pershing said struck a chord. While I agreed that by outward appearances people might think I was threatened by no one, I’d be willing to bet Pershing knew differently. I liked the cunning and intelligent part, and I supposed I did maintain a cool, grinning outsider status.
“I like it,” I announced. “A lot, in fact. So, who came up with it?”
“Me.”
I turned and saw Tank standing in the kitchen.
“As I said, I like it. So, thanks.”
“My pleasure.” He winked. I liked him too. Actually, everyone I’d met, they were all nice, friendly, and good at what they did. There were certainly no slackers in this group.
“Ready to eat?” Bryar asked.
“Yes!” I said, maybe too enthusiastically.
Pershing put his arm around me. “I bet you don’t know the last time you ate.”
I sighed. “You’d be right, and I’m suddenly starving. Plus, whatever it is smells great.”
“Cassoulet,” Bryar said, dishing some into a bowl. “I should’ve asked if you had any dietary restrictions.”
“None at all, actually. What’s in it?”
“Great northern and baby butter beans, chicken, sausage, and a bunch of vegetables. I toss in whatever looks good.”
I put my hand on my stomach when it rumbled.
“There’s also freshly baked bread and salad.” She motioned with her head to another counter.
“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this,” Pershing said to her.
“My pleasure, boss .” Bryar winked.
The five of us sat at the table and ate. There was little conversation, given we were all stuffing food into our mouths as fast as we could.
“How’d your conversation go with Doc and Merrigan?” Tank asked.
Merrigan. Where had I heard that name before?
“What I’m about to say goes no further,” Pershing said, looking directly at him.
“Roger that,” he responded.
“I was curious about why they agreed to two of their best operatives contracting with the bureau. Turns out the DOJ approached them about a possible mole too.”
Tank’s eyes widened.
“Yeah, about that, they didn’t exactly apologize for not reading us both in on that or the real reason you were contracted.” Pershing lowered his hand and gripped mine under the table.
I suddenly remembered where I’d heard the woman’s name before. “Is Merrigan the woman you were with in the press conference about the serial killer?”
His head cocked. “Uh, yeah. How?—”
“Mad hacker skills.”
Diesel chuckled. “I won’t dispute your mad skills, but the video’s online for all to see.”
“I may have watched it more than once,” I admitted, quietly enough I hoped only Pershing heard me.
He leaned closer. “Yeah? Well, I’ll confess I printed one of the photos from the surveillance stills and carry it in my wallet.”
My cheeks flushed, and I couldn’t contain my smile. “You did?”
He nodded.
“Anybody else feel like we should leave these two alone?” Diesel joked.
“They’ll have to leave. I’m still hungry,” said Tank, getting up to dish another helping.
I stood and joined him.
“How’re you holding up, Cheshire?” he asked.
“Good minutes, bad minutes, ya know?” I admitted.
“I’m proud of you, Alice. The way you’ve handled yourself through everything. You’re badass with a capital B.”
My cheeks flushed for the second time. “Thank you.” Outside of my immediate family and Tex, I couldn’t remember a single time anyone had told me they were proud of me. Who else would’ve? I’d never let anyone get close enough to even know what I did.
A half hour later, Diesel and Bryar said they were heading out.
“Hey, wait. What’s your big news?” Pershing asked.
Bryar looked up at Diesel. “Go ahead,” she said, winking.
“Our little family is about to add another member,” he said, resting his hand on Bryar’s stomach. I couldn’t help but envy the love I witnessed between them. I’d never considered I’d meet someone I wanted to build a life with. Again, how could I since I rarely ventured out of my apartment?
It made me think about the dating app Sarah had insisted I join. What had that been about? From what I’d been able to find, it seemed that was how she either met Bobby Kane or communicated with him. Was it another breadcrumb she’d left for me?
Once everyone was gone, I’d take another look at it, and maybe something new would jump out at me. On the other hand, I was dead tired. While I’d slept last night and more this morning, I was running on days of insufficient rest. Plus, the carb-loaded big meal made me drowsy. So, where would I sleep? With Pershing again? The place was big enough to have more than one bedroom, maybe even several, judging by the size of it. He’d said there were bedrooms downstairs, but those were being used for storage. I hadn’t been upstairs yet, but there were probably more on that level.
I also needed the rest of my stuff and to get out of the clothes I’d been wearing for hours straight.
“Good night,” I said, raising a hand when Tank followed Diesel and Bryar out.
Pershing gathered me in his arms. “You are deep in thought. Anything you want to talk about?”
“Where I’m sleeping,” I blurted.
He smiled. “That’s up to you.”
“It is?”
He tightened his hold on me, bringing my body flush with his. “I want you, Alice. I have since the first time I met you, even with the gun you had trained on me.”
I smiled too.
“But I’m not going to rush things between us. You know how I feel, so what happens next is your decision.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for, uh, sex, if that’s what you mean.”
He leaned forward and kissed me. “There are a lot of steps between there and where we are now. We can take them at whatever pace you want to. And, for the record, I’m not insinuating you’ll want to have sex with me.”
“You aren’t?” I gasped.
“Are you ?” He lowered his hand to my bottom and pressed himself against me.
“Hell, yeah. Just maybe not tonight.”
“So the next question is, are you ready to share sheets again tonight?”
I was so far out of my element that I wasn’t sure what to say. All I knew was I had no interest in some flirty back and forth between us. He said he wanted me, and I wanted him. While the timing might not be ideal, I didn’t want to prevaricate. “I am. I want to sleep with you, Pershing. I mean that literally not, uh, metaphorically.”
I hated that I was stammering, but the truth was, I had no experience with this kind of thing. None whatsoever. I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to have sex with him; I just hadn’t ever. Even the way we’d kissed was purely instinctual on my part. There was no denying the attraction I felt, especially with his hardness when he pressed himself between my legs.
“I can see the wheels spinning in that beautiful head of yours.”
“Beautiful?”
“You heard me, and you are. Come on. Let’s go to bed. We’ll talk more there.”
“I, um, need a shower. Are my things here?”
“They are. I’ll bring them upstairs. Just give me a minute.”
“I can help.”
Pershing raised a brow but winked. “Trying to be chivalrous here, Alice.”
I snuggled closer to him. “Your photo is in the dictionary next to the word Pershing.”
“Have you thought of something else to call me?”
I shook my head. “I want it to be something no one else does.”
“It’s how my mom refers to me. Actually, she uses Persh.”
“Then, maybe I’ll call you Shing.”
He shook his head. “No.”
“So, do you at least need help finding what I need?”
“Nope, it’s all clearly labeled and categorized. If you want to look at the list and let me know which boxes, I’ll bring them up.”
My chin dropped. “Are you serious right now, or are you joking?”
“Totally serious.” He handed me his cell phone, and sure enough, there was a list on the screen.
“Box number three and the larger suitcase,” I said, still stunned over what I was looking at.
“Be right back.”
I went into the bathroom that was off the bedroom and got an idea. He probably expected me to wait until he returned to get in the shower. Instead, I’d show him something that would make his jaw drop.
While I waited for Pershing to bring up the things I’d asked for, I decided against taking a shower and filled the enormous soaking tub instead.
Remembering I’d seen candles in the dining room, I rushed out to grab them, then arranged them on the counters and the bath. Once lit, they cast a soft glow around the space, creating the exact ethereal mood I wanted.
When I heard Pershing in the outer room, I quickly removed my clothes, tested the temperature with my toe, then climbed in the water, sighing as the heat enveloped me.
My muscles, always tense but more so after the last few days, began to unwind. I shut my eyes and took several cleansing breaths.
“Alice?” I heard Pershing say from the bedroom.
“You can come in.”
The door opened, and I heard his sharp intake of breath.
“Will you join me?” I blurted the words in a less sexy way than I had in my head, but if I’d waited even a couple of seconds, I might’ve talked myself out of saying them at all.
He walked over to the tub and ran his gaze over the length of my body.
“Please?” I added. “I’m not ready for everything, but I want this. I want to be close to you.”
His pupils dilated with desire, but he moved slowly, deliberately, maybe even giving me time to change my mind. I wouldn’t, though.
I watched as he unbuttoned his shirt, revealing the kind of muscle tone that came from the physical demands of his job rather than a gym. When his hands moved to his belt, I averted my eyes, suddenly shy despite my boldness in inviting him.
The water shifted as he stepped in behind me, drawing me back against his chest. His skin was cool against mine, but it was his gentleness that made me tremble. One hand traced patterns on my shoulder while the other settled at my waist, anchoring me.
“Talk to me,” he murmured against my hair. “What are you thinking?”
“That I’ve never done this before.” I swallowed hard. “Any of it.”
He kissed the side of my neck. “This is all new?”
“I, um, told you I rarely left my apartment.” The stammer that was a byproduct of years spent using my fingers to send messages rather than my mouth to speak was back, and I hated it.
“As I said earlier, we’ll go at whatever pace you need to. There’s no reason for us to rush.”
The magnitude of trust I already felt for this man overwhelmed me. Here I was, literally naked and vulnerable, yet I’d never felt safer. “It’s not just about physical intimacy,” I admitted. “I don’t know how to do any of this. Relationships, letting someone in, being normal.”
“Normal’s overrated.” His voice was soft and sexy as he continued trailing his lips across my shoulders. “And, Alice, you’re extraordinary exactly as you are.”
I shuddered, wishing I was ready for more, wanting him to touch my breasts, slide his hand between my legs, and touch me in a way no one else ever had. But I couldn’t. Not yet.
Pershing moved both hands to my shoulders, slowly working the tension from my tight muscles. “Relax, Alice,” he whispered. “I’ve got you, remember?”
Emboldened by my desire, I took one of his hands and brought it to my chest.
“They’re small,” I said when he cupped it.
“They’re perfect.” I writhed as he toyed with my nipple, making noises I had no control over. At first, I was mortified, but when I felt his hardness get bigger and pulse against my bottom, I let myself go, giving in to the pleasure he so willingly lavished on me.
“Alice?” he whispered.
“Yes, Pershing?”
“Tell me what experience you have with sex.”
“I already did. You asked if this was all new. It is.”
“Have you dated?”
I shook my head. “My sister got me to join one of those apps, but apart from hacking into her account, I never even looked at it.”
The candlelight flickered, creating moving shadows that danced across the walls and on the water.
“Wait.” I sat up straighter. “The app. I think I know what I missed.”
Pershing’s hands stilled. “What do you mean?”
“Sarah knew I wouldn’t use it. At least not to find hookups. I mean, you know, date.”
“Okay, so…”
“The app’s architecture is perfect for hiding encoded messages. Nobody would look twice at random chat logs.”
“Can you access it?”
I glanced over my shoulder at him. “Seriously?”
He chuckled. “Sorry. I forgot I was dealing with an alpha hacker.”
I started to stand, then remembered I was naked and sank back down, blushing from head to toe.
Pershing put his arm around my waist like he had when he got in the tub. “Let’s finish our bath first. The investigation can wait a few more minutes. Rest against me again.”
When I did, he reached for a bottle of shampoo and washed my hair. Given how long it was, that was no easy task. Except the way he took his time, massaged my scalp, and gently ran his fingers through the tangles felt intimate, perhaps more so than the kisses we’d shared.
“Your turn,” he said, handing me the shampoo after he’d rinsed the soap from my hair.
“I, uh…”
He lifted me from the water like I weighed nothing. “Turn around and face me.”
I draped my hair over my shoulders, covering as much of my body as I could with its length.
He took my wrists and moved my arms to my sides, then knelt up and parted the long, wet strands. “Don’t hide from me, Alice. I want to look at you. I’ll only touch what you allow, but seeing you this way, naked, God, I can’t even tell you what it does to me.”
I looked down at his erection and smirked.
“Yes, that, but more.” He slid his arms around my waist. “Kneel like I am.”
When I did, he brought our bodies closer.
“Your skin against mine feels…I don’t think there’s even a word to describe it.”
“ ānanda ,” I murmured. “It means a state of absolute bliss. Something I’ve never felt before.”
Pershing leaned forward and kissed me, then stood, pulling me up with him. He reached behind him, grabbed a towel, then wrapped me in its warmth.
“Go get dressed, and I’ll join you in a minute.”
“Did I, err, do something wrong?”
He brushed my lips with his. “You did everything right, Alice.”
“But…”
“I’m slowing things down because it’s what we both need right now.”
He was right. I was the one who’d said I wasn’t ready for sex. If we’d continued as we had been, I probably would’ve instigated more.
I stepped out of the tub, dried off more, then padded into the bedroom, smiling when I saw he’d brought up more than my clothes. He’d also gotten my crystals, candles, sage, and zafu cushion. As if I wasn’t already falling in love with this man.