29. Will
CHAPTER 29
WILL
“HIGH ROAD” – KOE WETZEL & JESSIE MURPH
T hat did not go well. The knowledge of it is slinking its way through my body like venom, easing into every pore, vein, and muscle. Guilt is rioting in my stomach, and yet my mind is protesting that I did nothing wrong.
“Sorry about that, I just, I didn’t want her to get the wrong impression about...well, you know, about us,” I say, stumbling over my words to Bri while sinking back down into my side of the booth.
Bri and I had agreed to meet for lunch today. I’ve wanted to catch her up on how things have been going with Cam since seeing Bri at the cemetery. Cam had mentioned this place was close to base, and it seemed like the perfect spot to meet since it’s halfway between there and Bri’s office.
“It’s okay, Will. How’d it go out there?” she asks, looking concerned but also not having a problem scarfing down her burger.
“It didn’t. She just told me to have a nice day and said it’s fine.”
“Like a real fine or a disgruntled girlfriend fine ?” Bri inquires while dipping a fry in an alarming amount of ketchup.
“Pretty sure she’s pissed. It looked like she was crying.”
“Look, Will, what’s the matter with you?” Bri’s face makes it evident that she’s a bit annoyed and disappointed with me.
“What’s wrong with me? I didn’t do anything wrong,” I snap back, aggressively shoving fries in my mouth.
“Ohhh okay, this is what we’re doing? Fill your mouth with fries so you can avoid talking. Tell me one thing...how did you find out about this place?”
“Cam told me about it and how much she wanted to try it.” It doesn’t matter how I discovered it. I’m still unsure of what Bri’s getting at.
“Hoo-boy...Did you tell her we were meeting for lunch or did you forget to mention it?”
“No, I don’t need to ask permission to see my friends, Bri. This is exactly what Tina said for me to do. She told me not to let myself drown in something new.” I huff out a deep breath. I’m trying to do the right thing, follow the steps, face the fear.
“Right, you shouldn’t, but as an outsider to this situation, it looks like you kept our meeting a secret and took me to a place you knew she desperately wanted to go.”
“It’s not like she has a lock on good restaurants. I’m allowed to go wherever the hell I want to go for lunch.” Now I’m getting mad, this is not my fault. I don’t think I did anything wrong yet this burger is going down about as good as a brick of chalk.
“Will, let me ask you something. When’s the last time you talked to her?”
“This morning. I sent her flowers and she asked me to lunch. I told her I was busy and couldn’t—ohhh shit.”
“Yep...there it is.” She points at my face as if she can see the realization blooming in my cheeks. “Now you’re getting it. She wants to meet you for lunch, but you tell her you can’t because you’re busy. That’s fine, so she takes herself to lunch at a cool place she wants to try and then to her surprise you show up, hug another woman, whom you probably appear comfortable with, and you can’t figure out how this went wrong.”
“Yeah, I fucked up. But so did she. If she had just let me explain who you are, she would’ve understood.” Scrubbing my hand down my face, I plead my case.
“Will, seriously? Come on. You’ve hurt her before and for all intents and purposes you lied to her today,” Bri admonishes me, an accusatory finger pointing at my chest.
“Shit. What do I do, Bri? You have to help me here.”
“Do you love her?” she asks, raising her brows in consternation.
“Yeah. Unequivocally.”
“Then you do whatever it takes. After work, go talk to her. Make her let you explain, and for fuck’s sake, don’t lie to her about seeing me ever again,” she huffs.
“I’m sorry I put you in the middle of this. I ruined our lunch and messed everything up. I wanted to meet up with you to fill you in on how things are going with Cam, but also to tell you we’re leaving soon. I know it’s not the same for you, but I wanted you to know. In case...well, I thought in case Cam needs you while I’m gone.”
Bri swallows hard then places her hand on mine gently. “Will, thanks for telling me. You know I’ll support her and I’ll be praying for your safety. You may want to fix this, though, so she actually takes my help.”
There’s my girl, Bri.
“Very funny. I’m gonna try, promise.”
Bri and I finish eating and catching up. She’s the best kind of friend. Calls me out on my crap and supports all of us even though she lost her soulmate. I love her, in a friendly way, which is exactly why I need to fix this mess with Cam. I know she will love her too.
I feel shitty about what happened. Hurting Cam was unintentional, it never crossed my mind that she would find out or that I was even keeping something from her. I’ve been doing my own thing for so long that running a lunch date by her or even just telling her for the sake of awareness wasn’t a thought. I sent the flowers and haven’t been able to think of much else besides Cam for weeks. Apparently, my feelings for her are not obvious, though, and I’m running out of time to make things right before I leave.
My stomach is flipping and flopping in the worst way. It has been since I ate that burger for lunch. Well, and potentially ruined the best thing to ever happen in my life. It would be easy to blame Patty of Patty’s Patties, but I doubt the greasy burger is the cause of my current state. No, that would be my own idiocy in not being transparent with my girl. This is what I was afraid of, that I would make one mistake and she would run. The people I love always leave.
I didn’t think about how having lunch with Bri would look from anyone else’s perspective but my own, and that’s on me. I simply wanted to meet a friend, so I made plans, and when Cam asked, I said I was busy. I wasn’t trying to lie or avoid the truth—truly, it didn’t cross my mind. I don’t know if being a dumbass man is an excuse, but it’s what I have to go with.
Full disclosure, I have no clue what I’m going to do if she won’t forgive me. I’m essentially a ship floating aimlessly at sea right now. A ghost ship with no captain, abandoned to ebb and flow with the changes of the tide. I have to fight for her, I can’t lose her and myself with a mission approaching. Actually, to hell with the mission—I can’t lose her period.
Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I knock on the door. Three slow but sure taps that announce my arrival. Still deep breathing through my nose, I’m almost startled when the door swings ajar. My eyes fly open and I huff out, “Cam, I’m so sorry.”
“Slow down, cowboy. Cam isn’t talking to you,” Lo spits out, frosty disdain dripping off her tongue.
“Lo, please let me in. I need to explain. It’s not what Cam or you think. I swear,” I plead with my hands up in full submission.
“Yeah...hmm. Let me get this straight. She caught you on a date with a gorgeous woman—I mean, seriously a model—and it’s not what we think?”
“Bri’s not a model. Although, I can see why Cam would say that.” My lips quirk into a grin absentmindedly. Thatch would’ve loved hearing that his wife was model material.
“Not helping your case, Davenport.” Lo rolls her eyes and starts closing the door in my face.
“No! Stop. I didn’t mean...Bri is Thatch’s widow. Yeah, she’s pretty, but she is practically my sister. Please let me explain it to her, Lo.”
“Wait, Thatch’s widow, like the Thatch?”
“Yeah.” I sigh and drag my hand through my hair. My curls were already sticking up like crazy from all the times I’ve worried my hand through them today. This isn’t helping, but I’m losing my patience.
“Rambo? You can come in,” Cam hollers from somewhere inside the apartment.
Lo rolls her eyes again but steps aside, allowing me to enter. My eyes track over the disheveled mess. A bottle of wine, a pint of Chunky Monkey that’s half eaten and been left to melt, and a bag of Doritos litter the counter. Cam is nowhere in sight, so I head to her room, slipping inside and closing the door quietly.
“Uh, Wright . . . you in here?”
“Yeah. Say what you need to say.” The lump of a comforter gives a muffled reply. The thought of Cam holed up and hiding under there makes me smile. Just a little.
“I didn’t come here to talk to your comforter.”
“Well, I guess don’t talk then, just get the fuck out.” Another muffled and surprisingly fiery response.
I ease my way down to the edge of the bed, slowly peeling back the covers. The image unfolding shatters my heart into a million pieces. A mess of blonde hair, black streaks on the pillows, and a tear-stained Cam wrapped up in one of my military-issued PT shirts that I didn’t even know she had.
“Hey, where’d you get this?” I ask while sliding my hand gently up and down her back.
“I stole it. Not that it matters now. I’m sure Miss Model McModelson has one of her own,” she says faintly.
“Th-That was Bri. Thatch’s Bri.”
“What? Why? How?” She shoots straight up into a sitting position, confusion etched on her face.
“Well I...I saw her a little while back at his grave site. I told her about you. She told me not to contact her until I got the girl, and...well...I feel like you’re my girl. I wanted to see her because she’s a good friend who has been through a lot, but also because I wanted to ask her to look out for you and be a friend to you when I leave.”
“Ugh! Rambo, you big dummy. Why didn’t you just tell me? I mean, when I saw you...I thought...well, you know,” she says on a sob.
“Babe, I tried. Please don’t cry...You wouldn’t let me explain.” I gently wipe tears off her cheeks, each one a tiny shard of glass cutting me in pieces. I hate it when anyone cries, but Cam crying is another level of gut-wrenching. I’m well and truly fucked.
“No, Will. Why didn’t you tell me when I asked you to lunch?” She’s positioning me uncomfortably in the hot seat.
I rub my hand through my hair again before saying, “Honestly, it didn’t cross my mind to explain. You asked and I was busy, and I just...it didn’t dawn on me to tell you. I wasn’t trying to hide it, I’m just a dumbass.”
“I don’t mind that you see Bri,” she admonishes. “I think it’s good she still has you. I mean, she’s been through so much. But I need to know what this is. I’ve been thinking all afternoon how we never said we were exclusive, and you know, I just feel stupid.”
“Wright. We. Are. Exclusive,” I say while peppering her tear-soaked face with kisses.
“We are?” She looks at me with those big aquamarine eyes.
I cannot tell her I’m in love with her. And I am, absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, but it’s too soon. I refuse to force my feelings on her if she isn’t there yet, and knowing her, she would feel obligated to reciprocate. I’m treading on delicate ground here. I have to keep my words in check while still making sure she knows I’m in this, for real.
“I know we said we’re just seeing where this goes, but I’m falling for you. I told you I’m all in. You’re my girl and I don’t intend to share you with anyone else, so yeah, we are—you’re mine...I hope.”
“I’m falling for you too. I mean, I fought it really hard. But I can’t help it anymore, you’re mine too. I think you always have been. You have to be honest with me though. No more unintentionally secret lunch rendezvous. Trusting you is really hard. I’m terrified I’m going to get hurt again.” I can see she’s trying to act serious, but there’s a hint of a smirk playing at the corner of her lips.
“I promise, no more secret lunches where I beg my widow friend to take care of my girlfriend. Scouts honor,” I say holding up my middle finger just to tease her a bit.
“Come here, Rambo. It would be a whole lot easier to hate you if you weren’t so dang attractive and sweet, you know,” she murmurs, pulling me closer and pressing her lips on mine for a deep, sultry kiss.
I reach my hand slowly to her ribs and lightly slide it up, leading her to believe I’m about to cop a feel, but instead I move in for the tickle attack. Cam bolts and wiggles and writhes away, laughing hysterically and swatting me back.
“That was so unfair!” she huffs out while trying to regain composure.
“I mean, you did steal my shirt. Who’s the one really playing dirty here?” I feign innocence.
“Okay, you know what...it smells like you, and all the talk of you leaving...I just, I wanted something of you to keep, Rambo.”
“You can have whatever you want, babe. But I do have a question,” I say while gently sliding two knuckles down her cheek.
“Good! Now, come snuggle me while you ask me whatever it is.”
“Why do you call me Rambo?” I pull her into my side and continue stroking her face.
“Because it’s hilarious.” She snickers to herself. “But actually, I always told myself that you ran off on me to become the next Rambo. When I saw you again, the name just reminded me to hate you.”
“And now?” Acid creeps up my throat at the thought of her hating me.
“Now...well, it’s just kinda funny and cute, I think. Like you calling me Wright. It drove me nuts at first, but now, it feels good. Like a warm and inviting but funny hug.”
“I guess that makes sense. Hearing you call me Rambo made me crazy at first, but now, it sorta makes me feel like a badass.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t let it go to your head.” She swats at my arm while desperately trying to hold in a laugh.“Are you staying to hang out?”
“I didn’t bring an overnight bag, but I’ll stay right here as long as you’ll have me.” I snuggle in deep with her as she clicks on the TV, firing up Netflix and scanning to find something to watch.
I’m only half paying attention to the British baking show she selected. I can’t help but feel perfectly content wrapped up with her in her bed. The smell of her sweet shampoo and the feel of her soft skin. I’m going to miss her beyond words when we ship out.
It’s not just having someone to do the physical stuff with, or even just having a friend to talk to. It’s being with her that makes me whole. She can look at me and see the innermost depths of my soul without me ever having to say a word. She knows the things I wish no one did, without ever having to discuss them.
I could tell when we talked about my job that she wasn’t scared only for me but for us both, because we’re knitted together. On paper we don’t make a lot of sense. We’re the patchwork squares that seemingly don’t fit but when bound together make the most beautiful quilt.
She’s a gorgeous, independent feminist who wants to work for everything she has. She’s the light in the darkest room, the one who can make anyone anywhere feel like they are the single most important person in the world. I’m a grumpy, war-torn, scared-to-death man. Somehow, someway, we found each other against all odds, and I’m never letting go.