C H A P T E R 46
MY CONSTELLATION
Puppet
Play - ‘Out of the picture pt.1 - Kilu’
S he's been in and out all day lugging god knows what back and forth, I have no idea what she's doing. I felt I needed space after the last few days. She violated me in the best way and I'm still beating myself up over it yet again, giving into my weird compulsion to fall into her arms like a helpless princess. Even after everything, I find myself aching for all of her sick and twisted desires just to please her. It pleases me, but sex is not the answer. I know I shouldn't be but I'm hurting and I don't know why. I'm sure this is a silly little crush that will go away but my heart is aching. I just want her to see what I see in her and she refuses to. Refuses to let me see that vulnerable side of her but I see it anyway, it's just who I am. I can't ignore these feelings and no amount of writing or keeping out of her way is helping.
I'm stuck in the same house as her. I can't exactly avoid her forever and deep down I don't want to. I want a hug. I want her to hold me in her arms and tell me all the things I want to hear and I know it's unrealistic. She said it herself. She would never Love me back and I think I'm finally going through my first heartbreak. A heartbreak that was not even intentional or planned. But I guess that's what heartbreak is, no one prepares for that. She is trying to teach me that love is pain but she's wrong. It can be beautiful if you plant it in the right soil, this soil is just dry and has been left to wither away. I can't even get my words out, I've been trying to write for the last three hours and I want to throw the book, thinking of all the vile ways I want her to sin on my body just to feel close to her. She doesn’t love, she shatters. She’s shattered my perception on life. She’s shattered the girl I once was and this new version of me now glues to excitement like I might die tomorrow.
A knock brings me out of my head, glaring at the door as she pushes it open and she's in fairly clean and presentable attire, that's unlike her ? But I'm gawking like a schoolgirl. I will never not drool at her in a black shirt.
“What's the occasion?” There is sorrow in her attempted smile.
“I want to show you something. Get dressed.” She leans her head on the frame of the door, running her fingers against the wood as she twitches the corner of her mouth before walking towards the living room and I swallow my feelings, trying to ignore this physical tension in my chest every time I look at her.
I slip into a turtleneck and my black frilly skirt, sliding on my knee highs as I tiptoe out the bedroom. The front door is wide open like it's calling to me and she's not in the house so I make my way outside the building, following Shep who rubs his wet snout against my bare leg as we wander out the front door where a metal guard dog signs hangs from a rusty nail. ‘BEWARE’ in bold letters causes me to look at the fluff ball and grin comically. I could never see Shep being scary, he's only ever shown me devoted love. I exit the door as the outside chill hits my skin and it feels so foreign. It's dusk and the sun is cracking across the horizon, lighting up my face with a fading warmth as it sets behind the tree. I turn to see her waiting for me on the bonnet of the rust bucket sat in the front yard, a cigarette hanging out her mouth as she hops off it towards me and my body stiffens, swallowing my want to run into her arms.She smiles softly at me and my insides knot, walking around me as she closes in behind, making me hitch with curiosity, encasing my eyes with fabric restricting my view and tying a knot to keep it tight but I can feel this is not malicious or ill willed.
“Hayden, what the hell are you doing?” She places her hand on my lower back, pushing with delicate force to entice me to move with her.
“Just- trust me.” That's the problem. All I've done is trust her and now I've become unstuck. My feet move, letting her guide me, hoping I don't trip over my feet.
“Is this where you kill me?”
A huff forces through her nose in amusement. “I already did that.”
Her sly mouth really gets under my skin in the best way. We walk for what feels like maybe 20ft until she draws me to a halt and I can feel her against the back of my neck.
“Are your eyes closed?” I squeeze them shut along with my palms. I'm not scared, just beaming with anticipation as I nod, giving her the ok to remove my blindfold as she tugs the knot letting it loosen, pulling it away from my face. “ Open .”
I squint with one eye first, but my jaw falls low as I finally focus on my surroundings. Her trailer sits amongst tall grass with a small gravel path leading up to the little steps, smothered in fairy lights looping the roof extending off into the bushes. A small bench sits in front of the window with snacks and beers. She finally finished it.
“Oh my god- Hayden this is beautiful.” I admire the new coat of cream paint, glowing a warm pink against the sunset with stars scattering the wires and everything in me lights up, even underneath that hard shell I can see exactly what she’s thinking about right now. “She would have loved it.”
I glance over at her sitting on the table of the bench with one leg up on the seat and she stares intently at me, relighting her dead cigarette.
“Yeah…She would have.” I stand awkwardly, waiting for her to say something but we mellow in the silence I think she needs right now. You could cut the tension with your teeth.
….
“Today is her birthday.” My heart stops, swallowing my guilt for feeling so entitled to my feelings right now. She glares up at the empty sky and I wonder if she still talks to her when I'm not around. Hears her in the calmness of the gentle wind.
“Well, this is a pretty epic birthday present.” All of this for someone who is no longer with us. Her bond is indescribable. She is capable of love, it’s written in her actions and devotion to the woman who never stopped loving her. The only woman who never gave up on her, even till her very last breath. Me and my mom had a great relationship but I guess we never had that bond through pain to connect us. A bond I now understand. It’s unlike anything I've ever felt, this overwhelming connection that pulls your souls closer together.
She continues her silence, popping the cap off a beer before handing it to me, saying thank you through a smile.
“Which one is my panel?” She points to the panel by the door and I smirk gently. Being part of this project makes my chest throb. It has nothing to do with me yet a piece of me still resides here in her hard work. “So. Are you going to give me a tour?”
She finishes the last draw, crushing the cigarette in the palm of her hands and I shouldn't have found that as attractive as I did. She has absolutely no fear of pain and I find myself wanting to know why more and more each day.
“Are you going to keep avoiding me?” Fuck, she's noticed . She stands to her feet, creeping towards me and I scrunch my shoulders into my neck. She just consumes my entire being when I'm in her vicinity.
“Hayden… I'm not. I just-” I glare at the floor where her boots fall into frame, too afraid to look back up at her but she tucks her index fingers underneath my chin, guiding me to face My Nightmare.
“You're hurt.” She interrupts me. Her touch has the ability to make my eyes water as she caresses my jaw line delicately.
“Yeah… I guess so…” I feel so silly. She must think I'm absolutely ridiculous falling for her in these circumstances, but it's not exactly like she's pushed this possibility away. We had sex? She's been inside me? I thought that was meant to mean something. I push this to the back of my mind. Now is not the time to be arguing. Today is about her mom.
“Well, think of this as an apology.” I look around at the effort and maybe this isn't just about her mom. She did this to try and remove the awkward tension in the house. To make up for hurting me.
“I’m starting to like apologies…”
??
Play - ‘Star Shopping – Lil Peep’
T he sun had finally set and we sat there for hours bringing up old stories, reminiscing on happy memories, the handful she had anyway. I had a few but we are more alike than we like to admit. I was only allowed one beer this time but I snuck a few sips from hers, playing fetch with Shep to keep him from snoring at our feet in boredom.
She stares at the trailer intensely, lost in thought and I study her thinking face admiring the emptiness she holds in her expression when she’s lost in the clouds. She's a dreamer, but what she dare dream about may terrify me. Her features are softer when she’s not here with me, when she allows herself to breathe and I gawk at her in the gentle glow that cascades the trees above us. In the stillness we don’t get to experience as I study the features I’d never noticed before. Besides the gash in her cheek, there is a gentle nip in her lip, the word above her eyebrow etches into her skin and I can finally read, Exile. Wondering what it means and where it came from. All these questions I’ve still yet to ask.
She stands abruptly, walking towards the trailer and jumps on the arch of the wheel, lifting herself up onto the roof leaving my jaw on the floor. She did that so effortlessly.
“What are you doing up there?!” I face her, scowling up looking over to see Shep scowling right along with me, baffled that she thinks I have the strength to lift myself up there on my own.“Up there! I won't even be able to get on the wheel!”
She doesn’t have to say a word, staring at me with her answer like I can read her thoughts. I get up slowly, shaking my head in disbelief as I make my way to the arch, managing to climb on until my foot slips. I really shouldn't be in socks. I fully prepare to land on my ass until her hand grips my wrist, hoisting my bodyweight up like it's nothing. Her strength makes me ache. And I don't mean my heart.
“Lie with me.” She plants her ass down on the roof, laying back into her hands as she cups the back of her neck, peering up at me with nothing but admiration and the cool breeze taints my flush cheeks, joining as I lay beside her, fighting everything in me not to cuddle up to her as we lay there gazing at the midnight sky as if it’s our last day on earth. Like we are the last one’s left.
…
“I hated astrology.” She confesses dryly and I burst into a snigger at the irony.
“Really? Because you have a funny way of showing it.” Sarcasm splits the air, giggling under my breath.
“She was so obsessed with it, she’d talk my ear off for hours. And now I’d do anything to listen to those mind-numbing conversations again.” My face contorts, finding peace in this happy memory but mourning for the little girl inside her so desperately trying to find peace after all these years.
“Well, I know nothing about astrology. Tell me something.” I wiggle to get comfortable, willing to listen. Open to learn if it means I can listen to her.
“You see where those stars align? The three dots?” She points towards the dust scattering the void above us and I have absolutely no idea where she’s pointing.
“Where? I can’t see?” She shuffles closer and my entire body tightens, pressing her temple against mine to try and line up our sight until I finally see it.
“Oh! I see it, I see it!” There is something so crazy about looking up at an entire universe beyond us. Like we are all imprisoned to endless worlds and possibilities. A grain of sand in the Pacific Ocean.
“That’s Orion's belt.” Her useless but meaningful knowledge makes my heart beat faster and I can feel her lips grazing my cheek innocently as she smiles.
“Do you think aliens exist?” I question her jokingly.
Play - ‘Pretty When You Cry - Lana Del Rey’
“Oh absolutely. I’ve actually been abducted by one. They told me that I had no heart and sent me back down to earth.” A disgusting laugh falls out of my mouth and I hiccup on air as she abruptly puts her lips to mine, dripping with tenderness, melting into her much needed touch. It’s now insufferable to be away from her. These past few days have been nothing short of unbearable and all I’ve wanted is this.
She detaches, licking my taste from her lips and an uninvited throb cripples my flower.
I have no idea what she’s doing but she’s hurting my head with all these emotions we are both clearly feeling. I gaze at her like my own constellation, grazing my thumb against her faded tattoo curving her brow. She flinches slightly, scrunching her forehead as she glares at me like she wants to cut my thumb off.
“Exile. What does it mean?” Her throat bobs, like she's reluctant to tell me but I refuse to let go of her vulnerability I seem to be grasping at right now.
“It’s what I am, Princess.” There is pain etched into her tongue as she speaks down to me.
“I don’t understand?” My tongue finds the roof of my mouth as her rough fingers drape behind the shell of my ear, still trying to accustom to this sweetness slipping through the cracks.
“I’m banished. From this life. From my home. From my heart. I’ve been exiled, or more I’ve exiled myself.” My brows dip, trying to read her face, wondering why on earth she would say something so silly.
“Why?”
“Because I simply do not belong.” I wait for her to laugh but she remains cold in the face. She truly believes that. And I gaze up at her trying to figure out where she is going to go from here if she doesn’t even belong with me.
“So. Where will you go now? Or- we. If you'd have me.” She peers down at me through her hooded brows.
“And how do you suppose I travel around with someone who's supposedly missing?” There are ways around these things, right?
“I'll wear a wig, change my name or something.” I laugh off my delusion, but her facial expression quickly brings it to a halt.
“Are you serious?” Is that so crazy? To want to travel the world and explore? I thought that is what she wanted. Isn't that why she built this?
“Deadly.”
She rubs the bridge of her nose with irritation, pondering on my proposition.“I don't think so, Puppet . That is no life for you.”
My eye's peer to the back of my head as I roll them in irritation. Who is she to dictate my life ?
“And what is exactly? This?” My tone is snappy, trying desperately to understand what more she wants from me if all of this means nothing.
“No. And I've already told you, when I've sorted shit out, I will get out of your hair for good. You'll be free. Living a normal life.” My stomach sinks at the thought. Three months ago I couldn't wait to get out of here, away from her, back to normality, but now I can't think of anything worse. Why would I want to go back to a life with no freedom? This is freedom . I've done more in the last four months with her than I have my entire life. What happened to chasing me to the ends of the earth and haunting my dreams?
“I don't want a normal life anymore.” Normality Frightens me. There is no adventure, no excitement. What is normal anyway? working a 9-5 job with responsibility pouring out your ass?
“Alora … You have a whole life to get back to. You're so smart and you have so much ahead of you, I will not keep you from that.” She is complimenting me, four months ago she wanted me to suffer, to experience all my pain and endure her spiteful nature. But now? Now she’s trying to push me to do something with my life. Something that doesn’t involve her but I can only focus on the negatives right now. I have no life to go back to. Go back to court cases, people calling me names, conspiracies of the girl I once was and where I've been? Being plastered all over the news? I would prefer to stay in the clouds. Here. With her.
“Don't I get a say? You're starting to sound like my parents.” I lift my upper body to meet her in a standoff and the tranquil night has turned into a storm between us.
“I'm just trying to do what is best for you. And it's certainly not me.” Every time she doubts her worth it shatters me just a little more.
“Well, that is for me to decide. Not you .” I push her roughly and although I know I can’t psychically move her, she moves anyway to give me space.
“ Alora . I care about you. I do. But you need to leave it alone.” Is this what dating a fuck boy high school varsity jock is like? Because if so I really didn’t miss out on much, this is exhausting.
“You just, expect me to ignore the fact you made love to me? You took my virginity?” Everything writing her expression is screaming the words I dread to hear.
…
“I shouldn't have done it…” My mouth gapes, feeling physical pain invade my lungs as I suddenly struggle to catch my breath, feeling my heart bleed into my bloodstream.
“Wow… You really are like everyone else.” She can’t even look at me. My fury grows against her fire, smouldering me in agony worse than her wrath. “You told me when I was ready, Hayden. And I was ready. Ready to give myself to you. Was that all just part of your sick, twisted ego? Your quick fix?”
She is holding guilt on the tip of her tongue, eyes filled with absent words her mouth cannot find as she avoids my every emotion.
“You told me I wasn’t an object.” I slide out from underneath her, crawling to try and find my feet as she grabs my waist, pulling me back into her slightly.
“ You’re not.” My death stare meets her, ripping her arm off my body.
“ Then why do I feel like one?…”
“Alo-”