Collateral Damage

C H A P T E R 55

C H A P T E R 55

HOPES AND DREAMS

Puppeteer

Play ‘Bad Luck – Noah Kahan’

A fter cooking my life away for the last two hours I place the plate in front of her and smile ear to ear as her face lights up like the stars. I can't lie, it's been a while since I've done roast chicken and vegetables. She's not even tried it yet but she's drooling over the plate like a dog.

“Holy HELL. This looks amazing!” She wastes no time digging in like she can't shovel it quick enough. I guess food is my love language or as good as it's gonna get anyway but I'll make her any meal she wants if this is her reaction. She’s dripping gravy everywhere like a heathen.

“Oh my god- mouthgasm.” I lean back in the chair and observe her child like nature, watching her enjoy these moments. How happy she is at the smallest things in life, imagining her face if I took her anywhere but here. She's never experienced anything beyond her father’s confinement and I intend to change that.

“If you had five things you wanted to do, what would they be?” She swallows her mouthful of potato, staring at me in a daze and by her expression it's not something even she has thought about in great detail.

“ Er- ”

“Anything.” My thumb wipes the droplet of gravy from her chin, licking it off slowly just to watch her blush.

She plays with her food, tossing it around the plate as she's deep in thought.“Well- I've always wanted to dance in the rain?” She's so simple it pains me.

“And?” She scrunches her forehead at my careless response, rolling her eyes as she thinks a little harder.

“I'd love to go to the beach?” She's never been to the beach?! Jesus Christ, they really did keep her under lock and key. “Or drive a car?”

I smile, beaming with nostalgia and these won't be too difficult to knock off her list. Maybe not professionally but she can't exactly bust up an already butchered truck.

“Think bigger.” A disgusting adorable kitten snarls at me across the table trying to think of something bigger but she can't.

“I- I don't know…” I exhale slowly, saddened to see how deeply her gift has been hidden from the world. Her gift to bring happiness and something special to any room, town or country she steps in. A girl capable of amazing things if she wasn't so sheltered.

…

“Publish a book.” She glares into the abyss, doubt smothering her expression and that is something I unfortunately cannot help her with. Nor can she achieve it if she wants to stay by my side. It's a sliver of regret I can read through anyone. A sudden realisation that her dreams may never be, because she'd rather choose me and I sink in more guilt. She should have her name plastered all over billboards and book covers. Not missing posters and the news.

She gawks at me with absolutely no thought behind her eyes, smiling through a sympathetic grin and it physically hurts when my lips aren't on hers, fixated on the thought of how soft her mouth is against mine.

“Are you ever going to show me your writing? Or am I going to have to read it when you're asleep.” I shouldn't but her pout is so kissable I might just have to.

“If you even try, I'll run away.” Ouch . She's definitely writing about how good I make her feel when I'm between her legs.

“How do you expect to publish a book if you won't even let me read your writing?” I challenge her, mocking her with my eyes but she's persistent.

“It's not happening.” She stabs her potato with malice before taking a ferocious bite. I can never take her seriously, wanting to squeeze her little cheeks.

“ Hayden’s tongue felt so soft against my-” I tease but am swiftly met with remnants of a mangled potato as she throws it at me.

“OH MY GOD NO!” By the redness on her face I am only led to believe I wasn't exactly wrong.

“That was a perfectly good potato you just wasted.” Her dimples suck my annoyance up like a sponge as she giggles like a mischievous toddler. “I'll make you wear it in a minute.” Cooking for her and she's wasting my blood, sweat and tears. How disrespectful.

“How do you know I won't?” She leans back in the chair, staring straight through me as she calms her words.

“ Won't what?”

“Run away. Aren't you afraid I might?” I'm terrified. There is a possibility that tomorrow she may wake up and realise how crazy this is. She might miss normality. I know she said that isn't what she wants but I don't think even she truly knows what she wants right now. I wouldn’t and I certainly never did at her age. If it was up to me, I'd make sure she never shed another tear again but I can never promise that won't happen considering the situation. She deserves to see everything life can offer.

“My luck has run out Puppet . If you do then that only solidifies how delusional I am about you.” Hearing those words leave my mouth is still so unfamiliar to me. This affection. This longing for her to be mine. A strange chapter to this new life we have and I've never felt this happy . It's like I've been reborn. This new beginning with her is teaching me that there is hope and a recipe for redemption if you find the right ingredients. When I look at her I can suddenly see a future that doesn't involve me in a grave. She's teaching me that this sickness can be curable if treated correctly. This talk of Love . It can be gentle and kind. The way my mom would hold my hand on a stormy night. Or give me the last slice of pizza. The small things that begin to shape why they have an embedded place in your heart that now cannot be erased.

“Then I guess we are both delusional…” She whispers to me.

??

Play ‘Time - NF’

I ’ ve managed to get through to some contacts who know their way in and out of the country. It isn't exactly legal but what do I ever do that's legal.

Being in jail had its perks and it's not just me trying to get the hell out of here now. I can't exactly grab her passport and wander through the airport so an off-radar aircraft is the next best option. I know this sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous but she seems to be drawing more of that out of me lately. The lengths I will go to see her smile worries me. Because I may not be there to see those dimples one day. I want her to experience life the way I never could. I owe that to her .

I glare at the computer screen, realising I've abandoned all these cases I was meant to clear and my skin is itching at the thought but I suck it up, trying to remember why.

Because I'm trying to be a better person and if my body could reject it, it would. Because I'm feeling nauseous just thinking about it and it almost does come up when her scream rattles my ears from the bedroom and I'm suddenly ten again. Feeling my heart in my throat as I nearly take doors out on my way to her.

Her night terrors are back. Only this time I can't stand to hear her cry and my blood boils below the surface at the thought of his body against hers. She is usually in a state of paralysis I have to desperately shake her out of and it makes me feel so helpless. Every wrong doing she's encountered is by my hand and sometimes I don't even feel like I deserve to touch her. I know I got there in time but what if I didn't? What if I was too late? What if I had been stubborn and ignored my gut. She'd probably be dead at the bottom of a ditch somewhere and I'd be none the wiser and that thought alone makes me want to die.

“Hey! Baby ! Hey, it's me! I'm here, I'm here baby I'm here!” I withstand her violence as she thrashes against my hold, screeching down my ear in pure fear she has no conscious mind of as of right now. She's still in a dream and sometimes I feel like she'll never wake up.

“ HAYDEN !” She yells my name, even subconsciously her dormant mind searches for me, trying to hold back tears as she weeps in her sleep that makes me grit my teeth.

“Come on baby . Come on. Wake up, I'm right here, you're OK!” She finally surfaces, choking as she sucks in air, grabbing for me, trembling like a frightened lamb as I scoop her up into my hold and fight away all her new nightmares.

“I got you…I got you. Shhhhh…” Even dismembered and burnt to ash his face still haunts me. I dread to imagine how this is affecting her. Death was too kind. I thought slicing him up would have relieved some of my fury but still now I hate that even in death he's still ruining her. Dulling her spark that I refuse to let her let go of.

“In and out with me baby .” I take a deep breath, encouraging her to follow suit and she does with great difficulty, trying to take back control of her body and mind like I've been trying to teach her.

“There we go…” I will sit here all night with her if I have to. I've become my worst nightmare as of lately. I'm coddling her but it's my own way of coping. I just like to know that she's safe and the only way I can guarantee that is if she's here.

In my arms .

“No one's gonna hurt you. No one.” Her stray strands of chocolate stick to her damp cheeks as she searches for my gaze and she eventually gets a hold of her breathing.

“Look at me, look at me Baby . I’m. Right. Here.” I remind her, brushing her face clean of her trauma as I plant gentle kisses against her hot skin tasting her salt on my lips.

I’ve never wanted to protect something so deeply in my life. Like she is the reason I’m alive. My reason to keep going. To scare away all the darkness that wants to harm her.