Collateral Damage

C H A P T E R 61

C H A P T E R 61

REPEATING HISTORY

Puppeteer

Play - ‘Sleepyhead (Acoustic) - Jutes’

I ’ ve not been to sleep. Glaring up at the ceiling as I caress every perfect inch of her in my arms and I’ve never felt so at peace. Taking in this blissful moment knowing it may soon be over. How do I tell her I want to walk away after last night?… Every word she spoke was so full of hope I think it really will break her. I’m all she has left.

I contemplate my decision and even if I wanted to retract it, it’s too late. I’ve put myself out there and now it’s up to my fate. It's down to luck if that boy didn’t pick up that phone and that is if the CCTV didn’t catch me regardless. I knew what I was doing. It was the right thing to do. For once I'm doing the right thing, so why do I feel like I just made the worst mistake of my life?Why do I feel like this betrayal will shatter her until she cannot find any pieces of her inside me. The way I know she will loathe me because I've broken her heart yet again. All I can do is wait and as much as I’m telling myself luck is on my side. It never has been so why would it start now. Realistically we were never going to make it and my heart pinches with that horrific ache I've tried my hardest to run from. That pit of nothingness I’m feeling as I sink under water, gripping her tighter in my arms like she's going to keep me afloat, realising what I've already lost.

The truth is, I never had her in the first place. Our love was a waiting game. A chess board. A means to an end and I glance at everything that she is, everything she will be while I'm behind bars. Knowing she will do something good in the world, maybe she needs to loathe me so she can move on from this. From me.

I run my fingers over her constellation, memorising the little bumps underneath my fingertips, wishing I could forever etch her sense, her smile and her laugh into my skin. I made sure that last night I gave her as much of her as I could give. I held my tongue and promised her forever without words. Now she needs to trust me. Wait for me. I hope she forgives me for this.

I plan on taking myself to the station today but I feel that journey won’t be necessary as my heart stops beating at the unfamiliar noise making itself known from behind the outside wall. So unfamiliar that it's too familiar. No one ever sets foot within a mile radius of this property and suddenly I can’t breathe. I tune into faint doors slamming and gravel shifting underneath heavy boots, holding my lungs as emotions betray me, cutting down the scars in my cheek.

…

My time is up.

I don’t move. I don’t flinch. I lay here, admitting defeat as I look down at her so at peace with the world that's yet again, about to be ripped out from underneath her, I realise this was everything but the wrong decision. I deserve this. Maybe not even for the lives I’ve taken. But for her. I deserve to serve my time for her . For not just destroying her life once, but twice.

I close my eyes, awaiting the inevitable as whispers and shuffling approach the building, grating at my ears and I stroke her loose strands of oily hair, inhaling her sweet scent under my nose as she subconsciously squeezes me tighter and this time I don’t fight it. In fact, I hate myself for not letting her in sooner. So I could remember her touch for the many years to come.

In another life maybe, things would have been so much simpler, but I was an idiot for ever bringing her into any of this. I should have let her go that night. I should have walked away. I should have done better. My jaw clenches, containing this internal rage building inside my chest cavity at all the fucking things I should have done but I didn’t. But you never realise what you have until you lose it. And I've lost it.

I’ve lost it all.

Shep sits up, quietly growling at the commotion outside he can hear just as much as I can.

…

Three hard knocks rattle the front door, echoing through the house like the doubts in my mind

She jumps up abruptly, clinging to me like she's just woken from a bad dream, glaring at me trying to figure out if that knock was in her head, or very much real. But I don’t flinch. I just stare at her trying to push down my urge to let the floodgates open as she looks at me for an answer. Shep begins to bark towards the bedroom door, raising his hackles with his brave face on.

Play - ‘Build A Home - Cinematic Orchestra’

“CHICAGO P.D OPEN UP.”

Her eyes immediately bulge and within seconds she's tearing, like she's hoping she's going to wake up and this is all just a terrible dream, flinching as they bang again, harder, causing her to tug on the duvet.“Hayden, what is going on?”

They don’t infiltrate. And they won’t for a few minutes. The last few minutes I have to try and say goodbye, but I don’t know how. I never have. How do you say goodbye to your entire life? How do you walk away from the thing that keeps you breathing? Not once, but twice?

“Hayden, you need to run. Now!” She forces a whisper as she clings onto my face. And so what if I did run? We wouldn’t both get out, there is nothing we can do. I’d rather go with them than run for the rest of my life without her in it. At least this way I may see her again, behind a glass window.

“No…” I say gently, twitching my lip and my words slice through her, cutting me in the process. She is absolutely terrified and all I can do is say sorry for not doing this sooner. When she hated me, things were simpler. When I was not in Love with her. When she could have walked away and forgotten all about me.

“What do you mean?! Hayden they will take you away!” She looks almost angry as she tugs on my arm, trying to move me but I’ve already decided I'm not going anywhere, breaking my own heart as she tries desperately to save me from myself, not realising that is exactly what I am doing.

“Let me do this, for you. ” Her forehead scrunches, trying to make sense of what seems ridiculous, clawing at my skin to get off the bed.

“Hayden no! No! Don’t say that!” I hate seeing her cry. It crushes any ounce of kindness I have left. It’s the reason we are in this mess. Seeing her cry as I left her to die. It made me realise how frightened she truly was and I saw every bit of myself in her.

“Let me do this. I need to do this. Listen to me.” She refuses, shaking her head as her face becomes wet, clinging to my forearm with desperation. I grab her head as nicely as I can, trying to shake some sense into her. “Listen!...to me.”

She stops thrashing, concentrating on me like she's dying.

“Let me. I’ll serve my time and we will finally be free. Truly free, to live without fear, without hiding. I’ll be able to give you the life you deserve. All I ask is that you wait for me… Can you do that?” Her soft admirable gaze shifts and my heart jams, dreading that her hatred has stemmed too quickly.

“You said to me, that you are only found if you want to be found.” Her realisation seeps into her bloodshot eyes as she analyses the way I react to her words, swallowing slowly with guilt.“Was that what yesterday was? Is that what we were doing? Trying to out yourself?” In the beginning no. But I guess I did exactly that… There was always a possibility we were going to get caught. For a while now I'd thought she’d be better back to normality. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I want to do right by her and I just hope one day she’ll see that.

“No…” I squeeze her harder but her expression doesn’t let up, glaring at me with glossy eyes and a heavy anger burning within her.

“Liar. You’re lying to me!” Her nails dig into my skin but I endure it. Letting her hate me. Letting her feel this, as much as I hate it, it would be easier this way.

“Alora , please understand, I'm doing this for you.” I don’t know what else to say and there is nothing really I can say to change the way she is feeling in this moment, only reassure her.

“You knew. You knew this whole time didn’t you? That's why you made me take my helmet off, isn't it? Why you were acting so strange? Why you made love to me? Made me promise? Let me in?” I answer with a look that I know she understands, rubbing at her wet cheeks with defeat plastered all over my face. A sorry without words as I gently shake my head but she's slipping.

They bang again . More violently, carrying a heavy notion of destruction that sticks to us once they get through that door. She flinches out of her skin, clinging to me tighter trying to understand her own emotions.

“ Hayden please, please don’t do this- you said you’d never leave me again!...”

“ I did say that, didn't I. And it’s because I said that, I'm doing this.” I’m just hoping one day she will understand it, when her head is clearer.

“WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU SIXTY SECONDS TO COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR OR WE ARE COMING IN!” they yell through the door, making her squeeze me desperately, knowing the entire property is most likely surrounded with weapons and armed men. She needs to cooperate with me or this may end in a blood bath.

“I’m so scared, Hayden I'm so scared!...” I pull her into a hug, clutching to her with everything I have left in me, realising she really will be starting all over again. Maybe this was more trauma than it was worth. She doesn’t deserve any of this…

“I’m so sorry…” I whisper down her ear, before pulling her into a kiss I wish would last forever. A kiss I stain her lips with. A kiss I want a permanent reminder of while I wait for her on the other side. While I spend the next chapter of my life in a box until I can see her beautiful little face again. See her dimples again. Hear her angelic laugh again. Until I can have her in my arms again.

She pulls away slowly like she's angry to engage in our last moments and it pains me seeing her resent me.

“ Baby look at me.” She glares down at the floor like she’s embarrassed to weep for a love that was impossible.

“Look. At. Me.” I snatch her chin as I run my fingers through her knotted locks and I’ve never seen her look so fucking broken.“You’re going to be, ok? I promise.” My words seem to snake up her spine as she tries to pull away from me trying to hug her own forearms.

“Don’t! Don’t make promises you can’t keep!” I hate this, I hate this so much. I just want to take her pain away, I want to absorb her suffering until its part of my fucking DNA. I want to hold her so tightly and tell her why she’s the best goddamn thing that has ever happened to me with words but we’ve ran out of time.

“This isn’t about me. It's about you. You’re so fucking strong. God I wish I had the strength you possessed.” She grips at my wrists as I hold her cheeks firmly in my hands, wiping her stray rivers.

“I’m only strong because I have you! How do I stay strong if you’re not here!” The cracking in her tears is only making this harder and this knot in my throat is threatening to suffocate me.

“It has nothing to do with me. This is all you. I am the root of everything that has caused you pain! All the strength you hold. It’s all because you are a survivor!...” I’m looking for even a sliver of hope in her eyes but there is nothing. She’s giving me absolutely nothing but betrayal.

“But I don’t want to be!” Her words shatter the remnants of my fractured heart and I squeeze tighter, like that will mend her back together as I rest my head roughly against hers.

“Then you survive, For me.” She needs to hold on. It’s not over, I’m not worth her life and one day she’ll realise it but she needs to hold on. I know how empty loss can be. I know how much damage it can inflict on an already broken heart, but I refuse to let her walk that path again.

“I can’t lose you again. I won’t!” I’m seething through tears I despise trying to push past my lashline and it stings but she needs to see this. I need to be raw with her so she can understand how truly undeniable my words are. What she means to me. That everything I’m doing right now. I’m doing for her .

“They may never let me out… But If they do. I hope you’ll be waiting for me.” My dam breaks, as our soaked cheeks merge our tears, taking in her stupidly beautiful eyes, even puffy with silly tears meant for me.

“Then never, I'll wait…” She recites my mother’s words and I realise, this is for her, but this is also for my mother and the justice she deserves. I need to pay for her death as well as my Little Innocence and all the pain that came with it.

“You are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever graced my entire existence. I got to be loved by you, shown I’m more than just a monster, shown that love can be beautiful and it’s so fucking beautiful. You brought Hayley back. And I will happily do whatever it takes to give you a better life, do you hear me?”

Silence fills the thick tension weighing us both down as her eyes brighten with that hope I’ve been searching for, never letting it dull before the front door bursts open, making us both flinch as we cling to one another harder, terrified to let go. Has it really already been a minute?

Several heavy boots infiltrate my home, Sheps protest becomes louder at the disruption from behind the bedroom door. I command him to come and sit next to us on the bed as I grab his collar and memories flood my mind. Memories I'd kept bottled up for years. The day they took me I fought like hell, I got a few hefty bruises and the shit kicked out of me. Another thing unethical about people wearing badges. But back then, I didn’t feel I deserved it. I wanted justice, I didn’t feel like I'd done wrong, I wanted my mom. I wanted to grieve in peace. Instead I was dragged to a station and thrown behind bars for the next six years.

Now? Now is different. Now I deserve it and I won’t fight. I won’t falter. I’ll simply Obey.

“Sunflower!...” She whispers through broken cries and I feel all my promises fall out my mouth. Because I can’t do anything. I can’t stop this. I can’t change the outcome. It’s useless now.

“I’m afraid I can’t stop this time baby … Neither of us are in control now.” I whisper into her temple as my tears taint her loose hair framing her face, my hand gripped tightly around the back of her head like I’m never going to let her go.

They approach the bedroom door, busting it open and my heart leaps out my throat, grabbing at her tighter, barely able to hear myself think over Shep’s barking but I run my fingers through his thick coat, saying my goodbye without words. I’m already pushing it.

“I’m going to need you to step away from the girl Miss. Moore!” he orders, as two or three more men enter the room, surrounding us on the edge of the bed.

“You need to let go baby … Let go. You need to hold Shep. Please.” I squeeze her wrists, tugging them as I attempt to pull her off me but she resists, trying to cling to my neck.“ Baby please, let go. He needs you, ok?”

She finally releases, reluctant but forces her hands away slowly as she grabs for his collar but I know she won't be able to hold him for long. She’s glaring at me, as does Shep and I can’t bare to look at either of them, hating that I may never see either of them again, wanting to kiss her again but we both know we can’t and my chest tightens, hearing her say the words I dread to hear one last time.

“I Love You. Hayden .” She whispers quietly, quivering with fear and now I'm the one struggling to let go, as I back up off the bed towards the door, obeying their command. I let them lead me towards the living room with a gun firmly placed against the back of my head and my arms gripping the back of my neck. I still can’t find the words to say it back. Because if I do. It will only be harder for her. So I don’t say anything as I raise my hands, going willingly. At least this way I can vow to say it to her the day I get out . What's a promise if you can’t keep it?

“ Hayden !” The bedroom door locks with Shep inside, whining through the uncomfortable silence lingering inside my prison cell and her feet thud the floor as I hear her run from the bedroom and I squint with fear. She needs to stay there. They are armed. This will have all been for nothing if they open fire!

“Please! Listen to me!” She yells at the swat team, grabbing for me as she walks in front of me. Preventing me from leaving and even the night I infiltrated her home, the night I held her life in my hands, the day she almost got taken from me, I have never seen this level of fear on her face. I’ve never seen anything like it, from anyone.

“ Alora . Let. Go. You need to let me go.” I grab her with malice, trying to force her away but she fights, refusing to move and my heart rate thunders in my chest.

“You need to listen to me! She doesn’t deserve this! You need to hear her out! Please!” She pleads, attempting to push me back but I know what officers are like and she's playing with her life. She should know this. Trying to contain my frustration at her stupidity.“I need her! Please don’t take her away from me!” I scrunch my face in pain as my cheeks become swamped in tears, fearing for her safety.

“Alora, baby. Let me go. Just trust me.” She makes her stand as the palms of her hands grip my waist. She’s willing to risk everything. Shep’s barks get frantic from the distance as he tries his hardest to claw his way through the door.

“You need to move Ma’am or we will not hesitate to shoot.” My blood runs cold, watching her defend me until the very end, like her life is disposable to save my pathetic life and suddenly I don’t see her.

I see my mother . I see her father . I see my past. My biggest mistake. I see all the things I didn’t do. All the things that could have been avoided if I'd of just intervened. I could have saved her life that day but I didn’t. I stood idly by as I watched them take the one good thing I had away from me like it was nothing. Like she was nothing. And I refuse to make that mistake again. After everything, I watch her put her life on the line to keep me and deep down, I envy the fight in her. Fight I wish I had. The same fight my mom had. The fight to defend the one you Love until the very end. I should have died that day but I'm still here.

She ignores them, still pleading my case but we are running out of time and I can see the annoyance on his face as he aims his weapon at her chest. History has a funny way of repeating itself. But it also gives you another chance to do the right thing. To redeem yourself.

To do better.

Well, this is me doing better,

…

This is for you, Mom.

I grab her arm, yanking her beside me as I use my body as a human shield, knowing she would never have moved, so I made that move for her, and I never really knew true pain until this very moment, as I mouth how sorry I am.

Love really does conquer all. And it also kills you. But some people are worth dying for.

I understand it now, as I look at her with nothing but peace.

This is my peace.

…

“I Love You. Alora .”

~BANG~

White nose clasps at my ears as metal penetrates my back, squeezing her tightly with shock before I begin to lose grip. My hearing muffles, listening to only the beating of my shallow heart against the shriek that escapes her mouth, fading fast as I fall into her weak arms that struggle to hold me, both of us collapsing to the floor. Her echoed screams haunt me as her delicate fingers cradle my wounded skin and I hope she haunts me in my after life, so at least I get to see her once more. I let my tears run into the void with a sense of calming relief, drowning out my name on her tongue, hearing my mom in the whispers as my hearing dissipates, calling to me as the stench of gun powder invading my fading senses. Blood. Theres so much blood .

“HAYDEN!!!”

I take in my angel one last time feeling her squeeze my hand.

My light.

My home.

“Please, please don’t leave me! Stay with me! Hayden!”

She’s speaking to me but I can’t hear anything. I can’t make out her words. I can’t feel anything.

“Get her out of here.”

“WHY ISN’T SHE MOVING!”

Numb. I’m so numb.

“Help her! Please! Someone help her!”

I never wanted this, this is not how we were supposed to end. But karma finally caught up to me, I know I deserve it. I deserve this.

I can’t see her anymore. I can’t see anything.

“You’re ok, you’re ok! stay with me Hayden!”

Peace… That’s all I feel as delicate fingers graze the abuse etched into my face.

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH HER! GET OFF ME!”

In this moment, death is my salvation .

She was always going to be my end.

My purpose.

My Freedom.

And my death was merely, Collateral Damage.