Chapter 12
TWELVE
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Mad?”
Madoc smiled to himself. After leaving Valerie’s room, he’d taken Gus into the master bath for a little sunburn treatment and now Gus was seated on the vanity, his face upturned and his eyes closed while Madoc smoothed aloe vera gel over sun-rosy skin. Gus always read Madoc well, however, and had clearly sensed something in his mood.
“Noelene messaged me.” Madoc replied. “Said she’s okay and the child support payment will be on time. That she hasn’t been gambling. And that she’s not coming back.”
Gus’s eyes fluttered open. “I’m glad you heard from her. I know you’ve been worried.”
Nodding, Madoc screwed the top back onto the tube of aloe vera gel. “I was. She’s not sure yet where she’ll end up after this trip, but she promised not to go dark again so we can deal with court dates and stuff.”
He set the tube on the counter. “I told Val about her mom leaving. Not every detail, but enough to understand Noels won’t live upstairs anymore and that I’m revising the custody agreement.”
“How’d she take it?”
“Fine.” Madoc shrugged. “More concerned about how Tarek’s going to feel about it, honestly, which is just pathetic. A part of me hates that my kid doesn’t miss her own mom, but I get why that is.”
Gus took Madoc’s hand in his own and held it. “How do you feel, Madoc?”
Weirdly, Madoc also felt fine. He’d been an unholy mess after Noelene had fled but he’d righted his ship in the weeks following with help from Gus, who’d been there for Madoc in ways he’d never expected.
Who smelled of vanilla and sunshine tonight, mixed with his usual woody, masculine scent. And didn’t hesitate to slip his arms around Madoc when he took Gus’s face between his palms and slotted their lips together.
Madoc stepped closer, belly jumping when Gus opened his mouth and welcomed Madoc in with a low, pleasured noise. He felt each kiss everywhere, like painless fire, and tonight, he wanted to be brave about falling into those good feelings. Heart thumping, Madoc half lifted Gus off the counter, only to quickly set him down again when Gus groaned deep in his chest.
“Fuck,” Madoc muttered. “Did I hurt you? I didn’t?—”
“Will you please shut up about that?” Gus scolded between more nipping kisses. “I’m not made of glass.” He dropped a hand to Madoc’s ass, fondling him through his joggers. “I’ll tell you if I need to slow down as long as you promise to do the same.”
Madoc would have agreed to anything just then because his body was blazing and he needed to chase more kisses, even as Gus gently pushed Madoc backward so he could slide down off the vanity and grab his crutches.
“Come on,” Gus murmured, tipping his head toward the door. “I’m going to make you feel good.”
Oh, how Madoc wanted that. To feel Gus all over. Hear Gus groan and swear and to taste Gus’s skin. But when they walked back into the bedroom, he had the oddest thought that his bed looked enormous, as if the king mattress had suddenly doubled in size. Or maybe it was Madoc himself feeling small and unsure. Like his anxieties around his attraction for this man would rise up and crush him.
As was so often his way, Gus seemed to sense Madoc’s mood. “What are you thinking?”
“That I want more than kissing tonight,” Madoc admitted. “But I’m in so far over my head here, Gus. I feel like a goddamned virgin all over again and I hate it.”
Reaching up, Gus slipped an arm around Madoc’s neck. “Just let yourself feel. You do that, and I promise you’ll know what to do.”
Madoc closed his eyes as Gus stroked his thumb over Madoc’s cheekbone, and neither moved for a few beats. Then Gus kissed Madoc again, and it was as if a piece of Madoc that had been out of line for a long time slid back into place.
He groaned, aware too late that he hadn’t been particularly quiet about it. “Shit, sorry,” he muttered when Gus broke away.
“Love hearing you.” Gus trailed small kisses up Madoc’s cheek. “Like knowing you want me too.”
“I really do.” Madoc forced himself to step back. “Give me a second to shut the door and I’ll show you how much.”
The promise in Gus’s eyes had Madoc practically scrambling, the urge to tackle Gus onto the mattress heating his body. But once the bedroom door was closed and locked, Gus set his crutches aside and grabbed hold of Madoc’s shirt with both hands, tumbling him backward as they kissed through their laughter, limbs tangled together.
Lying beside Gus—feeling so much of him all at once—was incredible. They’d done their share of grinding on the couch but, again, everything felt different tonight. Electric, like a live current was buzzing all around them.
Madoc rubbed his hands over Gus’s shoulders and back, eager to help Gus tug his t-shirt up and over his head. And damn , Gus looked good. Madoc had known his partner was fit under his clothes, of course. Gus needed core and upper body strength to support himself when he wasn’t wearing his prosthesis and boxing was one of his favorite workouts. Gus’s torso was sick though, with chiseled planes of lean muscle and a bona fide six-pack that spoke of more sit-ups than Madoc could ever imagine suffering through.
“Making me feel pretty smug,” Gus teased, pushing Madoc onto his back. “You gonna show me some skin or what?”
“Not sure I want to, now that I know you look like this ,” Madoc snarked, though he was laughing as Gus helped him peel his own t-shirt off.
His chest was broader and fuzzier than Gus’s and his stomach nowhere near as hard, but Gus ran a hand over Madoc’s torso in clear appreciation, his eyes aglow.
“Gorgeous,” he said softly, then stretched himself out over Madoc.
Instantly, Madoc’s brain short-circuited. All that skin. Gus’s fingers sliding around his, raising their joined hands over Madoc’s head. Knees pressing hard into Madoc’s thighs and caging him, taking control so Madoc didn’t have to. Madoc’s cock twitched and he groaned into a deep and dizzying kiss, Gus’s mouth hot against his.
Gus rolled his hips, rubbing his groin into Madoc’s through their clothes, and need rushed through Madoc in huge wave. He thrust up, trying to match Gus’s rhythm, chasing that pressure and aching for more.
“You feel incredible,” he near gasped when they finally came up for air.
“Yeah, I do.”
Madoc would have laughed, sure Gus was giving him shit, but he caught an intensity in Gus’s stare that had his pulse jumping.
“Need this,” Gus said, so quietly Madoc wondered if he’d meant to speak. Madoc didn’t know how to ask though and stayed silent as Gus untangled their fingers, then rolled off Madoc and onto the mattress.
He pulled Madoc close, winding one arm around his shoulders and running his free hand down Madoc’s chest to his abs, fingers brushing the waistband of Madoc’s pants as he caressed Madoc’s stomach. Madoc got his arms around Gus, kissing him hungrily, and his cock jumped when Gus reached under the joggers and slid his hand into Madoc’s shorts. But then Gus shattered the last of Madoc’s sanity by pulling away only to dip his head and wrap his lips around Madoc’s left nipple.
Lust bolted through Madoc so hard he gasped. He’d never felt more erotic as he did just then watching Gus suck and swirl his tongue, each lick seemingly hardwired to Madoc’s cock. Gus was into it too, making the hottest sounds with his eyes closed tight, his groin hard and hot against Madoc’s thigh.
Groaning, Madoc turned more toward Gus, a need to get closer gripping him. Gus responded immediately, almost growling as he kissed his way across Madoc’s chest to the right nipple, and Madoc dropped a trembling hand to shove at his joggers, grateful when Gus quickly got with the program.
Together, they pushed Madoc’s pants and underwear down his thighs, and Madoc hissed as cool air hit his overheated skin. He clutched at Gus, sure he was holding on too tight, but Gus didn’t seem to mind, kissing Madoc with disarming sweetness. He took Madoc in hand again, palming the head of Madoc’s cock and spreading the moisture leaking steadily from the tip around.
A shudder rocked Madoc bodily.
“ Gus .”
“Yes,” Gus whispered. “Let go for me.”
He stroked Madoc with exactly the right amount of pressure to drive Madoc wild. Looked at him like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. Like Madoc was the best thing. And when Gus leaned in and brushed Madoc’s cheek with his lips, the tenderness of the gesture sent Madoc tumbling over the edge.
Pleasure coiled in his belly, tightening almost to the point of pain before it snapped, and Madoc was lost, groaning and shaking as his cock pulsed and Gus worked him through the orgasm, only slowing his strokes when Madoc was boneless.
“Damn,” Madoc muttered. “I didn’t know.”
Gus lips curved in a smile against Madoc’s cheek. “Didn’t know what?”
“How fucking good this could feel.” Madoc leaned back and caught Gus’s gaze. “How good I could feel?—”
With you.
Gus’s eyes flashed with something Madoc didn’t know how to interpret. “What the fuck am I going to do with you, Mad?” he asked with a wonder that made Madoc’s throat tight.
Gus used Madoc’s t-shirt to wipe Madoc down, but Madoc could feel the heat and tension thrumming through him and knew Gus had to be aching to get off. Madoc wanted that too. To get under Gus’s skin and see him out of control.
After pulling his own pants back up, Madoc splayed his hand over Gus’s abs. “Will you show me?” he asked. “Show me what you like?”
“Yes,” Gus said without hesitation. “But I’m telling you right now, I’m going to like anything that you want to do.”
Kissing, they settled onto their sides, and Madoc was aware of the fine tremors running all through Gus’s body. He helped Gus slide his shorts and boxer briefs down over his thighs but went still as he glimpsed Gus’s cock for the first time, erect and red against Gus’s abdomen, the tip shining wet. Madoc couldn’t tear his gaze away. He took Gus in hand, hefting that hot weight with a sigh that matched Gus’s.
“I’m clear, just so you know,” Gus said, sounding wrecked. “I haven’t been with anyone since knowing you.”
“Thank you for saying that.” Madoc kissed him softly. “I want to make you feel good, Gus, the way you did me.”
“You do.” Gus gasped. “You are.”
He inched closer to Madoc, seeming to crave the contact, and hummed happily when Madoc wrapped his free arm around Gus’s shoulders. Then Gus reached down and slid his fingers around Madoc’s, and they groaned together as a drop of pre-cum welled up through Gus’s slit.
“Fuck, that feels good.” Tipping his head back, Gus’s eyes fell mostly closed. “Touch me the way you like to be touched,” he urged, shivering lightly at Madoc’s next upstroke. “Yeah. Just like that. God.”
Satisfaction swelled in Madoc’s chest. He’d done that—reduced the guy people called Super Gus to a sweaty, needy mess. And Madoc loved it. Loved seeing Gus coming undone. Loved that he was getting hard again just watching Gus.
“Mad,” Gus panted. “Gonna come. I?—”
“Show me,” Madoc whispered, his chest squeezing when Gus’s eyes opened wide. “I want to see.”
Gus shot hot and hard over Madoc’s fist, his mouth falling open, and Madoc cradled him close, spellbound by the bliss in Gus’s face. He slowed his strokes over Gus’s cock as the tension in Gus’s limbs faded, and Gus snuggled close, uncaring of the mess between them.
“That was so good, baby,” Gus murmured, his eyes falling closed. “You feel fantastic.”
Yes, Madoc did. He wanted to tease his badass partner for being a world-class cuddler who mumbled sweet nothings while sex drunk. But he couldn’t say a thing past the rocks in his throat.
Madoc had just had some of the greatest sex of his life without taking his clothes all the way off. And it’d happened with a man.
With Gus, whom Madoc would never have guessed capable of such devastating seduction and tenderness. Who’d rewritten Madoc’s world, getting him off harder than anyone in recent memory while making him feel adored and cherished, all at the same time.
Even in his post-orgasm daze, Gus could feel Madoc starting to freak. That was on brand, given the guy had gone from his first same-sex kiss to a mutual jerk off in just over a week. On the plus side, Madoc didn’t seem inclined to pound Gus into sand or kick him out of the apartment, neither of which Gus would have appreciated.
Gently, he stroked his hand up and down Madoc’s back. They’d gotten cleaned up and settled back on the bed, Madoc with his face tucked against Gus’s neck, hiding a little.
“How you doin’, big man?”
Madoc’s mouth curved against Gus’s skin. “Doin’ all right, thanks. Just trying to wrap my head around everything.”
Gus didn’t like the melancholy note he caught in Madoc’s voice. “You want to talk about it? Or would you rather be alone?”
“Talking would be nice.” Madoc sighed. “If you’re sure you’re not too tired.”
Gus would’ve been perfectly content staying in Madoc’s bed for the rest of the night. But he knew very well that his friend wasn’t ready for that kind of intimacy, so they headed out of the bedroom and grabbed beers from the fridge, taking them to the couch as had become their habit.
“I was in high school when I first started noticing guys.” Madoc eyed the bottle in his hand. “I’m attracted to women—that wasn’t a lie. But I never told anyone I sometimes felt … a way around men. Being the het guy always seemed safe.”
Disquiet bubbled in Gus’s gut. “Safe meaning easy?”
“Safe meaning without risk.”
Gus slipped an arm around Madoc’s shoulders. He hated the pain he caught in Madoc’s eyes. Knowing that the hottest sex Gus’d had in a very long time had led Madoc to memories that hurt.
“My parents live in Doe Prairie, a town south of Spokane,” Madoc said. “My father teaches theology at a small Christian college and my mother is a homemaker. They were— are conservative, politically and religiously. Community means everything to them and when I was growing up, the four blocks around our house seemed like the whole world.” He licked his lips.
“I had a good life. We weren’t rich, but I never lacked for things I needed. For a long time, I wanted to be my parents. Find someone like my mother who’d help me make a family and become a professor like my father.”
Gus brushed his knuckles against Madoc’s forearm. He couldn’t imagine the guy beside him leading a bucolic, small town life with a cute nuclear family. The Madoc Walters Gus knew drove a big metal box through some of the worst traffic in the country and practiced emergency medicine like a champ, all while raising an amazing kid largely on his own.
“Can’t say I don’t dig the idea of auditing a class with Professor Sex Bucket Walters,” Gus teased, simply to make Madoc smile. “But what changed your mind?”
“Lots of things,” Madoc replied. “Until the sixth grade, I was homeschooled with a group of neighborhood kids in a co-op but started public school after turning eleven. That was the first time I truly got to spend time around people I hadn’t known my whole life. Started to understand not everyone thought the same way as my folks.” He winced. “Weird huh?”
“I don’t think so. Lots of people grow up the way you did,” Gus reasoned. “Church and community are important to them, and I respect that.”
“I do, too, typically. The trouble is that I started not feeling at home in the church and community. Like I couldn’t talk about things I was thinking or feeling.”
Gus smoothed a curl back from Madoc’s temple. “A thing like that you might be into guys?”
Madoc bowed his head. “It was always quick, a blip that disappeared right away. I knew my friends weren’t feeling those blips, though. And I didn’t dare tell anyone, especially my parents, because even thinking about that kind of life was not something they would’ve tolerated.”
Gus winced at the bitterness in Madoc’s voice.
That kind of life.
“A guy I’d known growing up came out the year before I graduated high school,” Madoc said. “Keith was older and had already left the community to move to Portland. We’d never been close, but I’d known him my whole life. After he told his parents he was gay, they acted like he had died.”
The intensity in Madoc’s gaze raised Gus’s hackles. “I hated the way people talked about Keith. And it scared me thinking my parents would do the same thing to me if they found out the truth about me.”
Grief for the teenager who’d had no one to turn to with all of his complicated feelings rose in Gus’s chest.
“I wish someone had been there for you,” he said. “That you’d been able to count on your family and community.”
Madoc hummed quietly. “Me too. But in a way, people being shitty about Keith gave me a push I didn’t know I’d needed to get out of Doe Prairie. I enrolled in the business program at the University of Tacoma but was more interested in my roommate’s pre-med program. Nagi had his EMT certs and was riding for a private service to make money, and the more we talked about the work he did, the easier it got to imagine doing it myself. I was sure I could, y’know? And I wanted to do it, way more than I wanted to be sitting in finance classes.”
He shrugged. “Maybe there was a piece of me that wanted to get into EMS because it was so far outside of what my parents expected of me. But as soon as I started the cert course, I knew I’d found the right thing for me.
“So, that was it,” Madoc said. “I got my certs then moved to Seattle so I could apply to ride with the fire department and in the process, I met Noelene. My parents hated everything about my decisions. Seattle’s only an hour’s drive from Doe Prairie, you know. But I may as well have moved to a moon colony. They just wanted nothing to do with us.”
“What about Val?” Gus asked, his heart sinking when Madoc shook his head. “Have they ever met her?”
“I tried to set something up, but they never seemed interested. After a while, I gave up and went no contact. A part of me understands why they disapprove. My father is a tenured professor and my mother’s a homemaker, and there I was, working a blue-collar job and married to a woman who makes three times my salary.” Madoc grimaced. “They don’t even know about the divorce or that we moved to Boston. But if they did, it’d just be more of the same in their eyes, because everything I’ve done since leaving Doe Prairie has reduced me incrementally as a man.”
“Hey.” Gus gripped Madoc’s hand tight, his heart squeezing just as hard. “Nothing about you is lesser, Mad. You’re one of the strongest men I know, and if your parents can’t see it, they’re the worst kind of judgmental assholes.”
“Thank you for that,” Madoc said. “It still took me years to unlearn the ideas my parents put in my head. And being attracted to men? God, Gus. I buried that part of myself deepest of all. Got so good at being the straight guy I started believing it. Until you.” His voice cracked and broke Gus’s heart along with it.
“I knew you were different from the first day we met. You weren’t just a blip on the radar and the more time I spent around you, the more I wanted to know you,” Madoc said. “But I wanted you to know me too. The man I always hid because I didn’t feel safe with anyone knowing him.”
Affection and protectiveness swelled in Gus’s chest. “Thank you for trusting me. For letting me get to know the real you.”
Color flooded Madoc’s cheeks. “Not sure I’ll ever be out and proud and wearing a rainbow bracelet like you. But I’d like to be able to tell the world I’m bi without freaking out.”
“You will, when you’re ready,” Gus said, eyes prickling dangerously. “You just told me you’re bi, Madoc, and you don’t look freaked out at all.”
“Shit, you’re right!” The brilliant smile that lit Madoc’s face quickly fell. “I can’t believe I did that,” he said, voice thick with the tears that were gathering in his eyes.
“I can.” Gus wrapped Madoc up in a hug. “You’re so much braver than you give yourself credit for.”