Chapter Thirty-Two
Alaina
T aya left after asking several times if I was sure. She’d gotten me this far, and I knew Sam would be worried about her. I didn’t want to keep her any longer.
I’m sobbing after recounting the events of my time with Colin to the witch doctor, Cadence. Her office held a modern Victorian vibe. Candles decorate each discreet corner and table of the room. Built-in midnight bookshelves line the cylindrical walls, stocked with vintage hardbacks. Above the multi-levels of bookshelves on each floor, the glass windows make up the ceiling to form a dome, of which a glass north star meets in the center. How magical it must be to hear the rain beat against it and watch it run down. I imagine what it’s like to view a starry night from this ceiling or the first snowfall of winter.
A partially hidden spiral staircase can be seen in the corner behind a hefty wooden desk with oils and iridescent crystals splayed about in an intentional fashion. Light reflects and bends, creating a rainbow effect throughout the room. The antique books, candle wax burning, along with essential oils and sage all create a sense of calm even among the most chaotic of discussions.
A soft, black-and-white diamond checkered rug surrounds the aqua seafoam chairs and sofas. At first, the white marble fireplace seems impractical in a room with flammable books but the autonomous sensory meridian response I experience from the crackling has me stand corrected.
Cadence sits with her legs folded on her chair with her hands rested on the armrests. Her open body language as welcoming as the environment she’s created. Her chestnut bob is curled and primmed to frame her heart-shaped face and brighten her jade eyes. Youthful grace describes her physical features and presence. She radiates warmth and safety, even as she’s looking at me with such sympathy and compassion.
Witches who take on the healing trades are generally referred to as witch doctors. Some choose to dabble in the elements, focusing on spiritual and physical health with holistic approaches. Others choose to specialize in the mental health field as therapists. Other terms are healers of the mind or mind healers.
“I heard you say you think you were raped. After going through your story, what comes to mind?”
I think back to the time I initiated sexual activities with him prior. Did I mislead him? Did I maybe give him the green light to think I wanted sex? Is this my fault?
“We’ve had sex before. He might not have meant to.”
She cocks her head to the side, urging me to go on.
“He might’ve confused me, saying no for me reacting to his threat on Taya,” I hypothesize.
“Is that what you believe?”
I shrug.
She narrows her eyes.
Way to be convincing.
“Let’s try a scenario.” Cadence waves her fingers, and a house key appears on the coffee table in front of us. “Pretend in the past, I’ve given you my house key to, water my plants, for instance.”
I raise an eyebrow at her. I’m not sure where she’s going with this.
“Plants are a poor example, but the message will hit all the same. Just go with it.”
“Okay,” I concede.
“One day, when I’m not around, you see my house key. Do you take it?”
“No.”
“You wouldn’t take my key and go into my home? Even though I’ve let you into my home before?”
I shake my head.
“How come?” She tilts her head, quizzing me.
“Because you didn’t say I could. I’d be trespassing.”
With an empathetic look on her face, sitting back in her seat, her hands folded in her lap, she just waits for me to catch on.
When I do, I gasp and more tears flow. A tissue floats toward me, and I grab it from the air. “How could I not know?”
“How could you have known?” Cadence challenges. “While humans have their frontal and temporal lobes, your wolf functions as a human’s amygdala would, detecting danger and key in analyzing as well as our emotions.”
“Your wolf was protecting you by taking over control and had to make your frontal lobe go offline to do so. How could you name something so intense when your ability to do so was not functioning at the time?”
“If that’s the case, then why didn’t my vampire notice?”
She tilts her head side to side, thinking. “That’s a good question. I imagine your vampire hadn’t become self-aware yet. Technically, only you and your wolf experienced your body when it was violated.”
“The doctor said my wolf was dead.”
She waves her hand. “Pfft. Doctors are wrong all the time,” she snorts. “Does your wolf feel dead to you?”
I take inventory of myself. “Parts of us do.”
“Tell me about that part.”
I don’t want to and the perfect opportunity presents itself, so I don’t have to as movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention. A faceless gilded clock sits on her desk. The holograph of a deep wound with one stitch takes up the center of the clock.
“What is that?”
Cadence turns in the same direction I’m looking at. “That’s how we tell time here.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Time heals all, I believe is the saying. The cut you’re seeing is yours.”
Oh. It’s even deeper than I thought.
“As you can see, it’s pretty deep. It may need more time to heal than some wounds, but heal, it will.”
“When?”
“Well, that depends on you and the work you put in here.”
“That doesn’t seem fair that I have to spend time fixing what he broke.” I slouch further into my chair.
“I couldn’t agree more. Which is why time is different here.”
“Different how?”
“Time is slower here. One hour in your world is the equivalent of eight sessions here. You’ve been gone for about two hours, totaling sixteen sessions.”
“So, that’s—”
“Four months.”
“Four months?! Dax is going to kill me.”
He’s probably burned the entire world down by now, searching for me.
I scramble to my feet.
She giggles. “Not to worry. You’ve only been gone two hours in your time. Four months in this room.”
“I’m so confused. I thought I was in Crescent territory.”
“You’re still on Crescent grounds, but this room is spelled to slow time down significantly to allow a speedy recovery. Think of it like another realm the moment you walked through those doors.”
“So, how will I know when I’ve healed?”
She gestures to my wound on the faceless clock. “The wound will be fully stitched and then turn into a scar.”
“Why a scar? I thought I’d be healed?”
“A scar is a form of healing. It’s not always the prettiest, and it’ll always be there, but it won’t bleed anymore.”
I consider her words, and as heavy as they may be, I accept them.
“So, tell me about what it was like when you thought Colin was Taya.”
I should say something such as traumatizing, terrifying or at the very least, I still needed time to process. But it was none of those things, and I don’t want to think about it. “Confusing.”
Cadence is silent, allowing me to continue.
“I was... mad. But I wasn’t afraid. To be honest, that’s what scares me the most.”
“How come?”
I dab the tears pooling in my eyes with the tissue. “Shouldn’t I have been?” I sniffle. “He did rape me.”
Again, she meets my self-judgment with zero signs of agreement or disagreement.
“Tell me more about not being scared of him. What was he like?” She adjusts in her seat again, sitting crisscross in her chair.
“There were times he was kind to me. I guess that’s why it’s so confusing.”
“I see. Can someone not be both nice and a rapist?”
I think about it. “Um... no? Yes? I don’t know.”
“Being nice or mean doesn’t qualify someone as a rapist. Raping someone does.”
More of my tears fall, and I catch them in the tissue. I grip the seat of the chair on either side of me until my knuckles turn white.
Cadence studies me. “I noticed you gripped the seat just now. What’re we bracing ourselves from?”
I exhale and let go of the seat, slumping back in the chair once again, trying to avoid her intelligence by looking the other way.
But she’s right. There is something I’m hiding. I stay silent.
“Was there anything else to make seeing him confusing?”
I chew on the inside of my lip. “This stays in here? You won’t tell Dax?”
“Even Dax doesn’t have access to what we talk about. As long as you’re not planning to hurt yourself or another, it remains in here.”
I pick at my cuticle before taking a deep breath. Finally, I say, “I feel drawn to him.”
Another stitch is sewn onto my wound. I’m not denying my feelings or avoiding them. I was refusing to run from my own truth.
“How so?”
“I think my vampire recognized him as my mate.”
She exhales audibly. Placing a finger on her chin. “That is confusing. But just so I’m understanding, how do you know your vampire recognized him?”
“She said ‘ mate ,’” I mimic the tone.
She parrots my tone, which pitches up. “Mate.”
And for some reason, I snap. “Yes.”
Immediately, I regret my tone. She doesn’t deserve it. There was something triggering about not being heard, even by someone I know I’m safe with.
“Sorry.”
She waves a hand, unbothered. Like she’s seen it all and dealt with worse.
She touches her index finger to her lip. “Tell me if I’m wrong, but that sounds more like a question than a definitive statement.”
Seconds pass as I think back to my vampire’s voice. It’s possible.
“Maybe... but then why do I feel drawn to him?”
“There are many types of bonds. Have you ever heard of a trauma bond?”
I nod. Is that what this is?
“When you first came in here, we talked a lot about you and Dax. What I’ve come to know about you is you’re the kind of person who finds safety in running away. You tried to leave Dax several times from what I remember. You have a habit of leaving before you can get left.”
I’ve never been more exposed.
“And when you can’t run from them, you push them away or act ‘bratty,’ as you called it, to test them to see if they’ll stay.”
She’s cornered me.
“You are so convinced no one could ever love you enough to stay, even someone who is destined by a higher power to love you unconditionally. Someone who can’t hurt you because a bond won’t let them.” She smiles, like she’s cracked the code.
Okay, maybe she has. But it doesn’t explain why I felt drawn to him.
“Where are you going with this, doc?” I finally ask.
What does this have to do with a trauma bond?
“You never truly wanted to leave Dax but always could. Like that time you told me about when you screamed Caleb’s name. What’d he do?”
She knows what happened. I told her this story already. So why make me repeat it? “He was pissed the fuck off and made me pay for it.”
“Right.” She leans forward and beams, like I’ve solved the puzzle. “You tested his patience and found out that, even when you cross the line, even when he’s pissed, he’s not going anywhere. He will always come back for you.” She points at me while she’s talking. “And as soon as he passed your test, and you realized he wasn’t going to abandon you even at your worst, you finally let him in.”
She still hasn’t gotten to the point. “Yes, but—”
“All of that being said, you never wanted to leave Dax. That is a bond you finally chose to stop running from. There’s power and strength in having a choice. Despite what you may think, the only choice you made with Colin was an illusion. You couldn’t truly run from Colin. And when you couldn’t escape, you fawned and adapted to survive.”
What she is saying makes sense. But there was still one thing bugging me, and my vampire is itching for me to bring it up. “He said I was his mate, and that I was with the wrong king.”
“That sounds more like manipulation, don’t you think?” She smirks. “Monsters have to be charming. How else would they continue to prey on others and get away with it?”
Guilt and self-blame roll off of me and another stitch sews up my wound.
How is it that while my metaphorical skin is being sewn shut back together, I feel barer for the world to see now. I pick at my fingers to help me tolerate this vulnerability.
She breaks the silence. “Have you talked to Dax about this?”
I pause my picking, placing my fingers in my lap to look up. “I want to. I don’t know where I could even begin.”
She smiles sweetly. “I can help you with that, if you’d like.”
* * *
Minutes later, a knock rattles the door, and the most serene of all herbs fills the air.
Dax enters and hurries to me, over to what was once a chair I was sitting on, Cadence has since expanded to a couch.
“You okay?” He kisses the top of my forehead before the cushion next to me dips as he sits.
Concern is etched on his face.
“I’m fine.”
He breathes a sigh of relief, then turns to Cadence.
“It’s good to see you again, Dax,” Cadence says.
“Good to see you, too, Cadence.”
“Again?”
“Dax has been my client a time or two,” Cadence explains.
“What?” I turn my attention to the clock and see his wound next to mine, in need of two stitches before being fully healed, compared to my three.
“Don’t look so surprised. Look how good I turned out to be,” Dax jokes.
Cadence and I laugh.
Murderer, torturer, possessive, hides his feelings... Come to think of it, I’m starting to think I should get a new witch doctor.
“Thank you for joining us. Alaina has something she would like to tell you,” Cadence starts.
Dax turns to me with his caramel wonder. I open my mouth to tell him, but I hesitate.
“Don’t worry, Dax signed a consent to check his powers at the door. He won’t use them in here.”
“He did?”
Dax nods.
Suddenly, the load doesn’t feel so heavy to lift off of me. “I heard my wolf.”
Dax’s eyes bug, and that boyish grin returns. “Really?”
I let my wolf surface, enough to allow for my claws to extend briefly before retracting. Dax’s wolf peeks through to see mine. Our wolves setting our sights on each other causes my world to be thrown off its tilt.
Mate. A statement, not a question. My heart soars.
He pulls me into him by the back of my neck, planting a kiss on my lips. Then pressing his forehead against mine.
Both of our wounds receive another stitch.
I breathe him in, smiling to myself, knowing I’m home. Safe. And the part of me that helped me survive lives on. Bittersweet tears fall. Dax moves back, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
“This is great to hear but how did you—? How come you couldn’t sense her before? What happened? When did you hear your wolf?”
“When I saw Colin.”
“When you what ?”
“Not important.”
“Actually, it’s very fucking important. Where is he? Did he touch you?” Dax stands.
His maroon eyes appear, and black veins replace the blueish green ones on his neck.
“Dax . . .” Cadence warns. “It wasn’t him.”
The veins disappear, returning to their normal color, and the maroon lessens to a hue among his caramel ones. Dax sits back down, his wolf simmering underneath.
I reach out to grab hold of his hand.
He doesn’t flinch away from me. He tightens his hold on my hand. And despite the boiling rage within him, his returning grip is gentle.
“Have you two talked to each other about what you experienced when you died?”
We both shake our heads.
“Let’s start there. Who would like to go first?” Cadence looks between the two of us, waiting.
Dax rubs the back of his neck, then stops, clearing his throat. “I can. I didn’t want to say anything. It’s not a big deal or anything. It’s actually pretty simple, really. When I died, there was nothing.”
“Nothing?” I repeat in shock.
“What do you mean by nothing?” Cadence probes.
“I mean, there was no Moon Goddess, no gates, no angels, no judgment. It was like being asleep and not dreaming. You don’t even know you’re asleep until you’re awake.” Dax huffs, and his irritation stems from feeling uncomfortable.
I don’t understand the big deal. There are many theories about what happens to us after we pass, and that’s one of them. Why didn’t he want me to know?
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He bounces his leg, causing the sofa to shake. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Then, why couldn’t you tell me?”
Dax resumes rubbing his neck and head again.
“Alaina, do you mind if I chime in real quick?”
I lean back in my chair, allowing Cadence to take over.
“Dax, I’ve known you long enough to know when you rub your neck like that, you’re trying to self-soothe before having to be vulnerable. I’d like to talk about why and what you’re hiding from.”
My mouth parts. I think back to all the times he’s rubbed his neck and their context, and I look at him. He stops his stemming like a child that is too late and caught, avoiding eye contact with Cadence.
Oh, she’s good.
I stare at him, eager for his explanation.
“You know why.”
“But she clearly doesn’t, and I think it’d be helpful for her to know.”
He sighs. “My father drilled it into me that vulnerabilities are a weakness and to keep them to yourself. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it.”
Cadence and I stay silent.
“There isn’t anything in the afterlife for the Moon Goddess to conjure up after meeting you. There is no resting, and there is no peace if I don’t have you with me.”
I grab his face with both hands and plant the biggest kiss on him.
“I love you. You know that?”
He nods, and I kiss him again. His wound receives its final stitch.
“Alaina, I believe it’s your turn.”
Oh, fuck. I can’t tell him after hearing that. I’ll feel like an asshole.
So, I lie.
“Nothing. Same as him.”
“I don’t think you’re being honest,” Cadence says.
Fucking Cadence and her witch doctor ways.
“It was quick. But I saw my mother. She hugged me and told me it wasn’t my time yet, but that she’s proud of the woman I’ve become.”
“What was it like to hear that your mother is proud of who you are?” Cadence asks.
“Great . . . Confusing but also never clearer . . .”
Dax places his hand on my knee, listening intently.
“I always thought what it would be like when I’d meet her. What she’d look like, what traits did I get from her, learn about myself... But when I saw her, none of that mattered. When she indicated it wasn’t my time, I didn’t fight to stay like I thought I would.”
Cadence tilts her head. “How come?”
“I have a kingdom to protect, a mate who I knew would worry.”
Dax squeezes my knee.
“I have . . .”
I look up at the ceiling, trying not to cry again.
A family to get back to.
Cadence smiles. “Both of you have a wound that’s not yet healed, as each of you have been through a tremendous amount of loss.”
Dax and I smile somberly at each other, exchanging looks of gratitude.
“With trauma can come change and your wolf hijacking your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. But know that the presence of this doesn’t negate your resiliency.”
Huh?
“Let me try explaining it this way. Wolves who experience hardship are similar to bones when they break. Pieces of the bone may break off, but they can heal and find ways to regenerate after a fracture. Even when you’re fully healed and the cast comes off, you still have to learn how to use the muscle again because it’s evolved and learned to function differently now. You’re different now.”
Oh.
“Your wolves may have struggled to recognize each other because like bones regenerate, you’ve acquired a new foreign identity of you to help heal the part of you that was injured. You essentially died as a wolf and woke up with a vampire attached. You smell different, you crave blood now, everything’s changed. It’s like your wolf woke up to a stranger.”
Dax’s grip on my leg tenses. “I know who my mate is.”
Dax is defensive.
“Of course you do. What I’m saying is, you evolved into different versions of yourselves in the absence of the other. Alaina, you’re more wicked than you once were. You said it yourself. And Dax, it’s been a long time since you’ve had a weakness, someone you were scared of losing. Both of which are scary.”
The air thickens with the hard truth.
“So, what do you suggest we do?”
“Give yourselves grace and have patience as you get used to each other’s presence again. While you are fated mates, I think you wolves forget that there is still a choice in the matter. In time, you’ll recognize and choose one another again.”
Hope stemming from us both fills the air, and the wound scars over.
* * *
It took four hours of our normal time until we were able to watch our wounds scar. After they did, we were both ready to leave her office.
I left the counselor’s office, feeling somewhat lighter. Cadence was right. I’ll always know I was raped, and it will always upset me, but it won’t consume me anymore. That would have to be enough if it means moving on.
But I’m still plagued by what I’m keeping from Dax.
The question he asked still blares in my brain. Did he touch you?
If I told him, what would he say? Would he be hesitant to touch me? I hate the idea of him looking at me a certain way. We just went through twenty sessions of therapy. We have a chance to be happy. Truthfully, I don’t think Dax could handle knowing.
I make the decision right then I’m not going to tell him I was raped. No sense in us both being hurt.
Dax is walking beside me back to the castle. We’re silent, walking and taking in the tall trees, when I lose my footing tripping over a rock. I shut my eyes and brace myself for the fall.
Instead, strong arms catch me. I open my eyes, and my wolf surfaces to glimpse at this protective man who was there to make sure no harm came to me. His maroon eyes meet mine, and something locks into place as our wolves connect.
Mate , my wolf and vampire acknowledge him.
It’s then I knew Cadence was wrong about one thing. I didn’t need time. Dax isn’t Colin. And I’m more than ready to jump his bones.
I pull his face to mine and plant my lips onto him. Our lips soft and plump against each other.
He stands me to my feet and threads his hands in my hair, deepening our kiss and greeting me with his tongue.
“Alaina,” he moans between kisses.
In our entanglement, he walks me backward until my back presses up against something rough. His hands move to my breasts, hips, and squeezes my ass.
My eyes shoot open when he snakes his way down the front of my pants and making it past my waistband. I break the kiss, and his hold. Needing space, I distance myself. My back is now to him.
He pants. “What’s wrong?”
Think of something fast.
“Nothing. I want to, believe me. I just need to get checked by a doctor one last time before we do anything.”
Please, just say okay. Don’t ask any more questions.
“Are you hurt?” Dax spins me around to face him, checking me over.
“No, I just want to get checked that’s all.”
Dax relaxes a bit at hearing I’m okay, and I want nothing more than to melt into him just the same.
I push his arms off of me, avoiding his gaze. I pick at my cuticles. He was so hot all over, and I can’t stand to be near him like this. Not yet. Not until I know it’s safe.
“Then, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Alaina, if you don’t want to have sex, that’s fine. But if you’re scared, talk to me. Because the doctor didn’t find anything wrong.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then, why are you pushing me away?”
I don’t know how to respond.
Dax sighs. “If you don’t want to tell me, fine. At least tell me why you need to see the doctor. I’ll get you all the doctors in the world, but I have to know what’s wrong to get you the right one.”
There’s no way out of this. “An OBGYN.”
“Alaina... why do you need an OBGYN?” Dax puts one hand on both of my shoulders.
I fight against his hold so he can’t see me.
Placing one hand under my chin, he forces my gaze toward him.
I’m too late.
His lips part, and his breathing quickens as he reads what I wished I could tell him. His maroon eyes come forward in full force.
“Colin.”
“Dax, please. Let me explain.”
“You have nothing to explain.”