Chapter 38
CHAPTER
I sat on the edge of Gia’s bed, running my fingers back and forth across the small piece of folded parchment, like I’d done so many times over the past few days before resigning to not open it. “Just read it already,” Gia urged, knowing good and well exactly what it was.
“I can’t…I’m just not ready,” I argued, letting out a sigh.
My fingertips had practically memorized the texture of the paper.
For the amount of time I’d held it in my warm hands, it wouldn’t be a shock if the heat of my skin had caused the ink and its contents to smear.
When Cairis delivered it to me, my heart sank as he conveyed its origins.
This letter, which clearly had my name written on the outside, had come from Trace.
Cairis found it while preparing the body for burning.
He said it was shoved into the side of Trace’s boot.
And to think, if he hadn’t removed his clothing to give him a proper ceremony, it may have never been found.
Whatever words or images lay inside this message could have been burned away to ash along with his body, and I’d have never known its contents.
Maybe it would have been better that way?
Instead, I’d agonized over it for days, unwilling to let myself read it, and instead I bathed in my grief and regret while the others worked diligently to prepare for Gia’s coronation as Queen Embry.
I helped, but found it difficult to focus or assist in any meaningful way.
Mostly, I rehearsed apathetically, or found myself nodding in agreement to questions asked of me moments before that I could not recollect.
Even through my grieving and self-loathing, there was one thing I came back to, over and over again.
Varro having escaped the battle unscathed was my biggest relief.
I told myself these, the losses of Nori and Trace, were losses I would find a way to endure.
Somehow. But he was the point of no return for me.
If I’d lost him, there would be no reason to carry on.
But…he was my reason. And in between all the planning and commotion, I sought as much refuge in his comforting embrace as possible.
Facing so much death and destruction changed me permanently.
Mostly it made me more fearful of ever seeing him harmed or losing him.
I suffered a few nightmares where he had swapped places with Nori and Trace, and I experienced the losses as if it were him I was losing.
These nightmares were difficult to shake.
I tried not to let him know how much I thought of losing him now.
How it haunted me in my sleep and waking hours.
I was too exhausted from all the sleepless nights to keep up with the facade of being her lady’s maid. After a short time, Gia seemed strangely renewed and energized. She kept saying, “I suppose there are worse fates than being a queen?”
I think she told herself this in an effort to bring about some semblance of comfort.
But I believed that deep down, this task would be a lonely one.
Ruling over foreign lands, foreign people; Fae who had been misled and misguided into a brief but bloody battle with the North before being forced to retreat.
Those unable or unwilling to retreat were captured, their bodies destined to illustrate the severity of their crimes against the North.
She was supposed to be the spark to a flame of hope.
With the usurpers discarded, power transitioned back to those who would support reinstating the peace treaties, adhering to borders, and fulfilling trade alliances.
The true heir of Artume atop the throne.
Or so the Artumians would be made to believe.
Gia may have been open to the idea of gowns, crowns, jewelry and revelries.
She might have relished in presiding over an entire court and kingdom.
But she was not a fan of politics, nor keen on economics.
I imagined she would struggle in this role, though she wore a brave face.
A face that was not her own, only able to find peace in private moments where she could once again transform back into herself.
Cairis could protect her physically, but she’d need to find other allies she could trust, even if they could not know her secret.
My mind distracted itself with thoughts of her future, ignoring the paper in my hands.
“You know, Cress, I regret the last words I ever said to my mate.” Her regal gown rustled as she made her way to join me on the bed.
I scooted over to make room and avoid wrinkling the delicate fabric.
“I looked my mate in the eye and lied to him. I withheld any affections, even as my heart broke, and I willingly severed our bond.”
I felt unworthy to talk to Gia about her mate. Not when I had one of my own, even in these circumstances. Especially not when our own mentor had put us all in this precarious situation due to his own betrayals. She was the only one of us who had made a clean sacrifice.
“I don’t know when he wrote this. I don’t even know if it’s words at all. He used to sketch; it may not even be a letter,” I argued, thinking back to all his detailed drawings when we first met, and the one he’d given me before leaving Basdie.
“If it is a letter…all I’m saying is, were he alive, then maybe he would have said the words himself. But he wrote them to you, perhaps knowing he may never get the chance. In any case, they were his…intended for you. Would you deny him his truth, even in death?”
My chest felt hollow, and a numb tear rolled down my cheek at Gia’s suggestion.
“I don’t deserve any reprieve that opening this may offer me.”
“Then don’t do it for you. Do it for him,” she coaxed carefully, gently clasping her hand over mine.
The loud sound of horns followed by bells echoed in the distance, indicating the coronation was about to begin. Thousands of Artumians waited anxiously for the return of Princess Embry and to exalt her as their queen.
Gia stood, knowing this would be the last time we saw each other for an unknown amount of time. Directly following her ceremony, Varro and I were to begin the return trip to Basdie. Goosebumps began to form on my exposed flesh. Nerves for her, for me. All of us.
“I never would have guessed that taking the oath of the Imperi meant I’d someday become queen over all of Artume.
The mission seems pretty straightforward, right?
It’s not like I have a war-torn country to preside over or anything…
” Gia concluded jokingly, a warm smile turning into a wide, sarcastic grin.
I smiled back and pulled her into my chest, embracing her tightly and taking in her floral fragrance one last time. Looking her over, committing her to memory, before she shifted into the stunning and youthful Princess Embry.
“Treat her kingdom and people well, despite their transgressions, Gia. Lead them with strength and mercy.”
The irony was not lost on me that often she and I began a mission with the words “No mercy”. But this mission was different. The Artumians were not her enemy.
“I have every intention of it,” she confirmed. “I would hand this sandcastle back to Embry as soon as she would have it.”
My cheeks pinched into an amused smile at her referring to Nasallus as a sandcastle. It was fragile in so many ways.
“Watch this,” Gia said, lifting the hem of her dress up and pivoting into a twirl, the luxurious fabric concealing her body and face.
The form that greeted me when she stilled was a perfect image of Embry, down to the most nuanced details.
It was no wonder that even a heart of ice like Saryn’s had been melted by this kind of beauty.
“Cress…”
“Yes,” I replied as she began to make her way towards the door.
“Your mental shields really are shit sometimes. When you see Saryn again, it may be easy to hate him, but ask yourself: if it had been Varro, would you have done the same?”
Unwilling to wait for my reply, she reached for the handle and made her exit into the hall as chimes of bells beckoned her to the southernmost balcony, where the citizens of Artume would crown their new queen.
The door shut softly behind her, and I plopped back onto the bed and resumed fiddling with Trace’s note, willing forth the courage to unfold it.
My fingers trembled with terror as I began to peel apart the parchment.
I steadied my heartbeat, and focused on silencing my mind and heart to the bond, fortifying this moment in deep, utter privacy.
Dearest Cress,
I don’t deserve you. I have known this since the moment I laid eyes on you and every day since.
I never could have fooled myself into believing otherwise.
Not before I knew your true identity, and not a moment since knowing you were fated to another.
And beyond that, I know now you are destined for a greatness that does not involve me at your side.
He would lay down his life for you, but I would have taken the lives of everyone that stood between us and our happiness.
My love for you is tainted. You deserve better than the kind of love I can give.
But let me dream. Even for just this moment. Let me dream.
If I could…I would rewrite the stars in the image of our happiness. In another lifetime, this is our story. The story that never was...
Somewhere in the infinite universe, I’m living a different life.
I was born into a caring family. I trusted deeply and loved fiercely.
I didn’t know death, pain and violence. You chose me, not a mate.
You chose me. The way you chose him. I don’t want some invisible rope tying us to one another.
I want you to know me and choose me because I’d choose you, and I’d never need fate to bind us.
In this lifetime, it’s ours. It’s a beautiful one, too, and as we stand at the edge of the golden wheat fields outside of Nori’s home, know that the amber waves are pale in comparison to your beauty.
Miles of it as far as the eye can see until we spot the tips of tiny, green, iridescent wings poking up between the hues of yellow.
Their wispy edges barely breaching the top of the tallest grasses.
You scoop up our daughter Avila in your arms, and she looks at me giggling.
Behind us, I hear your sister Versa chasing after her own daughter.
I will see you in another lifetime, Cress. So, when a stranger approaches you at a tavern in the middle of nowhere, I hope you’re good and sober. Because I’ll never let you out of my sight from that day forward.
-Never yours, but always waiting.
Trace