12
The Horse was a tiny dive bar on the very edge of Portsmouth, owned and operated by a local Rockwood alumni family. Kyle had gone with me a few times earlier that fall, and I liked it because it tended to be favored by the younger and less elitist Rockwood staff. The older crowd frequented some of the stuffier Portsmouth establishments and, as I had learned, The Barnacle. The Horse was comfortable in the sense that it wasn’t snobby or highbrow, but I also didn’t risk the whiskey sours there, and Kyle knew it. “Two Jack and gingers, please,” he said as we pulled up stools opposite the bartender. “You want to come to Boston with me tomorrow to see Annie in her play? She’s actually in a production of Annie , believe it or not. But she’s not Annie. She’s one of the orphans who only has, like, two lines. It’s super exciting for her, though.”
“That’s amazing,” I said, taking a sip and almost coughing. “This might have a splash of ginger ale in it. I wish I could. I made some other plans,” I said, knowing he could see right through me.
“Oh, this is the date, right? Mr. Muscle Man—who saves people’s lives and could probably save the planet from everyone and everything if he decided to, all while looking very handsome and smiling at the adoring ladies throughout his lifesaving mission. Nope, not jealous at all,” he mused, knocking back about half his drink.
“Easy there,” I chided. “Who knows? Maybe he’ll be boring as hell. Or he’ll smell bad. Or he’ll have some really gross habit. You never know.”
“There’s no way that dude smells bad. He looks like an Axe commercial. But gross habits … lots of guys have those. I’m hoping for something super nasty. Maybe he’ll pop a zit at the table right in front of you. But I’m guessing he’s too good-looking to have zits.”
“Or he’ll reach over and pop one of mine,” I joked. “I get plenty of them from working in the kitchen. You’re fixated on his looks, you do realize.”
“The guy’s like a male Barbie doll.”
“That’s a Ken,” I said. “And you’re a very attractive guy since I think you’re looking for some kind of compliment or reassurance. There’s a reason I started talking to you over watermelon at that dinner, you know. Also, now that I think about it, why were they serving us watermelon in January? Where was this watermelon coming from? I guess I think about these things now that I’m on the other side of the buffet line. Notice it’s not January yet, and I’m still not serving watermelon.”
“You sure you weren’t just looking for a fling before DC, knowing that the guys there wouldn’t be so interesting?” he joked, finishing his drink. I had a feeling there would be several, given where this conversation seemed to be going.
“I had no idea at the time that I wouldn’t ultimately be attracted to wannabe lobbyists and congressional staffers,” I conceded. “And no, I wasn’t looking for anything. I thought you were cute and interesting and had a lot to say.”
“Because I talk too much,” he admitted, signaling to the bartender that he wanted another beverage.
“Not too much,” I said carefully. “You are a skilled conversationalist. And I enjoyed that. Among other things.” I almost regretted that last line.
“It was a fun night,” he said. “We didn’t really sleep. And then we went to breakfast, and I remember eating a lot of bacon.”
“So much bacon!” I said, remembering the heaping plate we shared, every salty last bite. “And then I had to leave, and that felt weird. I didn’t know how to say goodbye to you.”
“You kissed me really quickly, I think,” he said, swirling the ice around in his glass, not making eye contact.
“I did,” I said, thinking about it. Part of me wanted to lean over at that moment and do it again. Just a quick kiss to see if it felt the same. It would have been so self-centered of me to put Kyle in that position given all our conversations, the fact that I was going out with Heath the next day, and because there were likely a few Rockwood eyes on us. Enough people already suspected that something was up between us, despite me telling them regularly that we were just old friends. I decided to stay put and not lunge at him, but it wasn’t an easy choice.
He downed the remains in his glass and looked around. I followed his glance, and there were, indeed, several young teachers looking at us. We both waved at them, and Kyle asked me, “You want to go take a walk? Might be good to get out of here.”
We walked through the streets of Portsmouth, buzzing with Friday night socializing and merriment. I told him the story of Adrienne and Ward Connelly, as well as my interactions with Bentley and Julianna. He filled me in on his classes, how the soccer team was doing, and his attempts to keep things as normal as possible with Annie and Cora, given the circumstances. “Cora has a new boyfriend,” he told me. “He’s a lawyer named Gill. And I’m okay with it. Really. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I’m not at all jealous. I’m actually kinda happy for her.”
“That’s good, Kyle,” I said. “You must be shifting into a new phase of all this.”
“Maybe,” he said. “I haven’t met the shithead yet, so we’ll see how I feel then,” he said with a laugh, lightly bumping into me for a moment.
“Right, right, you never know. Should we walk back over the bridge to St. George’s?”
“Sure,” he said. “Not much longer for these kinds of walks. It’ll get cold soon.”
“I’m hoping for a mild winter,” I replied, happy to only be wearing a light jacket. The thought of my puffy coat and big boots was not appealing. “But I know that’s rare.”
“Remember how nice out it was that night at Norwell? When we walked around the Loch a million times?”
I thought back to the path that circled Lake MacGavin and how, on that particular January night, it was free of snow and was comfortable to stroll along in just fleece jackets and sneakers. I could almost feel Kyle’s hand in mine as I remembered how we walked and talked and got to know each other—over fifteen years earlier. I recalled how we had finally stopped walking and stood facing each other, then held onto both of each other’s hands. How our faces had moved toward each other and how our lips met for the very first time. I felt blood rush through my body, and my face flushed just thinking about it.
“You okay, Dev?”
“Oh, yeah, totally. Let’s go see what’s going on with the sculpture. I wonder if Andrea’s keeping security there all night.” I had to try to clear those thoughts out of my head.
Sure enough, there were two security guards sitting in a golf cart next to the sculpture. Ashlyn Lark was talking to them, along with one of her followers, a small, shy girl named Jessica. I felt sorry for anyone who was caught up in Ashlyn’s whole situation. Who knew what she was pressured into doing? The whole thing gave me too many flashbacks to mean girls in high school.
“Oh, look who it is?” Ashlyn asked, almost purring. “Mr. Holling, I am going to work all weekend on that paper. I can’t wait to learn everything I can about the Guilty Age.” Jessica elbowed her and whispered something to her. “I mean, the Gilded Age. Of course. Did you know that I am related to the Rockefellers?”
Kyle nodded and scrunched up his face. “That’s fascinating. I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful paper. But Ashlyn, would you like some advice?”
“Always, Mr. Holling.”
“Be sure to include horizontal integration, muckraking, and Ida Tarbell if you’re going to talk about Rockefeller. Also, the gospel of wealth. Like we talked about in class.”
Ashlyn looked blankly at Kyle. “Oh, right,” she said. “Definitely.”
“It’s almost curfew. You two should go to your dorms,” Kyle said, and we walked away from them toward the quad. Once we were far enough away that they thought we were out of earshot, I heard Ashlyn ask Jessica, “What was he talking about?”
“I’m guessing Ashlyn doesn’t pay attention much in class,” I said to Kyle as we continued down the path.
“Very little. And I haven’t talked about any of those things in class yet,” he said with a smirk. “They all have to do with Rockefeller and the Guilty Age, though.”
“I have vague recollections of high school history, so I thought so. But I will always think of it as the Guilty Age now,” I said. “Where to?”
“One more spot,” he said. “Let’s go this way.”
We veered off the main path and followed a narrower one that curved into the woods. “Where are we?” I asked, grabbing onto Kyle’s arm in the dark. “I can barely see.”
“There are lights up ahead,” he said, moving his hand down to mine and tentatively holding onto it. “Just so you don’t trip or anything. I promise that’s all.”
I felt my heart jump as I got used to my skin against Kyle’s again. We had barely touched each other since I moved to Rockwood. It felt both good and strange.
We were soon at the edge of a small pond. The moon was reflected in it, and as Kyle promised, there were several light posts in the vicinity. We stood, staring at the moon in the pond, still holding onto each other’s hands. “Wow,” I finally said. “This is a beautiful spot. Are we still at Rockwood?”
“We are,” he said. “Students hang out over here at night on the weekends all the time, so some of us take turns walking through the area to make sure no one’s doing anything they’re not supposed to. But it’s late now, and they’re all supposed to be back in their rooms.”
“What about us?” I squeaked out, still staring at the pond, not sure what I was saying. There was something about being back in this kind of setting with Kyle again that was messing with me. I wasn’t twenty years old anymore, but for whatever reason, I felt like I was in that moment.
“Are you, well, considering it?” he asked, almost incredulous.
“I don’t know,” I blurted out. “I know I have this date tomorrow, and I know I want to give that a chance, and I know there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t consider anything right now with you, but as for right here, right now…” I took a breath and turned toward him. “Do you ever just want to kiss me and see what happens?” I couldn’t believe myself listening to my own question. What was I doing?
He looked at me with intensity and surprise. “Like, all the time. But I want to always respect you, too, Devon. I would never in a million years want to hurt you again. So, that’s why I don’t do it.”
It was both understandable and so Kyle. And so confusing. “But you want to. Right now. You would kiss me.”
“Of course,” he said. “You’re Devon. You’re luminous.”
I was luminous. No one had ever described me as luminous. Still holding his hand with my right hand, I grabbed his shirt with my left hand and pulled him into me. My lips crashed against his and then softened, and I felt myself melting into a kiss from fifteen years earlier. It was exactly like I remembered. And then I saw a flash and pulled back.
“What the hell?” I yelled. I saw two shadows running away.
“You’re late for curfew!” Kyle yelled. “If you’re in my class, you’re getting a zero on your homework! And the one after that!”
“They’re gone,” I whispered. “Possibly with photographic evidence.”
“It’s gotta be Ashlyn and her minions, right? The ones behind The Underground Stallion ? We just saw them,” he groaned, pulling at his hair in frustration.
“Probably,” I said. “But who’s really going to stop a few kids from printing a secret newspaper? No one has any proof it’s them. They must have been following us. Are there security cameras out here?”
“Nope,” he said. “I know this for a fact. I used to live out here.”
“What?” I looked around. “Where?”
“There was a little cabin right over there,” he pointed. “I lived there with Cora and Annie. And when I started suspecting something was going on with Ryland, I looked everywhere for cameras. I couldn’t find anything. I even went to Chuck in Facilities. He said the wiring would be a nightmare, so they never did it. And I believe him. I hardly had working internet.”
“What happened to the house?” Unless my night vision had gone to hell, there didn’t appear to be anything in terms of a structure that I could see.
Kyle sighed. “When they moved out, I—by mistake—set it on fire.”
I gasped.
“I know the way it sounds. I promise you it was not intentional. I wasn’t sleeping, and the doctor in the health center put me on something, and I passed out really quickly one night. I had also started smoking again. I know, I know, gross. Anyway, classic story: I must have dropped a cigarette, and I woke up to the smoke alarm and a few flames. Nothing terrible, luckily, and I was able to run into the kitchen, grab the fire extinguisher, and put it out before the fire department got there. The place was salvageable, but the administration gave me a choice. I could have it fixed, or they would tear it down, and I could move into a dorm. Given the fact that I knew—with the help of my therapist—that it would be healthier for me, in the long run, to move into something else and not have a reminder of my old life, I said they could wreck it. So, I moved into Dalton. They gave me a two-bedroom apartment so Annie would still have a place to stay when she’s here. I was very lucky, and most places would have likely fired my ass. No pun intended.”
It was a wild story to digest. I also couldn’t believe I was hearing another complicated story exposing even more of Kyle’s baggage. There was so much damage, both physical and emotional. “I’m glad they didn’t,” was all I could manage to say.
“I’m a really good teacher,” he said. “I think that’s why they want me to stay. I suck at a lot of things, but I know I’m good at this. And where would I go, anyway?” he asked. “Are you still going out with him tomorrow, Devon?” He grabbed ahold of my hand again, stroking my fingers a bit.
“I think so,” I choked out. “I’m sorry. I just owe it to myself to see. To see what, I don’t even know. But I have to.”
Kyle swallowed so hard I could hear it. “What was this then? Why did you want to kiss me?”
“I had to know what it was like—if it was the way it was before. And it was. It was still good and felt right, I promise you. Until it was interrupted, of course.”
“But it meant nothing, really, if you’re still going out with him.”
“That’s not true,” I said, my voice shaking. “It did mean something. This is all very confusing.”
“I feel a little used,” he admitted, and I couldn’t deny any of it. He let go of my hand. “But maybe I deserve it. Maybe this is what I get for what I did when I went to London,” he said. “Let’s walk back. I’m not going to leave you out here alone.”
I followed him silently through the woods, not grabbing onto him this time. When we got to the main path, I said, “Thanks for spending time with me tonight. I had fun until those kids showed up. I’m sorry if you’re mad at me.”
Kyle shook his head. “I’ll see you at Midsy,” he said and walked away, leaving me to walk the rest of the way back to Wentworth.