Constantine: Britain’s Story Part 2 (Spearhead Lake)

Chapter 6

Britain

When I get downstairs, Matthias is sitting on the sectional in the great room. His elbows are perched on top of his knees, his hands clasped, and his head hanging low. Jesus. He is, without a doubt, the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. His dark hair is long enough to rest on the collar of his shirt, and with his head bowed down, several pieces have broken free and fallen onto his forehead. My chest constricts at the thought that I’m hurting him. I desperately want to walk over, push his hair back, wrap my arms around him and apologize until I’m hoarse.

It was evident how disappointed he was when I told him to stop. To be honest, I was a little disappointed in myself. I wanted to go there with him, and be with him like that, but I just couldn’t. It felt wrong. So far, everything with Matthias has felt good. I wouldn’t go as far as saying it’s felt “right” because that has a lot of other implications, but it felt good. Knowing we were going to be intimate, that felt wrong. Having sex right now would just end up being a disservice to both of us, and Matthias deserves more, way more.

Walking around the arm of the sectional, I move to take a seat near him. But I don’t take his face in my hands and push his hair back. And I don’t wrap him up in my arms.

“What’s the bag for?” I ask, noticing the overnighter I couldn’t see before coming around the sectional.

“It was a surprise, but I was planning to take you to the coast for the night.” He motions down to the bag. “The girls packed it for you and I picked it up earlier. I was planning to meet you at your appointment.” Oh. “Don’t think we’ll be needing it now.” He sighs out, sounding downtrodden. Fuck.

“I’m sorry Matthias. I was going to talk to you about this, but I…I’m struggling to put into words how I feel.” He just turns to look at me, his warm brown eyes penetrating me as a sad expression passes his face. But he just nods, waiting for me to elaborate.

“I’ve been, um, really struggling lately.” I drop my head down in shame and stare at my hands as they fidget with the hem of my shorts. “And I’m not sleeping. And every time I’m alone, I fall into this depressed state that feels impossible to get out of. I’m sad…and I’ve been pretending that everything is fine because I hoped that if I just put on a happy face for long enough, it would just come true, you know? But it’s not fair for me to keep this from you.”

“Why would you think you’d need to keep this from me?”

“I don’t know!” I say it a little too loudly, exasperated. “Because you shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s not your problem, and you deserve to be with someone who is happy and can make you happy.”

“I am with someone who makes me happy. I’m just disappointed you don’t feel the same way.”

“You do make me happy, Mats! That’s the problem, though. When I’m with you, I’m happy. You make me happy. But it’s a distraction from what I still feel deeply, painfully, and it’s grief. And I don’t let myself deal with it. And I don’t talk about it. I just pretend. That’s the problem.”

“So I’m being punished because I make you happy?” What the fuck? I finally look back up at him.

“How am I punishing you?” I try to keep my tone even.

“By keeping me at arms length. And not talking to me about the important stuff and the real stuff you’re going through. Look, I love spending time with you, and with the girls, but I don’t need everything to be rainbows and sunshine. I don’t know what gave you that impression.” He pauses to shake his head in disbelief. “You still don’t get it. I want to be with you. With you, Britain. Somehow, though, I’ve already messed it all up because you won’t tell me what’s going on. You act like everything’s fine, until it’s not, but you’re not even giving me a chance to show up for you in the first place.” Shit, he’s right. When he speaks again, he averts eye contact and his tone is subdued.

“I showed up at the appointment today,” he pauses, like he’s debating what he wants to say, “because I wanted to ask if I could go into the ultrasound with you. And I wanted to know if we could put a label, on this.” He motions with his hand between the two of us. “And then I had this grand idea that I’d sweep you off your feet and take you away for a romantic night.” He lets out a sigh. “I wouldn’t have planned all that if I had known you’re not over Liam. Not even fucking close to being over Liam,” he scoffs.

I’m gobsmacked. I don’t know what to say, so I sit there saying nothing.

“Do you want to stop seeing each other?” He can’t even look at me when he asks. My heart breaks and I know there are tears in my eyes. I respond without thinking. The words are out of my mouth before I can even think twice.

“No.” I say it quietly, but it’s there, and it’s the truth. I don’t want to stop seeing him. “I don’t want to stop seeing you, Mats, but I don’t want to keep pretending like everything’s great and I’m happy when I’m not. And I don’t think I’m ready for a label. I’m just not ready. Like don’t you ever wonder why I don’t want to hang out, or go on dates at night?”

“I just assumed you had morning sickness. Well, you know what I mean, the all-day sickness people call morning sickness.”

“It’s not that. It’s because I get so scared and anxious at night that I just end up crying, all night, every night. It’s just this bone-chilling fear, and for no apparent reason.” Matthias moves over, wrapping me in his strong arms.

“I’m sorry, Brit. I didn’t know. You should have said something. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t say anything.” He pulls away from me slightly. “What do you need? What can I do?”

“I don’t know. That’s part of the problem, I don’t really know what I need or what anyone can do. I probably need to talk about it, but I can’t imagine that’s something you’d want me to talk about with you.” He grimaces for a fraction of a second before he schools his face back into a sympathetic expression.

“If talking about Liam would help, let’s do it.” He says this with as much enthusiasm as someone getting ready to have a root canal.

“Jess is coming. She’ll be here tonight or tomorrow morning. I can talk to her about some of this, too.” He looks instantly relieved. “I just want to start by taking today to just be sad. Not try and be happy, but just really be sad. And I want to watch TV, and cry, and then eat some ice cream…and it’s probably for the best if I do that alone.”

Instantly, his shoulders fall slightly. This feels impossible if I do what I need—at least what I think I need. I’m disappointing Matthias, but if I keep going along like this…I can’t keep going along like this. It dawns on me that I’m feeling something I used to feel all the time with Damian. It’s this internal conflict. I’d feel it when what I wanted, or even who I was, was in direct conflict with Damian and the life we shared. Damian and I only worked when I would bend to him. Hmm. I shouldn’t waste my time comparing Matthias to Liam, but I don’t remember feeling this way with him. Did you forget, Britain? Liam’s not here, though.

I can’t go back to that either. What I need is valid; what I’m asking for is fair. I told Matthias, that day at the hospital, I may not be able to give him the relationship he’s looking for. At this point, he can take it or leave it. I’ll be sad to see him go, but I won’t be sad that I’m standing up for myself.

He sits there for several moments, looking at me. Like he’s willing me to buckle, to take it back, to ask him to stay. But I don’t. When he realizes it, he finally says, “Alright then. I guess I’ll get going.” The disappointment seems to roll off him in waves, crashing into me. But I stay strong; I won’t cave.

“Okay, sounds good…and we’ll talk tonight, yeah?” I walk with him over to the front door.

“Will we, though?” Matthias asks with a sort of chill to his voice. I’m not used to seeing him like this. Matthias has always been a golden retriever, but today was like peeling a layer of an onion back, and I’m not sure I like what’s underneath.

“Yes, we will. I’ll text you tonight.”

He leans down, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. “If you say so, Brit.” He steps over the threshold and turns, giving me the slightest of smiles. “Take all the time you need, babe. I’m not going anywhere.” And just like the flip of a switch, the golden retriever has returned.

By two o’clock, I’m wondering about the girls when my phone starts vibrating.

“Hi, I was just thinking about you guys. You ready for me to come pick you up?”

“Uhhh, you’re still here?” Caroline asks me cautiously.

“Yeah, I ended up rescheduling my appointment. And baby, I appreciate you and Elodie helping Matthias get stuff ready for the coast…today just wasn’t the best day to go. But hey! I have some good news!”

“Oookay, what’s that?”

“Aunt Jess is coming today or tomorrow!”

“Yesssss!” Elodie whisper shouts, making me laugh to myself.

“That’s great!” Caroline’s tone immediately improves, the relief apparent. “I mean, Elodie and I were planning to stay the night at Gigi’s, but we can come home if you need us to.” The guilt washes over me. They shouldn’t have to worry about their mom for one night.

“No, I think you girls should stay if you want to. Jess and I can come pick you both up tomorrow.”

“Perfect! Because Grandpa is building a bonfire tonight, and we’re making s’mores with Carly’s homemade graham crackers! Homemade graham crackers, Mom!” Elodie’s excitement is nearly infectious.

“Wow! That sounds amazing! Can you girls save me a graham cracker to try, please?”

“We will, and will you call us if you need anything tonight?” No. Caroline shouldn’t have to take on my burdens anymore. I have to work on getting better, being better so my kids can be kids, not their parent’s chaperone.

“Absolutely, I will. You girls have so much fun and let me know what time to pick you up, okay?”

“K! Bye, Mom. Love you!” “Bye, Mom.”

“Love you both so much. Bye.”

These girls deserve more than I’m giving them right now. I let out a long sigh.

Britain

You’re okay with the girls staying over?

Sandy

Are you kidding me? These girls make me feel young again, and they're a joy to be with. They’re welcome to stay over anytime.

Okay. Thanks, Sandy. I’m not sure if you were tracking, but I’m not going to the coast tonight, so if they need anything or need me to get them, I can.

Yeah, I was tracking, and that’s okay. It just didn’t work out today. Get some rest and we’ll see you tomorrow, baby!

Okay, thank you.

This is good. I can be alone…for a little bit. Just as I grab the remote to restart Bridgerton, the doorbell rings. I’m not expecting anyone and the house is pretty secluded, so I check the Nest cam before answering. It’s a young man, with an armload of bags and packages.

I open the door cautiously. “Hi, can I help you?”

“Are you Britain Scott? I have deliveries for you from Jess DiAngelo.”

“That’s me.” I open the door a bit wider and he immediately starts passing over bags and parcels.

“I have more stuff in the truck, I’ll be back in just a sec.” I nod my head wordlessly and move the bags and packages from the front courtyard into the entryway. After a moment, he’s back again with more bags and boxes. Leave it to Jess to find someone who’ll deliver anything, same-day, to Robles Lake. We can’t even order Chinese food, but here is a man dropping off groceries, a Pack-n-Play, wine, and fresh flowers. This woman should be president.

After one more trip out to the truck, the young man pulls out a piece of paper and presents it to me.

“I’m supposed to assemble the Pack-n-Play, install the carseat in your car, and put all the groceries away. Here’s a copy of my driver’s license and a phone number to call for reference if you want to check with them first.”

I should probably be worried, but he seems like a nice kid. And if he wanted to murder me he probably wouldn’t have bothered to bring all the groceries in first.

“That’s okay. Come on in, but don’t worry about the groceries. I’ll do those.”

“No, ma’am. I’ve been given strict instructions to not let you lift a finger. It was a stipulation with this job.” Ma’am. Dagger to the chest. I laugh a bit, though.

“Okay then, have at it. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. And I’m Britain, by the way.” I hold my hand out to him and he takes it with a firm shake.

“I’m JJ, or James. I’ll answer to either.”

“Nice to meet you, James.” I give him a brief smile before showing him the kitchen and the guest room on the first floor that Jess and Eden can use.

I grab a LeCroix before heading back to the great room, opening my text messages as I do.

Britain

Where do you find people — HOW do you find people to do this stuff for you?

Jess

If I told you, then you wouldn’t need me anymore.

Not true, I’ll always need you ??

Fact. FYI ETA 6:30

That's a pretty fast turnaround time. Did you hop on the first flight out?

Don’t be mad…

Oh God.

I’m not coming alone…I may have asked Damian if he had any meetings happening on the west coast this week.

Great.

Wonderful.

He just cares about you and wants to check in on you and the girls, that’s all. Let him. He let me and Eden stow away on the company jet. K?

Fine, I’ll allow it. See you soon.

Jess only responds with a picture of Eden in the arms of a flight attendant aboard a private plane. I can’t stay mad at her. Even if hanging out with Damian right now feels a little less than ideal, I know she means well.

I haven’t seen much of Damian lately, aside from the prisoner exchange back in Virginia when they got back from Disney World and Summer came with him. Ugh, She was wearing the most pitiful smile on her face, like she really took pity on me. Me, the middle-aged woman, pregnant and alone, next to her, a young vibrant woman, just settling down with her new man. That might be my second least favorite memory ever. The first being Liam sliding my engagement ring off my finger in a crowded bar. I think that’ll be a core memory for the rest of my life. I cringe.

Instead of restarting Bridgerton, I throw my AirPods in and head upstairs. I have to hunt down the new bedding for the baby’s room. Damian will have to sleep in the nursery, I guess. It’s not decorated yet, but there’s at least a twin daybed in there, along with a crib. I’m sure he’ll love that.