Chapter 8
Britain
“Eden! Come to Auntie Brit!” I reach out for the baby and tears fill my eyes. Fucking hormones. She reaches back, and once I have her, she lands a slobber-filled kiss on my chin. I laugh, “Hi, baby. I missed you!”
“Aww, I missed you too, Brit,” Damian responds. I just roll my eyes. He bends over slightly, giving me a kiss on the cheek before moving around Jess and me to place suitcases inside. Then he’s back out the door.
“How was the flight? With Damian?” I laugh. Jess and Damian always got along fine, but I wouldn’t go so far to say they were tight. After the whole ‘leaving me for Summer’ thing, relations haven’t exactly improved.
“It was good. He was on the phone the whole time. So honestly, it was perfect.” This time Jess laughs, the sound bringing me comfort. I reach over and give her a hug with the arm not wrapped around Eden. Jess being here makes my life infinitely better. She balances me out. She’s everything I’m not. She’s bold, vivacious, stylish, dark hair and tan skin; she’s my better half nowadays, truly.
“I needed this,” I whisper to her. “Thank you.” She just nods her head and I release her.
“Okay, so show me around. I need to see this place!”
“You’re the one who found this house in the first place. You probably know it better than me.” I’m not joking. Jess and I spent hours on video calls picking out furniture, walking the layout of the new house.
“But that was just pictures. Also, how did James do?”
“James was great, a perfect gentleman. Very helpful. I did not lift any fingers.”
“Damn right,” Jess says fiercely. I laugh.
“Alright, ladies. That’s all the bags from the car. Where do they go?” Right.
“Jess and Eden’s stuff goes in the guest room on the main floor.” Bouncing Eden on my hip, I guide them both down past the courtyard and my office to the guest suite. Eden giggles when I jostle her in my arms, and I smile down at her. I can’t believe I’m going to have another baby. The tears start to form in my eyes and I sniffle, trying to will them away.
“You okay, babe?” Damian places a hand on my back gently as he asks. It’s oddly intimate. “Brit, sorry. Not babe. Brit.” He drops his hand quickly. Jess looks at me, raising both eyebrows in question, but I just shrug my shoulders in response.
“I’ll take her while you show Damian where he’s staying,” Jess says as she reaches for Eden. I pass the baby back to her mom and proceed to lead Damian upstairs, wondering what the heck that was all about.
“So, sorry this isn’t like an ideal sleeping arrangement, but the only other room I have is the nursery.” I open the door to the sparse space. The only thing that was done in here was a fresh coat of paint and two pieces of furniture. The crib is sitting on the far wall and the twin daybed is up against the opposite.
I laugh. Damian asks, “What’s so funny?”
“The irony is, I don’t know how many nights I wished you would’ve just taken over and slept in the nursery to give me a break every once in a while. And now, here you are, sleeping in the nursery.”
Damian rubs his hand across his forehead, sheepishly. “Yeah, uh, I wish I would’ve done some things differently.”
“Yeah.” Me too. “Of course, you could sleep in one of the girls’ bedrooms tonight. They’re sleeping over at Sandy’s. We can all go get them tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll just stay in here, it’s fine. But, uh, they’re staying at Sandy’s? What about…you know?” He doesn’t want to say his name. Same.
“It’s not like he’s there or around. As far as I know, he’s still in Sonoma, and Sandy is good for the girls. Like a grandma they never had, you know?”
“That’s great. And hey, I’m really looking forward to seeing Spearhead Lake.” He reaches out to gently pat my arm. The awkwardness of the gesture isn’t lost on me.
“Sooo, how long are you planning on staying?” I try to ask in my most polite, nonchalant voice.
He laughs, “Ahh, not long, I promise. I just want to see the girls and then I’ve got a couple meetings in Silicon Valley early next week.”
“You’re welcome as long as you want, Damian. I wasn’t trying to make it sound otherwise. It does feel a bit weird though, no? I mean staying in the same house but different bedrooms. Me in the primary suite, you in the nursery.” Damian is like a security blanket. Part of me wishes he would just wrap me up and cuddle me and make me feel better, but that’s not really his role in my life anymore. I don’t really know if he even has a role in my life. I’m a bit surprised that the thought of it makes me sad.
“I was thinking the same thing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, Brit. And seeing you pregnant,” he motions down to the bump I didn’t even attempt to hide, “it’s like going back in time. I think, I wish, I could do it all over again, you know?”
“Oh, I know. Sixteen years sounds like a long time, but looking back, it all went by in the blink of an eye. And now here I am, doing it all over. On my own.” The embarrassment of it forces me to drop eye contact, hoping to avoid the pity in his eyes.
“You don’t have to do it on your own. You know that, right? You can come back to Virginia-” I cut him off.
“Come back to Virginia and what? Ask you and Summer to come babysit once a month?” My tone is harsher than I meant. “Sorry, just, I don’t think Virginia is the best place for me to be right now.”
“No, you’re right, of course. I’m also three times busier now than I was when the girls were babies.” He pauses to laugh gently. “I just love to find solutions for problems is all.” Yes, I know.
“Well, I’ll let you get settled in. Let me know if you need anything, though I’m sure Jess would be better at helping you find it than me.” I turn to leave, but he grabs my hand and pulls me into a big bear hug before I can walk away.
“You’re doing great, Brit. You’re going to do great, okay? You did all the hard baby parenting basically by yourself, for both girls, at the same time. One is going to be a walk in the park for you.” He runs his hand up and down my back warmly and I just let the tears fall. Damian still understands me. He knows my biggest fear in life is to be alone and he’s trying to build me up just like he used to. I nuzzle into his chest, pushing my face into his cashmere polo, but with surprise, I realize he doesn’t smell like my Damian anymore. He smells like hers now. I pat his back for him to release me and he does.
“I’ll see you downstairs in a bit,” I say as I leave the room without looking back. But instead of heading to the main level, I head to my bedroom for a quick closet cry. Checking my watch in the jewelry case, I realize it’s still a bit too early for my nightly anxiety crying. This is just flat-out sad crying. My chest physically aches, so I stop trying to hold the tears in and let them out, and then I do what comes naturally. I open my top drawer and pull out my old phone. I hold my finger over the power button, debating.
The temptation is strong. Whenever I feel at my absolute worst, I want to text him. I want to tell him everything I’m thinking and feeling, and I want him to make me better. I want him to want me. I want him period, still, and I hate myself for that. I fucking hate myself.
Don’t do it, the little voice in the back of my mind says. It’s my last sliver of self-respect I still have left that says don’t do it. It tells me if you do, you’ll lose this last shred of dignity, forever. So I reopen the drawer and chuck the phone back inside.
I should text Matthias, not Liam. Pulling myself together as best as possible, I head downstairs.
Britain
What are you up to?
Matthias
Not much, just back at the office working.
Getting a bit late, no?
Nowhere else to be, why not?
That stings a bit. He’s obviously still salty about earlier.
Okay, well, Jess and Damian are here now, keeping me company.
There’s three little dots that disappear. Then they’re back, then they disappear again before they come back.
Damian is there, too?
Yeah, Jess caught a flight with him. He came to see the girls before some meetings next week.
The three dots appear, before they disappear. Again. I know texting doesn’t have a tone, but I feel like his text may as well have said: What the fuck? Why is your ex-husband staying at your house when you just told me you needed to be alone!? I’m starting to get that awful feeling like I’m doing something wrong, I’m guilty of being wrong, and I don’t like it.
Jess and I are going to watch Pride and Prejudice, eat a pizza, and snuggle with Eden. I just wanted to say goodnight and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Definitely still salty.
“So this is the only place that’ll deliver to you?” Jess asks as she unstacks pizza boxes on the counter.
“Yep, but it’s honestly pretty good.” Even though we’re closer to town, there’s even fewer restaurants at Robles Lake than at Spearhead. Here, we’ve got one pizza place and a half-decent grocery store.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Damian says as he swoops in, snagging a slice out of the box Jess just opened.
“Hey! Ladies first,” Jess says, shooting daggers with her eyes in Damian’s direction.
“Aren’t you a bit too feminist for that sentiment, Jess?”
“Not when it comes to food!”
I roll my eyes at both of them and put two pieces on my plate. I don’t know why, but my stomach’s already turning and I can tell I’ll probably only be able to get one piece down. I instinctively go to put one back, but Jess stops me.
“Uh uh, no. Girl, you need to eat.” Resistance is futile, so I slide onto the stool next to Eden who is strapped into her high chair that’s mounted to the counter top. She’s fumbling for Cheerios, wearing nothing but a bib and diaper. Her dark brown hair is quickly becoming matted with mushed cereal, but even so, she might be the prettiest baby…ever. My girls were adorable, but Eden is gorgeous.
“So, when are you disappearing, Damian, so I can talk to my best friend?” I chuckle at Jess’ question.
“Jesus, subtle much? Let me just get another slice and I’ll take myself outside. Need to make some phone calls anyway.”
“Yeah, don’t forget to check in with Summer.” Jess gives him a pointed look before looking at me. I must look confused because she gives me her signature head nod, the one that says she’ll spill the tea once he leaves.
Damian just stares her down, only briefly glancing in my direction before walking out the back door.
“What was that about?” I ask.
“He didn’t tell Summer he’s staying here. I overheard him on the flight talking to her.” What the hell, Damian?
“Uhh, not cool.”
“Nope. I’m surprised you’re not more upset about it, though.”
I shrug. “Not my circus, not my monkeys — at least not anymore.”
“Word.”
“Plus, I’m a little preoccupied with my own shit.”
“Yeah, so when do I get to meet this Adonis?” Jess moves to sit on the other side of Eden.
“Uh, I don’t really know. We kind of had a weird day today. I don’t know what’s going on between us.”
“Uh oh.”
“It’s not bad. It’s just I think he wants more than I’m ready to give. Well, actually, I know that’s exactly what it is. I’m not ready, but he’s feeling ready to be in this serious relationship.” I tell Jess about earlier, how he wanted to be intimate and I stopped him. How I told him I’m still dealing with trying to get over Liam, and about the short text messages. I shrug, “It’s hard, because I want to be that person, but I don’t know that I have it in me right now.”
“You shouldn’t feel like you need to be anybody else but yourself. If you’re feeling otherwise, that’s telling you something right there.” Jess is right. I should be able to just be me. “Let me ask you this, do you like Matthias?”
“Yeah, I-”
“No, do you like like Matthias? Like you want to be around him when he’s not near, and you think about him all the time, and you’d be devastated if he stopped coming around.” Not really. Maybe. I don’t know.
“It’s not like that with him.” My reply is quiet. I hate admitting that I’m not head over heels for Matthias when I should be. “I want to be like that with him.”
“Do you really?” If I sit with myself and think really hard, there’s the little voice that says no, but then there’s the louder voice that says yes. Matthias is showing up where no one else is, and that means something to me.
“I think so. He deserves that.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be you that gives that to him.” Logically, I know that, but I can’t help but feel like it does have to be me. He waited all these years, for me, and me for him, too. Up until 3 months ago, I still pined for Matthias. “Regardless,” Jess motions with her hand to figuratively clear the air, “one thing I know for certain is Liam can be blamed for all of this.”
I burst out laughing. “Hundred percent, couldn’t agree more.”
I really thought tonight would be the night I’d stop feeling absolutely miserable. With Jess and Damian both here, I was certain of it. But by 8:30 I had to excuse myself to go to bed. I felt sick to my stomach, and if anything, the anxiety seemed amplified tonight. It’s not like I have any chance at actually falling asleep, but at least if I’m in bed, my best friend and ex-husband don’t have to watch me fall apart.
I pull the oversized pregnancy pillow in firmly to my chest, squeezing it tight. I try to focus all my nervous energy and fear into clenching it as hard as possible, but it does little to ease the pressure in my chest. I release it, flinging my arms back against the mattress in defeat when a gentle knock on the door pulls me out of my misery.
“Come in!” I yell, but I don’t even bother to get off the bed.
“How you doing?” Jess asks gently because I’m sure she already knows how I’m doing.
“Ugh, miserable.” A small cry breaks free from me at the last moment. “I’m pitiful, I know.”
“You’re not pitiful, babe.”
“I am. Pregnant and alone. Sad and despondent. Tragic. Oh, and weak, too. Is it any wonder why I’m by myself?”
“It is a wonder. And you’re not pitiful or weak. Someone did this to you, but this isn’t who you are.” Jess crawls into the bed and lays down next to me, so I roll over to face her.
“Tell me something awful about Tommy so I feel better about being alone, please?”
Her response is lightening fast. “He clips his toenails over the bathtub.”
I fake a gag. “Yep, that’ll do it. All better. I’m cured. I need no man.”
Jess just laughs. “Damn straight you don’t,” making me laugh, too, before she changes her tone. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” I reply.
“Do you ever think about what it would be like if Liam came back? Like if he came back here and wanted to be together?”
“I do.” The first couple of weeks after he left, there wasn’t a day, hour, or minute that went by that I didn’t wish he would come back to me. “Well, I did. I try not to think about him coming back anymore.” It hurts too much.
He still shows up in my dreams on the rare occasion I do sleep, but that’s all they’ll ever be, dreams. It would be a dream, him coming back, wanting to be together. And me forgiving him. But that’s the most fantastical part of it all, thinking I could forgive him. I honestly don’t think I can.
There’s no reasonable explanation that would make this all okay. At least not one I can conjure. He made very conscious and permanent decisions that I can’t move past. How could I be okay with a man who seemingly aimed to inflict the most amount of pain and humiliation possible and then completely abandoned me? I get the chills when I think about it, but I keep coming back to this same conclusion: He never actually loved me.
Was it just an act? I mean, how duplicitous can one person be? I don’t even fucking know him. I never even knew him.
“Care to share?” Jess pulls me into the present.
“Huh? I don’t know, it’s all just dark and depressing shit.”
“Well, that’s sorta the reason I’m here…”
“Right,” I sigh. “I just keep coming back to the fact that he probably never loved me. It’s the only thing that makes sense. But I can’t figure out why he would go through all the trouble of asking me to marry him, and telling me he loved me, when he didn’t. What was it about then? Was he just in it for money? Was he just preying on the fact that I'm a lonely, pathetic human, and he knew he could take advantage? What was it, Jess?” I let out another sigh, “What the fuck was it?”
Her mouth tilts up slightly in a comforting way, but not in a smile. “This isn’t what you wanna hear, but I do think he loved you. That picture you sent me was worth a thousand, no,” she shakes her head, “a million words. I don’t know why he did what he did, but I do think he loved you. Either that, or he deserves a fucking Oscar for his performance.”
“I want to hate him, Jess…” she reaches out for my hand.
“But you don’t.”
“I don’t.” She just nods in understanding and it’s then I decide to fully come clean. “I haven’t told anyone this, but I…I still text him. Once a week, I’ll send him updates about the baby, like how they're developing or what new symptoms I have. It’s stupid. I’m going to stop, though.”
“Does he ever respond?”
“Never.” My mouth quivers as I try my hardest not to cry, and Jess threads her fingers with mine, giving them a tight squeeze in support.
“Brit, why don’t you just go talk to him? It’s not like you don’t know where he is.”
“We’ve been over this, an-and my feelings on this haven’t changed. I just can’t, okay? He made it clear that he did not want me to be part of his life anymore. I don’t need to go stand in front of him like a fool just so he can make that distinction clear to me again. It just screams desperate.”
“It doesn’t scream ‘desperate,’ it screams I deserve a fucking reason why! As the mother of his child, you deserve to be able to tell that child, when they ask why their dad isn’t around, because you know they will. You’ll be able to tell them why. You won’t have to say that it’s just because their dad is some asshole, even though, I mean, maybe he is. But at least you’ll be telling them the truth, whatever it is.” Jess is right, but she also doesn’t know what it’s like to grow up with a parent who’s supposed to love you unconditionally, instead, cut you from their life. I’ve been conditioned since infancy that my own father didn’t love me enough to stay. I’ve since learned that was probably a good thing, but still. I learned young that when someone shows you they don’t want you, just believe them.
Liam showed me what all the men in my life have: I’m not enough to stick around for. I may as well believe him.