6. Diana
CHAPTER 6
Diana
S tinging pain jolted through my scalp as I tore the brush through my tangled hair, but it only drove me to do it harder. The feeling was cathartic, in a way, and it was all that was stopping me from driving my forehead directly through my bathroom mirror.
The memory of the night before was fuzzy, likely due to shock, but Raven and I had met with Nicholas, Dominic, and Sienna right after Gavin’s death. And, somehow, I’d been convinced to set up a meeting with Gavin’s family. It was important to keep things as normal as possible during the lead-up to the summit with the other monarchs, but it was hard to imagine anything feeling more wrong.
Could I really walk right up to his widow and lie to her about what happened?
It’s a queen’s duty to act in the best interest of all of her subjects.
I could almost hear Lycan saying the words. He’d repeated them dozens of times while preparing me to step up as queen. And I couldn’t deny that this was in the best interest of my people when we faced so many other dangers.
Lilis was out there somewhere, and she’d probably salivate at the thought of the chaos and division my actions could cause.
I had to deal with the other leaders and convince them to help.
My people were at the edge of a civil unrest.
But it felt awfully convenient for me to fall back on what a queen’s duty was now…after what I’d done the previous night.
Killing one of my own, even in self-defense was not taken lightly even in good times.
Maybe Gavin hadn’t even recognized me in his altered state of mind. Perhaps he only scented me as…other.
And the fact that I’d put myself in that position to begin with? And for what? Because I was sad that I’d lost my wolf? Because I couldn’t control my hunger? Because I was the monster I’d always been told vampires were.
Tears pricked at my eyes as I murmured his name aloud for the dozenth time this morning, ensuring I would never forget it.
“Gavin Barrach.”
I had failed him and the entirety of his clan. Everything from here on out was nothing but damage control. My mind searched for some excuse, any way to get out of this, and the taste of iron flooded my tongue as the tips of my fangs dug into the soft flesh of my bottom lip.
“Fuck!” The word came out as a shout.
I stared into the mirror, my gaze fixed on the green of my irises as Mav’s words replayed in my mind yet again. It wasn’t as if the idea had come from nowhere. I had heard the whispers, too, that I was no longer fit to rule. And, as much as they hurt, I wasn’t exactly doing a great job refuting them.
Many in Gavin’s clan had not been thrilled about me being queen, but they’d done their duty and bent the knee. And whenever I had called on them, they had answered that call. Gavin himself had taken three heads in the battle against the Demons, I’d learned earlier this morning. Not my strongest supporter, but certainly not an enemy of the crown, either.
A knock at the door pulled me back to the present. “Come back later,” I called.
“Open the door, Diana.”
I let out a breath, recognizing the Duchess’ voice. “Enter.”
It would’ve been right to go and greet her, but I didn’t have it in me at that moment. Any vitality I’d felt after drinking from the doe last night was long gone, leaving behind a bone-deep weariness I hadn’t felt since my father died.
She flashed me a sad smile as she walked into the room, her hands straying to my hair as she settled wordlessly behind me. She worked on my hair, untangling it in silence for nearly a minute before speaking.
“I’m sure you’re really going through it right now. Talk to me, child.”
“He has children, Evangeline…I just don’t get how I’m supposed to sit there and lie.”
She nodded. “I understand all that, and I don’t envy your position. What happened was self-defense, and that was clear, despite how you feel right now.” I made a noise of dissent, and she shushed me. “But you'll have plenty of time to make it up to this man’s family once we’ve secured the support we need. It’s an ugly job, but it’s one you need to do. Regardless of how your people treat you, you are still their queen. And, as harsh as it sounds, a queen ought not allow her faulty guilty conscience to turn one mistake into two.”
A resigned calm settled over me. “That’s just what my father would’ve said.”
She cocked her head at me, making eye contact through the mirror. Her hand slipped slightly as I said it, but she flashed me a forced half-smile. “It is, I agree.”
“And I do know that you’re right, Duchess. It’s the best thing I can do for my people now that I’ve gotten myself into this situation.”
The carriage ride to Gavin’s home passed in a haze, with Loch and Sienna tagging along to support me, but the Duchess’ words had solidified something in me. My thoughts were more about how I was going to get this job done rather than if I was going to do it.
I forced myself mechanically to my feet as we rolled to a stop, doing my best to channel my inner queen. For my people, I could keep it together. I had to keep it together. I could be sympathetic, too, but nothing like this mess I was on the inside.
I just had to see them through the battle for the world, then I could step down.
Sienna dropped a comforting hand to my shoulder, and I forced my way out of the carriage, feeling more like a spectator than the person controlling my body. I slowly made my way toward the door of the adorable little cottage, but it felt like I was walking to the gallows. Blood roared in my ears as the path before me blurred.
I hadn't even reached the door when it swung open, and a woman with a babe on her hip stepped outside, her face draining of color when she saw me. There was only one reason I made house calls, and my people knew it.
“Mary, I’m so sorry…I need to speak with you, please.”
“No, no. No no no no!” The whispered plea built to a primal scream, and she grasped the doorknob for purchase as her knees gave out. A smattering of footsteps sounded behind her, and two other children poked their heads through the doorway.
A tiny redhead girl, no more than nine, and a boy about the age of twelve. The boy instantly took the now squalling baby from his mother and tried to shield his sister behind his arm.
“Your Majesty…what are you doing here?” he asked, his voice barely audible over his mother's racking sobs.
The words stuck in my throat as I tried to speak until Sienna's hand slipped to my lower back, unseen by them, the warmth and energy flowing off her giving me a boost of strength.
“I'm so very sorry, Kalen, but I'm afraid your father has passed away.”
The next minutes passed in a nightmarish blur as Sienna stepped in and ushered all of us back into the little cottage. I found myself sitting across from Mary while Sienna talked in low gentle tones to her children in the other room. I'd felt her healing magic washing over me from just that simple touch a short while ago, and I only hoped she was doing the same for them. It had been fleeting, as it would be for those poor young children and Gavin's widow, though…
“I knew when he didn't come home last night,” Mary said softly, cupping her hands more tightly around the steaming mug of tea Sienna had prepared. “With the new babe, my wolf’s been quiet, which is fine by me. Lost the taste for the hunt, for now,” she admitted, rocking back and forth in her seat. “But not Gavin. He was more excited than ever. Amped up and full of energy. Gave me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I should have said so. If he hadn’t gone…he’d be home with us now. If he’d just slept it off instead.”
I reached out and took her trembling hand in mine, feeling every bit the traitor I was. “It wasn't your fault, Mary. Gavin was a strong man with a stubborn heart. You and I both know if he wanted to go out, nothing you could have said would have stopped him.”
“You’re right about that, for certain.” That got a ghost of a smile out of her before she lifted her head and met my gaze head-on. “How did it happen, Your Majesty? Do you know?”
I'd practiced it a hundred times since we'd created the story the night before, I should’ve known it by heart. And still, under the unbearable weight of her golden-eyed stare, the words escaped me.
I sucked in a breath and tried again. “We…we found him in the woods over near the boundary between the river and the demon realm. We can't be sure, but we’re thinking possibly a bear attack.”
“A bear?” Mary let out a harsh laugh. “The day Gavin is bested by a fucking bear, you could knock me over with a feather. No.” She shook her head, viciously. “It had to be something else. I can't help but wonder—" she broke off and gnawed on her lower lip for a long moment until I gave her hand another squeeze.
“It's alright, you can say it.”
“To be honest, my Queen, I can't help but wonder if he hadn't been challenged by another clan for his recent political stances…” Her cheeks turned pink, but she didn’t look away. “I won't say I agreed with him, but I won't apologize for him either. These are strange times, and some of the people he's been hanging around with have started to question whether or not…” she trailed off and then started again, this time her expression full of golden determination. “They're wondering if you're still fit to be Queen. Do you think it's possible that one of the more loyalist leaning clans found him alone and hurt him?”
Fuck. I cleared my throat thinking that the loyalist who’d killed him was me.
“I supposed that's possible, Mary, but I can't say for sure.”
“Well, you’ve got all those scientists and doctors. You have his body,” she gestured out the window and swallowed hard. “There’s got to be something you can do to try to figure it out. DNA, hair, blood samples, something.”
It took all my might not to look away. The lies were coating my tongue in ash, and I didn't think I could utter another, but I managed a whole slew of them.
“I hadn't heard of your husband's recent political leanings, so we had not planned on doing an autopsy proper, given his condition when we found him. We really did think a bear was the most likely culprit based on the marks upon his body. And while I'll agree that Gavin was as strong as they come, if he was focused on spotting a kill or perhaps had been upwind of the bear, the animal could have gotten the drop on him.”
“Promise me.” Mary leaned in, using her grip on my hand to tug me closer, her gaze intense. “Promise me you'll at least look into it.”
I nodded and pulled away. “I will.” I tugged the thick vellum envelope I’d secreted in my coat pocket and slid it across the table between us. “And this is to take care of your family in the absence of your husband. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.”
She stared at the envelope dully and didn't bother picking it up as she stood.
“I appreciate you coming personally. I–” she broke off and turned away, ragged, ugly sobs making her whole body quake and my stomach turn. I fisted my hands at my sides, tears streaming down my cheeks, her pain cutting into me.
I could be furious with Raven all I wanted. There was no more denying the truth, though…
He’d made me a vampire without my permission.
But I’d turned into a monster all on my own.