Chapter 31
Shiloh
Everything happened so fast.
Dalton charged in, hand on holster, and Curtis and Brick backed off, but the damage was done. Holden had stepped between us, protecting me, even when it was going to cost him so much.
Brick and Curtis had put their hands all over my man. Had hurt him. And I’d stood there screaming like an idiot, unable to intervene without causing even more harm.
In that moment, I could almost relate to Holden’s touch aversion because I’d wanted those hands off him so badly my own skin crawled.
“You have the right to be silent,” Dalton snarled as he snapped cuffs on Brick’s wrists.
He made the Miranda rights sound like a threat, instead of a reassurance, eyes filled with anger and worry that must surely mirror my own.
“Can I go?” I asked, urgency making my voice high and tight. “I have to make sure Holden’s okay.”
He’d rushed for the bathroom, and I had no idea what shape he was in. But judging by how badly he’d reacted to my touch when he was trying to invite it, I could only imagine what violence would do to him.
“Go,” Dalton said. “I’ll call Axel and get him over here.”
“What should I do?” I asked, heart racing with fear. “All this time, and I never asked how to help him through an attack. So stupid!”
Brick strained against Dalton’s hold, baring his teeth at me. “Coulda told you that, you fuckin’ bitch-ass slut!”
Dalton jerked him back by the wrists. “Don’t push it,” he growled. “This can go easy, or it can go hard.”
Brick subsided into a silent glower. Curtis looked unruffled as always. That was more disturbing. He smirked, eyes fixed on me, looking as if he knew this was just a blip in his plan.
“Your new man is skittish, isn’t he? You know what to do if you want to protect him. You don’t ever have to see us again.”
I hesitated. “I don’t have the money. If I did, I’d have given it to you a long time ago. Jimmie is a liar and a thief.”
He nodded slowly. “Probably.”
“Then leave me alone!”
“Shiloh,” Dalton broke in. “Go to Holden. Just be there for him. That’s all you can really do, okay?”
Brick snarled another insult, but I was done. I had more important concerns.
I raced toward the bathroom, banging into a table and bruising my hip, staggering to the left with a curse, and continuing to the door.
I stopped just outside it. “Holden? Can I come in?”
There was no response. My stomach churned. What if he wanted to be alone? What if I made it worse?
Just be there for him, Dalton had said.
I had to know he was okay. That he didn’t need medical attention.
Cautiously, I turned the knob and eased the door open. Holden slumped against the wall next to the toilet. He was pale and trembling, hair damp with sweat.
When I stepped inside, his whole body startled, and he jerked, eyes rolling toward me, chest heaving with rapid breaths.
Too rapid. He needed to calm down before he hyperventilated.
“It’s just me,” I said quickly, easing the door closed behind me. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
He sucked in a noisy breath, expelled it, then muttered, “It’ll pass.”
He repeated the phrase in a hoarse whisper over and over. “It’ll pass. It’ll pass. It’ll—fuck.” A wheeze escaped him.
I lowered myself to my knees, keeping my distance. “It’ll pass,” I said softly.
“It’ll pass,” he repeated, voice a little stronger.
“Yes,” I said. “It’ll pass.”
“Fuck, I hate this,” he muttered.
“Baby, I know. I’m so sorry.” I inched forward, moving slowly. “Tell me how to help.”
He didn’t answer, eyes clenching shut. His breathing sped up again. As a teacher, I’d had to calm down upset, panicky students a few times. It wasn’t the same as a full-blown panic attack, but it was what I knew.
“Holden, deep breaths,” I said. “Slow breaths. In through your nose. Out through your mouth.”
He breathed in, following my instructions.
“Is there medicine for this? Something I can get you from the car, maybe?”
He shook his head, exhaling noisily, then sucking in another breath too quickly.
“Okay, nice, slow breaths, Holden.” I edged closer, breathing deep and slow, hoping he’d match my rhythm. “Should I leave? Would it be better?”
“Just…stay.”
He’d placed one hand flat on the floor. His other squeezed his key chain in his hand so tightly it left impressions in his skin. With his thumb, he traced the shape of the metal panda over and over.
That gave me an idea.
I pulled out my phone. “Want to watch a video?”
He blinked glazed eyes at me. “Wh-what?”
“Pandas.” I pulled up a reel. I’d started saving them because Holden liked them. “I found a new one.”
I eased over beside him, not too close, and hit Play on the video.
Pandas tumbled and wrestled and fell out of trees while we breathed together. When one video ended, I started the next. Beside me, Holden’s breathing gradually evened out. His trembles slowed.
But I had too much time to think. To replay what had just happened. To realize it was all my fault.
I’d brought this trouble into Holden’s life. He’d suffered so much already. He didn’t deserve to suffer for my mistakes too. Brick and Curtis weren’t just going to go away, and I could never let this happen again.
I loved Holden too damn much.
Tears pricked at my eyes. I tried and failed to muffle a sob.
“Don’t cry,” Holden murmured.
The fact that he was hurting so much and telling me not to cry made the waterworks really start up. I gasped for breath. “Shit. Ignore me.”
He blew out a heavy breath. “It’s getting better.”
Tears dripped down my face, and I turned away. I didn’t want to make matters worse with my pity party. I needed to pull it together and be strong for Holden.
“Good,” I said with forced cheer. “That’s really good.”
“Yeah,” he said, his tone hollow. “So good. Always wanted to fall apart on the bathroom floor.”
The fact that he could pull out sarcasm had to be a good sign, right?
There was a quick knock on the door, followed by it opening and Axel leaning in. “Holden?”
“Here,” he said, sounding absolutely drained.
He’d been through an emotional wringer. I had no idea what it was like to have such a surge of adrenaline followed by a drop, but it couldn’t be easy on your body.
Axel came in and crouched down in front of us.
“Shit, man, you’ve looked better.”
“Axel!” I said sharply.
Holden chuckled weakly. “Doesn’t feel great.”
“I bet not. Ready to get home?” he asked.
Holden rolled his head toward me, new worry flaring in his eyes. “Shit. Those guys—”
“Gone,” Axel said. “Dalton hauled their asses to jail. They’re not our problem for at least twenty-four hours.”
“Thank fuck.” Holden pushed to his feet, using the wall for support. He wasn’t steady, and I had to fight the urge to slip an arm around his waist and support him. That would only make things worse.
“Let’s go,” Axel urged gently. “You’ll feel better if we get you home.”
“Yeah.” His voice was distant, as if he were still somewhere else, but when Axel walked out of the bathroom, he followed.
I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, shaking faintly, as we made our way through the bar. Holden was upright and functional, but he wasn’t himself. He kept asking about Brick and Curtis, as if Axel hadn’t already told him they were gone.
Each time, his brother patiently repeated that they’d been hauled to jail.
“You’re safe,” Axel said.
“I need Shiloh to be safe,” he shot back.
“He is,” Axel said. “He’s right here with us. Everything’s fine.”
We got Holden into the passenger seat after some arguing. He wanted to drive, even when he was half-lucid. My man really was a control freak, I thought fondly as I got into the driver’s seat.
Holden stared out the window, silent and tense, all the way home. Axel followed us back to the house in his El Camino and joined us as we went inside.
Bailey and Gray met us at the door, Banshee dancing at their side. “How is he?”
“He’s right here,” Holden grumbled.
“Go sleep it off,” Axel said. “You’ll feel better.”
“I need to fix this problem first,” he said.
“It’ll wait,” Gray said.
“No, these guys are trouble!” Holden insisted. “They’ll be back, and what if I’m not there? What if they hurt Shiloh?” He raised shaky hands to his hair, tugging at it in distress. “I have to fix this! I have to.”
He was winding himself up all over again, and the man had barely come off a panic attack.
Gray and Bailey weren’t asking for details, so I assumed Axel had called them on the drive back and explained the situation.
“Holden, you have to take care of yourself,” Gray said.
“Fuck that! I have to take care of Shiloh!”
His brothers tried to cajole him into bed, but Holden wasn’t having it. I was afraid he’d spiral out again. So I stepped forward, between him and his brothers.
“Look at me, Holden. I’m right here. I’m safe.”
His eyes darted from his brothers to me to the door and back. Finally, he settled his gaze on my face. “Shiloh, I have to do something.”
“I know,” I said gently. “But the guys are in jail. They won’t be back right away. Let’s rest first, okay?”
He hesitated, looking conflicted.
“Please?” I said. “I’m worried about you.”
He gave in. “Fine, but nothing happens without waking me.”
“Nothing,” Gray said, drawing a cross over his heart. “I swear, bro.”
One by one, his brothers promised not to take any action without his say-so, and he finally turned toward the bedroom. “Fine. I’m going.”
He trudged down the hall, shoulders slumped, looking like he carried the weight of the world. I followed him, making sure he made it into bed okay.
Banshee hopped up beside him. I opened my mouth to call her away, but Holden slipped one hand into her fur and sighed with relief.
My heart ached. I wished I could give him that kind of comfort.
I turned to leave.
“Wait,” he said.
I paused, casting a look back at him. “Yes?”
“Stay with me?”
I moved toward the side of the bed. “Are you sure? I don’t want to cause you unease.”
“I want you here. Want you close. Always.”
“Okay, then.” I climbed into the bed behind him, careful not to jostle him, and watched as his eyes slipped closed.
“Hate that I’m so weak,” he murmured.
“Are you kidding?” I scoffed. “You protected me, knowing what would happen. That was the strongest thing I’ve ever seen.”
His lips curled up a little. “Well, as long as you’re impressed…”
“I am,” I murmured. “Always.”
I stayed with him until he fell asleep, watching his chest finally rise and fall in a calm, relaxed rhythm. Saw the tension seep out of his face. The worried creases in his brow smoothed out, and his mouth went slack as he snored quietly.
He was safe and at peace—for now. But if I stayed, how long would that really last?
I crept out of bed and headed down the hall to the kitchen, where his brothers sat around the table, talking quietly.
Bailey looked over at my approach, his face so young and vulnerable. “How is he?”
“Sleeping,” I said.
“Good. That’s best.”
“I’m so sorr—” I started, breaking off as my throat closed up and my eyes burned once more.
“It’s not your fault,” Gray said.
Emory had come in while I was in the bedroom. He hopped from his seat and enveloped me in a hug. “Shhh. It’s okay.”
I clung to him, sobbing into his shoulder. “It’s not okay,” I choked out. “My fault.”
“Those assholes aren’t your fault,” Axel said, his voice sharp. “They fucked with the wrong family, though, I’ll tell you that.”
I pulled back, wiping at my eyes. “Holden’s right. They’ll be back. And when they are, maybe I shouldn’t be here.”
“What are you saying?” Emory asked.
My heart wrenched. I didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to give up Holden. But that was just me being selfish. If it was better for me to go…
“Oh, hell no,” Axel said, obviously guessing at my train of thought. “Shut that shit down right now.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“Holden loves you. I’ve never seen him this happy before. You’re not walking out on him.”
“I don’t want to leave,” I protested. “But how else can I protect him from my fucking mess?”
“You can’t,” Axel said flatly. “It’s too late.”
“Axel’s right,” Gray said. “You’re part of Holden’s life now. Leaving will only hurt him.”
“I don’t want to hurt him,” I said quietly. “I love him.”
“Then stay,” Emory said. “Stay, and we’ll all be here for both of you.”
Guilt swamped me. “What if this happens again? Can I really risk that?”
Bailey had been quiet up till now. He looked me in the eye. “If you can’t handle it, you should leave now. Holden needs someone who will stand by him.”
His words hit me like a wrecking ball.
Destroying any resistance in me, not that there was much. I wanted to stay. I’d do anything to keep Holden.
Tears welled and spilled over. “I’d handle anything for him,” I insisted. “He’s everything to me.”
“Then you have your answer,” Emory said quietly. “Love him. Be there for him. And we’ll be here for both of you.”
“Okay.” Relief swept through me, and I collapsed into a chair. “I was just afraid it was selfish to stay. He’s only in pain because he protected me.” I picked up a napkin from the table and blotted my tears. “I really don’t want to lose him.”
“You don’t have to,” Bailey said. “When my brother decides to take care of you, it’s best not to fight it.”
I let out a watery laugh. Bailey was young, but damn, he was right.
Holden was a control freak to the end.
And I’d never loved him more.