Cosmic Castaway (Cosmic Romances #3)

21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

So awkward has a whole new level. Awesome.

Two days had passed since the kiss and licking session as well as my subsequent accidental finish, and we hadn’t left the shuttle once. I was leery about the possibility of the four-armed alien being out there, and Mindy probably was as well. Eventually, though, we’d have to go outside for water, food, and sunlight.

Also, the desperate need for space might drive us outside.

A palpable tension pulled between us anytime we were in the same room, which was often because this ship was the size of a fucking thimble. We couldn’t get away from each other. Neither of us talked much, my usual, but even Mindy was quiet. We seemed to be dancing around each other.

At night he held me close because we had to cuddle for warmth, but otherwise he’d stopped touching me. Had I bothered him with… what happened? Mindy had said it didn’t matter, but he might’ve lied.

As we were both avoiding each other as much as possible, Serlotminden spent most of his time in the cockpit, checking on the signal and working on who the hell knows what. I stayed in the tent. My shoulders ached; both were swollen and tender. The club had been too heavy for me to carry, let alone swing, and now, I was terrified I’d ripped something. I could move my arms, but they were stiff. I wouldn’t be able to move if I’d torn something truly important. Right? Honestly, I had no idea.

My back, hips, and ass were bruised to hell, not to mention my skinned chin and elbows. But I was alive. So that counted for something. Alive was great, and fine was fantastic, which I was.

Well… I wasn’t exactly fine.

The fucking kiss played through my mind on a loop, never leaving my thoughts. It had been good. That was the understatement of a lifetime. It had been perfect, revolutionary, searing. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Were kisses supposed to be like that? I had no frame of reference, so I wasn’t sure.

Beneath the memory, my emotions rolled. I didn’t understand them. At times I was sad. Serlotminden could never be with me. Then I was angry. Why did the kiss have to be that good if he was with someone else? Other emotions shifted through me, but they were harder to understand. One was impossibly soft and gentle, and scared the shit out of me, so I left it alone.

Instead of dealing with anything, I curled into a ball and did nothing. I tried to stay calm and logically think through the situation. The kiss had been marvelous, but it had been my first, so all of them might be like that. There was nothing to freak out about. The orgasm had been intense, burning through me. It shocked me that I’d come with what little friction I’d received from the blanket and his scaled tongue bathing my injuries.

Why had that turned me on as much as it had?

I banished the thought with cruel efficiency. I couldn’t afford to get an erection right now or cream my pants; Serlotminden might appear at any moment.

With a deep breath, I continued to rationalize my current situation. I’d get over this crush. People often had loads of crushes in their lifetime.

This, whatever this was, felt different than a simple crush, though. We held hands, snuggled, talked, laughed, and basically lived together. This was more, but I needed to not run away with my emotions.

Mindy was in a relationship. That wasn’t his fault or mine. Though he did act single. Licking couldn’t be a friend thing in his culture. That didn’t seem possible. Maybe he and this Dontilvynsan were in an open relationship? That meant we could be more, right?

It probably depended on their relationship, but was I okay with that? I’d never given much thought to whether I’d like to be in an open relationship or not. Sex, love, all of that had been a hazy maybe-in-the-future problem. Now, the future had met my present, and I didn’t know.

I liked Serlotminden. I would admit that. He was funny and sweet. He had this air about him that drew me in and made me want to stay next to him. I’d never met someone as magnetic as him. It was hella hot. Though I worried he didn’t think things through. He was asking for trouble half of the time, but perhaps I thought about things too much.

Like right now. Perhaps going along with what I desired, if Mindy was open to it, was the best thing, but at the same time, I wanted to contemplate the consequences. If we did start something physical, how would I feel when he returned to his boyfriend? When he was with both of us or him alone?

I frowned as something stabbed my heart. Yeah, I didn’t think I’d like that. Maybe open relationships weren’t for me.

Also, did I deserve to be happy? Did I deserve to be with Mindy when so many others were dead while I’d stood by and done nothing?

Footsteps sounded on the metal floor moments before the tent swished open, flooding the dark space with light. I swallowed as pressure built in my chest. I hadn’t spoken to him, and Mindy didn’t deserve my silence, but I couldn’t make myself say anything. Nerves, fear, self-loathing, and unnamed emotions strangled me.

I needed to be a fucking adult and have a real conversation with him. It wasn’t that hard. Open your mouth and fucking talk to him .

He lay next to me, not touching. “I fixed the lights.”

That explained why it was so much brighter. The lantern only illuminated so much.

“Bartholomew.” The blankets shifted. “I’m sorry. I messed up.”

No. He hadn’t. I took a deep breath and tried to say something, but the words clogged in my throat.

“Tell me what I need to do to fix this.”

Nothing, because he hadn’t made a mistake. Ask about Dontilvynsan , I screamed at myself. We needed to talk about our boundaries, or permissions, as he called them. That was all. All I needed to do was be a goddamn adult and talk.

“Please. I will fix this. I will do whatever you need to fix this,” Mindy said, practically begging.

Nothing came out. Literally nothing. How did I explain what I didn’t understand? The unfounded anger that my first kiss had been so mind-numbingly perfect, and that it was with someone I had no future with. The hurt that he was with someone else when he didn’t know I’d existed not that long ago. The soft hope that maybe he might choose me, which was completely unfair. The worry that I wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t deserve him.

I tightened my hold on my knees.

He moved as close to me as possible without touching me, but I felt the heat of him.

With a deep breath, I opened my mouth to calmly and logically discuss what we needed to do. “What about that Dontilvynsan?” I asked, voice harsh. Fuck. I hadn’t meant to say that. This was not fair to Serlotminden. None of this was.

“What?”

“That drakcol guy you're dating. Did I say his name wrong? What would he think about what happened between us?” I silently swore. I was screwing this up.

A half-laugh escaped him, and he started to talk, but I wouldn’t let him.

“I know I have no right to be mad, but I am,” I said. “I understand we’re friends, but… Shit, Mindy. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t think I want something just physical—not that you're offering. Maybe there’s a cultural difference happening between us, but it feels like you’ve been coming on to me. But you and that Don—” I cut off, unwilling to say his name, then sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m trying to figure everything out. I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad and embarrassed and frustrated with myself and that damn kiss.”

“Bartholomew, look at me please.” His beaming tone made me peek at him. He smiled so softly as his long hair hung around him like a cloud. He gently clasped my damaged chin, turning me all the way toward him. “Dontilvynsan and I are not courting.”

“I heard what he said.” God, I sounded like a jealous idiot, which I was. I was jealous of the drakcol that got to touch Serlotminden, who got to hear him laugh, to see him smile, or receive his concern.

“He’s my older brother, my Flower. He’s very protective of me. All of us, each of my brothers, are very protective of each other. They will stop at nothing to find me.”

My pulse picked up. “What?”

“He’s my older brother. Has that been bothering you?” He licked his lips, bending closer. “Is that why you were upset when you reached… happiness or satisfaction?”

I looked away, heat slamming my cheeks.

“I care about you, Bartholomew.”

“You said we were friends.” I hated the neediness in my voice.

“I didn’t understand my feelings. What are your feelings?”

Hope burned in my gut. Maybe…

Serlotminden leaned over me, hair tickling my cheeks. “I will respect it if you don’t like me, but my feelings are real. I care deeply about you, Teddy.” He smiled, but it was sad. “You’re not the only one who is jealous.”

“What?”

“Vince. You and he are a couple.”

My forehead crinkled. “No. We’re friends. That’s it. Why would you even think that?”

“Truly?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re unmated?”

I grunted. He certainly got to the point. “Yeah.”

“I wish to place my claim,” he said rapidly.

“What?”

He grinned. “I want to be your mate. I’ve been courting you in the hopes of us becoming mates.”

My mouth dropped open. “Y-you…Wh-what?”

“I want to keep you, or you can keep me. I’m not sure of the words. I have been courting you.” He grabbed my hand. “Like this. We have been dating,” he said slowly like he was unsure that was the correct word. “We are together.”

My thoughts went back over his insistence at taking care of me, how he held me, how he’d enjoyed my extreme concern over him. Had we been dating, and I hadn’t realized it? How was that even possible?

“You don’t know me,” I said.

“Which is why I wish to court you. But I know enough.”

“Serlotminden.” Had he actually thought this through? I didn’t want my heart broken.

He bent closer to me, hovering right over me. “You are perfect for me, and I will prove it if you let me.”

The soft, warm emotion returned in full force. I liked Serlotminden. A lot. It could be more than like, if I allowed it. My heart pounded, but fear laced each beat. When he found out about what I’d done, would he be mad? Mindy wasn’t one to watch others be hurt, be killed, and that was exactly what I’d done. If he changed his mind, I wouldn’t get over the rejection. I wouldn’t survive it, not intact. I’d never cared about anyone like this before, and Mindy was… Fuck, he was becoming my own goddamn soul.

Still, fear aside, hope remained, burning bright—hope that I deserved what he was offering. “I want to date you.”

He beamed. “Thank you.”

I shrugged, struggling to meet his earnest gaze.

Mindy dragged me into his arms, fingers slipping under my shirt. “I’m so happy. I will make you very happy, like me right now.”

I gave a breathy chuckle. “Will you?”

“Once we discuss permissions, I will satisfy you, even if it’s quick.”

A cough burst from my lips as heat rushed into my cheeks. “Please stop talking about it. I came too fast.”

Serlotminden frowned, lifting my chin. “I liked it.”

“You did?”

“It was… I’m lacking the words, but it was beautiful. I liked that you enjoyed my touch that much.”

I buried my face in his neck. “Hot. You thought it was hot.”

“Your satisfaction was very hot,” he said, and I blushed. If we were going to date, I was going to have to teach him better dirty talk.