Cotton (Hades Abyss MC #12)

Chapter One

Cotton

I sat on the edge of the bed, my hands clasped together so tightly my knuckles turned white. The pressure helped ground me, keeping me tethered to the present. The past threatened to suck me under, drag me back down to the dark place where sleep was nearly impossible. I’d come a long way in the last year, but the guilt still ate at me, gnawing at my insides until I thought I might explode from the pain. My head bowed, so I closed my eyes, resting my elbows on my knees.

No matter how much time passed, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself. Roe had told me more than once what happened wasn’t my fault. The demons in my head didn’t seem to care. Roe had been a victim. So had I. Knowing that hadn’t stopped me from thinking I could have done more, something to prevent what happened.

My brow furrowed, and my jaw clenched. The tension in my body made my muscles ache. Would I ever be able to let it go? Hell, would I ever want to? As the memories played in a continuous loop, I shifted on the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. When that didn’t help, I dragged my hand through my hair. The knots in my stomach made me nauseous. I hadn’t eaten much in the last few days. Seemed like the demon in my head had decided to visit.

Those memories could go fuck themselves. I knew I should get up, eat something, maybe hang out in the clubhouse. Except I couldn’t seem to make myself move. As I sat there, the edge of the bed digging into my ass, I stared at the room. Never needed a lot, but even this felt like it was closing in on me.

A few personal items dotted the room. Nothing too girly. I had a framed photo of Roe, something I probably should have put away. The book on my nightstand had been read so many times it was about to fall apart. Next chance I got, I’d order another one.

I peered down at my arm, my gaze snagging on the US Navy-themed ink. Remembering my time back then wasn’t always easy. The weight of what I’d done sometimes kept me awake, but those memories? They were easier to live with than what happened a year ago.

When I turned my head, I caught a glimpse of the photo. My chest tightened, and I forced myself to look away. Once I’d found out where Roe was living, I’d tried to let it all go… the guilt mostly. Thinking about her didn’t help. Roe had moved on, gotten married. She didn’t need me to protect her, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to make sure she was always safe. Not like I could help her if shit ever hit the fan. I’d been fucking useless that night.

I pushed to my feet and paced the room. After I made my third or fourth round, I sat on the edge of the bed again with a sigh. The tension in my shoulders was back, and I knew no matter how tired I was, sleep would evade me. I rubbed at my chest, wishing the ache sitting right behind my sternum would ease.

The silence didn’t help. If anything, it made things worse. I could hear every creak of the floorboards as I moved. Even my sighs sounded loud in the otherwise empty space. Maybe I needed to get back to work. Sitting on my ass around the house hadn’t done me any favors. I still hadn’t worked up the nerve to hunt down a woman to scratch my itch. Did I even have an itch anymore? It should have been impossible for me to go this long without pussy. I hadn’t had sex since…

I buried my face in my hands and inhaled deeply, then slowly blew it out. Despite how much I didn’t want to admit it, guilt pressed in on me. The same guilt that kept me from wanting to find someone. The same guilt that ate at me every day.

I straightened and lifted my head. I’d been the victim of a crime. So had Roe. The club hadn’t blamed me, and they’d let me stay without any questions. Don’t know what I’d have done without them.

Would there ever come a time I could think of Roe without pain piercing my chest? If I’d known the drinks were drugged, that she wasn’t willing, I’d have never touched her. But I couldn’t change the past.

My phone rang, and I jumped, startled out of my thoughts. I reached for it, my hand hesitating. My jaw tightened when I spied Bear’s name on the screen. “Yeah?”

“Think you can join us for a drink at the clubhouse?” Bear’s gruff voice came through the speaker. “We’re going to shoot some pool, maybe play some cards.”

I didn’t say anything. Hell, I didn’t know what to say. On the one hand, I could use a drink. On the other, what good was a beer if I couldn’t stop thinking about Roe?

“We’re worried about you. Don’t want to push, but you’ve been cooped up in that house for a long damn time. Might do you some good to hang out for a little while.” Bear’s tone softened, enough I knew he meant the words.

I ran a hand through my hair and rested it on the back of my neck. “You’re offering to babysit me?”

Bear snorted. “The fuck we are. I’m saying we need one more guy for a proper poker game and you’re it. If you want to drink a beer or shoot a game of pool while you’re at it, so be it.” He huffed out a breath. “It’s not babysitting. It’s called spending time with your brothers.”

“I don’t think I --”

“Don’t give me that. If you didn’t want company, you wouldn’t still be with us. You could have moved on. Instead, you stayed. That means you’re still one of us, and you need to get your ass over here. Don’t make me come find you.”

A smile tugged at my lips, but it felt rusty. How long since I’d genuinely smiled? “Fine. I’ll be there in a couple minutes.”

“Good. I’m going to set the table up. Don’t keep us waiting long,” he warned as he hung up.

I stared at Roe’s photo one more time. I kissed the tips of my fingers and pressed them to the glass. “Maybe someday you’ll be out of my head. Until then, I guess I’m just going through the motions.” I nodded to myself and headed to the clubhouse.

As I stepped through the doors, the sounds of my brothers’ laughter, clinking beer bottles, the scent of leather pulled me in. I paused just inside the entrance and took a deep breath. Biker life. My life . Why was I having a hard time reminding myself of that? I let my breath out slowly as I surveyed the room.

Some of the guys were shooting pool. The old, worn-down pool table had seen better days. Fox had found it at a garage sale and brought it here a few months ago. Now that we didn’t have women at the clubhouse, it was a nice addition. With all the families around here, things seemed to constantly change. For the better in all honesty.

Bear came toward me and lifted a beer in my direction. I hesitated and then reached out and took it. He didn’t say anything, just gave me a nod. Fangs walked over and slapped me on the back.

“Good to see you out and about, brother. You clean up all right.” He gave me a crooked grin. “Glad you joined us.”

I handled the beer, my fingers curling around the bottle. I took a few steps into the room before I froze. I forced a smile that felt more like a grimace.

It didn’t take long before everyone made it a point to come over and say something to me. My brothers didn’t blame me for what had happened, and they did their best to make sure I knew that every day. Even after Roe left. While that support should have made me feel better, it hadn’t. Because I blamed myself.

After a few minutes, I relaxed a bit more. Or maybe the beer helped. I felt like I’d been pushed out of my comfort zone. Had it ever really been my comfort zone? I stood near the bar with Bear and leaned against it. He didn’t say anything, just stayed with me. His not-so-subtle way of letting me know he’d probably kick my ass if I tried to flee. Damnit. All I wanted to do was go back home. I’d promised to play poker, though. I might just get my ass kicked in the game, but I’d keep my word.

Maybe I could make an excuse and leave soon. I was probably a downer. Instead of pitching a fit, they’d decided to make me the guest of honor. I tried to keep the scowl off my face but didn’t know how successful I’d been.

I felt like I had a noose around my neck, and Bear was tightening it when he put his arm around my shoulders. He gave me what he probably thought was an understanding look.

My fingers squeezed around my beer bottle, my knuckles turning white. I didn’t have to look to know Bear would see it.

Bear’s grip on my shoulder added a little more pressure. I didn’t try to shrug him off. My big bro wasn’t one of the most patient of men. If I did anything to upset him, he’d speechify, and I’d never be able to get away. Instead, I stared at the floor. Why was I having a hard time remembering what it felt like to have fun?

Bear cleared his throat, and I glanced at him. The older man’s brown eyes held more than a hint of concern. His voice was gruff when he spoke. “You’ve punished yourself long enough, Cotton. Time to let go of the shit in your past. It ain’t your fault. None of that shit was.”

I clenched my jaw and turned away.

“It’s been over a year,” Bear said. “I know what you went through wasn’t easy, but no one blames you -- except you. Sometimes, you need to say fuck it and move on. Not for the club. For yourself.”

I shrugged. “Easier said than done.”

His hand dropped away from my shoulder, but only so he could spin me around. He pulled me in for a bear hug. Despite his age, the man’s grip was still plenty firm. He let go and leveled a look in my direction.

“If you missed Roe so much, you’d have gone after her.” Bear folded his arms over his chest and studied me. “That’s not what keeps you up at night. You’re carrying guilt that’s not yours to carry. You understand?”

Yeah, I did. Didn’t mean it made a damn bit of difference. The only thing that had kept me going after that shit went down was Roe. I’d made sure she was okay. I knew she didn’t want me, and if I tried to see her, it would be hell on the both of us. Maybe I did need to move on. It still didn’t make it easy.

I could see the concern on Bear’s face. He wasn’t my dad, but he was the closest thing I had to one. When I’d joined Hades Abyss, he’d taken me under his wing. I knew he still blamed himself for what happened, same as me.

“You keep beating yourself up, and you’ll be one of those guys who wastes away in his room. You gonna let shit keep you down? Or you gonna get off your ass and start living again?”

Did I have a choice? I didn’t think anyone would care if I did waste away. No one other than my brothers. “I’ve always appreciated all you’ve done for me. Even now.”

He gave me a slight smile. “I know, Cotton. But you’re still gonna move on. One way or another. You give me trouble, I’ll help you out of that fucking house and find you something to do. Understand?”

Didn’t sound like I had much of a choice.

“Now, stop with the puppy dog eyes and drink your beer,” Bear said. “Time for you to live a little. We love you, brother. It’s why we don’t want to see you like this.”

I gave a slight nod. Even if I agreed with him, I didn’t know how to shake this shit. Maybe I never would. Some days were easier than others.

I stared down at my beer, my fingers drumming lightly on the bottle. The glass sweat and the puddle spread on the bar top. I heard the others around me, but I couldn’t make myself join them. I stayed tense and withdrawn. If I forced myself to smile and act like nothing was wrong, would they believe me?

“I can’t wait to see everyone again,” Fangs said. I didn’t mean to, but my ears perked up, and I inched a little closer. “It’s been way too long. You think they’ll have the bull riding this time?”

“Hard to say,” Hornet said. “I know last time they tried, too many people had flashed their phones around. A few of the girls were halfway naked after they got thrown off the bull.”

My lips twitched. It sounded like they’d had fun. I kept listening, their voices carrying over the rest of the clubhouse noise. I realized I was leaning toward them and jerked myself back. I stared hard at my beer, determined to ignore them. That resolve lasted all of three seconds.

I peeked their way.

“I heard Smoke will be there,” Fangs said. “He usually has some kickass weed. Way better than the shit you get around here.”

Hornet chuckled. “You only go for the drugs. You could care less about seeing anyone.”

“Guilty.” Fangs glanced my way and grinned. “You’re more than welcome to tag along, Cotton. We’re leaving in the morning.”

I wanted to refuse. My mouth opened and closed. I saw the concern in both their eyes. Since they’d joined up, Hornet and Fangs had been good friends. We might be different in age, but the same things drew us to this life.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure I can find something…” I paused. “Are you going out of town?”

“Yeah. Why? You thinking of coming?” Hornet asked.

Why did everyone worry so much about me? I appreciated it, but it made me feel a little stifled. I knew they didn’t mean to. They were good men.

“Where are you going?” I asked. “What’s this gathering?”

“Not that far. Just a few hours. Bunch of us used to meet up once a month on someone’s property, have a big party. We’d have a bull ride, sometimes a wet T-shirt contest, stuff like that. Nothing like a biker gathering. Just a bunch of friends.” Fangs grinned. “You wouldn’t have to worry about putting on your colors. We all pretended to be normal for a little while.”

I arched an eyebrow. “You? Pretended to be normal?”

“Shocking, I know. You’ll have fun. Not sure why we stopped going. The property is so remote, no one shows up who isn’t supposed to be there. I guess when we joined Hades Abyss, we thought it was cutting ties or something. I’ve stayed in touch with a few of them, though. It’ll be interesting to see who shows.”

Again, they looked at me waiting for a response. They really wanted me to tag along. I hated to burst their bubble. I didn’t do groups. Especially with a bunch of strangers.

“What’s got you so curious?” Fangs asked. “You’ve been holed up in your house for so long, I’m amazed Bear got you out tonight.”

“Can’t say I had much choice.” I took a long pull from my beer. “Guess Bear thought I’d have fun if I joined everyone.”

“Don’t get all worked up over the mention of weed.” Hornet scowled. “Weed’s fucking legal in some states, and even if it wasn’t, you know no one here cares. It’s not like you’re shooting up. Besides, you always have to be in control. I don’t see you letting loose enough to get stoned.”

Had he called me a stick-in-the-mud? I glanced between them, seeing the faint challenge in Hornet’s eyes. He didn’t think I’d go with them. Damn my hide, I wanted to prove him wrong. I shouldn’t let him bait me like that.

I stood and set my beer on the bar. “What time we leaving?”

Fangs whooped. “Better get us a case of beer for our trip. Cotton’s coming with us!”

Hornet laughed. “You’re gonna need some caffeine too. I don’t want you falling asleep on us. I’m not leaving early in the morning, or riding a few hours to a party, for you to get there and not have a good time. You understand me?”

“Yeah, Hornet. I understand.” I rolled my eyes. They’d mother hen me to death before the night ended.

I might have an extra beer, and maybe a few shots. It’d been a long time since I’d gone anywhere the way I was. Maybe because I hadn’t wanted a pity party. He’d thrown down the gauntlet, and I’d decided to pick it up.

Here’s hoping I didn’t regret it.

I leaned against the bar and stared at my beer, trying to block out the noise of the laughter and loud conversation. Usually, I was one of the first to join in, but since Roe, I’d been lost to my thoughts. Regret and guilt ate at me until I didn’t know how much more I could take. If Roe could move on and find some happiness, why couldn’t I? I rubbed my chest, wishing the ache would ease.

I’d stayed a while longer before I made my way home. Thinking about the getaway with Fangs and Hornet, I pulled out my duffle bag. What the hell did I need to pack? I’d no sooner sprawled across my bed than the phone rang. I’d know that ringtone anywhere… Tyler. While I’d been in the Navy, Tyler had become a good friend. I hadn’t seen him in years. I’d been so broken after my last deployment that I’d not been in the mood to keep up with anyone. I’d gone home with my tail tucked between my legs.

Maybe I shouldn’t answer. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to anyone right now, but curiosity and something else got the better of me, and I reached for the phone before the call could go to voicemail.

“What’s up, Tyler?” I asked.

“Caine! Man, you really dropped off the face of the earth, didn’t you? I heard rumors you went back to the motorcycle club. How’s that going for you?” he asked, his tone full of enthusiasm.

“It’s all right. How’ve you been?”

“Good. Really good. I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out this weekend. Me and some others from the old group are meeting up. I’d love to have you come. I know they’d be happy to see you too. Have some people you haven’t met yet too. Maybe you’ll make some new friends.”

“When and where?”

“About three hours from you. You know that old church camp? They went under about ten years ago. The property was bought by a buddy of mine. We’re having a party there. Be lots of booze, music, and good times. One of the buildings has a full kitchen and we’re using the extra rooms as bedrooms and a living room type of space. What do you say?” Tyler asked.

Would it be so bad to see my old friends? Fangs and Hornet would understand. Maybe Tyler and the others would help me forget for a while. “Fine, but I’m only staying the weekend.”

“Hell yeah, man! I’ll let the others know. Since you went back to your club, I take it means you’re still riding.”

“Yeah. I’ll be taking my bike, so I’ll see you tomorrow evening,” I said.

We ended the call, and I shot off a text to Hornet letting him know I had other plans before I set my phone aside and started to pack my bag. My heart thudded faster, and despite my hesitation, I wanted to relive my glory days. If I could somehow feel even a quarter of the happiness I’d felt back then, it’d be worth the trip. I didn’t need Fangs and Hornet’s friends. I had my own. To be honest, the thought of seeing Tyler again had me feeling lighter than I had in months. The only other thing I needed was a plan to keep busy. If I let my mind wander, it would only drag me back into the past.

I lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling, letting my mind drift to old friends, good times, and what would be waiting for me. Those guys had seen me at my best… and worst. If anyone would understand what I’d been through, it would be them.

Would Roe want me to keep punishing myself? I doubted it. Then again, she and her husband were probably blissfully happy she’d made it out of all that mess and was now in his arms. I should be happy for her. She wouldn’t be with an asshole who’d mistreat her, so I was sure she’d have a good life. I just didn’t know how to let go.

I rolled to my side to turn out the light, giving my bag a long look before I settled. Fangs and Hornet had a good idea. I just thought mine might be better.

* * *

My gaze went to my phone. Tyler’s call had lifted a weight off my chest, one I hadn’t even realized had been there. The thought of seeing him and my other buddies from the Navy had me feeling more than I had in forever. The alcohol would flow freely. Hell, maybe I’d actually have a good time. Been a while since I’d found anything enjoyable.

Tyler and my friends had seen me go from happy, to devastated, to angry, and finally to dead inside. There’d been something good in all those memories of hanging with Tyler and my Navy buddies, and I hoped I’d find it again. I needed to connect to those who’d known me before my life had gone to shit.

I picked up my bag and slung the strap over my shoulder. I’d do what I needed to move on. Even if it meant making some bad decisions this weekend. They couldn’t possibly be worse than all the ones I’d made in the last year. I’d find some peace and let go of the guilt. No matter what it took.

I’d have a good time this weekend. If I couldn’t get a fresh start by Monday morning, maybe I’d go on a road trip. This weekend would either remind me of what I’d lost, or show me how to make a change and move forward. I hoped for the second one. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to run from the past instead of face it.

I cast one last glance around my room. I’d put off leaving until the last moment. Once I had the bag strapped to my bike, I’d be ready to roll out. I didn’t know if I’d find what I needed this weekend or not, but I wouldn’t know unless I went.

I threw my leg over my motorcycle, feeling the familiar weight of the machine beneath me. The engine roared to life, startling a few birds in the nearby trees. Before I took off, I sent a text to Fox letting him know I’d be out of town for a few days. Last thing I needed was the Pres to come looking for me and find out I’d left without telling anyone. I rolled through the gates, the thrill of the ride surging through me as I cranked back the throttle a little. The vibration of my bike settled my nerves, and I breathed a little easier. I rolled out, the wind hitting me in the face, the engine loud in my ears. I followed the curves of the road, feeling the gentle sway of my bike as I wove through the hills. The scents of pine trees and clean air filled my lungs.

My troubles began to melt away with each mile I traveled. The rhythm of the ride blasted the dark thoughts from my mind, leaving me with only the sight of the road. I scanned the area, checking for any potential hazards, then did a quick check over my bike’s mirror.

Staring at the landscape as it whizzed by, I let my thoughts drift to the past. The new start I wanted was within my grasp. Nothing would change if I didn’t take the first step. I couldn’t do the same things over and over, expecting different results. Wasn’t that one of the signs of insanity? However, I hadn’t been sane in a long-ass time. The open road seemed like a good metaphor for my journey. A way to leave the past behind and aim for a better tomorrow.

The closer I got to the destination, the more anticipation coursed through me. My stomach twisted and turned, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. It had been a long time since I’d looked forward to anything. The prospect of seeing Tyler again had a grin stretching my lips. I found I didn’t need a woman to start over. I just needed my club brothers, and the road. The wind in my hair helped soothe my soul, and I savored the last few miles I had to go.

The sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky in deep shades of orange and pink. As I approached the destination, I spotted the camp up ahead.

Seeing all the vehicles parked outside, I wondered how many people Tyler had invited. From what he’d said, I knew it would be more than a few, but this seemed almost like more than I could handle right now. I hadn’t realized this many of the guys lived nearby. Maybe they’d come from other states. Hell, for all I knew, they’d come from other countries. And my stomach churned again. What the hell did I have to gain from this? Was it too late to change my mind?

As I pulled to a stop, Tyler came outside, a big smile on his face. The lines pulled a little too tight around his mouth, and his smile didn’t reach his eyes. But it was the first time I’d ever seen him attempt a smile. It seemed… off, and I wondered what was going on with him. My neck prickled with unease. This was just a regular party, right? Tyler hadn’t gotten into something bad, had he? Christ. I was starting to think it would have been best to decline his invitation. I didn’t know why he’d reached out so suddenly anyway. I’d assumed it was because he would be nearby, but what if it was something else?

Leaving the bag on my bike, I stood and waited for him. I’d come back for my things after I took stock of the situation. Hell, Tyler might even have someone handling that sort of thing. Wouldn’t be the first time. The other guys stepped out behind Tyler. I recognized a few from my time in the Navy. Some I’d only briefly met.

“Caine! Glad you made it.” Tyler held out his hand, and I gave it a firm shake. “Guys, look who it is. Green Caine.”

“Cotton,” I said.

He smiled at the guys. “Right. Cotton.”

Hank stepped forward, holding out his hand. The huge mass of muscle that stood there bore little resemblance to the guy I’d served with. Not that he was lean before, but now he looked like someone who had spent a hell of a lot of time at the gym. I shook his hand, then accepted the back slap from him and the others. Each one greeted me in their own way.

As we stood on the porch, I noticed a few things. The first had been the hushed tones inside. Or maybe the way so many guys stood apart. Small groups were scattered around the room. One man laughed just a little too loudly. Tyler had called this a party, but… I got a strange feeling. My gut said something else was going on.

Tyler showed me a smile, not the strained one from before but one with a hint of pleasure.

“Come on in. Meet everyone who’s shown up so far.”

I followed Tyler into the building. He led me to a chair near the back. I settled and glanced around the room, taking in the dark paneling. Something told me this place saw more action than it should. Couldn’t say what made me think that. I’d been feeling uneasy since I got here, and it was only getting worse.

“You don’t have to be here,” Tyler said. “If you decide to leave, I won’t hold it against you.”

“Can I ask you something?”

He nodded.

“What are you running from?” I held his gaze. “You don’t invite this many people at once unless you’re distracting yourself. Even then, this seems… a bit much. I’ve been to your parties before. They weren’t like this.”

He huffed out a breath and leaned back in his chair. “Myself. The past. Both of those things. Doesn’t seem to matter where I go, I can’t escape either one. Thought I could face things if I had a beer or two with my friends. Figured I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.”

“How long are you staying?” Hank asked.

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Got a feeling I’ll leave after the weekend. You?”

“Not long enough.” Hank’s gaze met mine, and the haunted look in his eyes caught me off guard. I’d seen too many people with that expression. “Sure, I’ll get a night or two of sleep, but it won’t change anything. Nothing will,” Hank said. He turned to face Tyler. “You mind if I go for a ride?”

Tyler waved him off. “Don’t see why not. Just don’t stay gone too long.”

He nodded and stood. His gaze collided with mine again. “Coming?”

Something made me pause and I shook my head. There was a feeling I couldn’t place. A pricking at my neck. Something didn’t feel right about this getaway -- or Tyler. I sat back and watched him. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something weird about everything. For one thing, this didn’t feel like friends coming together to hang out. Why had Hank asked Tyler for permission to go somewhere? It was weird as fuck and didn’t make a lick of sense.

While the others settled in, I grabbed an old chair and sat in a corner. The doors opened and closed again. I didn’t pay much attention to the latest arrival until a flash of strawberry-blonde hair caught my eye. A woman stood in the doorway. Did she expect trouble? I lowered my gaze to her hands, noticing the way she twisted her fingers together. Nervous? Scared? I wasn’t sure which. Or maybe she didn’t know what to expect. I glanced at her again, from the corner of my eye. There was no ring on her finger, but she was young. Too young for me. Right?

I finished my beer and tossed the empty bottle into the trash. Moving closer to the makeshift bar, I waited to see if Strawberry would step up to get a drink. I hadn’t thought about women much since Roe.

The woman glanced around nervously. Her gaze met mine for a brief moment before she lowered her head and looked at the floor. I’d seen women like her more than once. Someone had broken her. What would it take to find out what made her so jumpy?

Tyler might be an ass at times, but I couldn’t fathom him hurting a woman. Was she here with someone else? I didn’t see any other women here. I hated to admit it, but I might need to keep an eye on her. At least until I figured out what felt so wrong about this situation.