Chapter 9
Jillian parked her Ford in front of CJ’s home, excitement over spending the day with him filling her chest with warmth. He stepped out of the front door and jogged down the steps, Sadie at his side, and her heart fluttered. He looked so sexy and handsome that he took her breath away. She hadn’t realized just how much she’d missed him until that moment.
He’d had a busy week since Grandpa Daniel’s birthday party, and he hadn’t had time to come into town to go out to lunch like he usually did. Today was the first chance they’d had to spend time together since the party.
CJ reached her door and opened it before Jillian could. “Hello, beautiful.” He took her hand, helped her out of her SUV, and looked down at her, the corners of his mouth turned up in a sensual smile.
“Hi,” she said breathlessly before he embraced her and lowered his mouth to hers. He took his time, moving his lips over hers, then sliding his tongue between her lips, and kissing her until her mind spun.
He drew back and held her gaze. “I’m glad you could make it out today.”
“I’ve been looking forward to it all week.” She stepped aside as he shut the SUV’s door behind her. “Time is passing by much too quickly, yet it never seems fast enough when it comes to spending time with you.”
“I don’t like going so long without seeing you.” He stood in front of her, studying her, and pushed hair away from her face and behind her ear with his fingers. “One weekend soon, you’ll need to get someone to cover for you so that I can whisk you away to get you all to myself for more than just a day at a time.”
“I like that idea.” Her words came out husky, and she wondered if she sounded as wanton to him as she did to herself. “But give me a few more weeks. I need to train my staff and make sure everything is running smoothly before I take a whole weekend off.”
“I understand.” The corner of his mouth quirked. “That doesn’t mean I have to be patient about it.”
Jillian laughed, then crouched and greeted the puppy, who licked her nose and caused her to giggle. She got to her feet. “Sadie has gotten so big.”
CJ looked fondly at the Aussie. “She’s grown so fast I have a hard time remembering what she looked like when I got her.”
Jillian opened the rear door of her SUV and gestured to the two pizza boxes on the back seat. “I’ve had to smell these all the way out here, and I’m starving.”
He grabbed the boxes and shut the vehicle’s door before heading to the house, keeping his strides shorter so she could keep up. Smells of ham and pineapple from one pizza and sausage and pepperoni from the other accompanied them.
The screen door squawked as CJ opened it and held it wide so that Jillian and Sadie could precede him.
Jillian felt comfortable in his home, which he’d furnished in a mixture of southwestern and Native American décor. Over the past several weeks, he’d redecorated, reminding her more and more of a hunting lodge where one would snuggle up while a snowstorm raged outside. Considering they were in Central Arizona, not too far removed from Phoenix, a snowstorm would be rare indeed. But they could snuggle up on a rainy day, and that was just as good.
His kitchen was old-fashioned but filled with all the necessary modern conveniences. He set the pizza boxes on the kitchen island, where he’d already placed a pizza cutter on the butcher block surface.
She opened one of the boxes to reveal the Hawaiian pizza. “Do you cook much for yourself?”
He shrugged as he took a couple of plates out of a cabinet. “I usually keep it simple for myself. In the service, I didn’t do much entertaining.”
She smiled at him. “And then it was probably pizza and beer for the boys?”
“And female Airmen who joined us as well.” He cast her a grin. “I ordered plenty of pizzas just for myself, too.”
Jillian nodded. “I like to cook, but Leeann prefers to do ours. I think it’s another way for her to be creative, so I don’t argue.” Jillian sighed as she leaned her hip against a counter. “As tired as I’ve been after work since opening the store, I’m truly thrilled she’s been taking care of it all.”
He gestured to the pizzas. “Which do you prefer?”
“Pineapple and ham is my favorite, so two of those.” She moved to the fridge. “Beer?”
“Yep. I have a six-pack chilled and ready.” He loaded one plate with two slices of Hawaiian, then slid three slices of pepperoni and sausage onto his own plate. “Crushed red pepper and parmesan?”
Jillian grabbed a couple of cans of beer. “Plenty of both.”
CJ shook liberal amounts of the peppers and parmesan on all slices. Jillian tore off two paper towels from a roll and folded them to use as napkins. Sadie trotted at her heels as she carried them with the beer to CJ’s TV room in the back of the house.
It was a comfortable room in earth tones and rich oak furnishings, with two overstuffed recliners and a comfy couch. The TV room furniture was a little scuffed but in good condition, unlike the front room furniture, which was brand new. Sadie curled up in a doggie bed near the base of the eighty-five-inch screen TV.
CJ and Jillian sat close on the couch, and CJ stretched out his legs beneath the coffee table. He turned on the TV and switched channels to the Arizona vs San Diego Padres pregame show. The game was in San Diego, so the Diamondbacks would be first up to bat.
Sitting so close to CJ on the couch felt comfortable as their bodies touched from their thighs to their shoulders. Jillian had never felt so completely at ease with a man, and her heart had never felt so full.
“The Diamondbacks are starting out so well now that we’re into the regular season.” Jillian picked up a slice of Hawaiian as CJ took a slug of beer. “It would be great if they make it all the way to the World Series again.”
He set down his beer. “And even better if they don’t choke this time.”
Jillian nodded as she chewed her bite. She swallowed and followed that with a drink of beer. “With us cheering them on together, how can they lose?”
“Of course.” CJ chuckled. “Our fandom makes the difference.”
They munched on their pizza while enjoying the baseball game. Jillian didn’t know if she’d ever felt so relaxed or content. She was keenly aware of him next to her, and during lulls in the game, she couldn’t help but wish she was in his lap kissing him, everything else bedamned.
As the game went on, they were up and down in their seats, cheering for good plays and shouting at the refs for bad calls.
One play after another grew more intense when they reached the ninth inning, and they were both on the edge of their seats, the score tied three to three. With two outs, the Diamondbacks hit a one-run base hit to take the lead before striking out.
The bottom of the ninth with the Padres at-bat was a nail-biter. Their big hitter sent what looked like a home run to the back wall. A Diamondback’s outfielder jumped impossibly high, his hand stretched out, and he caught the ball with the tip of his glove for a hard-won out and for the win.
CJ and Jillian jumped to their feet, cheering and high-fiving. Then, with the sound of hyped-up commentators in the background, CJ took Jillian into his arms and kissed her.
The kiss was as intense as the moment, and she answered it with all the excitement she’d been feeling—but the excitement of being in his arms meant more than the entire game.
The kiss continued until her mind spun, and she felt breathless and dizzy, her skin flushed and warm. At that moment, she knew she was ready to take their relationship further. She didn’t want to waste a second more to know him in the most intimate way a woman could know a man.
When they finally parted, his eyes looked impossibly dark, his chest rising and falling as much as hers. His throat worked as he visibly swallowed. “Jillian.” Her name came out as a husky croak.
She pressed her body tightly to his. “Yes.” She put into that word all the meaning she could. Yes, I’m ready. Yes, I want you. But she couldn’t quite get all the words out.
His expression clouded, which took her aback. “I need to talk with you.”
She searched his gaze, wondering why he suddenly looked so serious.
Before she could respond, her cell phone rang. She hesitated, not wanting CJ to think she’d put a call before him. But he gave her a nod and a decisive, “Take it.”
She looked at the screen and saw that it was her mother. She answered the phone with, “Hi, Mom.”
“Jill, honey.” Her mom sounded like her words were choked. “It’s Grandpa Daniel. He’s in the hospital, and it doesn’t look good. You should come now.”
Jillian felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over her. “Not Grandpa.” She clenched the phone tighter. “King Creek Hospital?”
“Yes.”
“I’m on my way.” Jillian disconnected the call and met CJ’s gaze, her face frozen. “It’s my grandpa. He’s in the hospital.”
“I’ll take you.” CJ wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they hurried to the kitchen, where she grabbed her purse.
Sadie followed them, and CJ put her in her kennel since she was still just a puppy, and he made sure she had water.
Jillian felt the urge to run as fast as she could to get away from the fear and the pain. He had lived a good, long life, but as irrational as the thought was, she’d felt like he would be here forever.
They went in CJ’s truck. She didn’t feel like talking on the drive to the hospital, a ball of dread firmly lodged in her throat, and CJ remained quiet, too.
When they got to the hospital, CJ escorted her through the front entrance and to the information desk. The receptionist looked up her grandfather’s name and told them what room he was in.
CJ didn’t have to shorten his stride because Jillian hurried the entire way. When they reached Grandpa’s room, she came to a full stop, afraid to go in.
Jillian couldn’t move until CJ rested his palm on her shoulder. “Are you all right?”
She shook her head, fighting back tears. She’d known the day would come, but that didn’t make it any easier.
CJ squeezed her shoulder, then guided her in through the open door.
Her parents, Joe and Julie McLeod, were at Grandpa’s side, and her dad’s face was etched with concern. Her mom was pale as she got up from the chair beside the bed.
“You’re the first to arrive.” Julie beckoned her in. “Grandpa has been asking for you, but he’s asleep now.”
Jillian felt like she was slogging through mud as she forced herself forward. She eased into the chair and took her grandfather’s cold hand in hers.
His eyelids fluttered, and he turned his head and looked at her. “Pumpkin, there you are.” His voice rasped like sandpaper on wood.
The backs of Jillian’s eyelids prickled as she struggled not to cry. She gripped his hand tighter. “Hi, Grandpa.”
“I’m not long for this world, my girl.” He spoke slowly as if he was struggling to speak. “I’m glad I have the chance to tell you how proud I am of you and how much I love you.”
“You mean so much to me.” Jillian couldn’t help the tears that now flowed freely down her cheeks. “I love you, Grandpa.”
He gripped her hand as he looked up at CJ. “Young man, take care of my girl.”
CJ moved closer and rested his palm on Jillian’s shoulder. “I will, sir.”
Grandpa smiled weakly. “I’ll go easier knowing she has someone who loves her like I do.”
Jillian stiffened, her scalp prickling as she avoided looking at CJ and kept her gaze on her grandfather.
“Yes, sir,” CJ said in a low but confident tone and gripped Jillian’s shoulder tighter.
Did he really love her, or was he just telling an old man on his deathbed what he wanted to hear?
Her throat worked as she swallowed. “I don’t want you to go, Grandpa.”
He reached over with his other hand, which was attached to the IV, and he patted the top of hers. “I’ve lived a good, long life, pumpkin. I’m going to see your Grandma Francis soon. I have sorely missed her.”
Jillian nodded as tears rolled down her cheeks and onto her shirt. “Tell her hello for me.”
He patted her hand again. “I will.”
The sound of voices came from behind Jillian, and she looked up to see Haylee, Leeann, Brady, and Carter slipping into the room.
Jillian squeezed Grandpa’s hand. “I love you,” she said again, and he smiled.
She got up from the chair and let her siblings say their goodbyes. Justin, Colt, and Bear soon followed. Their spouses stayed outside the room, and she realized CJ had left, too.
Bear was the last to hold Grandpa’s hand, and he swept his gaze around, looking at all the faces of his loved ones. “I love you all,” he said before closing his eyes, his face going slack.
The heart monitor flatlined and made a piercing noise.
Jillian stared at him, willing him to open his eyes and speak again, proving the heart monitor to be wrong. But he didn’t move, and his chest had stopped rising and falling.
A nurse came in and turned off the monitor. She took Grandpa’s wrist and held it before looking at the clock. She lowered his hand and rested it on the bed. “He’s gone.”
A scream rose up within Jillian, and she wanted to shout at them to start his heart pumping again. But he’d told the family long ago that he had a DNR and was not to be resuscitated when the time came.
She suddenly couldn’t breathe. She pushed her way through her family members and outside the room and strode down the hallway as fast as she could, needing air and time to pull herself together. She reached the double doors to the waiting room before realizing CJ was at her side.
He took her hand, and she turned to face him, tears pouring, her chest aching as if someone had knocked the wind out of her. “I can’t believe he’s gone.” Her words came out in a near whisper. “I’ve always felt like he’d be around forever.”
CJ took her into his embrace and held her to him as her body shook with sobs. He spoke in a low, soothing tone. “He’ll always be with you, Jillian. He’ll always be in your heart.”
She tipped her head back to look at him. “How do you move on from so much pain?”
He gave her a gentle smile. “You don’t move on. You move forward, taking him and your memories with you.”
She rested her head against his chest, trying to control her tears. “I’m going to miss him so much.”
“It’ll take a while, but eventually, it will get easier.” CJ slowly rubbed her back. “Trust me. I’ve lost my mom and my dad. I wish I could have said goodbye to them, but I was far away when each of them passed.”
Jillian let out a long, shuddering sigh. “At least I got to tell him I love him before he was gone.”
CJ stroked her hair. “And you got to hear him tell you how much he loved you.”
She nodded and realized his shirt was partially damp from her tears. She looked up at him again. “I want to go somewhere. I don’t want—I don’t want to see him when he’s not really there anymore.” Her throat worked. “I don’t know if they’ll understand why I’m leaving.”
“I think they will.” He slid his fingers through her hair again. “But if you want to go back and let them know, we can do that.”
She looked over her shoulder at the crowd now outside Grandpa’s room, then back to CJ. “No, I just want to go.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and led her through the double doors, and the waiting room, then down the hall, past the receptionist, and out to his truck.
They drove to Founders Park, and once they’d left his vehicle, they walked hand-in-hand to the kids’ playground. Jillian sat on one of the swings and gripped the cool chains to either side of her. She slowly moved back and forth, not swinging, her feet dragging through the dirt, lost in thought and memory.
After a while, she looked up to see CJ leaning against one of the swing set’s poles, watching her. The day was warm, but a cool breeze smelling of grass and spring blossoms caught her hair and blew it across her face. She brushed it away with her fingers.
“I was sad when we lost Grandma Francis a couple of years ago,” she said quietly. “I don’t know why, but it didn’t hit me as hard as Grandpa’s death.” Tears pricked her eyes again. “Maybe I do. I loved Grandma, but I was much closer to Grandpa. We talked on the phone fairly often, and I went out to their ranch to visit with him, especially after Grandma passed away.”
CJ listened, his gaze focused on hers. “From what he said, I think he felt the same closeness to you.”
She nodded slowly. “I know my siblings love him as much as I do, but I spent more time with him than anyone else, except maybe for my dad.” She smiled wistfully. “We used to go on rides together, up to the Superstitions, and we’d have picnics. Sometimes, we’d go fishing at the lake.”
“You didn’t get a chance to meet my new Quarter Horse, Molly.” CJ smiled at her. “What do you say to riding up to the mountains sometime soon? You can say goodbye to your grandpa there, too.”
“I like that idea.” She tipped her head to the side. “I can show you where we used to picnic. Do you like to fish?”
“I do.” He rolled his shoulders. “I’ll have to buy some fishing tackle—what my mom and dad had all disappeared along with everything else.”
She shook her head. “I don’t have any—we always used Grandpa’s stuff. You don’t have to buy any on my account.”
“I’d like to get some gear regardless.” He moved and sat in the swing next to hers. “I have lots of good memories of fishing with my dad.”
She gripped the chains of her swing. “It’s a date.”
He nodded. “I’ll get a couple of fishing licenses along with the tackle, and we’ll be all set.”
She smiled, but then her lips trembled as her thoughts turned back to Grandpa. She leaned back in her swing and kicked off. She swung back and forth, higher and higher. The wind in her hair and on her face made her feel lighter, if only for that moment in time.
Memories of time spent with Grandpa filled her heart not just with pain but the love she felt for him. She looked at the park’s trees, paths, and benches as she swung and then rooftops of the neighborhood on the other side of the park. Marlee used to live there before she and Colt married.
She looked to her side and saw CJ swinging, too. He had a boyish expression like he was enjoying himself. Maybe, despite her loss, she was, too.
Her energy started draining away, and she let the swing slow until her feet skimmed the ground. Gradually, she halted, her shoes resting on the dry soil. CJ came to a stop beside her, and their gazes met and held.
She voiced her concern again. “Do you think my family understands why I left?”
He nodded. “Everyone grieves in their own way. They know how much you loved your grandpa, and I’m sure they know how close you two were.”
“Mom and Dad have commented on it before.” Jillian sighed. “I think they were glad that we did have such a good relationship, especially after Grandma passed.”
CJ stood in front of her and held out his hands, and she took them, allowing him to bring her to her feet. “Would you like to go back?”
She looked at the ground and thought about it before meeting his gaze again. “I’ll call Mom.” She released his hands, pulled her phone out of her pocket, and then dialed her mom from her Favorites menu. She brought her phone to her ear.
“Hi, Jill dear,” Mom said when she answered. “Are you all right?”
Even though her mom couldn’t see her, Jillian nodded. “I’ll be okay. I’m at the park with CJ because I need some time alone. Do you want me to come back?”
“You take some time to yourself.” Her mom”s understanding tone made Jillian’s heart feel a little better. “I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll need to plan your grandfather’s memorial. I think we know where to get the flowers.”
“I think you do.” Jillian let out her breath. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, honey.”
Jillian disconnected the call and slid her phone into her pocket. Her chest still hurt, and she had a feeling it would be that way for a while.
CJ clasped her hand, guiding her back across the park toward his truck. “Would you like me to drive you home? We can figure out how to get your car to you tomorrow.”
She shook her head. “I’m fine driving, and I’ll need my SUV in the morning.”
“We can have the rest of the pizza for dinner, or I can whip up something else,” he said.
“Leftover pizza sounds good.” She looked up at him. “I don’t want to be alone, but I won’t stay late.”
He brought her to a stop by the passenger side door. “Stay as long as you’d like.”
“It will be good to hug Sadie.” She tipped her head up and looked into his eyes. “Speaking of hugs…”
He brought her into his embrace and held her close, and she felt his heartbeat against her ear. It was a slow, comforting beat that somehow made her feel better. When they drew apart, he gave her a soft kiss before helping her into her seat and closing the door behind her.
As he walked around, she leaned her head back and thought about the day. She’d been so excited to spend time with CJ, then had crashed so low when Grandpa Daniel passed. Now, she felt a dull ache in her chest, but at least she wasn’t crying. Her eyes still burned and felt puffy and swollen, but for the time being, she was all cried out.
When they were on their way, she looked out the window at the scenery whipping by. So many thoughts crowded her mind, mostly about her last moments with her grandpa. Then she remembered what he’d said to CJ about taking care of her and him being glad she had someone to love her like he had. Heat flushed through her body as she wondered what had gone through his mind.
Jillian was in love with CJ, but she didn’t know how he felt about her. Maybe Grandpa had seen something that she hadn’t. She’d just have to let time play out, and then she’d know. Sooner rather than later, she hoped.