Coupling Up

Chapter 1

When the major achievement of your day is not having a substantial meltdown, and you can’t even manage that, you have to wonder if teaching is all it is cracked up to be.

And when you turn to your boyfriend for a shoulder to cry on, and he more or less says he’d rather rot in prison than continue the relationship a second longer, questions need to be asked, soul-searching needs to occur.

I drive straight home from school, relieved to see my twin, Lois, is waiting for me on the sofa, remote control in hand.

‘How come you’re so late?’ she asks.

I take one look at her kind, concerned face and burst into tears.

She leaps up, drawing me into a warm hug.

‘I knew it! They’ve done it again, haven’t they?

You’ve been stuck in that dead-end school on a zero-hours contract for years, and now they’re letting you go, just so they don’t have to pay you over the summer.

It’s outrageous!’ She is livid. She holds me at arm’s length.

‘I forbid you to go back to that hideous Victorian workhouse, ever again.’

‘But what about the poor kids?’ I say, wiping my cheeks with the palms of my hands. ‘They’ll be devastated if—’

‘Fuck the kids!’ she bellows. ‘Who cares about the fucking kids?’

We take a beat to let this land. Lois is a paediatric nurse; caring about kids is pretty much her bread and butter.

‘Libby, I hate to see you slaving away day after day. They’re always giving you extra classes, extra responsibilities, all without extra pay or a permanent contract. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself.’

‘But being let go for the summer isn’t the only reason I’m upset.’

She sighs knowingly. ‘It’s Arrogant bloody Josh, isn’t it?’

For a caregiver, her attitude to people can be a little brusque, but unfortunately, she is spot on. I show her the text he sent me earlier. Lois reads it aloud.

I think we should put a pin in the relationship. Circle back in a few months maybe?

The words scrape across my heart.

‘Maybe?’ she gasps, staring at me. ‘Maybe? Like he’s only willing to get back with you if he’s desperate and can’t find anyone else. He’s such an arrogant prick. I knew this was coming.’

I nod glumly as a fresh stream of tears dampens my cheeks. A tingle of fear crawls up my spine as I read between the lines. ‘Is this because he thinks I’m boring? Is that it?’

‘No! Of course not.’

‘It is, isn’t it?’ I check my phone to see if Josh has sent me another message. He hasn’t.

‘No,’ Lois warns. ‘Do not keep checking to see if he has messaged you. Don’t give him any more of your precious time or headspace, or you’ll end up with high blood pressure.’

Living with a health professional has its drawbacks: you are constantly measured against World Health Organisation parameters.

‘Libby, you are far too good for him anyway. Let him go. He’s never been right for you. Do not reply.’

Living with a health professional who is also your overly protective twin sister, conversely, has its benefits. She is the best cheerleader anyone could hope for.

‘I know it hurts now, Libs, but perhaps this break-up is exactly what you need. Between Josh and the school, you had what you wanted,’ she says, pausing dramatically, ‘but not what you needed. You’ve been stuck in reverse.’

I take a moment to process.

‘Is that Coldplay?’ I ask. ‘Are you Chris Martin right now? Are you trying to fix me?’

‘Yes. Yes, I am.’ There’s a twinkle in her eye as she does namaste hands.

She knows I’ve always carried a torch for nice, kind-hearted global superstars.

‘You have the whole summer to explore what life has to offer. Travel. Be spontaneous. Date men who aren’t self-obsessed and married to their own reflections. ’

‘I’m hardly much of a catch. I’m single, unemployed and when you get married next year, I’ll be homeless,’ I say, sniffing up the rest of my tears. ‘Besides, you know the most adventurous thing I’ve done this year is buy an air fryer. I’m hardly the spontaneous type.’

‘You’re not unemployed, you’re between jobs, and you’re not soon-to-be homeless because you can stay here for as long as you want.

’ She sweeps a hand casually round the cosy living room and its homely sage-green walls and handmade colourful furnishings.

‘But you’re right, it wouldn’t hurt you to be more spontaneous once in a while. ’

‘Maybe this is why Josh wants to take a break. He thinks I’m not spontaneous or exciting.

Maybe what we actually need is more time together, not apart.

’ My mind begins whirring with possibilities of a romantic reunion.

This whole thing could even be a cry for help.

A last attempt from Josh to get my full attention.

Like an overlooked middle child constantly singing ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ while simultaneously tap-dancing on the dining room table and doing magic tricks, desperate for parental affection.

From his point of view my job is very demanding. My marking piles are very high.

‘No, please. I’m begging you. Have nothing more to do with him. He really doesn’t deserve someone as lovely as you.’

‘Maybe the text wasn’t actually meant for me,’ I say, grasping at straws. ‘Perhaps he was breaking up with his… his personal trainer or his…?’

‘It was definitely for you, Libs.’ She looks away, pretending to pick at some fluff on the sofa.

I screw my eyes at her. ‘What are you not telling me?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Lois says with a sad look. ‘I found out today that he’s on Tinder.’

‘Eh? Tinder? How would you know?’ I’m instantly confused. ‘You’ve got Tyrone, what do you need a dating app for?’

Tyrone is my sister’s fiancé, and he is adorable. The three of us hang out all of the time. All of the time. Probably too much now that I come to think of it. He often jokes that he is in a committed relationship with conjoined twins.

Lois gives me a wide-eyed stare. ‘What? God, no. I love Ty to the moon and back. He’s my rock. My soulmate. You know that. I’d never cheat on him. Never. He’s my dream man.’

‘Thank goodness,’ I say. I love Tyrone. ‘So, why are you on Tinder?’

‘I’m not.’

‘So, how do you know about Josh?’

Lois guides me to sit back down and clears her throat noisily. ‘Clever Amy at work asked me and Booby Julie what we thought of this guy who’d just uploaded his profile this morning. I recognised Josh straight away.’

Her words hardly seem real. ‘This morning? Before he’d even broken up with me?’

Lois looks sorry for me. ‘Clever Amy was asking if he sounded weird because… well, it doesn’t matter why. The main thing is he is back on the prowl, and you need to forget all about him.’

‘What does Josh’s profile say?’ My heart is hammering in my chest. I trust her implicitly. I would give my life for her in a single heartbeat. We always tell each other the truth.

She reluctantly swipes at her phone and turns the screenshot towards me.

I take in Josh’s handsome profile pic and try to ignore the stabbing pain as I flick over the description of what sort of new lady he is after.

He is looking for glamorous, party-loving, adventurous women who throw caution to the wind and are partial to a no-strings relationship.

In glaring capital letters, he has written NO TEACHERS.