Crazy Imperfect Hearts

Chapter Twenty-five

Regan

Washed and dried, I fold the Montana Winery sweatshirt and tuck it away in one of my dressers. I stand in the center of my second bedroom-slash-closet and turn slowly. I am going to miss this. I momentarily allow myself to wonder what it would be like to live in Lucas’s building, have a larger apartment, and a closet similar to his.

The thoughts have me immediately feeling guilty. Like I’d be benefiting from the child support. I don’t have an issue with him paying for things baby-related, but his money being used to pay my rent—that seems a step too far even if he did give his blessing.

Besides, would I really want to leave this place? Sure, it’s old. It needs to be painted. The kitchen appliances could use updating. And the bathroom is small. But it’s mine. Or it will be as soon as I pay off the mortgage.

When my parents handed down the business to me, they owned it completely, along with the apartment. Since Ryder didn’t want to run the business, they liquidated half the equity, gave it to him in cash, then signed the shop and its mortgage over to me. They called it our inheritance and told us to expect nothing further when they eventually died, as they planned to spend their retirement savings living out the rest of their days in Florida.

Even though the shops along McQuaid Circle are all connected in one long building, like mine, they are individually owned, not leased from large corporations. A few years back, McQuaid Enterprises, owners of many businesses and properties in Calloway Creek, tried to buy out the businesses on The Circle and then lease them back to the owners. We all banded together to prevent the buyout. Rather successfully, too. As of today, the only part of McQuaid Circle owned by the actual McQuaids is Lloyd’s Steakhouse around the corner.

I run my hand across the decades-old wallpaper in the room, wondering if I should go ahead and strip it now in preparation for painting. I picture the room in shades of pink or blue and try to figure out which one I’d like best.

In trying to imagine a color for the walls, I know what I’m really asking. Would I want a boy or a girl?

I thought I really wanted a boy. The name Mitchell Montana swirls through my head. But if I’m being honest, and I know it’s cliché, at this point, with me being the age I am, I’d be happy with either.

I turn and leave the room, deciding that stripping the wallpaper would be tempting fate. I’m already having to go with one less try than I’d hoped because of Lucas’s last-minute business trip.

We did it four nights in a row. Four nights of him wanting to get me off despite my assurances it wouldn’t happen. Which it didn’t. To his credit, he never got mad. I think he was just frustrated that I didn’t even let him try. But damn, I came so close last night.

He’s so different from David. Like in another stratosphere. Hell, he brings me pastries, something David wouldn’t have done in a million years. He used to bring me laxatives and diet pills and photos of bodies he thought were attractive.

How did I ever get sucked into a relationship with him? If I could only go back and tell my nineteen-year-old self that if a man didn’t like me for who I was, he wasn’t worth a second thought.

And then there’s Lucas. He doesn’t seem to have any issues with my weight, my extra inches, or my all-around plumpness. I was sturdy and thick even in my teens, yet he masturbated in high school at the thought of me.

Why is life never easy? Back then, I was willing to do anything, including sacrificing my volleyball career, to get the attention of the star athlete who only wanted to mold me into his version of the perfect girl. And now, the guy I’m sleeping with is a hot, kind, wealthy bachelor who accepts me for who I am and could set any potential kid up for life, yet he’s one hundred percent unavailable, unreliable, and unattainable.

Not that I’d want to attain him.

I cock my head at Joey as he watches me from across the living room. Would I?

It’s a ridiculous thought and I almost laugh at the unconscionable notion of Lucas and me together on any other level than what we are right now.

I think knowing it could never and would never happen is what’s making all this possible.

“Are you hungry?” I ask Joey, reaching for a can of cat food. “How about tuna tonight?”

He meows when he hears the familiar ‘pffft’ sound of me pulling the tab of the can. I dump it on his food plate and allow him to eat it right up here on the kitchen counter. I chuckle knowing Lucas would probably hate it and would sanitize the entire kitchen. But he’d do it without getting mad. Sure, he’d call me careless, breezy, maybe even irresponsible, but then he’d roll his eyes, smile, and meticulously scrub the counter.

I pat Joey’s head. “I’m off to meet the girls. Be a good boy.”

Down the stairs and out the front door, I stop and turn before crossing the street. I go back and lock the shop. I’m not sure why I do it. Maybe it’s Lucas’s voice in my head. Maybe I’m already being protective of what may or may not be growing in my womb.

Across the street and around the back of the ice cream shop, I find our usual bench. It’s empty. I’m the first one here. I sit and stare at the playground. There are a few kids on the jungle gym and more on the slides. Izzy McQuaid pushes her five-year-old brother Myles on the swing. Their mom, Willow, waves from across the way. As I wave back, I notice something I hadn’t before. The distinct curve of a pregnant belly. Willow is expecting.

I wonder if we’d become closer if I had a baby too. Would we go to the same Mommy and Me classes? Would our kids go to preschool together?

“Hey!” I hear behind me.

Ava is walking up, her hands full of coffee in two drink carriers. “We’re the first ones here?” She looks around. “I heard we might have a full house tonight. Amber said she wanted everyone here.”

“I know. I saw the text. You think she’s pregnant?”

She shrugs sadly and I feel bad for her knowing how much she wants it for her and Trev.

I can see it now, all of us cheering and hugging and smiling when Amber delivers the news. It’s a far cry from what would happen should I make the same announcement. Looks of disapproval, concern, and maybe even judgment would be more like it. Would my friends even be supportive?

Maddie pushes a stroller up next to the table. Little Teddy is awake, wide-eyed, and utterly adorable. I reach in and touch his hand. When he grabs onto my finger, my heart explodes. I almost tear up with how badly I want this. But with all this pregnancy and baby stuff surrounding me, I get a sinking feeling it won’t happen for me. Like maybe I waited too long and missed my chance.

Maddie elbows me, looking across the playground. “I didn’t know Willow was expecting.”

“Me neither. You think Amber is?”

She shrugs.

“Oh, come on. Tag is her best friend. You must know something.”

Ignoring my statement, which means she absolutely knows something, she says, “I’m glad nobody else is here yet. I wanted to ask you how things are going with Lucas.”

I stiffen for a second before I realize she thinks we’re sleeping together for orgasm purposes. I shake my head. “That’s not happening.”

“Really? Why not?”

“Because it was weird.”

She puts a hand on my shoulder. “It was kinda.”

Ava looks up from Teddy and cocks her head. “But he came in for coffee Saturday morning. There are two other coffee shops closer to his apartment.”

“Maybe he just likes yours.” I hold up my cup. “It is the best.”

She eyes me curiously. “But he said he doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“Maybe he was kissing someone else?” I say, trying to sound uninterested. “I hear Olivia Weston is back in town.”

Now both of my friends are eyeing me suspiciously.

“What aren’t you telling us?” Maddie asks. “You have a strange look on your face. And you seemed so set on that whole friends-with-benefits thing with him. What’s up, Regan?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. I just changed my mind.”

It’s not a lie. I did change my mind. I’m just choosing to leave out the part where Lucas Montana may or may not be about to be my baby daddy. My heart skips a beat wondering if he already is. If not, it won’t be for a lack of trying.

Four times in four days. And if the size of his cock is any indication, he may pack more of a punch in the sperm department. I almost smile remembering what he told me about being tested and having ‘scored’ well.

This really could be happening.

“That right there.” Maddie points to my face. “What is going on with you that you won’t—”

“Hey ladies!” Serenity sings, walking up arm-in-arm with Amber.

My eyes automatically go to Amber’s flat belly that reveals nothing.

Nikki and Dakota cross the parking lot heading our way.

“Willow!” Amber calls, waving her over.

“Amber’s definitely knocked up,” Ava whispers into my ear.

I grab her hand and give it a supportive squeeze. I know that every pregnancy in this town, every baby, is like another shard being driven into her heart. I feel guilty about what it will do to her if and when I have my own news to announce. I think Ava believes she’s safe with me. That because I’m not married and don’t have a boyfriend, I’ll likely never get pregnant. And I’ve pretty much told them I’m not the mother type. She probably thinks that if it doesn’t happen for her and Trevor that at least she’ll have me.

Guilt over what I’m doing crawls up my spine. Maybe I should tell her. Prepare her for what might happen.

Or what might not, I remind myself.

And that’s reason enough not to say something about it.

When all of us are settled around the picnic table, and we’re expectantly looking at Amber, she beams with a smile. “I have exciting news.”

“I knew it!” Dakota exclaims.

Amber shakes her head. “I’m not pregnant, if that’s what you were thinking.”

“Oh,” Dakota says, her brows knitting together, as are all of ours. All but Maddie’s.

“But we are having a baby,” Amber says. “I was waiting to say anything until we were sure. We’re adopting.” She bounces up and down. “Eeek! I can’t believe it. And it’s a boy. He’s due next month.”

All jaws hang open with the exception of Maddie’s, who obviously knew. It’s not the news the rest of us were expecting. Then again, this is Amber Thompson. As an adoptee herself, and already mother to one adopted child, this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

“Well?” Amber says. “What do you think?”

Simultaneously, everyone stands and moves to take turns hugging her.

Questions and comments get rapid-fired.

“We’re so happy for you!”

“Congratulations!”

“When did this happen?”

“Is Josie excited?”

Amber laughs. “Okay, so Quinn and I have been sitting on this for a while. And what nobody knows is that we’ve been trying to adopt for a few years now. Not because we can’t have a child of our own, but because we felt it was our mission. We came close a few times, but those fell through. But this time—” Her hand comes to her heart. “You guys, we met the birth mom last weekend. She’s amazing. She’s eighteen. She’s been through a lot, but she’s so strong.” Tears come to her eyes. “She reminds me so much of my mom. We just knew this was going to be the one. It was fate that we found each other.”

Maddie’s husband, Tag, has been best friends with Amber since they were kids. Maddie has shared with us the horrific story of what happened to Amber’s birth mom, Piper.

“Was she…?” I can’t bring myself to say the word.

Amber nods. “She was sexually assaulted.”

Gasps abound, all of us disgusted.

“Like my mom, she has no idea who the father is. It was a random attack, and he wore a mask. We have no clue about the baby’s race or ethnicity.” She chuckles with a half-grin. “And we don’t care. We just knew this one was meant to be.”

“You guys will be great parents,” Ren says. “Again. But that poor girl.”

“Like I said, she’s strong. But she basically has no one. She entered the foster system at fourteen and bounced from home to home. She suspects her rapist might have been one of the many boys she’d been in foster care with. It happened when she was seventeen, but she didn’t find out she was pregnant until after her eighteenth birthday.”

“That’s horrible,” Ava says.

“Her name is Julia. She’s super intelligent and very talented. You should see her paintings. We’re going to pay for her to get a college education. Room, board, and tuition. The girl deserves a break, you know?”

“It just goes to show that sometimes good can come from evil.” Nikki smiles. “Julia could go on to be the next”—she rubs her chin then laughs—“some news anchor I am if I can’t even come up with the name of one famous female painter.”

“We’re all so happy for you,” I tell Amber. “So when is Tag planning the baby shower?”

Laughter comes from everyone. Best friend or not, Tag Calloway won’t be throwing anyone a baby shower. That’s okay, though. Amber is surrounded by friends who will be all too happy to step up.

Willow rubs her belly, shares a look with pregnant Nikki, and leans down to tickle Teddy’s chin. “Maybe something’s in the water.”

I don’t tell her I hope something is in the water. My water.