Chapter Forty-three
Regan
Light is pouring through the window. I throw an arm over my eyes, groaning. But then I bolt up, fully awake once reality sets it.
Mitchell.
Lucas is sleeping on the couch under the windows.
“Lucas,” I call, getting out of bed and into my slippers.
He wakes, taking a moment to orient to where he is, and sits up quickly. “Everything okay?”
“Yes. I mean, I think. Why did you let me sleep that long?”
“You obviously needed it,” he says, wiping his eyes. “You slept all night, Regan. That’s a good thing.”
“But—”
“I sat with him twice. Held him for hours. He’s good.”
I sit next to him in relief, then notice a new bag on the floor next to him. “What’s that?”
“I had Ryder drop off another pair of pajamas and all your bathroom stuff. Figured you’d want a shower.”
“A shower sounds heavenly. But—”
He holds up a hand. “I’ll go sit with him.” He stands, straightens the wrinkled shirt he’s been wearing since yesterday, and goes for the door. “Take all the time you need and try not to worry about him, okay?”
I nod. After he leaves, my hand wanders the fabric of the couch cushion he vacated. I look at the bed and wonder how long he lay beside me last night, holding me, crying with me, before he moved. Part of me wishes he’d still been there when I woke up. But that would mean he wouldn’t have been with Mitchell. And no matter how my heart feels about Lucas, that’s not what’s important here. The little warrior down the hall—he’s the only thing that matters. Not my ridiculous pregnancy emotions or postpartum feelings about the warrior’s father.
Thirty minutes later, clean, but feeling guilty about taking even that long, I arrive at the NICU.
I know something’s wrong the second I see the way Lucas is looking at me. He’s holding Mitchell, but there’s so much pain in his eyes. My heart thunders as I approach. My legs almost fail me. Is he holding our dead son? Sitting here grieving for him as he waited for me?
But then I see Mitchell move, and my lungs fill with air.
“What is it?” I ask.
“He had another episode, or spell, or whatever they call it.”
My hand flies to my mouth as I choke back sobs.
“He’s okay. I talked to the doctor. He assured me it’s not uncommon. Listen, everything else is good. His fluid intake and output is stellar.” He smiles. “Did you know they monitor everything that goes into or comes out of his body? And apparently our kid pees and poops like a champ. Then again, I’d expect no less from any son of mine.”
How Lucas can make me laugh when I want to scream and crumble apart is beyond me.
I step next to him and hold out my arms. “Can I. Please? I need to.”
He stands confidently and, without any help from a nurse, shifts Mitchell into my arms. I kiss my sweet boy and then look up. “You’re getting pretty good at this.”
He takes a bow, making me smile.
“Were you here when it happened?”
His head shakes as guilt crosses his face. “It was early this morning. I should have been here.”
“Lucas, remember what you told me. We can’t be here twenty-four seven. We’re here enough. And he has a great team of doctors and nurses.”
“Wow.” He tilts his head and studies me.
“What?”
“A good night’s sleep and a shower really did you good. You aren’t freaking out nearly as much as I thought you would.”
I look at our sleeping son, relieved with each and every rise and fall of his chest. “I’m sorry I sort of fell apart on you last night.”
“Regan, you just had a baby. Even if he was full-term and totally healthy, you’d still be allowed to do that.”
“Well, thanks. I wasn’t sure I’d get any sleep at all before you climbed into my bed.”
Unwittingly, my cheeks flush. Lucas smiles. “You okay, Ray? Your whole face just turned three shades of red.”
Ray . It’s been a while since he’s used that nickname.
“I’m just… so happy to be here holding him.”
Lucas seems content just sitting by my side for hours.
Christa, Mitchell’s first nurse from yesterday, comes over. “Mom and Dad, why don’t you take a break. I need to weigh him and do some other nurse things. Go get breakfast. It’s not the best food in the world, but the pancakes in the cafeteria are edible.”
“No need,” Lucas says.
I glance at him as Christa takes Mitchell. “But I’m starving.”
“Got it covered.”
I narrow my eyes. “Lucas Montana, what did you do now?”
“You’ll see.”
I kiss the baby, and we go back to my room where Maddie and Ava are waiting with several steaming Criss Coffee Corner cups along with bags of pastries from my favorite bakery and a gigantic basket of fresh fruit.
I turn to look at Lucas, positive he’s responsible for all of it.
He just shrugs. “I’m going to go home for a shower and a change of clothes. I’ll be back in an hour.”
He kisses the side of my head, spins, and leaves.
“Oh. My. God.”
My eyes snap to Ava. “What?”
“You’re totally in love with him.”
I pull the door shut. “Lucas? What… no.”
“It’s written all over you. You love your baby daddy. Admit it.”
Maddie’s eyes widen like dinner plates. “You are, aren’t you?” She sighs. “Regan Lucas, you went and did it, didn’t you?”
I close my eyes and crumple onto the bed. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just sort of did.”
Two pairs of arms come around me. I sit up and hug them back.
“It’s the hormones,” Maddie says.
“That’s what I’ve been telling myself for months.”
“Wait.” Maddie pulls back. “Months? You’ve been feeling this way for months? I thought it was just because of the birth and you bonding over the scary stuff.”
“Go ahead and say it.” I sit back and wait for her ‘I told you so.’
She perches on the bed next to me. “I’m not going to say it, Regan. I’m not sure I need to. Because it looks like… Well, it kind of looks like he might feel the same way.”
My gaze darts to hers. She looks to Ava for confirmation. “I saw it too. And the way he sounded on the phone, wanting me to bring just the right things. That man wants to make you happy.”
“I just gave him a son. Of course he’s taking care of me.”
“It’s more than that,” Ava says.
“It’s not,” I assure them. “The man isn’t capable of more. We all know it.”
“I don’t know,” Maddie says. “There’s something about kids that can change a man’s whole perspective on life.”
“I’m not sure what you think you saw, but it wasn’t that. He’s really just pampering me. End of story.” I gaze out the window, sadness becoming a dominant emotion once again. “It’s just sometimes I worry about my ability to do this alone.”
Maddie’s arm comes around me. “No matter what happens, you’re most definitely not doing this alone. We’re here for you. All of us.”
Are they all? Will they all be? Will he be?
Sure, Lucas has been kind, generous, and super attentive. But now that the baby’s here and I’m no longer this fragile vessel carrying his child, things will change. No more walks through the park. No catered meals once I’m out of the hospital. No daily checks to make sure I’m okay.
I sigh, pushing the thoughts out of my head, then motion to the bag of sweets. “Now if you don’t mind, I recently pushed a human out of my vagina and I’m starving.”