48. NOAH
Chapter 48
NOAH
B eep. Beep. Beep.
I frown, my head hurting from the sound. It’s pounding, but thankfully it’s silent otherwise. My arms hurt something fierce, and tears spring to my eyes from the pain. This can only mean one thing—I’m alive. But I don’t dare move. I don’t hear him, but I know he’s here. I can smell the woodsy scent of his body wash. There’s also the faintest scent of blood. I can’t believe I failed.
I’m a fucking failure.
I can’t even succeed at killing myself.
Opening my eyes, they sting. The room is dark, but they feel as dry as sandpaper. Tyler is sitting on a chair by my bedside, his head on my lap, soft snores coming from him. I stare at him for what feels like forever, but it is surely a couple of minutes. There are purple bags under his eyes, his curly hair is a mess, and his lips are turned down into a frown. I hate seeing him like this, especially knowing I’m the one who did this to him.
Guilt is simmering right under the disappointment of not being dead, and I can’t help but wish I had succeeded. Because then I wouldn’t have to face Tyler when he wakes up. I wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in his eyes.
The machine begins to beep faster as I try to lift my arm, trying to reach Tyler. It hurts like a motherfucker, and I drop it. But he must notice the movement because his eyes slowly open, blinking the sleep away. Not that he achieves it. He looks tired and run down. But he still lifts his head, his brows furrowed, his lips turned down. The light in his eyes has dimmed, and he doesn’t even look happy to see me awake. Maybe he was hoping I wouldn’t wake up. Maybe I’m a burden?—
“ Baby ,” he breathes, and my body relaxes against the bed. “I’m so sorry,” he sobs, and this time I’m the one who frowns.
My throat hurts as I try to talk, and I clear it. “What? Why are you sorry?”
“For not seeing it earlier.” Ty grabs my leg, probably because he doesn’t want to hurt me. “For not getting you the help you needed.”
“Tyler, please look at me,” I demand. “None of this was your fault. I’m the one who should feel guilty.” And I do. “Not you.”
“I shouldn’t have gone to work.” He shakes his head. “I should’ve stayed home.”
“You can’t babysit me, Ty,” I sigh. “I would’ve found a way to do it anyway.”
“Do you…” He starts, worrying his lip with his teeth. “Do you still want to be dead?”
Yes.
“No,” I lie. I think I’ll always want to die, especially after my memories have returned. The guilt of being alive while they’re dead is a lot to handle, and I wish the flight medics had never found me. That they had let me die too—on the dirt, in the middle of nowhere, just like my squad. “I don’t.”
“Okay,” he whispers, but I can tell he knows I’m lying. He’s always been able to tell. “I notified the Army.”
“You did what ?” I gasp, my arms screaming in pain as my body tenses. A cold sweat crashes over me, starting down my spine, and then going down my arms and to my hands. They get clammy and begin to shake, and I take a deep breath in, to no avail. “Tyler, how fucking could you?”
“I don’t want to fucking hear it, Noah,” he snaps at me, and I’m stunned into silence. “You killed yourself. Did you know I had to watch you die? Who the fuck did you think was going to find you?”
“I’m sorry,” I reply, feeling guilty all over again. He’s right, that wasn’t fair. “I’m so sorry, Tyler. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was just in so much pain?—”
“Are you going to get help now?”
“I don’t think I have a choice anymore,” I tell him. “Now that the Army knows, I’ll probably be forced to get treatment. Not to mention, I’m probably on a hold in here for attempting suicide.”
Tyler nods.
Great .
My nostrils flare as I try to take in more air, my chest hurting from an impending panic attack. My chest gets tight, the machine begins to beep faster, and my breaths stall in my lungs. Suddenly a nurse comes in here, walking to my bedside. She places her hand on my chest and counts to ten, showing me how to breathe properly.
“It’s okay,” she soothes. “Just breathe in and out. Focus on my voice, Mr. Milner.”
It doesn’t take very long before I can take another breath, and I’m thankful she came in. I’m in so much pain. I need something to take the edge off.
She seems to know somehow, because she asks, “On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst pain you’ve ever experienced, how would you rate your pain?”
“An eight,” I answer, my arms throbbing.
“I’ll be right back,” she replies. “Gonna get you some medicine.”
I nod and she disappears behind the curtain.
She’s back in a minute or two with a vial of medication and a syringe. Scanning the medication, she asks me for my name and date of birth, then administers it into my IV in my neck. It burns as it goes in, but the bag of saline water hanging by my bedside makes it better.
My eyes droop, my breathing slows, and my head falls to the side slowly. The next time I open my eyes the curtains are open and it’s daytime, and Tyler’s head is on my bed again. He’s not sleeping. Just staring at me.
“Don’t be creepy.” I smirk, but he doesn’t even smile back. It hurts my heart. I wish he wasn’t this sad over me. But I know it’s all my fault, and I can’t really fix it. Not until I get the help I need. “Not in the mood for jokes this morning?”
“Ha, ha, Noah,” Ty says sarcastically. “You’re just so funny.”
“I know, love.” I’m trying to lighten the mood, but goddamn, he’s not letting me. “I?—”
“I can’t laugh when you’re in here.” He pauses, looking right into my eyes. “When I failed you.”
“You didn’t fail me, Ty.”
“Then you failed me .”
I flinch, then nod slowly. Maybe I deserve that. There’s dried blood on his hairline, and suddenly I wonder what happened. How did it get there? What the fuck did I do to make us end up here? Is he going to leave me? Do I even have a chance at forgiveness?
“I promise you I’m going to get better,” I tell him, taking a deep breath, trying to mean it. “I don’t want to let you down.”
He grimaces, and my heart drops down to my ass. I know I already let him down. I just don’t want to face it right now. But seeing it on his face is too painful, so I look away.
There’s silence on his end, and I want to fill it, but I don’t want to make small talk or ramble. So instead, I say what I feel.
“I love you, Tyler.” More than anything in this world. “I’ve always loved you. And I will love you until the end of time. In the next lifetime, and the next one too. It’ll always be you.”
He sucks in a sharp breath. “I love you too.”
Tyler gives me a soft smile, then stands up from the chair and presses a kiss to my forehead. It heals something inside of me, and I close my eyes.
I hope he forgives me one day for breaking my promise and breaking his heart yet again.
I can only hope.