Cross My Heart

50. TYLER

Chapter 50

TYLER

N oah was finally discharged yesterday, and his command gave him twenty-four hours to get his shit together and report to them in person. He just did that, and now we’re on our way to a treatment facility in Savannah where he will get the help he needs for PTSD.

He spent quite a few days in the hospital, recovering from the surgery on his arms. Noah should make a full recovery eventually, but he will also be needing physical therapy for some muscles he damaged when he cut them. I won’t lie, those days in the hospital were some of the longest days of my life. They felt never-ending. Maybe it’s because of my anger toward him—because I’d rather feel anger than despair. But that anger has dissipated now that he’s getting the help he needs.

He promised me he’d make an effort there, and I believe him. He and I already had a conversation about why he attempted to end his life, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand. But I’m not invalidating his feelings. He has every right to feel that way. I do understand why he feels guilty though. It has to be so hard to be the lone survivor out of all his friends.

The treatment lasts three months. That’s three months of phone calls only once a week. Three months of not seeing him every day. Three months of being miserable and missing him. I’d be lying if I said I’m ready. I’m not—and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for him to be away from me, no matter how much I know he needs it. But he won’t have access to visitors, and while that guts me, I know maybe it’s for the best. He doesn’t need distractions while he gets better. He needs to focus on himself right now, not our relationship. The best thing I can do right now is go through with selling my assets and finish getting divorced. By the time he gets out of here, I’ll be a free man. I’ll be able to be out with him in public. I’ll be able to love him in the light.

We’re supposed to close on the house in exactly one week, and Scarlett and I have been able to handle the situation like adults. We’ve split all the furniture in half, and as soon as I get back to Peachtree City, I’ll pack all of my belongings and put them in storage for the foreseeable future. I’ll be living with my parents until Noah gets out and we figure out what’s next for us, and I can confidently say I’ve never been more nervous.

What if he changes his mind? What if I sold everything for no reason? What if I uprooted my life and he no longer wants me? Does he feel betrayed by me for contacting his chain of command and ratting him out? Will he ever be able to forgive me?

I wish I had the answer to all these questions. I could ask him, but I’m also scared of the answers. I’m scared that he will tell me we’re done. That he’s never forgiving me and to not contact him again. Because this silence between us is thick and deafening, and I’ve never been more uncomfortable around him.

I look over at Noah and purse my lips. He’s still looking out the window, and in the three hours we’ve been in this car, he hasn’t looked at me once. I want to scream. I want to yell at him to stop ignoring me. That I’m going to miss him fiercely. But I don’t say any of those things, instead, I face forward once more and swallow hard.

Turning the music up, I listen to Morgan Wallen’s Last Night , belting out the lyrics at the top of my lungs. This makes Noah chuckle, and it makes my stomach flutter. Finally, finally, finally, he’s giving me a reaction. I would’ve settled for annoyance as long as he made conversation. As long as he communicated with me for only a second.

Surprising me, Noah begins to sing along with me, and he knows the lyrics by heart as well. He reaches over and takes my hand from my lap since I’m driving one-handed, and my breath catches. This has been the only time he’s attempted physical contact since we left the hospital, and I don’t know who was more pissed off, him or me.

All I know is that I’m not angry anymore. It was only a defense mechanism. A way to guard my heart from him. Because if I didn’t feel anger, I’d break instead. But I know it’s not the same for him. He’s actually angry with me and with good reason. Technically I betrayed him, even if I did it so I could keep him alive and well. He doesn’t understand that I’d do anything to protect him, even from himself. It doesn’t matter if he hates me or doesn’t want to speak to me ever again.

We continue to sing, and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, even if it feels like he’s telling me it’s over. Are we over? Is he going to push me away?

Finally, the song ends, and I lower the volume. I look over at him, and he’s still facing the window, even though my hand is on his lap with our fingers interlaced. “Noah, baby,” I say softly, but he doesn’t turn his head toward me. “Are you going to ignore me the whole ride?”

Silence .

“We need to talk about this,” I tell him.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Ty,” Noah sighs. “I’m here because I’ve been forced to come. But I’ll put in effort and try my best to follow their advice.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Tears sting my eyes and there’s a knot in my throat that I can’t swallow past. “Please, please don’t.”

This time he does look at me. We make eye contact, and he frowns. “Breaking up with you?” He seems confused, and I face forward once more. “I love you. I’m not breaking up with you.”

My body relaxes, but only slightly. “I love you so much, baby.” And I can’t even describe the relief I feel right now at knowing he’s not going to break up with me. “I hope one day you’ll forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Tyler,” Noah sighs again. “You did what you thought was best. I get that now. I would’ve done the same for you.”

I’m sure he would’ve, but it doesn’t make it any better. I know that he’s hurt, and I don’t know how to fix it. I guess the only thing left to do is give him space and time. Wait for his calls. Be here when he’s released.

“Do you still want to be in the Army after this?”

“Yes,” he replies without hesitation. “But I know they’re not going to let me.”

“We will deal with it when the time comes.”

He doesn’t say anything, just nods slowly.

“I’ll be right here,” I say.

“I heard they will teach me coping mechanisms,” he says softly, still not looking at me. I pull into a parking spot in front of the large building, and he tenses. “I just hope I can make them work.”

“You will.” Turning toward him, I unbuckle my seatbelt. “Look at me, Noah.” He turns toward me now and we make eye contact. He licks his lips, and my eyes track the movement, but I don’t move to kiss him. When my eyes snap back up to his, I say, “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“No, I’m not.” He shakes his head. “Right now—I’m so fucking weak. I tried to kill myself, for fuck’s sake.”

“But you’re still here,” I tell him. “And you’re trying to get better.”

Noah nods with sadness in his eyes. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Never.” I shake my head quickly, reaching for his hands and squeezing tightly. “You’re the love of my life. You’re everything to me. I couldn’t live without you if I tried.”

“Promise me.” His voice shakes. “Promise you’ll wait for me.”

“Cross my heart.”

This brings a smile to his lips, and he leans in and takes mine with his. They’re so soft, and I groan when he sucks on my bottom lip and lets it go. I chase him, pulling his head toward me with my hand at the back of his neck. And then I kiss him in earnest, thrusting my tongue into his mouth and tangling it with his. The kiss is over quickly, an alarm going off on his watch telling us our time is up. It’s time to report to the front desk.

I pull away, closing my eyes tightly, trying not to cry. Turning off the car, I get out and go to the trunk to retrieve his belongings. He has a suitcase since he will be here for three months, and I take it out. There are clothes, books, and letters from me in there. I decided to write to him so he has something from me when we can’t speak and he’s missing me. All I’ll have is memories of him, but I can be strong for us. Our future plans will hold me over.

I can’t wait to start our new life together.

Noah and I walk in silence toward the entrance of the fancy building in front of us. It’s huge, and now I wonder how many veterans and soldiers are inside of these walls. But I don’t have much time to wonder, because suddenly Noah’s hand is on my lower back, and he pulls me into him. Our bodies are flush as he buries his face in the crook of my neck, and when he inhales deeply, I close my eyes.

“This isn’t over, Ty,” he tells me, his voice muffled against my skin. He pulls away and looks into my eyes. “We will never be over.”

“I know.” I nod, trying to smile, but my lip wobbles, and tears sting my eyes. “You’re never getting rid of me. And you’re never leaving me.”

“Never.”

Noah’s eyes are full of tears, and one spills over, running down his cheek. I brush it away with my thumb and his breath hitches. “I love you,” I tell him.

“I love you too.”

“Go get better, Noah.” I lean in and press a chaste kiss to his lips. “You have to do it for yourself.”

“I will,” he replies with determination, grabbing his suitcase and turning his body toward the building, beginning to walk toward the door. I don’t follow. I think I’ll break down if I get any closer to that door, and I don’t want him to see me like that. I’ll wait until I’m in the car to let myself break. “See you soon, Ty.”

“See you soon, Noah.”

And then he turns around and goes through the glass double doors. I turn away from him and speed walk to the car, and it’s not until I’m inside that I let the tears fall. I let myself break, sobbing harder than I ever have in my life.

These are going to be the longest three months ever.