Cross My Heart

52. NOAH

Chapter 52

NOAH

T oday is the day I go home.

After three months of being here, I’m not actually sure I want to leave yet. If I could be here for a while longer I’d do it, which in turn makes me feel guilty because I know Tyler misses me. Just as I’ve missed him.

The problem is now I have to go back to reality, back to facing all of the problems I’ve managed to escape while I was in here. I report back to my command today right after Tyler picks me up, and I’ve never been more nervous about anything in my life.

I’m being discharged.

All of my things are packed, not that I brought that much, and I sit in the common room to wait for Tyler to get here. There are people sitting around me, but none of them pay me any mind, too busy watching television or reading a book. Some of them are playing UNO as well, others are playing Chess. I haven’t exactly been the most inviting person when it comes to developing a friendship here. I think it would make it even more painful to walk away from this place. I’m not exactly sure when I started loving being here, when I became attached to the therapists and people around me, but I’m hoping I can move past it. The last thing I need is to depend on a place for my survival.

I’d like to think all the coping skills I learned here will help me in the real world. That I’ll be able to function as a member of society. I didn’t put all this effort into something just to fail. I’ve already failed enough in my life.

“Ready to go?” Sean asks me as he sits beside me. I’ve learned to call people by their first names here, rather than their last names. Here ranks don’t matter. We’re seen as real people with real problems and real feelings.

“Nah, man,” I reply with honesty, my voice cracking. I clear my throat and continue, “I’m terrified.”

“You look like it, that’s for sure.” He chuckles, but I know he’s not making fun of me. Just trying to lighten the mood. “You’re gonna be fine, I promise. You have so much waiting for you out there.”

“Not my job,” I sigh.

“Hey, hey,” he says softly, patting my arm. I look over at him, and a look of concern is etched into his features. “Even if they don’t let you return to work, this wasn’t all for nothing. This saved your life—just as it saved mine and the rest of the people in here. So just think about that on the way to work and let it sink in. No matter what happens out there, this place changed you for the better.”

I let that sink in, relaxing into the couch cushions. He’s right, I know he is. This could’ve never been all for nothing. I’ve learned so much about myself here. I’ve taken my power back and found my strength. I’ve found my independence. I see myself as a person again, not just the soldier who failed his comrades. Not just the friend who failed his own. And I’m grateful—to Tyler, to the Army, to my therapists, and to the friends I’ve made here, even if the friendships are superficial at best.

“You’re right,” I tell Sean. “Thank you. I needed to remember that.”

“Any time, man.” He smiles, “I know how it is. And this ain’t my first rodeo. But this place has saved my life more than once, and I’m just…I’m grateful.”

“Same,” I reply.

Someone comes and gets me, one of the ladies who works at the front desk, and I stiffen. I don’t know if I’m ready to face Tyler anymore. I don’t really know if I can do this.

You have to.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye, friend,” Sean says softly. He pulls something out of his pocket—a piece of paper—and offers it to me. “Keep in touch.”

I take it and look down at it, just to realize it’s his phone number. “How much longer do you have left here?” I ask him.

“Two weeks.”

I nod. “I’ll text you then.”

With that, I grab my suitcase and follow the receptionist out toward the front office. I stop short in my tracks—because there stands Tyler, arms hanging limply at his sides, his features schooled as he stares right at me. He seems to be debating how much he wants to show me, and he’s keeping his emotions locked down. That won’t do.

I wheel my suitcase faster, speed-walking toward him, and drop the handle. My hands cup his face, and his immediately come up to cup mine too. I see the pain etched into his features, and fuck if it doesn’t break my heart.

I missed him—so fucking much.

Leaning in, I slam my lips to his. It’s brutal, this kiss, and I don’t hold back. With every lash of my tongue, I show him my need for him. I show him how much I missed him. How desperate I was to be back in his arms. His hands tighten around my jaw, and he has a bruising grip on me. But I don’t cower, I let him do it. Let him get his feelings out.

It’s cathartic, the way we always come together.

But especially now.

We’re finally one again.

Two halves of a whole finding each other once more.

My lips are swollen and probably bruised by the time we pull away from each other, and it takes Tyler a moment longer to open his eyes and look straight into mine. Our foreheads are pressed against each other’s, and we’re sharing breath. But it’s not enough. It will never be enough. Because I can’t be close enough to him. I need to feel our connection.

With hands still cupping each other’s cheeks, and with heaving chests, we continue to look into each other’s eyes. The clear blue of Tyler’s disappears as his pupils dilate, and my nostrils flare with restraint as I keep myself from devouring him whole in front of the people working here.

“I missed you,” I murmur, low enough that it’s only for his ears. “Fuck, I missed you.”

“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Tyler replies, squeezing me with his hands once, then letting my face go.

I nod, dropping my own hands, and grab my suitcase. We walk out to Tyler’s truck in silence, and after I put my luggage in the backseat, I get in. A blanket of silence is draped over us, and it’s suffocating, not comforting. I want to break it, I just don’t even know what to say. Does he not want me anymore? Did he change his mind?

“Did you not miss me?” I ask him as he pulls out of the parking space, and he looks at me briefly before facing forward once more.

But I’m just met with silence.

“Tyler,” I plead. “Did you not wait for me?”

“Of course I waited for you.” Ty’s voice cracks. “And it hurt every second of every day.”

I nod, looking at him. His lips are pressed into a hard line, his brows furrowed. I don’t understand what’s going on, but I want him to be happy to see me. Not whatever this is. “Then why won’t you look at me? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t look at you, Noah,” he whispers. “It hurts too bad. I don’t want to ask what’s on your mind—that’s why I can’t face you right now.”

“Just ask,” I beg him, “Please.”

Another moment of silence, then he says, “Are you better? Truly better?” This time he looks at me again, briefly, but long enough to make eye contact. “Or are you going to take yourself away from me again?”

I freeze. “Ty?—”

“No, I need to know,” he snaps. “So I can prepare my heart for it all. I need to prepare myself for the heartbreak, Noah. Because—because I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t even know if I’m capable of it. So please, just give me a heads-up. Tell me now so I don’t have to wonder for the rest of my life if that day is the day I lose the love of my life. I don’t want to go to work and return to my dead boyfriend.”

Valid.

He’s angry, and it’s valid.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Tyler,” I whisper. “I wish I could take it all back. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for putting you through that. I promise I’ll get help if I ever feel like that again. I swear I’ll tell you.”

Tyler nods, his hands tightening around the steering wheel. “Don’t leave me again,” he sighs. “Not like that. Never like that.”

“I won’t,” I reassure him.

Reaching over, I grip his thigh and squeeze. His hands tighten around the steering wheel once more, but he doesn’t look at me. I don’t want to talk though. I want to?—

“Are you ready to get this over with?” Tyler asks.

I swallow hard. This is the last thing I want to talk about right now. I want to take my mind off it for as long as possible. So I lie to appease him and possibly change the subject. “Yeah.” I nod. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? “I am.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I sigh, “Tyler.” He looks over at me. “I don’t want to talk.”

His face mirrors his confusion. “Then what do you want to do?”

My hand trails higher, and I rub the heel of my palm against his cock. This is what I want. To forget—to feel . I don’t want to think about anything else right now. I want to rekindle my connection with him. I want us to be us again.

“Noah,” Tyler groans. “I can’t—I’ll fucking crash.”

I chuckle. “Then pull over.”

“Right here?” He sounds horrified. “In broad daylight?”

“Yeah, love.” I grin, and he looks like he’s going to pass out. “I’ll give you some head, and it’ll chill me the fuck out.”

Tyler looks behind us in his rearview mirror, then pulls over onto the shoulder, almost on the grass so his truck doesn’t get clipped by oncoming traffic. I rub my hand over his cock again, and now it’s hard. My mouth waters in anticipation, and he gulps.

Surprising me, Tyler undoes the button of his jeans before I ask him to, then shoves them down his thighs. His cock springs free, thick and long, with a fat vein running down his shaft. I look up at him, my eyes wide, and he smirks.

“Well? Are you gonna suck it or are you just gonna stare at it?” He chuckles. “Hurry up before we get caught.”

That’s all I need to spring into action, and I grab his cock, fisting it, and lean over the center console. My tongue seeks his slit, and the pre-cum explodes on my taste buds and makes my eyes roll back in my head. There’s nothing quite like having a cock shoved down your throat, and I moan when Tyler does it to me. I swallow around the head and gag, and he groans. But I don’t let him control the pace this time, instead, I bob my head up and down and twirl my tongue around the head as I come up. Going down, I swallow him. Going up, I hollow my cheeks.

The sounds he’s making are causing my cock to leak in my fucking pants, and my nostrils flare as I restrain myself from taking him in the backseat of this truck. There’s sure as hell enough space to do it. But I won’t—because this is about him. Everything is about Tyler, and I hope he knows that. I hope he sees it. That I’m nothing without him. He’s my nirvana. My devastation. My goddamn undoing. And I don’t want to be saved.

“Oh, fuck, Noah,” Tyler moans, and I grab his balls and squeeze lightly. He thrusts up, shoving his cock forcefully down my throat, and I feel my saliva spilling down my chin and onto his shaft. It’s sloppy, fucking filthy, and I’m loving every second of it. “Like that. I’m g-gonna come. Oh, baby, yes .”

Doubling my efforts, I bob my head up and down and let him fuck my face at the same time. My eyes water from the force of his thrusts, but when he spills down my throat, I swallow his cum. I feel like I’ve accomplished something. And it has nothing to do with a blowjob.

It feels like I’m finally coming home.

To him .