Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
Lena
T he following morning, I walk into Jayla’s bedroom and open her curtains while also turning on her radio.
“Up and at ’em, honey.”
“Mooooooooom,” she groans, putting her pillow over her head.
“You want to play like an adult, it’s time to be one. Meet me in the kitchen in ten minutes if you ever want your truck or phone back.”
She lets out a louder groan as I leave her room. I make my way downstairs to the kitchen, make us both cups of coffee, then sit down at the kitchen table.
Jayla slides into the seat across from me, her arms crossed. “You’re not dating him, are you?”
I sigh, rubbing my temples. “It’s not like that, Jay. He’s helping me with some of the estate stuff. That’s all.”
“Yeah, okay. And I’m supposed to believe that’s all it is? I see how he looks at you.”
How does he look at me?
Her words catch me off guard, and I feel that familiar flutter in my heart. I know exactly how he looks at me. I guess I assumed it was in my head.
I want to tell her she’s wrong. I should tell her that nothing is happening, that I’m not still struggling with my feelings for Gavin, that I’m not caught in this impossible tug-of-war between my loyalty to her father and the ghosts of my past with his brother.
I can’t lie to her.
I thought I had a handle on all of this until Gavin walked back into our lives. I thought all of those feelings were dead and buried .
Clearly not.
How can I explain something I barely understand myself?
“I don’t know how he looks at me. The stuff with the estate is way over my head, and your uncle thrives on this kind of thing. He’s helping so that I can get it taken care of.”
“What is the estate stuff? I don’t even know what that means.”
“When someone dies, their possessions are put into an estate, and a lot of paperwork goes along with it. Henry took care of everything for your dad, and now it needs to be done for Henry. Your uncle Gavin is helping me make sure we get everything handled so we don’t miss anything.”
“Oh,” she says softly. “I didn’t realize that. I…I thought you two were dating, and…I don’t know how I feel about it.”
“We’re not, sweet pea. But I do need you to know that I have very deep feelings for your uncle Gavin. I…he and I were very close growing up, and when your dad and I broke up while he was in the Army, I had a…relationship with Gavin. We broke up, and your dad knew about it, but it seems like those feelings I thought I had left behind are still there.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that your uncle Gavin and I could very well start dating again,” I reply quickly. “It means I would like to, and I hope you’re okay with that.”
I can feel the anxiety clawing at my chest. I can’t believe I said those words out loud. I reach over and squeeze her hand.
“I…I’m worried he’s going to leave again and hurt us both. You’ve been through so much, Mom.”
“I know, baby. I’m scared of that, too. Is that why you left last night?”
She hesitates and pulls away before looking away from me. She lets out a long sigh and nods.
“I was angry. And sad. And scared. I know your relationship with Dad wasn’t great, and you deserve to be treated like a queen, Mom. I don’t know that Uncle G is capable of that, though.”
“He is, baby girl. I don’t know whether I’m capable of accepting it, though.”
I blow out a long breath as I let the weight of those words settle between us.
It’s stupid, really, how quickly he’s slipped back into my life. How quickly the walls I’ve spent years building crumbled the moment he offered to help.
I’m setting myself up for failure because I don’t know that I’m capable of what he could offer me. Can I really ever believe that the other shoe won’t drop on me and make me look like a fool again?
“That’s a big statement,” she says softly. “Maybe we should both talk to Pastor Will.”
I chuckle and nod. “I think you might be right, smart girl. Are you willing to talk to Pastor Will?”
“Maybe I can talk to one of the counselors at the youth center. I know a friend mentioned seeing a counselor named Taylor there. I don’t know that I want to admit to Pastor Will that I drank.”
“He won’t condemn you for a mistake if that’s what you’re scared of.” I smile. “And neither will I. I’ll put in a call to the youth center and get you an appointment. You know that your behavior wasn’t okay, right? You could’ve killed yourself or someone else. One moment of anger could have drastically changed your life and a lot of others.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I didn’t…it’s like I miss Dad, but I’m mad at myself because it doesn’t feel any different from when he was alive. I feel guilty.”
“That’s a normal part of grief. I struggle with the same. You can always talk to me. Uncle Gavin dealt with the same things when your grandma died. I think he could be a good safe place for you, too.”
“I didn’t think of that,” she murmurs. “I really am sorry, Mom. It was like I was watching someone else react to what I was seeing.”
“I’ve been there. Your truck and phone are gone for a month, as of now. You can do chores around the house, attend counseling, and keep your grades up, and we’ll talk again in two weeks to discuss if that will change.”
“Really?” she gasps.
“Really.”
“Give me a list of chores, and I’ll do them. Can I go to the team sleepover tonight?”
I hesitate for a minute as I watch her carefully. I don’t want to tell her no, but I also know I should. How will she learn if she doesn’t see a punishment for her crimes?
I blow out a breath and pull out of the fear that’s enveloping me, and the thoughts of what Aaron would have done had he caught her drinking and driving. I can only imagine how much of a screaming match that would have been. He would have sold the truck and her phone, I’m certain.
“If you get all of your chores done today, with no whining, then yes, you can go.”
“Really?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t mean you’re not grounded.”
“I get it, Mom. Thank you. I’m going to shower, and then I’ll get started.”
She runs upstairs to shower, and I walk out to the back porch to finish my coffee. I let out a long sigh as I sink into the cushioned chaise lounge and feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
That went better than I expected and way better than it would have had Gavin and I not talked last night. I feel good about the expectations and our conversation. I’m more than grateful that she made it home safe and sound and that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me.
The good thing about living in a small town is that if Jayla and her friends act up while she’s at the sleepover, I’ll know almost immediately.
People love to gossip and rat out kids when they’re not acting right.
Later that evening, after dropping Jayla off at her sleepover, I light a candle on the counter, letting the soft vanilla scent waft through the kitchen. There’s a knock on the door, and I already know who it is before I open it. Tatum stands there, grinning wide, a bottle of tequila in one hand and a bag of chips in the other.
“Guess who brought the party?” She giggles, walking past me like she owns the place.
I chuckle and shut the door behind her. “You always do.”
“Damn right. Now, where are the glasses? I’m ready to get this night started.”
She drops the chips on the counter and starts rummaging through my cabinets.
I pull two margarita glasses down and hand them to her. “You know, you could’ve texted me, and I’d have them ready.”
“Where’s the fun in that? I like invading your space. Besides, I need to make sure you’re doing this right. No shortcuts tonight, Lena.”
As I watch her expertly mix the drinks, I lean against the counter, feeling a little more relaxed than I have in days.
“Was Jayla excited about the sleepover?”
“She was so stoked, practically bouncing out the door.”
Tatum laughs. “Good. You need this time for yourself. And I think you know why.”
She pours the drinks and hands one to me before taking a long sip of her own. Her eyes are on me, watching closely.
“I do. I think she needed the time, too.”
“How are you feeling after the two of you talked this morning?”
“Good. She seemed remorseful like she knew what she did was wrong and how bad that decision could have gone.”
“She’s a great kid. You’ve done an amazing job with her. You handled it better than most people. Certainly better than our parents ever would have.”
“If it weren’t for Gavin, I don’t think I would have. He was so level-headed and insightful with everything. Aaron would have lost it on her, arrested the people she got the alcohol from, and made a public display of her punishment for the town to see he didn’t put up with disobedience, you know?”
“I’m aware.” She coughs as she shakes her head disgustedly. “You and Gavin make a good team. How’s it going with him?”
Before answering, I sip my margarita, savoring the mix of tart lime and sweet tequila. “It’s…nice.”
“Nice? You’re gonna have to give me more than that. What’s it like having him back in your life?”
I run my finger along the rim of my glass, thinking. “We fight sometimes, like, old habits, you know? But it’s different now. It’s like he sees me… really sees me. He’s there, present. He’s not on his cell phone the entire time. He brought breakfast the other morning and then pizza. It’s nice to have someone just know that I don’t want to cook. I’ve never had that before. Not in the same way.”
She is silent for a moment, just watching me, and I can see the gears turning in her head. She isn’t going to let me get away with vague answers.
“But?”
I sigh, setting the glass down. “But it feels wrong sometimes. Like having any feelings for Gavin feels like a betrayal to Aaron. I mean, I was married to him for years. That kind of loyalty doesn’t just disappear.”
“Bullshit.”
I blink, surprised by her tone. “Excuse me?”
“Bullshit, Lena. Aaron betrayed your marriage first, not you. You were always loyal, and he wasn’t. You don’t get to sit here and guilt-trip yourself now that he’s gone.”
I shake my head, trying to explain. “We worked through it. People make mistakes.”
Her expression softens for a second, but her voice stays steady. “One time or a hundred, it doesn’t matter. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t walk away. He did. And I don’t think you’ve been honest with yourself about what your marriage really was. It’s like when he died, you started forcing yourself to believe all the lies about what a great man he was.”
I open my mouth to defend Aaron again, but she cuts me off. I bite the inside of my lip as I try to force down my emotions.
She’s right, and that hurts.
“I didn’t mean it like that. He wasn’t perfect, and he had his demons like everyone else. It’s okay to portray the perfect husband and doting father to the rest of the world, but you and Jayla both know that wasn’t reality. Lena, you have to be real with yourself. Aaron was hardly ever home, always working, unreachable half the time. You raised Jayla alone while he was off doing God knows what.”
I swallow, her words hitting too close to the truth I don’t want to face.
“We had our issues. Everyone does.”
“Yeah, but you were fighting all the time,” she shoots back, her voice quieter now, almost sad. “You cried yourself to sleep more times than I can count. I remember you calling me after those fights, trying to convince yourself it would get better and things would change.”
“It wasn’t all bad, though.”
“I know that.” She reaches across the counter and takes my hand. “But you’re only focusing on the good parts right now, the few memories where things were okay, and you’re not seeing the reality. You loved him, you loved who he could’ve been, Lena, but you weren’t happy. Not for a long time.”
I stare at the countertop, blinking back the tears threatening to fall. Hearing my best friend say the truth out loud is what I need to hear, but it doesn’t make it easy.
“The Lena I see right now, with Gavin, with the way he treats you? That’s a happy Lena. A beautiful, glowing Lena who is finally being seen. And that’s what you deserve. That’s what Jayla deserves.”
I exhale slowly, her words sinking deeper than I want them to. Tatum always has this way of cutting through the bullshit and giving me the truth when no one else would.
“I stayed with Aaron because of Jayla,” I whisper. “I didn’t want her to grow up in a broken home.”
“But a broken home isn’t always about being separated, baby. Sometimes it’s staying together when you’re miserable and pretending things are okay for the sake of someone else. And that’s not fair to you or to Jayla.”
I swipe at my eyes, the tears finally spilling over. “We were together for so long, Tatum. It’s hard to just let that go.”
“I know it is.” She squeezes my hand. “But holding on to something just because it’s familiar doesn’t make it good for you. And Gavin… God, Lena, I never saw Aaron look at you the same way Gavin looks at you.”
I laugh even though I’m still crying. “You think?”
“It’s like you’re the only person in the room. That’s the kind of love you deserve. Not the kind that makes you feel guilty for wanting to be happy.”
I don’t have the energy to argue with her. She is right, even if part of me doesn’t want to admit it. I was holding on to something that ended long before Aaron passed away. And Gavin… Gavin makes me feel things I haven’t felt in years. Things I’d almost forgotten how to feel.
“I just…” I start, my voice shaky. “I don’t know how to move on from this. From Aaron.”
“You’ve already started, babe. You just have to keep going. Maybe it’s a little fear that’s showing up as guilt.”
Oof, that was a mind-blowing revelation.
I suck in a long breath, knowing she’s right.
“I’m scared he’s going to trick me into falling for him and then tell me he’s leaving or that…”
“You’re just a fuck buddy?”
I nod, letting more tears fall. We sit in silence for a while, sipping our margaritas, the heaviness of the conversation slowly lifting. Tatum reaches for the chips, popping one into her mouth, and I laugh, grateful for the energy shift.
“You really know how to bring the mood down, huh?” I tease, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
She grins, crunching on another chip. “That’s what I’m here for. Deep talks and margaritas.”
“Don’t ever change.”
“I won’t. But you better.”
I giggle and nod.
“I wonder what he’s doing right now.”
“Girl, you better give me your phone. You’re not drunk texting him right now.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You’re not tipsy texting either.” She laughs.
I grin back at her and giggle, too.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt this happy, this free.