15. To Be Free
15
To Be Free
Annalise
My heart pounds against my ribs, matching the sound as Cas’s fist pounds the door for a second time. Keeping him locked out is futile. There isn’t a door inside this place he can’t access. Which is why I twist the lock the next second, then step back.
Air rushes into my lungs as he pushes into the room, a wild, confused look set in his eyes as he gives me a onceover. I’m not sure what to do. My anger toward him is still very much present, but it isn’t quite as sharp as it’d been before, as it’s suddenly dulled by sadness.
Sadness brought on by the reality of what my life has become. Knowing there are so many limitations and so few options.
He steps closer, and I’m still trying to get a read on him, unsure how angry he is that I stormed out and likely caused a scene. I can only imagine what our guests must think. Especially having seen Cas chase after me.
“Are you all right?” he asks. “Are you ill? Did someone upset you?”
The list of questions being rapidly fired in my direction only adds to my confusion. Mostly because it’s now clear that anger isn’t the reason Cas has chased after me. It’s because he’s concerned. However, instead of seeing the gesture as an act of kindness, I’m actually infuriated that he’s so aloof, so out of touch with the turmoil taking place inside my head, inside my heart.
A fresh wave of anger floods into my soul, and I don’t think I’ve wanted to dick-punch a man more in my entire life.
“Am I all right,” I repeat, gathering my thoughts as I focus my energy on not exploding. “You truly don’t have a fucking clue, do you?”
His brow tenses with my question, and the look frustrates me even more.
“Annalise, we?—”
“Do I not at least deserve an explanation? A simple breakdown to help me understand why I’m not enough for you?”
His eyes widen when I ask the question, as if the words are darts that have just struck him directly in his chest.
“Despite all you’ve done to me, despite how I came to live here, I still stupidly allowed myself to fall for you.”
“Annalise…” He reaches for my hand, and I take a step back.
“No. Do not touch me. Not now. Not ever again,” I hiss. “I’ve seen you at your worst. I’ve seen what an absolute monster you can be. Yet, I’ve opened my heart. Does that mean nothing to you?”
“It means everything to me,” he says, but I can’t even look at him anymore.
“If that’s true, why even go to the trouble of bringing the others here? Why go through with this at all?”
My eyes snap back to him just as his head lowers. I don’t like what I see—an unsettling, contemplative look on his face. To me, the response should be simple. If he truly cares for me like he says he does, letting the others walk right out of the estate tonight should be the easiest thing in the world. But when he lifts his eyes and meets my gaze again, my stomach sinks before he even says a word. All of a sudden, the look of remorse is gone, and he appears to be even more set in his ways than a moment ago.
“This isn’t what I want, Annalise.”
I scoff at his response. “Then, I repeat, why bother? Why not just call the whole thing off? Send everyone home and be a fucking man for once! Are you not the alpha?”
“Enough!”
His voice echoes through the room as his wolf’s deep timbre bleeds into the sound. Nostrils flared, and with that sharp look focused only on me, Cas stares with rage glinting in his eyes. But I believe my anger outweighs his tonight by a longshot.
I’m not a child,” I remind him. “I will not be silent until I’ve said all I need to say.”
He doesn’t blink or flinch as I step closer, balling both hands into fists.
“All I’ve asked is to know why you want this. To know why?—”
“This is not, and has never been, about what I or anyone else wants, Annalise. It’s about what’s necessary!”
Unlike when he screamed at me a moment ago, this time his shouting doesn’t seem to be out of anger. The words are still riddled with emotion, but it’s something else.
He leaves it at that, seeming to think it’s enough that he’s put his foot down on the subject.
“No. I don’t accept that. If you’re telling me this is as good as it gets, then our road ends here. The women under Ms. Dawson’s care have come to you willingly. They’ve been trained to cater to you, trained to behave like proper noblewomen of the clan. I believe they’ll bring you peace, Cas. They’ll be far easier to control that I’ve been, far easier to mold into your ideal of the perfect mate. So, for the love of the gods… just put us both out of our misery.”
His jaw flexes when he grits his teeth. “What are you proposing?”
“I’m not proposing anything. I’m demanding that you let me go. If you truly care for me like you say you do, then free me. It would be a kindness.”
No sooner than those words leave my mouth, a growl resonates within his chest. While I didn’t imagine he’d like what I had to say, this isn’t quite the reaction I prepared myself for. The sound is evidence that the fury I’d seen in him before has returned with a vengeance.
As if the mere thought of me leaving has ignited a roaring blaze inside him.
So much that, when he moves closer, invading my space, I’m tempted to take a step back, but I don’t.
“Annalise, I prepared you for this. You’ve known this is how it must be from the beginning. There have been no surprises.” Every word that leaves his mouth sounds strained, as though he’s struggling to control his anger.
I search his eyes as unfiltered words threaten to leave my mouth. But then, as my anger deepens, those thoughts spill out anyway.
“Why can’t you see that this is the problem? You just said it yourself. You told me this is how it would be, but I never chose this, Cas. I… I never chose you .”
Complete silence.
If not for the rapid rise and fall of his chest, I might think he’s stopped breathing altogether. Then, I’m so focused on his eyes, the darkness that fills them, I’ve nearly missed how he’s become so rattled by my outburst that his hand has begun to twitch. He had a tremor like this the night of the accident. Then, he’d blamed it on Jezebel’s spell, which has me wondering if there’s been some sort of lasting effect. But I’m too mad to ask, too mad to care.
“We’re fucking done here,” he growls, already walking away as he clutches his hand to his chest.
When the door slams, and it’s just me again, the dread and emptiness that fill me reaffirm what I already know.
That I’m stuck here, playing his fucking game, trapped in this luxurious prison atop a hill.