Chapter 16
C arole finished her story and Maureen was ready with another serviette, which she took gratefully. She was tearful and exhausted, yet at the same time it was a relief to have offloaded the great weight of her estrangement from Emma and her grandchild onto someone neutral’s shoulders. It wouldn't change anything but a problem shared and all that. When she’d finished wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, she was taken aback to see Maureen holding her arms out, beckoning her in for a hug.
‘We don’t know one another well, Carole, but I have a feeling we’ll be firm friends by the time our cruise contracts are up, and I think we know one another well enough now for a hug. Don’t you?’
Carole hesitated. She wasn’t usually an overly tactile person. Still, she’d just shared her very personal story with this little woman from Ireland, whom she'd had reservations about initially. They were opposites because her nature was naturally reserved, whereas Maureen was gregarious and, perhaps, a little bossy. Despite this, she’d warmed to her. Carole was also self-aware enough to understand her standoffishness had kicked in as a defence mechanism to ward people off after the apocalyptic dinner with Emma. This was down to shame. How could she tell people she’d fallen out with her own child so spectacularly? So she'd kept her distance, not even telling her smattering of close friends; they'd only tell her how foolish she’d been. That was something she'd already worked out. However, Maureen persevered by pushing through the wall she’d erected around herself. Carole suspected she’d smiled more in the short time she’d been on board the Mayan Princess than the entire last twelve months.
There was no judgment in Maureen’s brown eyes, only concern, and suddenly a hug felt like the best offer she’d had all day. So, breaking character, Carole leaned in to draw comfort from the human connection. The weepiness returned as she felt Maureen pat her back and, sniffing, she mumbled, ‘I didn’t mean the awful things I said to Emma.’
‘Of course you didn’t.’
It had been so long since someone had held her and comforted her like her mum used to when she was a child, but Carole knew she didn’t deserve Maureen’s sympathy. She pulled away from the embrace, searching for another serviette. ‘Actually, that’s not true. I did at the time. I meant every single awful word of it. If it hadn’t been for Carlos coming on the scene, she’d have stayed on course. I couldn’t believe she was throwing away the opportunity of a lifetime, everything she’d worked so hard for. I mean, a baby? Why then ? If she was serious about Carlos, why not in ten years when her career was established? And if he was serious about her, he should have been supporting her career, not derailing it.’
‘Oh, Carole.’ Maureen was reminded of all her emotions when she'd learned Moira, who'd had a complicated time of things, was pregnant.
‘No,’ Carole held her hand up, ‘let me finish, Maureen. I refused to see the value in Emma's music therapy work or how rewarding she found it. I decided it was a stopgap until doors began opening for her. Then, as the weeks ticked by, I realised that New York, the Metropolitan Opera, was never Emma's opportunity of a lifetime. It was mine. Emma had already found her niche, her passion. Everything else, all those auditions, was for my benefit. It took me a good month or so to calm down and see things clearly but, when the blinkers fell off, I understood I’d pushed my dreams onto her. Not once did I stop to consider she might not want the same things I once had. Poor Emma didn’t know how to get that through to me.’
Maureen took Carole’s hands in hers then. ‘Listen to me now.’
She was what Carole’s mum would call a proper bossy boots but she also had a knack for making you do what you were told, so Carole decided to do exactly that and listen.
‘You’re not alone there. We’re none of us perfect mams, but if we’re a good mammy then we do what we think is best for our children and, sure, wasn’t that what you thought you were doing?’
Carole’s watery gaze settled on Maureen, and she felt the older woman squeeze her hands as she nodded. Did Maureen have a point? Was it time to stop with the self-flagellation? She had done what she’d thought was best, and not once had it occurred to her that might be wrong for her child. Wasn’t her insistence on not wasting her talent what had led Emma to a job she loved?
‘We all want our children to achieve more than we did. It’s human nature, and I know first-hand how hard it is to accept they’re no longer branches of ourselves but their own people who’ll go down paths we might not choose.’
Maureen was a very sensible woman, Carole thought.
‘What it comes down to, Carole, is this. Is she happy, your Emma?’
‘I think so. I haven’t seen her since I walked out of the restaurant but Rob’s told me she and Carlos are a good match and that motherhood suits her. She had a little girl four months ago, Charlotte; she’s the dearest little baby with wisps of dark hair, just like her mum had when she was born.’ Carole’s gaze dropped, her voice barely louder than a whisper. ‘I’ve only seen her in the photographs Rob sent me.’
‘I can see how badly you're hurting.’
‘There’s a hole in my heart, Maureen. I’d give anything to hold Charlotte in my arms and to hug my Emma again.’
‘Anything meaning accept her chosen route, and Carlos?’
Carole’s nod was emphatic.
‘Have you tried to tell Emma how you feel?’
‘So many times. I’ve telephoned but she won’t talk to me, and I called around to hers and Carlos’s flat but she didn’t want to see me. I’ve written letters and emailed them, but I don’t think she reads them. Rob’s tried talking to her for me, too, but she doesn’t want to hear what I’ve got to say.’ Carole’s answer to this radio silence from her daughter was to put as much distance between them as she could. It was simply too painful to know she was near and yet so far. One of her student’s mothers put the idea in her head of applying for work on the cruise ships when she raved about a recent holiday. So, she’d done just that and had been offered the gig on board the Mayan Princess . She’d thrown caution to the wind, jacked in her job and given her private tuition pupils the heave-ho telling anyone interested that a sea change was good for the soul. Besides, the opportunity to be paid to travel was too good not to take up. The truth was the Mexican Riviera was a satisfactory distance from Sydney and on a cruise she didn’t always have one ear out for the phone, hoping it would ring or praying that there’d be a knock on the door. At sea, she was uncontactable until the ship docked at her scheduled ports. Then, the ball was in her court because it was up to her whether she checked her email.
Carole had convinced herself the pain of being estranged from her only child, from not even having seen her first grandchild, would hurt less if she put distance between herself and the wound. Now, it would seem no amount of distance would make the pain go away. She told Maureen all of this, adding, ‘I had to give up in the end.’
‘No, no, no. That won’t do, Carole. We don’t ever give up on our children. Emma’s hurt, is what she is, and that baby girl needs her nana. And do you know what else?’
‘What?’
‘If you open your heart to Carlos and stop seeing him as the enemy, you might gain a son and get your daughter back.’
Carole had never thought about it like that. A son as well as a daughter. ‘I’d like that, but I’ve told you I’ve tried and tried to reach out. It’s impossible if she won’t listen to what I want to say to her.’
They lapsed into thoughtful silence.
‘The pair of you need your heads banging together,’ Maureen muttered, frowning, and if Carole had known her a little better then she’d realise that frown meant she was plotting.
‘You’ve certainly got a way with words, Maureen.’
But Maureen didn’t reply. She was tapping her index finger on her chin. ‘Hmm, I wonder,’ she said half to herself.
‘Wonder what?’
Maureen’s gaze came back into focus. ‘I wondered if you’ve ever tried speaking to Carlos.’
‘No. I’d be the last person he’d want to talk to.’
‘Well, that’s your answer then.’
‘You’ve lost me.’
‘Emma won’t hear you out, but I bet she’d listen to Carlos.’
‘Maureen, what are you getting at?’
‘Tomorrow, when we’re in port, you should contact him.’
Carole looked aghast at the idea and quickly said, ‘I don't have his number. I don't even have an email address for him.’
'Then reach out to your ex and ask him to send it to you. The only way to put things right is to ring Carlos and tell him everything you’ve told me about how sorry you are for what you said.’
‘It is?’
‘It is.’
Yes , Carole thought, she was right. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. Maureen definitely had a bossy streak, but she’d do as she suggested because she had nothing more to lose and everything to gain.