Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Esther
Three days of switching from nighttime pajamas to daytime pajamas and a steady diet of coffee, Christmas cookies, and popcorn had started to wear thin. When I heard Theo’s truck leave on Wednesday, I threw myself into a lightning fast shower, pulled on real clothes, and hightailed it out of there.
I wasn’t sure where I was even going. Barely consuming any real nutrients meant my fridge was still fairly well-stocked, so the grocery store was out.
I’d ordered gifts for my sister’s two kids online, and my presents for Anita and Lou had been wrapped and perched on the mantle since before they even left town.
Maybe I’d pick something up for Sofia and Chase.
For the first hour, I drove aimlessly, weaving through Spruce Hill, until I found myself at the Welcome to Oakville sign.
My hometown was truly tiny, more a hamlet than its own township.
Where Spruce Hill had grown and flourished over the years, Oakville had maintained a minuscule row of stores on Main Street and a single fall apple festival that attracted tourists for day trips before they moved to greener pastures along Lake Ontario or the Finger Lakes.
I hadn’t been back to Oakville since the day my parents sent me away.
Though I didn’t intend to stop, I pulled into an open parking spot in front of a bookshop.
There I sat, staring out the slowly fogging windshield toward the display windows.
Everything was decorated for the holidays, draped in garlands and big red bows, a wreath on almost every door.
This stretch of shops looked like it belonged on a Christmas card.
The emptiness I’d been all too happy to cultivate started to fold in on itself, bringing back the ache in my chest as I imagined myself and Theo in each of the couples strolling down the street, bundled in scarves and hats, laughing and pausing to kiss under a sprig of mistletoe hung in a doorway.
Maybe because of the proximity, maybe as a side effect of heartbreak, I started to wonder if my parents had ever been one of those couples. I could easily picture Anita and Lou like that, young and in love, but thoughts of my parents invaded my mind.
They had loved me, no matter how hard my sister tried to convince me otherwise during my childhood.
My mom wouldn’t have been moved to do all of that baking if she hadn’t cared about me, but somewhere along the way, once I was old enough to look out for myself, things changed.
My choices stopped mirroring their view of what my future looked like.
Was I destined to be a disappointment to everyone in my life, or was I just a scapegoat for things that didn’t even concern me?
I dashed away the tear that rolled down my cheek and was just about to start the engine again when someone tapped on my window. A breathless shriek escaped my lips before I blinked the smiling face into focus and rolled down the window.
“Alex, hey,” I said with forced gaiety.
His smile fell as he studied my face. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to bother you, we were just picking something up from the store and I saw you sitting here. I wanted to introduce you to Isabelle and Dominic, but we can do it some other time.”
“I’m fine,” I replied, swiping at my eyes one last time. “I’d love to meet them.”
Alex took a step back as I put the window up and opened the car door.
I recognized Isabelle and her son from the photo card, but she was even more breathtakingly beautiful in real life.
The three of them were simply glowing with happiness, and I let that glow seep into the dark edges of my own sorrow, temporarily pushing back the pain.
After a brief chat, owing to both the cold and someone’s impending nap time, all three of them embraced me, even Dominic. I tried not to wish Alex was his brother when he gave me a quick hug, but then he murmured in my ear, “Please talk to him.”
I looked at him in surprise. “You’re the last person I thought would become his champion.”
“We talked this morning. He has a good heart, and he’s got some things to tell you. And yes, he does stupid shit when he’s scared. I always thought he was fearless, you know?”
“Fearless,” I repeated, still startled to hear that the two of them had spoken.
Alex smiled gently. “Turns out the risk of losing some things is scary enough to make us all into idiots. I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t believe that everyone deserves a second chance, Esther.”
With that, he squeezed my shoulder and jogged over to his little family. I watched as he swung Dominic up in the air, then bundled the little boy into his carseat. Some of the emptiness crept back into my body, so I turned away, got back into the car, and cranked up the heat.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
I didn’t agree with that, strictly speaking, because Steve’s countless chances only led to worse situations, but I had to concede that most people probably deserved one.
After all, Theo had felt like my second chance, hadn’t he?
An opportunity to seize my fate with both hands, to let myself out of the careful little box I’d placed myself in after Steve died and I was finally free.
A chance to be cherished and appreciated.
And loved, my heart chimed in.
I didn’t go straight home after that, though.
Instead, I drove back through Spruce Hill toward Lake Ontario.
The snow prevented me from accessing the parking lot at the public beach, so I pulled onto the plowed overlook just up the hill.
I hadn’t dressed warmly enough to stay long, but I parked the car and got out, wrapping my arms around my body against the cold as I stared out across the water.
The view was chilly and pristine, shades of gray and blue broken only by the rocky outcropping that housed the tall stone tower of the Spruce Hill Lighthouse in the distance.
Just as I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, hoping some universal force might guide me to the right decision, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I struggled to unlock the screen with my frozen fingers, but a faint glimmer of warmth sparked when I read the text from Theo.
Would you please consider having dinner with me tomorrow night? 6 pm, my place. No pressure, no expectations. You can even throw another snowball at my nuts first.
The smile that pulled at my lips felt rusty. I stared down at the message for another minute as a rush of longing pulsed through my veins. It had only been three days, but I missed him. I missed him like I’d missed joy during my marriage, like I missed the sun on a drizzly day.
With my phone clutched in my hand, I looked back out at the choppy gray waves dancing across the lake. I’d replayed the scene from the other day a hundred times, searching for evidence that I was right to step away from him, to nip this all in the bud before I was truly drowning.
In the end, I didn’t find it. I found Theo jumping to my defense at first, jumping to a stupid conclusion next, and myself, panicking.
And yet…what did that mean? That I wasn’t ready for something like this? That we’d been doomed from the start?
Or maybe just that we were both human.
I remembered telling Theo he made me feel like I didn’t come with so much baggage, and his response—we all have baggage.
That much had never been clearer than it was right then.
I looked back down at the phone. Though I’d been paying only the vaguest attention to the calendar, I knew I had an order to deliver tomorrow afternoon. After a quick calculation, I texted Theo back.
I’ll be there.
I hesitated even after typing out the words, but I made myself hit send and hurried back into the car. It was almost two o’clock, so I had plenty of time, but these days of wallowing had been a mistake. I did my best thinking while I was baking, after all.
What better way to show I was open to hearing those mysterious things Alex said Theo had to tell me than to show up to dinner tomorrow with an offering of dessert?