Cuckoo (aka Claire, Darling)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Five

17 November 2024

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but Noah has asked me to move in with him. It caught me totally off-guard. I was out doing my weekly shop at Tesco and he put his arm around my back as I pushed the trolley and said, ‘How do you feel about us moving in together?’

I stopped the trolley and stared at him. ‘What, like, permanently?’

He grinned. ‘I wouldn’t move in with the intention of moving out again, if that’s what you mean.’

I smiled nervously. ‘You want to live with me?’

‘I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? We spend every day together, we’re here doing the weekly shop together to buy all the dinners we’re going to eat together. It doesn’t really make much sense paying for two separate locations, now does it?’

I broke into a beaming smile. ‘We’ll move into your place?’ I squealed. Noah has a gorgeous apartment in Balham.

‘Well, actually, I was thinking of selling that and using the money to buy us somewhere new, so we could start afresh.’

I got butterflies then. ‘You… want to buy us a house ?’

‘I mean, not a castle or anything but yes, somewhere that suits us both. Mine feels a bit of a bachelor pad, and it’s clear my bachelor days are over,’ he said, grinning.

I threw my arms around him and said yes, of course. ‘I can’t wait to house-hunt! Do you want to stay in Balham?’

He shrugged. ‘Do you want to be in Balham?’

I twisted a strand of my chestnut hair around one finger. ‘I’ve always loved Dulwich,’ I admitted, thinking of the gorgeous park where there are often horses from the nearby riding school.

‘Dulwich it is,’ he declared, and I squealed and wrapped myself around him in excitement.

Before meeting Noah, I honestly never imagined myself living with anyone again. Mother always used to say that nobody would put up with me the way she did, and it kind of stuck with me. I envisioned any relationship I had being wrecked once we moved in together, the closeness turning suffocating as they noticed all my faults and flaws. I like to think I’m a clean and tidy person (growing up with a woman who would scream at me if I left my shoes by the door does that to you), but the fear runs deeper than that. It’s a strange, innate feeling that they would be able to see my soul, how broken and fucked up I am on the inside, how worthless all through. And then they would hate living with me because my grossness would surely begin to seep into their own life, driving them away from me.

I haven’t shared these feelings with Noah. I know he would tell me I was being ridiculous, and it feels too much to admit to him. I think saying it out loud would make me seem so self-hating that nobody would even believe me; it would seem as though I was only saying it to chase compliments. So I’ve kept it to myself and decided that it’s worth the risk to move in with him. I feel strongly enough that we can make it work, because he’s so understanding and forgiving of my flaws.

If I’m honest, I’m nervous in general about moving in with a man, and all the surface-level parts of me he might notice and hate as well.

But I know I must try. I’d do anything to be with Noah. Within days he sent me a link to a gorgeous house in Dulwich, but it needed work.

‘We’re paying for the space, really. We couldn’t afford a house this size otherwise. We’ll need to renovate it,’ he warned me. But we agreed it would be perfect, a fresh start for both of us. I’ve said that while it’s being done, he can stay at mine. It might not be ideal, what with it being such a tiny, rubbishy studio flat, but he seemed up for it. Said it would be nice and cosy. Which is sort of romantic if you think about it. I love how he always knows what I’m insecure about and picks up on it and twists it into something positive. I’m just so lucky to have him in my life.

He’ll be joining me this weekend, and I feel like I have loads to prepare. I want him to feel welcome, so I went to the supermarket to get some of his favourite foods and when I was there I saw these cute alphabet mugs, so I bought one with a C for Claire and one with an N for Noah, so when he opens the cupboard he’ll know that it’s not just my flat anymore, that someone else lives here and it’s just as much his space as it is mine. I hope he likes it. I hope he likes me. I hope he likes me as much as I like him. I can’t imagine him doing anything to put me off him, but I’m dreading all the little things I may do to put him off. Like accidentally leaving leg hairs in the bath after I shave, or listening to Taylor Swift loudly on a Sunday morning. Or just being myself. But I guess this is part of being in an adult, cohabiting relationship. I’m still learning to navigate this world, and it’s daunting and rewarding all at once.

Claire