Daddy’s Little Dreamer (The Lactin Brotherhood)

Chapter 1

1

“Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. Have this wish I wish tonight.” I thought really, really hard and hoped that if I got the words just right, my wish would finally come true.

For the thousandth time…

Okay, here goes.

“Star light, can I please have a daddy of my own? One who loves me for who I am. Faults, creepy kinks, and all.”

And my faults were plenty and, sadly, there were more than enough kink shamers in the forms of fake daddies out there to point that out and say my kinks weren’t “normal.” That much I’d learned the hard way.

Or so I’d been told…

“Thought I’d find you out here.” Mom slipped through the open window in my room and joined me out on fire escape. “What are we wishing for tonight, Trevor?”

For as long as I could remember, Mom and I wished for things that never came. From the first moment she taught me the silly nursery rhyme and said, “Hold your breath and wish really hard,” we’d been doing it. Though the older I got, and then became of working age, the less these bonding moments happened.

“My Prince Charming.”

“That’s a wonderful wish, my love.” Mom kissed the top of my head. “But it’s getting chilly and if we don’t slip back inside we’ll be wishing for cold medicine. Besides, we have an early morning tomorrow.”

“’K, Mom, just one more minute.”

She left me to my thoughts and as I stared up at the shiny stars I silently wished again before I slid inside and closed the window. With Bumble in hand, a bumble bee stuffie I’d had since forever, I popped my binky in and curled up in bed.

In my opinion, Sundays always went by way too fast.

Though that was partially the fault of my body which refused to sleep for an entire eight-hour period. Maybe I’d hit eight over two or three nights in a row, but I’d never been much of a sleeper. Thankfully I wasn’t a troublemaker either, though it scared the bejesus out of mom the first time she heard the TV come on in the middle of night. There I sat, about eighteen months, old flipping through the channels. She fell asleep on the couch beside me that night. I don’t know how she made it all these years dealing with me, but the woman was truly a saint.

One of many things most daddies couldn’t seem to handle when “dealing” with me was the excess energy. Dealing with me . Such a negative connotation, but it fit given they weren’t very nice to me. None of them ever tried to figure out a way to calm me down.

Was I destined to grow old alone?

Living with mom was always an option, and not a bad one either.

We kept no secrets from each other, except for one.

I felt awful about that, but given the fact the men I’d been with called me a freak when I latched onto their nipples for too long, it was the one secret I would have to take to my grave.

Let’s not forget about the guy I fell asleep on while sucking his winky. That did not go over well at all. We definitely had different views of happy endings for sure. The fact that I was jarred awake when he yanked my hair and came all over my face, and then proceeded to tell me to get the fuck out, was a lesson learned the hard way.

And now once again here I was, still beating myself up as memory after memory resurfaced until the morning alarm went off.

L.O.S.E.R.

That was me in a twenty-year-old nutshell.

“Rise and shine, Bumble.” I slid out of bed and tucked him back in, then grabbed my clothes and headed across the hall into the bathroom. Mom and I only had the one, but she got up before me and did her thing first. Then we had breakfast together and we’d be off to another fun-filled day at Sunrise Elementary School.

“Morning, Mom.”

“Good morning, love. Breakfast is almost ready.”

I poured a cup of coffee and took a seat at the small two-person dining table in our apartment. For all my life it had been me and Mom against the world. She never spoke of my father, and I never asked, and to the best of my knowledge she had never dated.

Mom was my biggest cheerleader, never a negative word was said to me, and she encouraged me to be myself. She still hung the pictures I made on the fridge and never batted an eye when I colored her a new one. When I came out to her a few years back she squealed and hugged me and said, “I’m so proud of you, Trevor.”

“Proud of me?” I was stunned, not only at her easy acceptance, which on my part wasn’t bright, but by her words.

“Yes. I raised you to believe in yourself, and you have. You’ve stayed true to you and that’s what matters most.”

My mom was seriously the best.

“Here you go,” She slid a plate of pancakes in front of me with a raspberry smiley face on top. “The bus leaves in thirty minutes.”

The kindergarten teacher in her always shone through in her words. She never cursed, was widely versed on all the popular cartoons and most of her phrases, such as the one she just said, revolved around school-related themes.

I, on the other hand, rolled with the glamorous role of a custodian at the same school. The very one which I had attended. Yes, I too can throw a verse but evidently I don’t wander far from the proverbial nest.

A glamorous career?

It was anything but, but it was a job just the same. And one mom helped me get so I’d do my best not to screw it up and make her, or me, look bad. Plus, I got to play with the kids in the afterschool program while we waited for their parents to pick them up. To me that was the best way to end the day.

Still, nothing assuaged the loneliness when I crawled into bed each night and curled up with Bumble.

During the day I mostly worked alone. My supervisor, Mike, was the lead custodian and pretty laid back. We each had our assigned daily tasks to complete, and he trusted me to do them. First thing when I clocked in I grabbed the pinchers which were used to pick up trash, and a bucket. I’m sure they had a technical name, but the pinchers were fun, and I got to work cleaning up the parking lot. As soon as the class bell rang I’d switch to clearing the playgrounds of any debris.

Sigh …I wanted to swing and play on the merry go round so bad, but the grown-ups wouldn’t be happy if I did. Those are for the kids , Mrs. Mackey, my old third grade teacher said the first time she caught me on it. You’re a grown-up, Trevor, act like one.

Mom wasn’t a fan of Mrs. Mackey either. But I still wasn’t allowed to stick my tongue out at her no matter how badly I wanted to. Spent time in the principal’s office for that one as a student. But the urge to do it again was strong.

Can janitors get sent to the principal’s office?

Every day it was the same thing. Get up, go to work, have lunch with mom, clock out, hang out in mom’s classroom during the afterschool program. Go home, have dinner with mom then do it all over again.

My life was a literal version of the movie Groundhog Day, grade school style.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother more than anything in the world and we lived a great life. I had everything I’d ever need. A roof over my head, food in my belly and warm clothes. But was it wrong of me to long for something more? Someone who gets me and my kinks? Someone to hold me? Someone to just…someone.

“What’s the matter, baby boy?” Mom asked.

My lengthy silence during the drive home was anything but normal. Usually, I played DJ and sang along with every song that came on. But today, I wasn’t feeling it. Even Tay-Tay didn’t grab me.

“Did you know what you wanted to be when you were twenty?”

She took her time, carefully organizing her words. Mom wasn’t one to say things she’d regret. Always careful not to break another’s spirit and was never mean, nasty, or rude.

“For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a mom.”

I sighed, having heard that many times.

“Seriously, Trevor. I remember all the way back to fifth grade when I knew it. I love kids, I always have.”

“Is that why you became a teacher?”

“It is. Let’s pick up dinner on the way home. We can talk more there. How about a kid’s meal?” Mom had a way of turning my moods around and fueling my fast-food toy collection. Plus, nuggies and dippy sauces were a win-win in my book.

“’Kay but it’s my treat tonight and I want two meals.”

“Sounds fair to me.” She winked and pulled into the drive-thru at my favorite place.

I nearly squealed and had to sit on my hands to avoid clapping. Not that mom would shame me for it, but that side of me I still didn’t fully understand so how could I even begin to explain it to her?

So much for thinking that kink app would help me. All it did was get the guys I met up with off and diminish any hope I had of finding myself, let alone my forever.

“Trevor, take the bags to the kitchen while I get changed.”

“Okay, Mom.”

By the time she came back, I had both our places at the table set. My dippy sauces were in the lid of the nuggie box and my fries were ready for dippy, dippy, dippy yumminess.

Mom poured a glass of water and took her seat across from me. In my mind, I was already playing with the new toys that came with my meals, and it wasn’t duplicates this time which was awesome. But her words as she finished our conversation stunned me to the point that my brain froze.

“I never knew your father, not really.”

Wait. What?

“As you know, I grew up in this very town where everyone knows, well, everyone and everything and I couldn’t wait to get out of it and college was my ticket. I wanted to break free far away from here. And believe me, I did.”

Stunned silence. That best described me right now so much, so I hadn’t swallowed the food in my mouth.

“College was a great experience for me, and I regret nothing. Least of all you. It was my senior year when I got pregnant. We were at the same party, dancing and flirting. Next thing you know, well, you can figure it out from there.” Mom blushed and triggered mine. “One thing led to another and that was that. I never saw him again after that night, nor did I look for him. I made it through graduation with barely a baby bump, then came back home and a few months later, had the beautiful baby boy I’d always dreamed of.

“Grandma and Grandpa weren’t happy, but I was ecstatic. I worked two jobs, and they watched you for me. Then when I finally got on full time at Sunrise, we got our own place. With that position, I was able to cut back to just one job and have more time with you.”

“So, I have a dad somewhere?” Duh, dork . Well, unless…but now I knew that wasn’t possible though for most of my life I figured I was an invitro baby.

“Most likely. I’m sorry I kept this from you. For years I feared you’d ask, and I had no answer for you, and I hated that. But I have no regrets. You are the love of my life and never a day has gone by that I regretted the life we built for a single moment, Trevor.”

“Grandma never said anything to me about any of this.”

Mom laughed. “That was a miracle in itself because telling that woman anything was akin to announcing it over the PA system at the mall.”

Just that quickly the levity Mom and I always enjoyed was back. But can I just say?

Mind. Blown.