Chapter 18 #2
“They’ll send me away. I don’t mean to rehab and back, like half of our classmates.
I know them, and they will send me away from here.
They will make me leave you guys. Leave Alatheia.
By the time I get back, it’ll be too late for me with her, and you know it.
You’ll all be cemented into your roles in the relationship and I’ll be gone.
I know I said I didn’t want to do this, before I met her, but I do.
I don’t want to be on the outside. I can’t leave. Do you understand?”
Barrett hugged his brother, which meant I had to let go, but I didn’t mind. I sniffled, glad they shared the moment.
“I let you down. I let them take you,” Barrett said, tears running down his cheeks as he wept into his brother’s neck. Julian audibly sucked in a breath.
The moment charged with electricity, intense emotions filling the room in a way that never happened. I rubbed my arms, feeling part of something, too.
“No,” Phoenix said roughly and gripped him back like his life depended on it.
“You don’t get it. We all had friends in that group. From the lake, among the people who came up every year.”
His younger brother wept, too. “Yeah, I know. Mine died. Walter and River died.”
“Yes, they did, but it wasn’t your fault.
It’s mine. I wanted to be alone with my friends, and I didn’t let you all hang out with me.
I tried to look cool, because one of my so-called friends called me a rich loser.
Tess? Anyway, I heard our fathers talking about Tess possibly being the girl for all of us, and I hated her.
But, still, fuck, if I had to marry her, she should at least find me cool.
So to impress her, I told you to get away, hoping for alone time with Tess and Gordan. Instead, someone took you.”
“No!” Julian’s shout caught all of our attention, and we stared as tears ran down his face.
“We were ten, eleven, and twelve. We never should’ve been allowed on the beach at midnight alone.
You were twelve. You weren’t responsible for us.
You were a kid, but that’s not what you tell yourself, is it, Barrett?
Even now. For years, you handled things, leaving us alone in the apartment because you thought you should take care of us since you were about fifteen.
No, I won’t let you spend one more day taking responsibility for what happened.
Some sick bad person or people took our brother, but he lived.
We don’t know why yet, but thank you to the universe or god or whatever for it.
Beyond that, every single adult was responsible for what happened. Every single one.”
We all breathed hard, emotion riding us as if we ran a race.
Julian continued, saying, “Phoenix, I wouldn’t ever move on without you.
If they sent you somewhere, we would just wait for you to come home.
Otherwise, I go with you. Okay? Hell, we’ll all go with you.
We don’t do this without you anymore. It’s all of us or nothing.
” He smacked down his fist, and his brothers covered it with their own, making a stack until they broke with laughter.
He wiped at his face, staring at me. “Thank you. I love you.”
“Don’t thank me,” I said, but my voice wavered.
“Well, this is a lot of emotion for people who pretend we feel nothing but disdain.” Jeremy squeezed Phoenix’s arm. “You don’t know they would send you away, but we can’t guarantee they wouldn’t. None of us will ever really know what they would or wouldn’t do. Let’s get out of here.”
His abrupt shift must have hit all of us strangely, because the room fell silent. Finally, Barrett laughed. “Where do you propose we go?”
Jeremy shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Dinner in Riverdale. In honor of Granny. Makes sense to me.”
Actually, I loved the idea. “Should we invite her?”
“She’s away,” Barrett answered. It didn’t surprise me in the least that he would know. “She is in Westport with friends.”
“Then in her honor without her.” Phoenix grinned. He must have liked the idea. “But why are we going to the Bronx for Dina?”
Barrett laughed and patted him on the back. “Still a little bit out of it?”
“Yeah, but not in a dark way. Kind of what I was hoping for in general.” He shrugged. “So, why the Bronx?”
“She used to live there, back when she first got married.”
He nodded. “Okay, sounds good. Let’s move. You learn about it from the journal?”
“I did.”
Julian sighed. “He gave you dark weed, let’s call it that. Darkweed, like it’s one word.”
“Look at the writer, coming up with creative names.” He pounded on Julian’s shoulder, and he outright laughed.
The darkness vanished, banished from the apartment by their laughter.
I glanced at Jeremy, realizing he liked to take care of everyone else.
He fixed, so I hugged him. He startled, then squeezed me against his body.
Once I spun out of his arms, I hugged Julian for his eloquent ability to address the elephant in the room.
He wasn’t wrong; the adults had fucked up the situation, and we were left with the fallout.
He kissed my forehead. “Love you, Baby.”
Finally, I hugged Barrett, breathing his steady scent deep into my lungs. “I wasn’t there, but I know for a fact it wasn’t your fault. Also, can I just point out how gross it is if they were matchmaking you at twelve?”
He shook his head. “Right? It’s probably always going to feel like it was my fault, but thank you, Sweetheart. I love you. I love having you here.”
Finally, I hugged Phoenix again, sighing my way back into his arms. “You scared me. I’m so glad you were trying for a change you hoped would help. I mean it. If they sent you away, it would leave a gaping hole in our lives. There’s no moving on without you, so don’t ever worry about that.”
He kissed the end of my nose. “Okay, I believe you. Thank you. I love you.”
I sighed, relaxing into his touch. They felt like home, and if I was honest, I felt safe. As if for once the world might not rip me away from where I wanted to be…
He blinked. “How was the Met with Murial?
I laughed. “So weird. I mean so, so weird.” I stepped away, grinning up at him. “I don’t think I can express how weird.”
Jeremy patted Phoenix on the back. “Davis is in love with her.”
Phoenix growled. “I hate that fucker.”
I grinned. Okay. Phoenix is back.
They picked an Irish Pub for dinner, but none of them bothered to pull out fake IDs. They ordered sodas and water, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the scary bartender or for my sake.
Dina lived there with her husbands once, and she painted her downstairs red.
Mostly because she was bored. I tried to imagine Dina bored, and couldn’t imagine her sitting still long enough to get bored.
She always seemed to be in motion, going somewhere or doing something, thinking about things, and helping in some way.
I tried to imagine leaving her home to tend the house, and I giggled.
“You’re thinking about something?” Julian asked and tapped my foot.
Barrett grinned. “I noticed, too, but I’m less rude.”
“I would share, but it’s meant to be a surprise from Dina to all of you, so I can’t. I was thinking about her life, that’s all.”
I glanced out the window then, just turning my head, and the flash of glass caught my eye. That’s when I spotted the figure outside with a camera. I groaned and pointed with my thumb. “It’s the PI. He’s out there right now.”
“Really?” Barrett leaned across the table to try to spot him. “That’s him?”
I forgot only Phoenix and I had ever seen him before, so I pointed and clarified. “That’s him. The last time we saw him, Phoenix gave him the finger.”
Jeremy snorted. “You did?”
“Yeah, totally. Watch, I’ll do it again.
” He sat forward and extended his middle finger so that the PI could snap pictures through the window.
All three of the guys did the same and I cracked up.
I didn’t bother to give him the finger. I wouldn’t risk doing anything that could get me sent away.
They couldn’t stop the Lents from being profane, but I would be in serious trouble.
.maybe. I honestly didn’t know any of the rules or where my barriers might actually be.
I chewed on my bottom lip. “I hope Kit can get me some answers this week.”
I would love to know why they’re having a high school student followed.
I turned away from the window, though, refusing to worry about it.
Let them take pictures of us eating dinner and walking through parks.
We didn’t say anything incriminating or even so much as hold hands.
Overall, probably the most benign day ever, once we left the apartment.
Luckily, they couldn’t get pictures of us at home, because I wouldn’t want ones for Phoenix’s sake.
I didn’t know what my family would do to him out of spite and meanness.
Or to fuck with me, because they know it would hurt me if they hurt him.
“I think we should try to get some Knicks tickets. I want to see them in the Garden,” Jeremy said and played with his straw. “You know you all want to go with me.”
I tried to focus on the moment, on the conversation, and the company of the men around me. Knicks are…basketball?
Our lives fell into a routine again, which I loved.
The explosion of feelings over Phoenix’s darkweed experience cooled down the world around us, like a thunderstorm leading into cooler autumnal temperatures.
Kit promised to talk to me at the twin s’ birthday dinner about some things he found out.
In the meantime, I at least had a health insurance card for my medical needs, which was a huge relief.