Chapter 24
24
Katy/Katherine
O ne deep breath later and I pushed open the door to the daycare. School had been in session for six weeks already. Liam had finally settled into the daycare, but I still checked in on him from time-to-time, usually a couple times a week during lunch so I could help feed him. The days varied as I’d check to see if Peter was in with him first before heading inside. Seeing Peter daily in class was more than enough, I didn’t want to spend time watching him with Liam.
And that was a lie.
A big, fat, giant fish story of a whopper.
On the days that I showed up to find Peter already there, I stuck around, hiding so he wouldn’t see me, but I watched. Watched and ached, wishing I was there with him. It was—had been—my dream for as long as I could remember. Me, holding our baby as he and Jason—later Jarrod was added—watched. Or the reverse with one of them holding our baby. Instead, I had to watch them act out my dreams with someone else’s child. And in what could only defy science, as I watched, my heart both shattered and melted.
I was a mess. A big fucking mess.
I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. If I wasn’t thinking about them, I was worrying about Ethan’s question which I still hadn’t answered. But with the dance happening next week, I really needed to make a decision. One I couldn’t make without discussing it with them.
Crap-fucking-tastic.
Oh, yeah. All of this caused me to start swearing in my mind.
“Katy. How nice to see you. Liam will be excited.” Susan pointed to where Liam was in his exersaucer, banging on some of the toys.
“Thanks, Susan. Do you know who’s picking him up tonight?”
She canted her head to the side as she examined me, knowing I’d just spent the last hour and a half with Peter. “I think it’s Peter…”
I nodded, but didn’t offer her more information, knowing she wouldn’t push. She was like that. It’s why, when it was just the two of us, she always referred to him as Peter instead of Mr. Evans because she heard me calling him that when I spoke to Liam. Instead, I placed my backpack with Liam’s diaper bag and then made my way over to him.
As soon as he saw me, he smiled, held up his little arms, started kicking his feet, and used his new trick of babbling. Unable to resist, I swooped in, lifting him out of his seat as I pressed kisses all over his chubby cheeks.
He laughed.
My eyes grew large as I held him away from me so I could watch his face. “Did you just laugh, Little Man? Were you laughing at my kisses?”
He laughed. Again. His first full-blown belly laughs that I’d heard.
“Well, that’s a wonderful sound to hear.” Susan patted my back. “That’s the first time I’ve heard him do that.”
I grinned. This would be just one more milestone I could lord over his fathers. So far, if there had been a competition, I would be winning since Liam seemed to do things first in front of me. He rolled over for all of us almost a month ago—early for his age—when he’d been on the floor doing tummy time after we’d had supper.
“Next thing you know, he’ll be crawling,” Susan said from somewhere behind me.
My grin grew bigger as I focused on Liam. “Watch this.”
I put Liam down on the floor on his tummy and then I sat down a few feet from him. He’d done this today at lunch when no one was in the room, so I hoped he’d do it again. “Li-am,” I called, stretching out his name as I shook a rattle. “Come get it, sweet boy.”
He lifted his head, pushing up on his hands as he pulled his little legs up to his side. I held the rattle out to him. He started to rock, lifting one hand and then the other as he tried to move. I repeated the process. His face scrunched up in concentration as he stared at me.
And then he did it.
He inched forward. It wasn’t a complete crawl on his hands and knees, but it was a crawl. It looked like how soldiers did it when they crawled under the barbed wire on their obstacle courses.
I continued to hold out the rattle, but he crawled right past it, not stopping until he climbed into my lap. I lifted him, kissing his head. “You’re such a big boy.”
“I can’t believe he did that. You’re amazing with him, Katy.”
At the sound of Peter’s voice, I jumped, startling Liam and causing him to cry out. I shushed him, telling him I was sorry for scaring him as I stood. “Ho-how long have you been here?”
“Since his belly laugh. I didn’t get it on video, but I did get him crawling.” He stepped into my personal space, filling my nostrils with the scent of his cologne. The one I purchased for him last Christmas. I hadn’t smelt it in class since he’d been at the front while I continued to sit towards the back, keeping my distance even when I didn’t have Liam in class. The scent intensified as he pressed a kiss to Liam’s head as Liam snuggled against my chest.
“He didn’t nap as long today. A couple of the other babies were having a bad day and kept waking him up. But he was a trooper and didn’t really cry.”
“Thanks Susan. I’m glad he didn’t give you any problems.”
“Him?” Susan scoffed. “He’s a sweetie. I just have to keep Missy away from him and he’s perfectly fine.”
I swallowed my laugh, making me snort which in turn made Liam treat us all to another belly laugh. I knew there was some old saying about babies knowing the character of people and it sounded like Liam was certainly one of them since he had Missy pegged.
“Well, that’s good to know. I guess I should get him home. Katy, do you need a ride?”
“Please. Mom left me a voicemail, saying that she was sorry, but she was called in early for her shift tonight.”
“Not a problem. And since you’ll be all alone, you should just stay and eat supper with us. Maybe you can get him to crawl some more so Jason and Jarrod can see it live.”
“If you haven’t already baby proofed your house, now’s the time, because he’s going to be getting into everything,” Susan threw out, reminding me that it was something I’d wanted to talk to them about. Maybe while we were working on that, I’d grow the courage to talk to them about the dance. Probably not, but at least I could hope.
Once we were seated in the car, Peter placed his hand on my thigh. “What’s wrong, Katy-bear? You’re looking tired and I swear you’re losing weight.”
I shrugged, not knowing what to say or how to start even as tears stung my eyes, wanting to fall. Despite the time and distance between us, nothing had clarified in my mind. I still couldn’t sort through all my feelings. I’d thought about calling Diane, my old therapist, but what could I say to her? I couldn’t tell her about Peter because his job would have been on the line. I wasn’t even sure I could say anything about Jason or Jarrod because I worried that she’d think they were taking advantage of me or that I was acting out in response to the attack. I mean, why else would I be lusting over men who were twelve years older than me? It certainly couldn’t be because they were amazing, caring men who treated me like a queen. Sure, they weren’t perfect, they’d hurt me, but that could have happened with anyone. Mason hurt me as well and he hadn’t treated me half as well as they did, do. And he’d been my age.
“You know you can tell me, us, anything. We’re here like we’ve always been even if you needed some distance from us, from me. I, we, won’t ever turn you away.” He started the car when I didn’t answer. “I miss you, Katy.”
As he drove through the town to our houses, a stray tear or two defied me, forging a path down my cheeks. I was tired. So very tired. It felt like everything was closing in on me, weighing me down, and I needed an outlet. A safe one or it was all going to explode out of me, injuring people. And that wasn’t something I wanted to happen.
By the time, Peter parked the car, I knew I needed to tell him everything. And since his was the only car, I knew now was the time. Maybe telling just one of them instead of all three would make it easier.
“Are you coming over for supper?” Peter squeezed my thigh, pulling me out of my head.
“Can we talk?” I asked, not answering his question, mostly because I didn’t know what my answer would be. It would all depend on how our conversation went.
“Of course. Come in and we’ll get Liam sorted. Then we can talk. If we don’t already have something prepared for supper, I’ll order. That way we won’t have to worry about that while we’re talking.”
I nodded.
Within ten minutes, I sat on the couch, holding Liam as I fed the tired boy his bottle.
“We’d planned on cooking pork chops tonight so pizza it is, unless you’d like some Chinese food. We hadn’t had it in a bit.”
At the mention of Chinese food, my stomach grumbled, making Peter laugh. “Chinese it is.”
He sat down beside me, turning so that he was facing me. “Now tell me what’s going on. What’s got you so worked up that you’re not sleeping or eating properly?”
“It’s…” I took a deep breath as I berated myself. I was stronger than this. Despite everything, this was Peter. The man who held me after my father was killed. Never letting me go until I started to speak again. “It’s the dance next week.”
Peter waited, letting me take my time. Liam chose that minute to fall sound asleep in my arms.
“Let me put him down in his crib. Then we can talk undisturbed.” He lifted Liam from my arms, rubbing his back to burp him as he walked away.
Before I was ready, he returned, taking a seat a little closer to me. Close enough that I could feel his body heat without him touching me. I pulled strength from that closeness and began to explain. “Ethan asked me to go with him to the dance.”
He nodded. “And you want to go with him. Or is it that you don’t want to go with him?”
“Both.” I shrugged as a small, borderline hysterical chuckle left my mouth. “I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go, but all my friends are so we planned it as a group event even if people are bringing dates.”
“So, it’s the date part that has you worried?” He didn’t wait for me to confirm or deny, knowing his question didn’t really need an answer. “You should go with him. He’s a nice guy.”
“B-but aren’t you a chaperone?”
“I am and if you’re worried about how I’ll feel, seeing you with him, don’t be. I see you every day with him.” He took my hand in his. “When we told you that we wanted you to experience the things we got, we meant it. That means that we might have to watch you going out with other people.”
“B-but won’t that hurt? Make you jealous?” That’s how it made me feel and I’d hated every moment of it.
He took a deep breath. “Can I be honest with you, Katy?”
I nodded. I always wanted him to be honest even if it hurt because dishonesty hurt more. The honest wound was like a cut from a knife. It hurt but would heal in time. But the wound from dishonesty was like being cut by a knife dipped in poison that didn’t have an antidote. The wound never healed correctly as the poison kept popping it back open.
“It won’t be easy, but I’d survive because all I want is your happiness. I caused this mess between us and if I have to hurt a little so that you’re happy, I’d gladly pay the price. It’s the least I can do.” He squeezed my hand. “Now what else is on your mind because I know that’s not all of it?”
“You’re right, it’s not all.” I wanted to pull my hand away, knowing that I shouldn’t take comfort from his touch when I told him the rest, but I couldn’t make my hand move. I needed his touch. I’d missed it so much. Maybe if I were older, I’d handle all the things about Liam in a better way but wishes weren’t fishes. I couldn’t just scoop one out of the water with a net. Instead of releasing him, I gripped his hand tighter, staring at the difference in colour between our skin tones. “Ethan wants me to be his fake girlfriend to appease his parents and to be a barrier for him from the girls at school.”
“And how do you feel about that?” He used two fingers to lift my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. “I know your heart, sweetheart. You always want to help. And if you’re worried about me, us, about how we’ll handle it, don’t. It’s the same as with the dance. We’ll figure it out.”
“Are you sure?” I couldn’t help but ask, needing the confirmation. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting or what I’d dreamed to have happen. Had I wanted him to fall on his knees before me, begging me not to do it because it would tear his heart out? Or had I wanted him to get angry, to yell at me, telling me about how worthless I was and how he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore? So, this answer, confused me. It was mature, thought out. And made me fall a little deeper in love with him. Craptastic. I was so screwed.
“I am. You helping him will make you happy. And your happiness is all I ever want.”
“B-but it hurt me to watch you with others. And this would be every day. You’d have to see me with him.” My words were almost angry as if I wanted him to fight me on this. What the fuck is wrong with me?
He cradled my cheek in his hand. “Of course it will hurt. I’ll want to rip his hands from you. I already feel that when I see you with him, but this is right. This is something you need to do. I don’t ever want to control you, to make you feel pressured. You hold the power here, with us. All I can do is be the support you need, giving you the freedom to spread your wings, and hope that one day, your wings will fly you back to me.”
And then, despite the break-up? the pause on our relationship? he kissed me. A sweet, gentle kiss that branded my soul. It was filled with love, with compassion, with courage, and most importantly, with understanding.
That’s when the tears fell.