Chapter Thirty-Eight
‘You invited Daniel?’ Myfanwy is shaking her head, her mouth gaping at this news. ‘I knew you’d been texting a bit, but have you been seeing each other again?’
I shake my head. ‘No, not at all. Not since that mushrooms night.’ I grimace, remembering again how weird that was. ‘He’s mentioned wanting to talk a couple of times, but he’s also been quite good about not putting pressure on me.’ I pause. ‘I don’t know why I haven’t had The Chat with him yet…’ I shrug. ‘My only excuse is that he does genuinely seem quite different these days. I thought maybe it would actually be quite nice to see him and catch up here. One-on-one seemed a bit too intense; this way there’s no pressure.’
Myfanwy watches me carefully. ‘What about Zach?’
I smile, feeling clear about him for the first time since we met. ‘We’re just mates. Honestly, Myfe. We talked things through and I’ll tell you all about it another time, but we really are just friends. I’m happy about it, too.’
Myfanwy raises her eyebrows. ‘OK.’ She pauses. ‘You better get out there then.’
Daniel has his back to me as I make a slow approach, standing at the bar, talking to the now-attentive bartender.
I know he will be ordering a lager, even though he prefers a white wine spritzer. He is afraid of men thinking he is not like them. That he is too flamboyant and energetic for other men. It always made me sad, seeing the way he would tamp down his boyish girlishness when he was around his friends.
Daniel turns and I am surprised to see that I’m wrong. He is holding a white wine spritzer after all.
God, maybe he really has changed.
‘Ginny!’ His joy at seeing me is genuine and with one arm he gathers me up in a hug. I find my face next to the wine, the smell making me want one.
‘Hi Daniel,’ I say happily. ‘It’s really good to see you.’ I am surprised again to find that I mean it. I thought I’d have a strange and confusing set of feelings when I next saw him.
But it is only one feeling, a very straightforward feeling, and I identify it easily.
‘You too,’ he beams, waving back towards the bar. ‘Can I get you a drink?’ I nod and we stand side by side as I order, ‘What he’s having.’
‘You’ll never believe it,’ I say, turning to him. ‘Shawn did a big announcement thingy – him and Toni are moving in together!’
‘Wow.’ Daniel’s eyes widen. ‘How do you feel about that?’
‘Well,’ I say carefully, ignoring the obvious shock and confusion. ‘She seems very happy so we’re all happy for her.’
‘Got it,’ he nods, message received. He looks down, acknowledging my dress and smiles widely. ‘You look great, Gin! Is that another special from Celeste’s wardrobe?’
‘It never even made it as far as the wardrobe,’ I confide. ‘It came straight from the Evri delivery driver to my body. It may be hell most of the time, but there are occasional benefits to being a 32-year-old woman living with her mother.’
He nods, looking a little shamefaced. After all, he is the reason I’m there.
But I find I don’t mind – I don’t blame him.
I’ve forgiven him, I realize. Properly this time.
I don’t think I could feel the way I’m feeling towards him now if I hadn’t fully let it go.
‘Shall we dance?’ I smile, grabbing his hand and leading him towards the dancefloor.
He obligingly starts bouncing around to the Taylor Swift song blasting over the speakers. I forgot what an adorably goofy dancer he is. It was always another thing he worried about doing in public, but he shows no signs of embarrassment or reticence now. We make eye contact as he does the robot dance, and both burst out laughing.
As the song segues smoothly from one to another, he leans a little closer, still dance-bouncing.
‘Hey, I’m sorry about everything that’s happened these last nine months,’ he yells in the direction of my ear. I wave the apology away.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I say dismissively. He stops bouncing, suddenly looking very serious. He regards me for a moment and then grabs my hand, leading me away from the dancing to some chairs in a quieter corner. He sits me down and takes a seat opposite, still giving me the same serious look.
Oh god, he’s going to say it. We’re finally going to have The Chat.
And I’m ready now. I know what I need to say.
‘You have to stop dismissing my apology,’ he begins, eyebrows knitted together. ‘You’ve done it every time I’ve said sorry and I need you to really hear me.’
I mirror his serious expression. ‘But I already accepted your apology that first day you came to see me – months ago, when you showed up at my mum’s house out of nowhere. You said sorry and I said it was OK.’
He shakes his head. ‘I know you did, and I was so relieved at first. But it took me about four seconds to realize you obviously didn’t mean it.’ He sounds frustrated. ‘I could see you were doing your usual thing of letting me off the hook.’ He pauses. ‘You forget I know you. You were always forgiving me too easily when I didn’t deserve it.’ He takes a deep shuddery breath. ‘I did something unforgivably awful to you. The way I ended things… the way I just left without a word. That was the lowest I’ve ever sunk. It was the worst thing I’ve maybe ever done to another person, and then to cut you off with barely a word…’ He stops, his breathing ragged as he tries to keep it together. ‘And to do it to you of all people…’ He looks down at his lap and I wait patiently for him to get his emotions in check. ‘I would understand if you could never forgive me but I want you to really hear how sorry I am and how terrible I’ve felt. I’ve talked to my friends a lot in the last few months and a couple of the best of them gave me a proper reality check. I heard some home truths about my immaturity level. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life being incredibly selfish and blinkered. I put myself first all the time, always looking for the next big adventure without considering you in any of it. It was always about me and I can see that now. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and trying to be better. Honestly, I barely recognize that awful childish idiot guy from last June who did that terrible thing to you.’ He looks at me, adding quickly, ‘Not that I’m trying to shift the blame! I deserve every bit of it and if you never wanted to see me again, I’d more than get it.’
I smile warmly, fully feeling every word he’s said. After a moment, I reach across and take his hand.
‘I forgive you, Daniel,’ I tell him simply. ‘I really do.’ I pause. ‘I admit, you’re right, I hadn’t back then – it was too soon. I had to fully process what had happened and feel it. I had to be on my own for a while and figure things out. I had to miss you and hate you for a while, but I really am OK with what happened now. I promise. It was bad, but I’m over it.’
‘Really?’ His eyes look overly bright and shiny. ‘You honestly feel that way?’
I nod and take a deep breath. It’s time to tell him how I feel.
‘Listen, Daniel, I’m so sorry, but I don’t love you. Not anymore. I don’t think we should get back together. I don’t want to hurt you and I’ve realized tonight how much I care for you – as a friend. But I know for sure that it’s not more than that. I really have forgiven you, I promise you that, but I don’t think we could ever work together, not really. I’m too much of an introvert for you. You need someone fun and full of life and energy. I don’t have the right components for you.’ I pause. ‘And you don’t have the right ones for me. I don’t want us to get back together – I hope that’s OK.’
He blinks a few times.
‘Huh?’ he says at last, dumbly.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I say again, feeling awful. I hope he’s not going to cry.
‘Oh Ginny, no!’ He looks mortified. ‘Did you think I was hassling you all this time to get back together? I’m such an idiot, of course you would’ve thought that! I just wanted to say sorry properly, even if you couldn’t forgive me.’ He grimaces before adding sheepishly, ‘I’m so relieved you have forgiven me, but it sounds like I should say sorry again. I really didn’t mean to make you think I wanted to give our relationship another go. I just regret so much the way I acted and wanted to be sure you knew it was my fault.’ He cocks his head at me. ‘You always had a bit of a tendency for blaming yourself for things, so I was worried you thought it was something you’d done. And it wasn’t! You were the best girlfriend, always so thoughtful and kind.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘For ages after I left, I couldn’t understand why I’d done it. Everyone around me kept saying how good we were together. My mate Jimmy would hound me with whys every time I saw him – we had the shittest time in Amsterdam because he wouldn’t let up! He kept going on about how lovely you are and how we never seemed to argue.’ He sighs and I think back to those miserable, sleepless nights looking through Jimmy’s Instagram pictures from that trip, thinking how happy and carefree Daniel looked. ‘But,’ he begins again, ‘I realized that was kinda the problem. Um…’ he hesitates. ‘Not you being lovely, but us never arguing. I’ve realized in this past year that I’m also a people pleaser.’ He meets my eyes and smiles sheepishly. ‘While you’ve been focusing on our clashing introverted and extroverted natures, I’ve been considering those traits we share that are too similar! I know I gave you a hard time sometimes about your people pleasing, but I’ve realized I was doing it too. I bounced around, saying yes to every invitation, saying yes to all the work, saying yes to the people I love.’ He frowns. ‘Saying yes to getting married. I never wanted to be a disappointment. But I was so focused on making sure everyone else was happy, including you, that I didn’t stop to realize I wasn’t happy.’ He gulps. ‘Sometimes everything can seem perfect. It can be the life you thought you wanted for yourself – what everyone around you thinks you should have – but it still doesn’t feel right.’
I nod. He made himself unhappy, trying to make me happy. Just like I was doing. How stupid. Why is it so hard for people to be honest with each other – with themselves? And why does it seem to be so much harder with the people closest to us?
I sit back in my chair. And he doesn’t want to get back together! I was so sure. I’ve been so bloody worried about telling him I didn’t want to be with him! I feel like such an idiot.
‘Hold on…’ I begin, unable to fully move the subject on just yet. ‘But you seemed so jealous that night, when you met Mikey. When we all did mushrooms?’
He shrugs, a bit uncomfortable. ‘Well yeah, I didn’t really love that, I’ll admit it. I might be sure we’re broken up for the right reasons and be OK with it, but it’s still hard for me to see you with someone else!’ He pauses. ‘But to be honest, I was more jealous of that ridiculously good-looking other dude.’ He narrows his eyes in the direction of Zach, across the room dancing. ‘Zach, was it? I know he was only there for a few minutes but I could see right away how much you fancied each other.’ He laughs. ‘Even through my mushroom haze.’ He leans in, a small smile playing on his lips. ‘I noticed he’s here tonight – are you seeing him?’
‘Zach?’ I am shocked by this. ‘No, no, it wasn’t like that, it isn’t like that! We’re just friends.’ Why do I have to keep saying this to people? It’s so depressing that people can’t accept a man and a woman can be just friends.
‘Right!’ Daniel snorts. There is silence for a second before he smiles shyly. ‘So… you think you and me can be friends? For real?’
I smile back. ‘I think it’s worth a try.’
‘In that case,’ he leaps up, reaching for my hands, ‘let’s get back on that dancefloor. I have a lot more awful dancing to show you!’