33. Epilogue
*Six Months Later*
Flowers surround me. Everywhere I look is a kaleidoscope of blue, purple, and yellow hues. It feels dream-like, and my heart tugs knowing how much she would have loved to see this. The wind kisses my skin, and a sigh escapes me as petals fall to the ground around me.
“I’m sorry it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve been able to come see you,” I whisper underneath the wispy branches of the willow where Adonis, Ronan and I had let the wind take Carmen’s ashes. I gather the length of my dress that flows freely with each breeze that greets me, and sit on the ground, setting down the book I had brought her today.
“Now that Ronan is mostly healed, he wanted me to meet his parents.” Absent-mindedly, I twirl the golden band wrapping around my finger like vines, holding an emerald-cut diamond in the center. “I guess it’s something you’re supposed to do when you’re marrying someone whose parents are alive and, well…not terrible people,” I huff out in a laugh.
My fingers brush through the soft grass before I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them while I take in the landscape around me.
“I should have met them at Nathaniel’s funeral, but it didn’t feel right.” The breeze around me picks up just slightly at the mention of his name, and I worry my lip between my teeth as I try to find my next words.
“But I couldn’t meet them for the first time under the pretense of a lie about how I knew him. I couldn’t look into their eyes and apologize for their loss when I still harbored so much anger and resentment towards him.” I push some hair behind my ear so it doesn’t block my view, despite the blurriness of the tears that threaten to spill. “I could tell it was hard for Ronan too…lying about an accident that didn’t happen. Even now, I see how heavy it weighs on him. No matter how wrong Nathaniel’s actions were, he was still his brother, you know? He still loves him.”
By now, my voice wavers and cracks as I remember how much grief I had watched him endure in those first few months. The grief I know he still feels when he wakes up some nights, shaking as sobs wrack his body.
“It was terrifying at first,” I start, changing the topic when too much emotion begins swelling within my chest. The new subject brings about a whole different set of feelings, though. Feelings that have become all too familiar with each visit here we make. “How do you tell your soon-to-be in-laws that their son proposed using a dagger with the question carved into the wooden hilt? A dagger you killed many people with before you realized what its purpose was.” A laugh escapes me for a moment at the absurdity of the situation while a single tear snakes its way down my cheek.
“The answer is, you don’t. We definitely made up a scenario about how he proposed during a cooking lesson. They thought it was adorable.” Another breeze flows through the air, sending my cascading waves to one side.
My head follows the direction it’s being pulled to, and I’m met with the sight of Ronan walking around the flowery grounds. He always does this. He always comes with me for support, but gives me time to myself, and I couldn’t love him more for knowing what I need.
“I’ll never forget the promise I made to you.” Another tear falls down my cheek, and I can’t help but close my eyes, allowing the memories to fall with them. Live. Escape, and live. Live a beautiful life and love. For me. Don’t deny yourself this anymore. “It feels selfish sometimes, but…” I inhale deeply as I attempt to gather the right words for her and this moment.
“I think that one day—if I am allowed the pleasure of seeing you again in the next life—if I live now the way you asked me to, it will become a grand story, and I hope that I can tell it to you.” I admit, reaching for the book I had brought with me. It was still terribly worn and, for the first time, I understand why it had been so well read. Clearing my throat, I stretch my legs out in front of me and lean against the trunk of the tree.
“Speaking of stories, I saved this one for you,” I say, turning the pages. Birds chirp and sing around me as I look at the pages that she had dog-eared and lines she had underlined while looking at the new parts I had highlighted and annotated. “I understand why you read it so much.”
“There was this one line you had marked, on the last bookmarked page. Naturally, I was curious about where you left off, so I went straight there and immediately was drawn to the inked lines beneath the words.” I say, opening the book to the page I have read over and over again, attempting to understand its importance.
“It says, ‘I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.’”
My gaze drifts back to where Ronan stands, his eyes turning to me as if he felt my attention on him. His brilliant smile graces his lips, and my heart stutters at the sight. The serenity of this moment takes away my breath as I look at him and how far he’s come in his healing—both physically and mentally. He begins walking to me, sure and confident in his perfectly fitted gray pants and deep blue button down shirt. As he nears, I slowly stand, turning to face the tree and place a hand on it.
“I think I finally understand what it means,” I whisper, as if it’s a secret just for the two of us, before turning back to the man who has quickly become the only home I have ever known.