Dead Rockstar (The Dead Rockstar Trilogy Book 1)

Chapter 9

The only noisewas the loud rumbling of my engine. I couldn”t get Spotify to work; it kept saying “no connection,” and Phillip was oddly silent as he navigated the truck on the highway. He was leaned back, switching gears like the truck was his. Even though I hated myself for it, it gave me a little thrill to see him driving it. And it gave me plenty of opportunities to sit back and look at him.

He felt my eyes on him and gave me a small smile but said nothing.

I could hardly believe the night before had actually happened– the salt bath, lying against him in the warm water, the tub seeming to expand to fit us both, my head in the crook of his neck, his hair soft and damp against my skin, his voice in my ear as he sang to me. Never in my wildest imaginings could I have conjured up such a perfect moment. I”d never forget the way his breath felt on my forehead, how he smelled, how it felt to have his long, muscular legs wrapped around mine, the feel of his skin against my own, wet from the tub, coarse with salt. It was an odd thing, but sensual and private and perfect.

So perfect that I”d ached with wanting when I had gone to bed a little later, alone. Once the water started to cool to lukewarm, we”d exited the tub, and I”d stood there in the steamy room, staring up at him, waiting for him to say or do something. A signal, a hint of a flush, a look in his eye. But instead he handed me a towel and ran his finger over my cheek. “You still have salt on you,” he”d said.

I held the towel away from me, not wanting to cover up yet, craving more intimacy. “I don”t care,” I said softly.

He had leaned down then, his face inches from mine, breathing deeply, and I felt the thought on his lips. But he seemed to think better of it, and pulled back slightly with a smile, then drew a towel around his waist and left the bathroom.

I”d gone into my room without saying goodnight, confused, slightly hurt and incredibly turned on, and pulled on my pajamas in the dark. I half expected to hear him knock on the door, but he didn”t. I heard the creak of the couch springs, then his light snoring, and after about an hour I”d finally gone to sleep, frustrated but oddly satisfied. Then, an equally perfect but bittersweet moment out on Driftwood Beach, when he”d talked about himself and enveloped me in that warm hug that just felt right.

Now, in the truck, it felt like it all must have been a dream. If not for the little flecks of salt I was still finding stuck to my skin from both the tub and the beach, I would have believed it was. The energy had changed within both of us, and whatever dream-like, magical bonding had taken place had given way to anxious, worried energy.

I didn”t know what to say to him now and figured I probably shouldn”t bring up anything that would only make him worry more. So I stayed quiet. I wished I could have some music, though. The silence was more than deafening and I was starting to feel acutely embarrassed. I fiddled with my phone, closing the app and reopening it, but Spotify still wouldn”t work. Neither would iTunes. It made no sense; I usually had stellar internet connection on the open road. Of course, I knew, in the back of my mind, what it was. The same thing that had rendered my laptop useless and had caused Phillip”s burner phone to keep going off. It was Phillip.

Something – his brainwaves, maybe - fucked with technology. As if this whole thing wasn”t weird enough.

“Sorry.”

“What?”

“None of your shit works around me,” he said.

“Stop doing that!” I said, with mock irritation. “Reading my mind!”

“It”s not on purpose,” he said. “It just sort of happens.”

“One of these days you”ll catch me thinking something I don”t necessarily want you to know, and then I”ll have to throw myself off a building.” He only grinned in response. “Oh god, it”s already happened.”

“It”s been enlightening.” He smirked. “I know that you still crave McDonald”s cheeseburgers, and that your friend with the cool band name is banging an old dude who dresses like Winnie the Pooh-”

“Oh, god, stop.” I groaned, then started to laugh. “Don”t ever tell anybody about the Mickey D”s.”

“I”ll buy you one,” he said in a sly voice. “We”re out on the road, it”s a vacation. Nobody will ever know.”

“No!”

He laughed. I fiddled with the radio and managed to pick up one channel. Through the static I could hear George Jones” booze-soaked crooning of White Lightnin’. Phillip began to sing along in his velvety baritone, and the hair on my arms stood up. It was such a weird juxtaposition – his doom-metal voice lilting along to one of the country greats – but it was absolutely beautiful.

“I know what you”re feeling,” he said, staring at the road, picking up our pre-song conversation. I busied myself looking at a truck we were passing, just like mine but blue. “But don”t worry. I”m not trying to pick up on anything you don”t want me to. I”m working on controlling it. And I”d never knowingly invade your privacy.” He glanced over at me and smiled. “Please don”t be scared of me.”

“I”m not scared of you,” I said.

“You”re wary of me, then,” he said. “I can feel it. It bums me out.”

“I”m not,” I argued. “I swear.”

“Why can”t you look at me, then?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to say, that”s all I”ve been doing. Or, if I look at you, I won”t be able to stop. But both of those things were pathetic, and I was embarrassed enough without being a failure to feminists everywhere. Instead, I changed the subject. “Tell me about where we”re going. Who we”re seeing. The plan.”

“My old neighborhood. I squirreled some money away there once, after our first album went platinum. I had this paranoid idea that banks were evil, or that some accountant at the record label – or one of my bandmates – was going to cheat me. After a while, I was so strung out I forgot about it. I guess it”s a good thing I did, huh?” He looked over at me. “I hope to fuck it”s still there.”

“Where is it?”

“Buried under a tree in my old backyard.”

“Did anybody know it was there? Your family or anybody?”

“Just Jason,” he answered.

“Jason? As in Jason Langley?”

He nodded. There were two remaining members of the band. Nathan “Ollie” Green, the band”s rhythm guitarist, who had totally quit playing music after the deaths of Phillip and Kim but turned up from time to time in skating competitions and also held a monthly column in a local indie rock magazine, where he wrote about the intersection of politics and rock music. Jason Langley, head guitarist and co-founder of Bloomer Demons, was Phillip”s best friend from childhood and was still very much alive but kept a low profile and had done so for over a decade after his last stint in rehab. He”d done the Dr. Drew show, and after that he”d disappeared into the ether. I hadn”t seen any interviews with him or heard of his whereabouts in a long, long time. I had always assumed that was good news, that maybe it meant he was sober. His name still cropped up from time to time on message boards and reddit, but nobody had seen him in the flesh in over a decade. I told this to Phillip, and he nodded with a grim smile.

“Doesn”t surprise me. He always said if he was ever going to truly kick that shit, he”d have to leave the business.” He smiled sadly. “He was so strung out – more so than any of the rest of us, really. We all loved our cocaine and wine, but he was doing heroin and shit, and well...you know the way it goes.”

“After Kurt, it became old hat,” I said.

“Kurt? As in Cobain? What happened to him?” he asked.

“Oh,” I said, realizing. Phillip had died in 1993, a year before Kurt”s very public and very tragic demise. “He uh-”

“Don”t worry about it,” he said, waving a hand. “I can guess. Damn. I liked him. He was so talented. Hell of a nice guy, too nice, really, just very sincere. I was really rooting for him to get it together.”

The irony of this struck me. “It was a whole thing,” I said. “People still have conspiracy theories. There are whole documentaries trying to blame Courtney for what happened.” I didn”t mention that Sloan and I had been embroiled in a decade long argument about that very subject, and that we were now sworn to never talk about it again, lest I revoke her feminist card and bestie card. I fucking loved Courtney Love. Anyone who didn”t could eat a dick.

“I”m sure people tried to blame Barb, too. For my downfall,” he said thoughtfully. “Did they?”

They had. There were whole groups of fans who hated Phillip”s ex-wife, even though she”d never gone public with any stories or tried to profit off his death. She was another one who kept a low-profile. I knew she was remarried and had children, but she rarely gave interviews and it was an unspoken agreement between the fans – the true ones, anyway - that she was to be left alone. I gave him a curt nod but didn”t elaborate. I loathed the jealousy that brewed in my gut at the mention of her name. “I hate that you all struggled so much,” I said finally, not sure what else to say, not wanting to bombard him with upsetting stories of his peers or his fans. Or his ex. “I know it must be hard.”

He gave a non-committal shrug, but I wasn”t going to let him off so easy.

“You said Kurt was sincere,” I said, looking at him. “Now that I”ve met you, I could say the same for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“The real you,” I said. “Beneath the hair and the clothes and the persona – oh, I have no doubt you really are that guy – the tall vampire type with the sardonic wit and the animal charm, that”s really who you are, but there”s another you, behind the...the smoke and mirrors, as you say. It”s ironic to me that you”d use the word ”sincere.” Because that”s what I see in you. Sincerity.” I looked at his sharp profile, his pursed mouth, the way the hair fell over his ear. “So much of it that you had to hide.”

He didn”t answer, but he glanced at me, and his face was sad. “That”s very astute of you, Stormy.”

“Not really. It”s just what I see.” Without thinking, I reached over and tucked his hair behind his ear. He looked surprised. “Is it hard? Being two people?”

“Yes,” he answered. “It was. Not at first, maybe. It”s fun, acting, playing a part. Seeing what you can get away with. And it’s easier to be a larger than life version of yourself, to put a dramatic face out there, when you’re newly famous. But after a while...” He swallowed. “It hurt. I wanted to go back to the life I had before, but I couldn’t. It was impossible.” He sighed. “I belonged to them now.”

“It”s bullshit,” I said, angry. “It”s like our society has made sincerity unpalatable. Any kind of vulnerability, it”s repugnant to us, especially in men. So you guys force yourselves to wear masks, to cloak yourself in sarcasm, in bravado, and it works at first, because that”s what we want, you know, a tough guy. But then you go to take off the mask, and it”s stuck to your face. It”s there forever, and you can”t get it off.”

“Not without pain,” he said.

“It”s bullshit,” I repeated. “Is that what happened, Phillip? To you?”

“Sure,” he said, his face stony. “We”re all just out there trying to be that guy. Scratch the surface of any strung-out rock star and you”ll find a little boy who just wants to please his mama who abandoned him. Win her love. The public becomes a version of that same feeling – we just want to please you, win you over. That”s all any of us are doing out there – drugs, groupies, stardom – it”s all just us trying to climb back in the womb, trying to win our mother”s approval, and everyone else’s.”

“So that”s your story, then? It’s that simple?”

He nodded. “Yep. Jason”s, too. My mom was around though – you read the biography?” I had. “She was there, but she was a drunk, blah blah. Different stepdad every year, but at least she was around. And she was proud of me when I made it. In her own way, you know. Jason”s mom, though....” He made a noise in his throat. “She was something else. She neglected him, left him alone for months at a time. Would come back strung out and beat the shit out of him. The whole reason he got into music was because she had this stupid idea that he”d be a child prodigy, like the next Mozart. Like every other boy on the block isn”t picking up a fucking guitar. All he ever did was disappoint her. Once we started making money she tried to come back around, and it got real ugly.”

I had read about some of this. A fight that had come to blows, Jason serving time for battery after punching his new stepfather in the face. The band had fired him over it, but hired him back a year later, after yet another stint in rehab. I didn”t bring this up. “Do you think he”s okay? You know, these days?”

“No idea,” he said. “No idea at all. I hope so. I guess we”ll find out.”

“What about your mom?” I asked. “And your...Barb?” I almost didn”t want to bring her up again. “Have you thought about where they all might be? How they”re doing? Do you plan to...”

“No,” he said succinctly, not letting me finish my question. “I won”t be visiting anyone from my – my other life. My life before.” He cleared his throat. “For one, it”s too risky. For me and for them. But also, I don”t want to disrupt anything. It would be an ordeal. How would I explain? How could we go back? I”ve been dead for over twenty years. I can”t expect any of them to -” He seemed to be having a hard time. “And I don”t know that I even want to go back, to see them all. Before I died, it was so bad, so much shit. What if some of them have died? And Barb...” He trailed off, looking uncomfortable. “Well, you don”t want to hear about all that. About her.”

“I don”t mind,” I lied. “I”ve read a lot of it anyway. If the magazines can be believed.”

He laughed. “They can”t, but it”s probably all true in my case.”

“I always thought it was funny that you were married so long,” I admitted. “You don”t seem like the marrying kind. Especially not back then.”

“I wasn”t,” he admitted. “Barb would be the first person to tell you that.” He shrugged. “But we were just kids when we got married, and it was right before Bloomer Demons hit it really big, so I had no idea what was in store, and neither did she. We thought we were in love. Whatever...it is what it is, I guess.”

“So what happened?”

“Same old story. Drugs. Cheating. I did all kinds of dumb shit and she put up with it because the checks were rolling in. We weren”t right for each other and everybody told us that, but we wouldn”t listen. She was so hot then, you have no idea. And she had an attitude on her that I just loved. Most girls, the groupies, were all docile and sweet, sucked up to the band. Even before we made it. And I liked that, too, but what I liked about Barb was that she just didn”t give a fuck. She wasn”t impressed by me. She let me know fast she could do better elsewhere if she chose to. And that”s what kept me around. I knew she meant it.

“But even after we got married, her attitude was the same. I never felt like she really loved me. It always seemed like she was just waiting for the next, better opportunity.” He looked at me. “Don”t get me wrong – I”m not making excuses or blaming her. I was cheating on her every stop of the tour, and I was on drugs and not very good company when I was around. I was a terrible husband. I treated her like shit. She had every right to think I was a piece of crap, because I was.”

“Sounds like she and I have some things in common,” I said. “I also stuck by a man I knew was no good for me. He didn”t have any money, though.”

“I”m sorry,” he said. “That he treated you badly.”

“It”s okay.”

“You didn”t deserve that.”

“I know.”

He went on, “After our divorce she got a pretty big settlement, I didn”t dispute it, and we went our separate ways. She was heavy into drugs too, and I hope to god she got off them. It”s a blessing that we never had any kids. I wouldn”t be able to bear the thought of leaving somebody alone in that world.” He looked sad, distraught even, and I wondered if I should tell him that Barb had indeed cleaned herself up, remarried and had children of her own now. Would he be happy for her, to know that her life had gone on, or would he grieve over all he had missed? I wasn”t sure it was my place to delve into such heaviness - something so personal – but I knew what it felt like, to watch the life you thought you”d have go up in smoke, with nothing to show for it after. His pain was my pain. I stared at him for a beat, watching him bite the inside of his cheek, his face set in a painful grimace, and decided he”d rather know.

“If it makes you feel any better…” I said, “From what I’ve read, she’s okay. Remarried, kids, the whole bit.”

“Well, that’s great,” he said, his face breaking into a genuine smile, but there was a darkness behind his eyes. “I’m glad. Glad she”s doing okay, has a family. But…I still don”t want to see her.” He sighed heavily. “Is that awful?”

“I don”t know,” I said honestly. “My ex is kind of a weak point with me. He hasn”t been gone very long and he...well, he still has power over me. I”m a fucking idiot around him.”

“No, you aren”t,” he said. “Love is complicated. Sometimes we give people more chances than they deserve.” He paused, then asked, “Do you still love him?”

“No,” I said quickly. “At least not the way I used to. But I hate being alone, and when I get really lonely, it feels like I love him. I just want him near me. He’s one of very few people who really knows me. I get confused, you know. Lose sight of what it is I really need.”

“Stormy,” he said quietly, his eyes back on the road. “That”s no good, girl.”

I suddenly wanted to tell him everything. So I did. About Tess” infidelity, the drug use, how I had given him a second chance, only for him to be arrested without even giving me the dignity of coming home from jail with me. How he”d left me nothing but our pitiful trailer and a truck on its last leg. How I still waited by the phone for him to call, which he hadn”t, not until he”d come breezing back into town with Roberta, asking for favors from my best friend.

Phillip listened in silence, but his hand was still on my arm. It felt good, telling him. Just getting it off my chest, I felt lighter. “I guess for a long time I thought he was all I could get. Guys don”t hit on me much; they never did. I know I”m not a knockout. Tess was the first guy to show a real interest, and he seemed so hot for me-” I blushed a little. “-and I responded to that, because it didn”t happen much. When he started to drift from me, I kept clinging to him even though I knew it was over, because I was scared. Scared of not being wanted, of going back to that invisible place again. Scared I might not ever get anybody else.”

He looked at me again, frowning. “You”re insane. You”re beautiful, Stormy.”

I shrugged.

“No, it”s true. You have something about you,” he said. “A vibe that I”ve never gotten off anybody else. It”s, like, pure, but also sly. You have hidden depths...and beautiful eyes. I could get lost in them.” I looked down at my lap, embarrassed, but he went on. “This Tess guy sounds like a massive dick, but he obviously saw the same things that I see.”

“He just used me,” I said bitterly.

“People are shit,” he replied. I nodded in agreement. “But you know...I loved Barb. I really loved her. I knew deep down she wasn”t right for me, though. And even if she had been ”the one,” I don”t think we would have lasted because of all the shit she and I were doing, you know? I treated her bad, and she treated me bad, but I did love her, and I believe she loved me as much as she could.”

I stared out the window.

“Maybe it”s the same for you and this Tess guy. You could look at it like that. You loved each other, but it just wasn’t a good fit in the end. Life got in the way, mistakes were made, and it isn”t meant to be but...you both loved.” He gave my arm a gentle, warm squeeze. “Maybe a nicer way to look at it?”

“But it doesn”t change what he put me through.”

“No,” he agreed. “It couldn”t.”

I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze back, feeling better than I had in a long time. I let my fingers linger on his skin, enjoying the warmth and closeness.

His face went tense and he pulled it away. Crestfallen, I said, “Sorry. I didn”t mean-”

“No, it”s not you,” he said, his expression grim. “I didn”t want to say anything until I was sure, but there”s somebody on our tail.”

“Fucking seriously? Not again!” I looked in my side mirror but didn”t notice anything out of the ordinary. We were on a major highway, so there were cars everywhere. “Where?”

“The car behind us, two cars back,” he said. “The maroon one. He”s been keeping his distance, but I”ve been noticing it for an hour now. He always stays two cars back. No matter where we turn, he turns. He”s going our speed.”

“But most of the cars are. It”s a highway,” I pointed out.

“I have a feeling about that one,” he said. “Watch.”

He waited a few moments, then drifted into the left lane without signaling. In the rearview, I could see the maroon car take notice; the driver”s head turned sharply. He didn”t change lanes – that would have been too obvious – but the driver was definitely watching us. He had also picked up a cell phone and was talking into it.

“Should we try to get off the highway?”

“Yeah,” he said. “But not to lose them. I want them to follow me. See what I can figure out. We”ll stop for a drink, yeah?”

He waited two more exits, then drifted back into the right lane and exited quickly without signaling. He crested over the hill toward the red light, going fast, to see if the maroon car would try to catch up with us, thinking they”d lost us. It worked. The maroon car careened over the hill at breakneck speed, coming up behind us much too fast; he had to slam on his brakes. The driver looked angry now that we”d noticed him. He had miscalculated, a rookie move.

“He obviously doesn”t do this often,” Phillip said with a short laugh.

“I think that”s Lee Courtenay,” I said, sneaking another covert glance. “He”s got a different hat on, but from what I can see, it looks like him. Unless he”s got a twin brother.”

“Why is this fucker following me?” Phillip demanded, quickly looking at me. “What does he want?”

“Well, you keep saying he”s looking for you,” I replied with a hollow laugh. “Looks like he”s found you.” I bit at a fingernail. “But, Phillip? What if it’s me he”s following? I met him before I ever even saw you, at the farmers market. I can”t help but wonder if his interest has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe he”s one of Tess” buddies or something. Maybe he”s investigating the drug ring-”

“It isn”t that,” Phillip said as the light turned green. He hung left and took off fast. “And anyway, that day at the farmers market – I was there, too.”

I remembered seeing the man with the dusty black jacket that day, darting behind booths, staring a hole through me, the way his black ponytail had rippled in the late-morning sun. I had thought I was going mad, leftover jitters from the stupid spell I”d done, and the hangover I”d brought on myself. “You asshole. I thought I was going crazy.”

He laughed despite how tense we both were. “I had to see you for myself. I couldn’t wait till you were back home. I had to check you out.”

“How on earth…how did you know…” I flailed. “How did you find me there, of all places?”

“When you summoned me, I just knew where you”d be,” he said. “It’s like…I could feel you. I followed you there, but I didn”t know how to approach you in public, with all those people there. So I just watched. I knew you saw me, too, but it was kind of a thrill, honestly.” He grinned, catlike, and my heart started to race. But then his face turned dark. “And then I saw him.” He glowered. “That phony act, spilling flowers all over you. He was there for a reason. He was there because I was there.”

“But how could he have known you”d be there? That either of us would be there?” A half-formed thought began to form in my consciousness and then faded away before I could pinpoint it.

“I don”t know,” he answered honestly. “The next time he dares to show his face, we”ll ask him. You’re right, though; it’s definitely Lee in that car. So let”s give him the opportunity to ”catch” us; just see what the coward does.” He pulled into a Chevron station and parked by the door. “Want a Coke or something?”

I wasn”t sure I liked this idea. “I”ll go in and get the drinks and you stay in the car,” I suggested. “We can’t risk you being recognized. Especially not if we’re already being followed.” I grabbed my purse and went inside before Phillip could argue, picking out two seltzer waters and a Coke, paying the cashier with shaking fingers. As I waited for my change, I saw the maroon car from the window, coasting slowly through the parking lot. It looked like he was thinking about stopping. But as he passed the storefront, I saw him turn his head, glance into the store, and then he stepped on the gas and sped away from the store, turning onto the street and away from us.

I came back out to the truck, holding the drinks, and got in wordlessly. Phillip was looking in the rear-view mirror, his face a black cloud. “Fucking coward,” he seethed, taking his Coke and unscrewing the lid. “He knew I was sitting right here, waiting for him, and the motherfucker just drove on.” He grunted. “Sure did get an eyeful of you before he did, though. Did you see the way he was staring at you?”

“I can”t imagine what he wants with us,” I said. “Phillip, what if...I was joking before, but what if he”s some kind of cop for real, but like a…don’t laugh, but…like a paranormal cop? What if we broke a rule? What I did...it wasn”t white magic. That”s why you did the salt ritual, right? What if he”s coming after us because I wasn”t supposed to summon you? Like I’ve upset the balance or something, broken a rule, and now I have to pay the price. Maybe this Lee guy is just trying to bring me to justice.”

Phillip didn”t reply, but the look on his face revealed that he”d already considered this. He reached a hand out and touched me on the shoulder. “I don”t think that”s likely – he”s had plenty of opportunities to dole out justice if he was gonna - but...well, whatever it is, I”m not going to let anything happen to you, Stormy. I owe you my life – literally,” he said with tenderness. “I’ll be damned if you meet some punishment for giving me that gift. I won’t have it.”

I took a long drink of my seltzer, trying to give him a bright smile, but I felt queasy. I”d gone and gotten myself – and Phillip – into a world of trouble. It was obvious that Lee, whoever he was, was not going to stop following us. He wouldn”t leave us alone until he got what he wanted, and I would find out what that was soon enough.