Demons in your heart (Demons #2)

By your side

June 2 nd , 2022

Lynn Summers, former lead doctor at the CIA headquarters, was sitting on the large queen-sized bed in her bedroom, her brown hair hanging damp around her face. The drenched knee-length black dress that she was wearing had soaked the sheets underneath her.

She didn't care.

Her gaze was fixed on the shining silver bracelet in her hands. It was a simple one with only a little heart pendant on it that contained two letters as an inscription:

A CIA Agent and former Navy SEAL. He and Az-Zawahiri had a complicated past, as the Iraqi had kidnapped and tortured Nate in 2011 – leaving him with PTSD and severe nightmares that held him hostage to his own past ever since.

Lynn's mind wandered to the handsome man with the ocean blue eyes. She remembered the hurt and anger behind them the moment he realized her betrayal, turning them into a stormy ocean.

But when Lynn hit rock bottom, this man came and gave her a chance. A chance she didn't deserve and never expected to get. She’d repeated his words in her mind over and over during the past few days:

"You didn't lose me, Lynn. I’m hurt. I really am. Your betrayal feels like a million needles inside my heart and you know how much I hate needles. But whatever this is between us is something special. It took me a while to figure it out but my heart skips a beat every time I hear you laugh, and my skin feels like it's burning every time you touch me. You and I. This is special. And I don't want to give that up yet."

And he really tried, more than Lynn expected him to. More than she deserved.

Today, at Ann's funeral, Nate had been by her side the entire time, even when Lynn was about to collapse at her sister's grave.

Her parents didn’t take the message of Ann’s death and the funeral very well. Her mother Thea cried the entire time, refusing to talk to Lynn and give her the comfort and embrace that the doctor needed. It was a difficult situation, even more difficult than the time her father, Jensen, had been in the ICU after catching Covid. He suffered from COPD, so his case was a severe one.

Although Ann lived further away from home than Lynn, she had been the one who kept everyone together, organizing frequent gatherings with the whole family like Easter brunch or Christmas dinners. She had also helped her parents with all the practicalities like insurance and taxes. She was a workaholic as well but had a more flexible working schedule so she could help more spontaneously. It was mostly via FaceTime though, as New York City was still a 90-minute flight from Washington.

Ann was the starlight of the family.

Thea and Jensen were proud of Lynn as well. Very proud. But they weren’t as close as they used to be. Lynn had to cancel a lot of meet-ups with her parents due to her job. She was dedicated and her job was her priority, leaving her parents angry and alone way too often. Thea always told her to maintain friendships and not to live for her job.

“You only have one life, Lynn,” was the mantra she repeated over and over again.

But her job made Lynn happy. It was what she wanted, what she dreamed of, and starting at the CIA was the height of that dream. Normally she didn’t care if her parents disagreed with her life choices, but today things had gotten out of hand.

The starlight of the family was dead.

Lynn was now the only daughter remaining.

Nate thought about how lost Lynn had looked standing in front of Ann’s grave, far away from her parents. Too far. He felt his heart ache for her and he tried to comfort her as much as he could.

Hold her. Support her. Be there for her.

His mind had never been so chaotic and confused. He’d heard a lot of songs about “Head versus Heart”, but he’d never truly understood this line until now.

Now, when his mind was scolding him to not trust Lynn, to not let her be in his life, his heart was defending her. Because he loved her. Because he’d never felt so good around someone. Being with her felt easy, felt right, felt like it was the only thing he needed to survive. Her presence, her holding his hand, her kissing him. When he was with her, he felt like he was on an all-time high and that all his demons were silenced.

Gone .

The feeling overpowered the voice of doubt the moment he stood next to the doctor with his hand on the small of her back, in front of Ann’s grave.

Nate remembered Lynn crying, loud sobs coming out of her mouth, and he remembered how her parents suddenly came close, standing next to Lynn in front of Ann’s still open grave. How they carefully let the white roses in their hands fall down into the grave and onto Ann’s coffin.

Thea was standing right next to Lynn, carefully taking her hand for the first time in hours, giving her some kind of comfort while sharing the same grief. Nate remembered how Lynn’s eyes eventually teared up and how she reached for his hand to steady herself. He was happy for her. Happy that her parents finally gave her the contact she’d been so desperately craving the entire day.

He had been by her side but it was pretty obvious that she needed her parents. He hadn’t known Ann at all and so he wasn’t able to share the same kind of grief with Lynn.

“I’m so sorry,” Lynn had mumbled over and over again to her parents. Louder, quieter, sometimes even swallowed by her sobs.

“I am too, sweetie,” Thea had replied, her head hanging low and her eyes fixed on the coffin but she squeezed her daughter’s hand slightly.

“This is all your fault,” Nate heard Jensen mumble under his breath. He didn’t know if Lynn had heard it too as she was still apologizing constantly.

“This is all your fault,” the older man repeated .

Lynn’s body stiffened and she stopped repeating the words. Painfully slowly her head turned towards her father, her lips parted, and her brows knit together.

“Jensen,” Thea said in a straight voice. She was the only physical shield between Lynn and her husband while she tried to prevent the situation from escalating.

“No, sweetheart. It’s her fault that Ann is dead. Our perfect little Ann and you know it too,” Jensen hissed between his teeth.

His angry glare locked with Lynn and he shook his head and turned around to go back to the car. As if the world was grieving for the torn apart family, the heavens opened up and raindrops began to soak their clothes.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. He doesn’t mean it. You know he’s not good with emotions. He loves you,” Thea mumbled before pulling Lynn into a tight hug.

Lynn didn’t return it, her arms hung next to her body, shoulders tensed and stiff. She didn’t cry, she didn’t yell, she didn’t argue. The moment Thea let go of the embrace, Lynn looked at her mother with certainty in her eyes before announcing,

“He’s right. This is all my fault.”

“Lynn!” Nate and Thea exclaimed in unison, neither willing to let Lynn blame herself for this.

There was only one person to blame and he’d already paid for it with his life.

“We love you, don’t forget that,” her mother said while grabbing Lynn’s face with both of her hands and forcing her to look at her .

The doctor heard it but didn’t respond, not even with a nod. Thea let go of Lynn’s face and stepped away from her before she raised her gaze and looked at Nate.

“It was nice to meet you. Even in these very sad circumstances. Make sure that she’s alright. You can call us… call me every time. I would love to meet you two again.”

“I will. Thank you, Ma’am,” Nate responded with a respectful nod.

Thea looked at her daughter once more before turning towards Ann’s grave.

“I love you, Ann. I’ll be back tomorrow,” the older lady mumbled before finally leaving the graveyard towards the car where Jensen was already waiting.

“Lynn,” Nate said carefully, but Lynn was completely lost in her own mind, her gaze fixed on the coffin below her so Nate was forced to simply stand by her side, holding her hand silently while the rain worked its way through their clothes until even their skin was soaked.

When the female doctor began to shake, Nate pulled her into his embrace and started to rub his hands up and down her back. He needed to get her home as soon as possible so that she didn't get an infection.

"Lynn..." he started again but was interrupted by her immediately. Her teeth were chattering, and she was hard to understand.

"I.. kn..ow... We.. We.. need t..to go h..ho..home."

"Yeah. Let's get you out of those clothes," Nate said and gently led her to the car that was waiting for them.

Oliver had organized a driver for Lynn so that she didn't have to drive back to the compound in her current mental state. The entire way back to the headquarters she was clutching the bracelet, her thumb carefully caressing over the small A that was engraved in it.

Now, an hour later, Lynn was still in the same wet clothes, still clutching the bracelet in her hand, but back at the CIA headquarters. Her phone buzzed constantly and she knew that it was her mom trying to call her, trying to speak about what had happened at Ann’s grave. But she couldn't answer the phone because deep in her heart she knew that her dad was right.

Ann had died because of her.

Because she started this new job at the CIA.

Because she didn’t tell the others about Az-Zawahiri’s blackmail.

She was sure that if she had included Marta, Oliver and the others, they would have found Ann earlier and then her sister would still be alive.

A loud sob escaped her throat when Nate entered her room with a tray of food and a steaming hot chocolate. He now wore tight black sweatpants and a way-too-small black t-shirt that couldn't hide his muscular upper body. Even his nipples pierced through the thin fabric. But for once Lynn did not pay attention to the attractive physique of the man that had her heart.

Nate was still wearing his knee brace but he’d been able to walk without crutches for a few days now. His body was adjusting to the torn ACL pretty well. Only a small limp remained when he walked.

"You're still in that wet dress?" he asked, confused, while placing the tray on the bedside table and observing the doctor and the soaked bed beneath her.

Lynn didn't answer him but he could see her eyes fixed on the silver object in her hands while her thumb carefully caressed over the inscribed letters.

"Darling, you could get a cold, maybe even a lung infection. Come on. Let's get you out of that dress," Nate sighed, before stepping towards Lynn and reaching one hand towards her.

The doctor raised her head a little to look at him with puffy red eyes. He was giving her an assuring smile. This wasn’t right. She’d hurt him. She’d betrayed him and he wasn't sure if he could ever trust her again. He’d said it to her a week ago, but still, there he was, standing right in front of her and smiling at her. Willing to help, willing to hold her until she felt better. She didn't deserve him.

Hell, she didn't even deserve to be alive.

It should have been her that was dead now, not her innocent sister Ann. It wasn’t fair.

Nate looked at her with love in his eyes. He knew that he needed to follow his heart now, ignoring the voices of doubt. They’d have plenty of time to figure out their relationship, maybe even visit a therapist together. He wanted this to work. His heart wanted this to work. Lynn was the first person he’d really opened up to. The first person he’d ever felt was seeing the real Nate Sheppard .

The vulnerable one, the one who started to learn to accept himself and the world around him. She’d taught him how to smile, what it meant to care for somebody. She’d started to fill the emptiness in his heart with warmth, safety and love and, when her lips touched his own, it felt like this was exactly how it was meant to be: Nate & Lynn.

That was all he could think about at that moment, ignoring the rumbles in his mind warning him to never speak with the doctor again because she wasn’t trustworthy.

Lynn grabbed his hand and he pulled her onto her feet. Her skin was way too cold under his touch, although she’d finally stopped shaking uncontrollably.

"Let's get you under the warm shower and then you can have some dinner, okay?" he suggested and Lynn nodded. A little sparkle appeared in her eyes when she realized that Nate really cared for her. That he was there, and that he would stay. Her lips curved just a little into a tiny smile.

They went into the attached bathroom and Nate carefully opened the zipper on the back of Lynn's dress before taking a few steps towards the shower to turn on the warm water. It was early June and the weather in Washington was still unusually cold. No early signs of summer, yet.

Then Nate turned around to Lynn again and saw that she hadn’t even tried to get out of the dress. He sighed loudly.

"Darling, you have to help a little, okay? I can't do all the work for you," he said before stepping towards the door to leave the bathroom and give Lynn some privacy.

He was about to close the door behind him when he heard a barely audible "Nate" from the room. Nate stuck his head through the door to see how he could help her .

"Can you.. can you join me?" she asked with a pleading look.

Nate was surprised by her request as their relationship hadn't reached that point yet. They’d never seen each other naked before. Well, maybe Lynn had seen him naked during his surgery, but that didn't really count. Lynn noticed his hesitation, so she dropped her gaze to the floor and mumbled:

"Sorry, I know that would be weird."

Nate entered the room again and placed his hands on the outside of her upper arms.

"If you want me to join you, I'll join you. I just wasn't sure if it would make you feel uncomfortable seeing me naked. That's a huge step, Lynn." Nate chuckled a little, trying to cover his own insecurity and hesitation.

Lynn's chestnut eyes met his ocean blue ones again and she smiled.

"How could I be uncomfortable while seeing THIS." she said and pointed up and down his body.

The moment Lynn started to take off her dress, a knot appeared in Nate's chest and suddenly he wasn’t comfortable. It was like they were crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed yet. Their situation was still way to fucked up to see each other naked.

"Sorry, Lynn. I can't," he stuttered and stormed out of the room, leaving a confused and sad Lynn behind.

She knew he was right. It was too early and it was a ridiculous idea. She despised herself for the stupid request, while she stripped out of the dress and stepped under the warm shower .

After fifteen minutes her skin was burning and she turned off the water, grabbed one of the big towels and wrapped her small frame in the fluffy material. At least she was so ashamed about the situation that she forgot about her grief for a few minutes.

With the towel still wrapped around her body she left the bathroom and jumped in surprise when she saw Nate sitting on the bed. He had changed the wet sheets while she was in the bathroom and she watched as he rolled a green grape between his thumb and index finger before throwing it in the air and catching it in his mouth.

"Nate!" she exclaimed and wrapped the towel even tighter around her body.

"Sorry. I... I don't know. I didn't want to just run away. You taught me to talk about my feelings, so I stayed," he answered and Lynn could literally see the mental battle in his brain through his eyes.

"No. I should be sorry. It was a stupid request. Way too early and definitely the wrong situation. I am sorry." Lynn said while she walked to her closet to grab some fresh clothes.

She headed back to the bathroom to change but left the door ajar to keep the conversation alive.

"Yeah. Way too early," he confirmed, but Lynn couldn't help hearing a little bit of sadness in his voice.

She closed the zipper on her jeans before leaving the bathroom again. Nate was still sitting on the bed next to the tray with food and the now probably-not-so-hot chocolate. The doctor placed her body next to his but made sure to leave a comfortable distance between them .

"Nate..." she started and Nate turned his head around to look at her with heavy eyes.

He was still confused. He wanted to join her in the shower, see her naked, hug her, kiss her and hell yes, maybe even have sex with her, but how could he do that? With the woman who’d betrayed him and his friends, working together with the man that destroyed his life.

"Mhm?" he answered simply, his internal battle still very present in the blue of his eyes.

They looked like a stormy ocean again and, as much as Lynn hated that she was the reason for this tempest, she had to admit that they’d never looked more beautiful. The blue of his eyes drew her into him and she never wanted to break their gaze again.

"Thanks for being by my side today. I’m not sure if I would’ve survived this without you. I know I don't deserve your kindness and your care. I know I hurt you and there’s nothing I can do to undo that. I know. That's why it means the world to me that you've been there today. Thank you," she said and Nate could hear the adoration in her voice.

The doctor had raised her hand and wanted to place it on Nate's thigh but stopped in the middle of the movement. She’d already crossed boundaries today and didn't want to do it again. Nate saw her falter and quickly reached out his own hand, grabbed hers, and placed both of them on his thigh.

"Just because I’m still angry about what you did doesn't mean that I don't care about you, Lynn. This was a very hard day for you and of course I wanted to help and support you," Nate replied while he tenderly brushed his thumb over the warm skin on the back of Lynn's hand.

"Thank you. I don't deserve you, Nate," she whispered. They both stared down at their connected hands now, too shy, confused, and scared to look at each other. Nate didn't answer her as he wasn't sure if he would find the right words. All he did was continue to caress his thumb over Lynn's hand.

There was so much unresolved emotion between them. So much confusion, love, and hurt at the same time. Both of them wished things could be different or that they could travel back in time and prevent the betrayal from ever happening. But they had to face the truth and the one question that was heavily hanging between them:

Would they ever be able to love and trust each other again without doubts or fears?