39. Ignacio
I ’m sitting in my chair, trying hopelessly to read, when there’s a knock on the door. I carefully set the book aside, wondering who it could be this late.
Fuck . I hope it’s not Lio again. I don’t want any more bad news. All I’ve done is think about my Little Mouse since I saw that video. I can’t wait to have him back in my arms. I don’t even give a fuck about Tennant. Whether it’s a one-time fuck, or if he wants something more, as long as he still loves me, that’s what matters.
I open the door and blink in shock. “You’ve never knocked before.”
I stumble back, my heart pounding as my mind races. Benjamin cautiously enters the room, eyeing me as if I’m dangerous. That alone kills me. Fuck. No. With a weak smile, he says, “I… We need to talk.”
Swallowing roughly, I take a seat on the bed. I gesture for him to sit next to me, but he shakes his head, taking the chair I was sitting in before. My skin feels too tight, and I wish I could pause this or fucking skip over it, anything to not hear the words that I think are coming.
I slow my breathing. Maybe I’m wrong. After all, this is my Little Mouse. We’ve been through so much together, and his smile when I asked him to be mine forever… That can’t be faked. It can’t have fallen through my fingers.
“Whatever it is, Little Mouse, I’m here. Always. You know I’d never leave you,” I croak out, because he closes his eyes. He fucking closes his eyes. As if he can’t bear to look at me.
When he opens them, they glisten with tears that haven’t fallen. I wait patiently, needing to hear the words out loud, but still hoping I’m wrong. “I loved you for a long time. Fuck. Ever since you kidnapped me and brought me into this twisted world. We went through hell together, and I thought it meant we’d come out stronger. I was so proud to wear your ring on my finger, but…”
He tugs off the ring I bought him, the one Lio helped me pick out because I needed it to be perfect. Something fitting for the love of my life. He holds it out, but I shake my head, refusing to take it. My hands are trembling so hard that I curl them into fists. He places it on the book I’d been trying to read instead.
“ Why? If it’s Tennant… I can share. I don’t want to hold you too close. If I’m stifling you…you just have to talk to me, Little Mouse.” Desperation tinges every word, and I want to reach for him. Despite being only a few feet away, it feels like a million. It’s like he’s slipping away, second by second.
“I did talk to you, but you didn’t listen.” Benjamin tugs at his hair, his shoulders slumping. His clothes move just enough for me to see where Tennant claimed him. His makeup has not blended over it, and I know it's there. I fucking know. Pulling myself back, I try to listen. “I needed you to believe in me. Especially after we survived Jax. I needed you to help teach me to be strong. But all you wanted was to wrap me in bubble wrap! Lio fit in training lessons whenever he could, and I know you were the one who trained him. Yet, you wouldn’t work with me. No matter how many times I asked, you made an excuse. You knew there was a chance I’d need to be a Second, but I was left unprepared. Worse, you didn’t back me when I did become a Second.
“Every moment, Ignacio. Every fucking moment you tried to put me in a box that I don’t fit in. When you first kidnapped me, I probably would have appreciated that. Not anymore. You should have listened. Because now it’s too late.”
“No! It can’t be too late! I love you. I’d do anything for you. Please, give me a chance. Let me make this up to you. I’m sure I can. Don’t throw our dreams away because I was an idiot.” I stand up, unable to stay sitting when he’s tearing my soul into pieces.
“I’m sorry, Ignacio. There isn’t a chance anymore. I tried, but I couldn’t keep us together on my own. I hope?—”
The door bangs open and I jump, whirling around. Lio is standing there, breathing heavily as he takes us both in. Wincing under our stares, he shakes his head in apology before announcing, “Some Amatos have been arrested, including Tennant.”
Benjamin doesn’t say a word to me as he sprints out of the room. Lio gives me a sad look before he heads out as well, and I slump back onto the bed. I press my hand to my chest, where my heart is supposed to be. The way it’s crumbling, I’m not sure it even exists anymore. He didn’t even look back.
I let out a deep roar of pain, wanting to smash everything in this fucking room, because everywhere I look, I see him. I see him playing his video games. I see him lying in bed after we’ve made love. And I see him smiling as he dances with me in the middle of the room, pretending we’re on a deserted island.
Now it seems true, but I’m the one on that island, all by myself, because the other half of me walked away. No, he fucking ran. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
The world around me is falling apart, and I can’t do shit about it. For a moment, I consider ending it all. I don’t want to watch my love skip into a happy future with another man. Another man who fucking claimed him, as if he had that right. Then again, I guess he did.
While I was busy trying to save my love, I lost him because I didn’t embrace him. I listened, but didn’t hear—didn’t see what was right in front of me. Not until he was telling me it’s too late.
The tears escape as I can’t hold them in anymore. They choke me as my mind tries to make sense of the unimaginable. I have no strength in me. I bend over, catching my head in my hands as I try to piece all of this together. I pushed him away, and I didn’t even know. I thought he’d always be here, that I was doing the right thing by protecting him.
He didn’t even look back…
To be continued…