Chapter 35
Rule thirty-five: Say no to therapy.
B eing almost naked and pinned beneath a very attractive man who just noted that he will not be fucking me unless I want to be fully tied to him is totally okay. In fact, it really fits the train-wreck vibe that my emotional health has taken on lately.
At my hesitation, Sin releases me, his gaze dragging over my body once more, before he locks the desire back down and turns to find my clothes. My cheeks flush and I can’t stop the embarrassment that sets in, knowing he has every ability to make me lose control, but I clearly am lacking in that department.
“Kitten…” he starts.
“It’s okay. Really. I’m fine,” I answer, dressing as quickly as possible.
Logically, I know my frustration is immature. I should be happy that Sin was honest with me about where sex between us would lead. But the multitude of emotions I’m trying to process aren’t leaving me feeling too logical right about now.
This isn’t just sex. I’m not the only one who’s worried about getting attached.
At least now I know what Sin meant when he said he was fighting for whatever is between us.
He wants me, all of me.
What is the opposite of a silver lining? Because now, I’m not only anxious, but I’m also terrified. How quickly will he change his mind when he realizes I’m not worth keeping?
The thought has my chest constricting, and I shove it back down with my other repressed emotions.
“How often do you do that?” Sin asks, and my head snaps up, realizing he’s been watching me like a hawk.
“What?”
“Shut down your emotions. You were clearly very upset about something, and then it disappeared like it never existed at all,” Sin clarifies, his head slightly tilted as he takes me in.
My cheeks burn from embarrassment, and Sin only tilts his head, his expression calculating. I swallow, realizing that this admission may very well be what changes his mind about wanting me. After all, who could ever want a shell?
Because it’s not just the trauma I repress. For as long as I can remember, I’ve pushed down any emotion that could result in conflict. Every time I’ve needed to interact with people, it’s been done with carefully crafted words to ensure we would never fight. After all, it was drilled into me that I couldn’t win. That my feelings were irrational or irrelevant and that if I did enter into conflict, I’d come out hurt. And the worst part is, I recognize that it’s made me a shell of a person. No matter how often I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m just an introvert or shy, I know the truth.
I’m a coward.
I sigh, resigned. It’s better for him to hear it now rather than to let him keep thinking he wants me. “I – I do this thing a lot. When I have strong emotions… sadness, fear, and mostly anger, I tend to shove them into boxes within myself. I compartmentalize them so that I don’t have to feel them. I – I don’t do well with conflict. This is the best way to avoid it.”
Sin doesn’t look horrified or disgusted, only curious. “And that technique works for you?”
“It used to, until the last couple of weeks. It’s gotten more difficult to close the boxes and keep them shut. It’s almost like they’ve cracked, and I can’t hide the emotions away anymore.” I chew on my lip, considering how much more I want to share, until I realize where he’s going with this. “I – I think it happened every time I used my other energy. It’s not just that I was angry. I was feeling everything.”
Sin nods at my admission. “Well, I have some bad news.” He’s smirking like he’s about to annoy the hell out of me.
My heart thumps, and I try to ignore how my body responds to his devilish grin. “What now?” My voice is laced with suspicion .
Sin’s smirk turns into a full smile. “We have a new tactic to try and get your power to come to the surface.”
I frown at him. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“You said your power came out when you finally let yourself feel strong emotions,” Sin starts.
I don’t like where this is going.
“So, it’s time to stop repressing those feelings, kitten. You’re going to let yourself feel everything,” Sin finishes, sounding far too pleased with himself.
I blanch.
“Absolutely not,” I snap.
That is the opposite of a good idea. Repressing my emotions is the only way I function most days. I can’t afford to fall apart now.
“Hey, it’s okay. We don’t need to dive into your past or anything you’re not comfortable with. Let’s start by honestly letting yourself feel your emotions as they arise through the day. Not just the bad, but all of them,” Sin notes, speaking to me like I might bolt at any moment.
I can’t fault him for those solid observation skills.
Dark circles start to line the edges of my vision, and my body starts to stiffen. The thought of feeling everything is enough to bring on the threat of a panic attack.
My realm. My home. My friends.
I repeat the mantra, reminding myself what I have to lose if we aren’t successful.
My power can help win this war.
“Okay,” I answer, swallowing.
I can do this. Feelings aren’t scary .
This is totally okay. (It’s not okay).
“When I ask you what you’re feeling, be honest. It will help you keep track of whether you’re being honest with yourself,” Sin adds, barely containing his smile.
Of course, he’s going to enjoy this.
My cheeks flush further, and I wonder if mortification is a legitimate cause of death. “You’re using this as an excuse to make me talk about my feelings,” I accuse.
Sin arches a brow. “Magic is tied to emotions. If you’re not letting yourself feel your emotions, then how can you use it? This is a solid avenue forward.” He pauses long enough to give me a devastatingly wicked smile. “You discussing your feelings happens to be a very desirable bonus.”
I cross my arms. “Can’t I talk to Arianna or Rosie? Hell, I’ll even talk to Morgana instead of you.”
Sin shakes his head slowly before purring, “It has to be me. I’m the one who can nullify your power if it gets out of control.”
I grit my teeth at his logical answer.
Damn him.
“Fine. How are we doing this? Do we just go about our usual training, and you play therapist, asking about my feelings?” I grit out.
“It’s only usual training if you keep losing,” he teases.
I narrow my eyes at him. “If I win, we stop for the day.”
“Sure, why not? Knock me over, and we can have fun,” he adds, smirking .
My pulse goes erratic at the suggestion in his comment.
Slowly, I pace towards him, circling and looking for an advantage. Sin doesn’t bother to track my movements.
He’s getting cocky.
“Here, kitty, kitty,” Sin calls.
He’s trying to rile me. I circle him again, thinking up a strategy, and don’t acknowledge his teasing.
I’m focused.
Sin keeps saying I’m slow. And after seeing how he moved today, I’m in complete agreement because no human can move as quickly as he does. The only way I’ve ever knocked this man down is by outsmarting him.
Sin hums impatiently. “Sorry, did you prefer psp psp psp?” he asks, making calling sounds for a cat.
I roll my eyes.
What I need is a distraction. Pretending to twist an ankle is too simple. He’d see right through that. I already tried to distract him with a kiss earlier, and that only resulted in him making me lose control, not the other way around. That still stings.
My plotting is interrupted, though, when Sin takes in my expression and cocks his head. “What are you feeling, kitten?”
I flush. “Honestly?”
Sin lets out a small chuckle, “Yes, that’s kind of the point.”
I want to crawl into a hole, but I answer him, “I’m feeling insecure. I forget every logical reason we shouldn’t be intimate when you touch me, and I don’t think I do the same to you.”
There, it’s said. The dark thought that is much better served stewing inside of one of my emotional boxes is now out in the open. This is mortifying.
Sin looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. That can’t be a good sign. “Do you think I’ve been in control every time I haven’t been able to keep my hands off you? When I marked you? You are the one thing that fucking shatters my control.”
He strides over to me, taking my head in his hands, and his eyes search mine for a moment before he continues, “The only reason I’m hanging on to the last vestiges of sanity is you. For. You . You’ve had your consent ripped away before, and I refuse to do that to you. Regardless of what I want, your comfort comes first, always. I want to do depraved things to you, kitten. To own you and claim you while giving you so much pleasure you can’t remember how to function. But only ever if that’s what you want.”
My heart teeters over the edge into free fall.
The prophecy said I would love a Destroyer, and I believe it. I’m going to love this man. Regardless of whether he can love me back or whether I’m even deserving of it, I’m a goner for him.
“Never think I don’t want you,” he whispers.
“Thank you,” I whisper back and lean into one of his hands. Simultaneously, I don’t hesitate to sweep my leg around his and trip him.
Sin lands with a thud, looking shocked. I grin down at him. “Looks like I win. No more training today. ”
I may not have planned the distraction, but I saw my opening and took it. I offer my hand to Sin, helping him up.
“You’re a wicked thing, kitten,” he murmurs. But the words are said reverently, and I’m the opposite of insulted.
We spend the remainder of our afternoon reading in the sitting room. I don’t bother trying to sit on one of the single chairs again, knowing Sin will just pick me up and drag me on top of him again. Instead, I settle beside him on the couch, and Sin pulls my legs over him, tucking a fluffy blanket around me.
My immediate thought is that he’s going to initiate something, but to my surprise, he just sits with me, cuddling. It feels so foreign and yet so natural, all at once. I feel my heart fall just a little further before losing myself in my book.
He reads the book he borrowed from me while I read a fantasy romance with a ton of adventure. I’m calling it research. The heroine escapes from prison by befriending a dragon and convincing it to burn the place to the ground.
I should probably take up book annotating. These pages could translate to more survival skills on my end.
Every so often, Sin asks me what I’m feeling, and luckily for me, getting lost in a book means I get to escape from my own mind, so I don’t feel much of anything other than inner peace.
Truly, guided mediations have nothing on smut.
When the sun finally sets, Sin stretches up, using his fist to crack his neck. The sound makes me cringe .
“Alright, let’s go,” he says, offering me his hand.
I cock my head at him, not moving from my cozy blanket.
“I want to show you something,” he says before scooping me up off the couch, blanket and all.
A startled yelp leaves my mouth just as he apparates us out of the room. We land a moment later, near the cliffs I climbed on one of my first nights here. Only now, we’re a bit further out from the forest.
“To clarify, I don’t think free climbing is a fun activity,” I note, and Sin’s mouth twitches in one corner like he wants to laugh again.
“We aren’t climbing. We’re going to one of my favorite places,” he clarifies, setting me down.
The air outside is warm, and I fold the blanket over my arm as Sin guides me forward, his hand resting on the small of my back. We don’t walk for long before we stop at a small outcrop of rock. I’m about to tease him about his choice of destination when I realize there’s a large crack in the cliff. The opening is large enough to walk through, but the moonlight isn’t strong enough to see where it leads.
A slight pang of claustrophobia hits me, and I stop dead in my tracks.
“It’s okay. We just walked to the tunnel for added effect. I won’t make you walk through it,” Sin reassures me, and I melt a little more.
Such a goner.
My feet leave the ground again, and we apparate over to the other side. The ground feels less steady now, and I look down to find we’re standing on sand .
Tentatively, I turn to see where he’s brought us. My breath catches in my throat, and I freeze to take it in. There’s just enough moonlight to reflect off the soft waves of a cove. The area is entirely sheltered by the cliffs surrounding it, making it feel like a secret oasis.
Sin’s warmth is at my back as he leans close to whisper in my ear, “Do you like it?”
I look up at him as I answer, his face only inches from mine, “I love it. Thank you for bringing me here.”
He smiles and gives me a gentle push, urging me forward. I take off running in the sand, trying to kick off my boots as I head for the water.
Once my feet are free, I skip to the water, doing a small happy dance in the shallow area.
Quietly, Sin follows me before crouching down to place a hand in the water. I pause my splashing to watch as his power flares to life. With it, millions of tiny red lights appear in the water.
My eyes widen in wonder, and he moves back from the water, smiling softly. “They’re bioluminescent plankton. I used my power to make them happy, and it causes them to glow.”
The red glow spreads under the waters, swirling along the waves. Looking down, I notice they’re also around my feet, and I hesitate to move. “Is it safe?”
He nods before backing up another step to sit in the sand. “They won’t hurt you. And the glow will wear off when we leave.”
I walk a few more steps along the shore, transfixed by the ethereal beauty of the lights, before turning to look back at Sin .
He’s smiling as he watches me, evidently pleased that I like his happy place.
I’m struck by how handsome he looks when he isn’t scowling at me. Warmth floods me as I take him in, remembering how he touched me this morning.
“What are you feeling, kitten?” he asks, his voice low, as he unlaces his boots.
My entire body is probably blushing, but I push past the embarrassment. “I’m feeling… hot. I’m thinking about you touching me.”
At my confession, Sin’s hands freeze, his eyes locked on mine. His gaze is heated, and it causes goosebumps to erupt over my skin.
“Are you asking me to touch you again, kitten?” he growls.
I bite my bottom lip and back up a step. The action sends a dangerous gleam through Sin’s eyes, reminding me of the first time we spoke.
Sin is a predator, and predators can’t resist the chase.
I purse my lips before smirking. “Come find out,” I challenge before turning on my heel and sprinting as fast as I can along the water’s edge.
I make the mistake of looking back and finding Sin is already only a few feet behind me. I know he’s toying with me, but I make a hard turn anyway, trying to evade him. I hear Sin’s dark laughter a moment before he apparates directly before me. But instead of letting me crash into him, Sin steps aside, hooking an arm around my waist and swinging me around to slow my momentum before settling me in front of him .
He doesn’t release me and instead grips my waist. His eyes search mine, and my toes curl at the heat in his gaze.
Still, he doesn’t move further, and I realize he’s waiting for me to decide.
My move.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, Sin helps lift me so that my legs wrap around his waist. Our bodies press together, and heat pulses through my core.
“What are you feeling, kitten?” he whispers against my ear.
I look up at him. We’re so close; I’d only have to lean in, and we’d be kissing. He’s looking at me reverently like I’m something to be cherished. And instead of pushing down the fear that comes with that thought, I embrace it. There’s no running from this.
“I feel like I’m starting to believe you,” I whisper.
His eyes search mine, and I continue, “I think I am going to be yours.”
Sin’s breath catches in his throat before his hand tangles into my hair. His gaze is starved as he holds me captive against him. “I want you more than I’ve ever desired anything in this universe. Anything that stands in our way, the prophecy, the Fates, even destiny, I will burn them to the ground. I’ll do anything if it means you’ll let me call you mine,” he promises before pulling my mouth to his for a long-anticipated kiss.
Finally .
I reach up to meet him halfway when a bright golden light explodes from my chest.
I shriek. And I would have jumped out of Sin’s arms if he wasn’t holding me. He stares down at the golden light in awe for a moment, and once I realize nothing hurts and no one has been blasted, I do the same.
The light is focused over my chest, but upon quick inspection, I realize it’s emanating from all of me like I have a bright, golden aura. It’s nothing like the energy I’ve exuded, but it feels familiar. I try to touch it, and it dances across my skin, sparkling in the moonlight.
I marvel at the sight.
Sin’s gaze meets mine, his expression mirroring my own.
“I know what you are,” Sin whispers, his tone awed.
I don’t breathe as I wait for an answer. Something I’ve wanted for so long.
Sin’s hands tighten around me almost imperceptibly as he continues, “You’re a Creator.”